MEN ARE FROM TOONTOWN, WOMEN ARE FROM SPARTA

Do you know that feeling when you get into bed and lie down and all your joints fall into place and your muscles stretch out gloriously and its like your entire body is saying ooooh yah thats good. A giant sigh of relief and happiness goes through your bones and pure joy radiates from your muscles as you stretch and release all the tension from your body.

I keep my room at a general temperature of freezing so when I get into bed its not just the cushiness that makes me happy its the jumping under the covers and being cold and cuddly and perfectly cocooned that makes Kitty want to purrrrrr.

purrpurrpurrpurrpurr

So despite my weekend including a drunken breakdown over being replaced by my former Main Squeeze, some killer pre-LadyTime cramps and spending my saturday night watching Save the Last Dance instead of seeing friends or having fun, all my worries melt away when I hop into the wonderful cold cushiony heaven of a bed.

Delicious.

This wonderland of comfort is only increased by the hot water bottle, some Earl Grey tea and my LadyTime happy pills. The reason I bring this up is because, as I eased out of feeling as though a small army of men with bayonets were ripping apart my uterus and into a partially medicated, pillow and comforter induced bliss, I reflected on a conversation I had a few days ago.

This conversation was with a pair of boys and, as all my conversations with boys do, it eventually turned to the topic of boners. And how horrible the "inconvenient boner" is.. especially while in high school. And they went on about the problem and turned fairly small appendage into a monumental issue. Now I am sure that your boners are very embarassing and uncomfortable when in school but lets be honest... you suffer for what, a year, maybe two(?) before you learn how to tuck it up against your belt or to wank before you have french class with that hot teacher?

So if you were to suffer for a year and a half (averaging) from an inconvenient boner at school every 2 days then, since there are only 180 school days in a year, that would be 90 days in which you suffered. And lets say that this problem, or the subsequent embarassment, lasts up to 1.5 hours... thats 135 hours of discomfort.

Now lets look at my cramps. I started when I was 13 and lets just assume I'll hit menopause at 53. From experience my horrible cramps, without the aid of painkillers, can last from 8 hours to 48. So lets round to 20 hours per period, 40 years, 12 a year... 9600 hours in my life of pain.

135... 9600.

One Hundred and Thirty Five vs Nine Thousand and Six Hundred...

My pain is 71.111% higher for me being a girl than you for being a boy so I really don't want to hear your bitching anymore.

and I didn't even take into account childbirth.

just saying

xx KK

SOMETIMES I UNDERSTAND WHY...

Girls don't wear bras....

sometimes I don't...

For example, if you have no boobs and want to achieve that "I'm such a badass that can wear a baggy track pants wear a tank top to a club and still look hot" look, you can totally go braless.

If you are a fashion model and your satanic designer actually wants the world to see your tits, you can go braless..

If you are getting banged, bralessness is a must.

However... if you are not alone, flat chested or one of the above... buy a freaking bra and wear it!

They come in all sorts of colors and sizes and patterns and shapes and if you are flat you can get them padded, if your busty you can get them with some serious lift power and if you feel like getting that slutty I'm not wearing a bra look but don't want to give up the wonderful benefits of our lift and seperate friends then they even come in lace, mesh and PLASTIC.

SO there is NO EXCUSE for not wearing a bra if you are not flat, a model or getting banged.

So to the lady in the draped cotton frock last night... to the lady with a pretty decent C cup... to the lady who seemed to think that her C cups did not warrant bra while wearing a thin draping cotton frock...

YOU WERE MISTAKEN

it is not cute to have you boobs flopping around all night... the A cups and even some B cups can get away with that but... lady.. please... no... please...

Buy something slutty that has some SUPPORT. I could give you a few recommendations if you want....

just saying.

xx KK

P.P.S

AND NOW I REALIZED I SHAVED ONE LEG TWICE

my life is shambles...

P.S.

So... I just managed to do something incredibly stupid... you know how theres things that you imagine and then giggle about because its so silly and unlikely....

I just managed to slip in the bathtub and land on a razor... with my ass.

Yes, my ass. I now know what it feels like to cut yourself shaving on your ass.

It hurts and it stings and its bleeding and these are not words I like having associated with my ASS.

This reminds me of that time freshman year when I tried to give myself a brazillian in prep for my boyfriend coming to visit... at least this time its just my butt... back then it was R.I.P vagina for a month.

AS PROMISED...

A second post!!

So I think its about time that someone clarified a few things for the men creatures of this world..

