WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING (A BREAKDOWN)

As someone who has experienced a range of breakdowns....

(         including, but not limited to:

1) I lost my wallet and someone charged $23 dollars at mcdonalds

2) drunk friend threw up on my suede shoes

3) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aren't real 

4) boyfriend emailed his sister about how much he doesn't love me and left his email open on my computer so I read it on my birthday. 

5) dealing 2 years of grief primarily with cheap booze and easy men

6) losing my blackberry. This is remarkably high on the seriousness level. 

                                   )

...I feel that I have a pretty good handle on them and thus am a perfect person to be the new officially unofficial leading expert on the pros and cons of having a minor to severe nervous breakdown. 

PRO: This is the perfect time to break out all of the overly dramatic phrases you never get to use. 

"I'll never be happy again!" 

"That skirt was the key to my happiness!" 

"You will rue the day that you crossed [insert your full, potentially dramatically enhanced, name] 

CON: People might start hiding the knives 

PRO: You won't ever be expected to slice your own tomatoes again! 

CON: The endless, simultaneous hysterical laughing and crying can get really tiring. 

PRO: No-one will be able to judge you if you run around naked and sobbing 

CON: This may lead to you thinking it is always acceptable to run around naked and sobbing.

"Officer, it's fine. My roommate told me it's totally acceptable to run around naked... I'm having a breakdown!" -ARRESTED- 

PRO: You can lay in bed for hours upon hours and instead of calling you lazy people will probably tell you everything is alright and even bring you snacks and entertainment. 

CON: You might have to sleep without sheets when people remove them for fear of you hanging yourself. 

PRO: Definite potential legal drug use. 

CON: No one will find your witty jokes about how much homework makes you want to kill yourself funny anymore. 

"Someone get the bathtub ready... when I'm done reading this chapter I'll be paper cutting myself to death." 

If you don't get the bathtub joke then... maybe you shouldn't be reading this blog. Clearly you're too normal and adjusted. 

PRO: Sometimes breakdowns lead to important revelations about yourself 

I don't really need a man to be happy.

CON: Which sometimes lead to another breakdown..

which is good because no one will ever love me again... 

If you are in the midst of experiencing a nervous breakdown there are a few tips I have found helpful:

DO -

- wear pants. despite your strongest urges. no one respects an argument made by a pantsless person.

- avoid ice cream. Ben & Jerrys now makes frozen greek yogurt so, while they probably are both just as bad for you, you won't feel like a total fat ass slob after devouring a whole pint. 

- have a stuffed animal. 1) they never talk back or tell you it's all in your head 2) they're huggable and 3) it's hard to stay that upset when you have a soft fluffy thing to soak up your tears.  It's like a pet. Except it always loves you and won't ever pee on your rug. 

- listen to Josh Groban. First you'll be all I CRY ALL OF THE TEARS! And then you'll realize how douchey and ridiculous the music is and you'll be like ROFL, douchebaggery. 

- Eat. You're probably hungry. 

- Bathe. You're probably dirty.

- Call someone you rarely talk to. They'll already be so freaked out that you even called them that they won't think it's that weird that you're having a breakdown. I usually pick my Dad. 

Later when they ask you can say you were drunk and playing blackout truth or dare. 

DONT - 

- listen to the OneRepublic station on pandora. If you didn't want leap off your balcony in a white flowing dress before, you will after. Stick to pop of the 90s, Josh Groban and TLC. And remember than the majority of jumpers end up paralyzed, not dead. 

- listen to, hum or sing any of Matchbox Twenty's "Unwell." 

- say/scream/write "I'M NOT INSANE!!!!" 

Most importantly.. don't do anything stupid. Much like the world mourns dinosaurs and the lost city of Atlantis, your friends, family and people you don't even realize love you would be devastated if you were gone. Family has a genetic inability to stop loving you (lucky!) - Friends have chosen you (wow you must be pretty special) - somebody out there is definitely fantasizing about you (think about how hot you must be and disregard the awkwardness of someone masturbating to you) and, despite how horrible the world can be and how mean people can be, there is definitely at least one person who can't get you off their mind. 

And remember, people don't remember the ordinary. No one says Wow.. I just love how that painting is exactly like every other painting. Weird is Wonderful. Unique is the only way to be. Crazy is the new Cool. 

So go forth. Prosper. Make smiles and laughter and witty jokes about death that people won't take the wrong way. 

Be happy. Stay crazy. 

And get some sleep because 99% of my breakdowns occur after a night of unrest.

I find a nightcap of Everclear and an orgasm to be quite helpful in putting me to sleep. 

xxKK 

p.s. a special thanks goes out to Lizz and NP who have both seen first hand how manic I can be yet still love me. If I can get away with singing a never ending song narrating everything I do and everything I think (from I need to peeeeeee to I want to hang myself up with a rope made of hair)  I'm pretty sure you're in the clear.