Dear menfolk,

We, women, are not always turned on by the same things as you. I'm sorry that makes it more complicated to figure out what we want but like... how about you try talking to us insted of assuming... To make things a litttttle easier I figured I'd give you a list of just a few things that I think you should know... in my humble opinion...

1) You may like to stare at hoohahs all day but I really don't want to look at your dick. Don't offer to show it to me on cam, don't "sextext" me photos of it, and don't just take it out and expect me to revel in its glory like... no offense but it's not that pretty... And don't email it to me at work, how is that sexy? how? "Oh I'll get that invoice for you straight away sir, let met just check my em- OH GOD A WANG!".

2) My body parts do not have names... your little man might be called Little Adam or Thor or Conquerer of Doom but my vagina is not Princess Leona, Virgina or "my pretty pink place of pleasure" Oh and upstairs they are called breasts, boobs or tits. No funbags, no "the twins" no nothing.

3)I don't find it sexy to know how much you can please a woman... I mean its sexy to know you can please ME but don't tell me about other ladies because that is just.. ew..

4) We want a bad boy, yes... but also no... Like.. we want a sexy mysterious man with a dark side but who won't actually hurt me or break my heart and it would be nice if he was in touch with his sensitive side lol.... Lets be honest... we don't even know what we want so good luck figuring it out for yourselves.

5) Not all vaginas are the same. How about you spend five minutes figuring out what I like instead of assuming that I' exactly the same as your last chick... funny story.... she liked being jumped while she was still asleep and pounded by you like a clam by an otter? I DONT. Gimme a little romance you dickwad.

6) Kissing is not a waste of time. I shouldn't have to explain why... just do it okay?

Okay I'm tired right now so I'm done for now but trust me there is plenty more for you creatures to learn lol.

Ladies... email me anything else you think of for the next post @ KittyKatConundrums@gmail.com

SHEER PAISLEY MAKES ME WANT TO JUMP OUT A WINDOW

So I've been privy to several complaints that I'm not writing often enough... which is both flattering and annoying. I keep trying to sneak on at work to post but I get distracted by various things... my stapler being out of staples, refilling my coffee mug, devising new covert routes to the vending machine, googling at the jailbait interns, dressing up the office chia pet with outfits made from my supplies & unscrewing the wheels from my co-workers chairs... oh.. and doing my job sometimes... so clearly the blog gets shafted.

I know its not fair... I'm thinking that maybe this weekend I'll write up a bunch of my ideas (I promise I have them!) and save them so when I'm in a bind I can just pop one up... it feels like cheating but it's not.

Anyways.

So today I came to work in my usual garb of "whatever was clean and within grabbing distance of my bed this morning" which, since I am from NY and 97.4% of my wardrobe is black, was an almost all black ensemble.

Well some little snarky snot nosed brit gets into the elevator this morning and asked me if I was in mourning before bursting into laughter...

firstly... its not that funny, stop cackling you fugly mismatched bitch
secondly...how horrible would you feel if I said yes? Like that would have been really good payback. "are you in mourning hahahahha" "yes... my twin sister was brutally murdered last night. I'm paying my respects." "oops."

oops is right you dumb bitch.

and lastly like.. what a moronic comment. clearly I'm not in mourning... I'm rockin some sexy Jessica Simpson hooker heels and super hot coral nail polish... what person in mourning has the energy to spend on perfectly balancing all day long or on finding the perfect nail color for their skin tone? huh?

So try to stop laughing at your own jokes and go crawl back up Kmarts butt since thats obviously where you bought your paisley sheer blouse and blue striped ankle length skirt...

yes... blue striped skirt that went to her ankles and a paisley sheer blouse... I shudder at the memory.

My skinny black pant and off the shoulder black AA top will be in fashion forever... your look will never.



Okay now that that rant is out of the way... because I didnt post yesterday I will be posting again this afternoon/tonight so keep an eyeball out for it.

lotsa love,
Mama Kat

CONTACTING KITTY

Hey people of the world... I recently was going through my six bajillion unread emails on my personal email account and realized that if I wanted to not blow my brains out I should probably create a business account or at least learn how to sort my emails into category/order of importance.

you know:

1) friends/drama/gossip

2)emails that contain cute animal photos

3)emails from Marie

4)emails that contain poetry/song/love letters devoted to me (you would be surprised...)

5)emails concerning money (fajah)

6) school

7) funny forwards

8) annoying forwards

9)anything else from fajah

10) spam.

But there didn't seem to be a place to send KKC concerns soooooo

Lo and behold: KittyKatConundrums@gmail.com.

if you have an idea, a story, some fan art, want to digitally accost me in written form or send me paypal donations thats the email you should use.

Please don't send me porn.

I promise I will check it often (for all the emails that all four of you will be sending me lol) and I will get back into the flow of posting once a day.

Once again... do not send me porn... I'm talking to you Siobhan!

XX - KK

KITTY ON TWILIGHTING

Okay, I am a massive nerd.. like pretty colossal. I go through books like candy and rough them up like my men. I have had to buy several copies of my favorite books because my constant reading leads to the covers falling off and pages being ripped out.

I read everything, fiction, non-fiction, romance, sci-fi, murder mysteries (probably my favorite genre) biographies and... I am not ashamed to admit... Twilight.

I'm not talking bad acting/big budget Twilight, I'm talking the books. As in the thing with pages and words written across it...

I actually think the books are well written and entertaining. And I really don't care if its supposed to be a feminist text or Mormon propaganda... its a book about freaking vampires and werewolves... that shit is cool.

Despite being a total Twilight book fan I would not label myself a "twilighter" because I think that as well written as the books are, the movies are equally horribly written. It's like Meyer took her beautiful language and dumbed it down for 13 year old middle America idiots who wouldn't know a book if it smacked them in their over sexualized, under educated faces.

Example:

In the book Jacob, Bella and Mike Newton go on an awkward threeway date to an adrenaline packed action movie called Cross Hairs.
In the movie the title of the movie was changed to "Face Punch"
Would you like to know why?
Because it was decided that the idiots that the twilight movies are designed for wouldn't understand that cross hairs are a targeting feature on a gun and not something to do with split ends... Face punch was a good simpleton way of saying 'a movie where people get punched in the face'.

Ridiculous

Example 2:

When shmexy book Edward tells Bella he's leaving her it's an emotional moment wrought with despair and confusion... in the movie the dialogue goes:
E: I'm going
B: I want to cum
E: I don't want you to cum.

oops.. did I say cum instead of come? Oh no... that is totally how they wanted you to hear it... don't believe me? Go watch the movie... even when they're supposed to be going through something tragic the whole setting is over sexualized so that the 11-14 year old girls will swoon and buy posters and little T Shirts saying "Team Edward" and generally continue to live without ever exercising that tiny little thing they call a brain.

Why am I talking about this? Well... you see.. today at work one of my older co-workers came up to me and offered me a ticket to the premier of Eclipse tonight... well... I said no... I generally only submit to Twilight movies when there are copious amounts of alcohol involved... and then she said that it wasn't just the new one... it was ALL THREE IN A ROW... plus special features and cast interviews... starts at 9pm... finished after 1am.

Hell
Fucking
No.

I didn't say that of course I merely declined but then she ran off yelling that she'd check if Marjorie from accounting wanted to go but if not then the tickets were all mine.

Dude.. I don't want them!

So turns out Marjorie has plans so this lady shows back up in my office with the tickets and says I can have them for 9 dollars....

Dude... DUDE... DO NOT WANT!

Def not going to PAY for it.

So since she didn't take the hints that I didn't want to go (what can I say...she's a self titled Twilighter, what did I expect?) I told her I had made other plans... which I did... I have plans with all my favorite men..

Jim
Jack
Johnny Red
Johnny Black
and Jose


no... i didnt come up with that joke myself...



Au Revior.

LATELY, I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT...

...Relationships.

Not just love relationships or physical relationships but all relationships.

I've always been taught that you have to put effort in to make relationship work. And that is so so true. But sometimes its time to abandon efforts and let a relationship crash and burn. For example... when people you've known for 16 years purposefully exclude you from activities then its time to stop bothering to call them when you're having a party because, seriously, you don't need bitches like that bringing you down.

or... when you realize that your bit on the side expects you to drive across town in pouring rain on a motorbike at 4 in the morning and doesnt offer to put your clothes in the dryer or let you crash there for the night.. bye bye.

or when a really good friend gets mad at you because his girlfriend won't let him talk to you... if you don't have the balls to stand up for our relationship after 6 years of friendship then I don't have the time to waste waiting for your phone call or going to your football games.

You have to put effort in but so do they. What happens when you try to drive two cars down a one way street? One gets left behind... or there is a major crash and everyone ends up in pieces..

no good.

So if there is someone that you have been desperately trying to connect with... calling.. emailing.. facebooking... texting... IMing... skyping.. showing up at their house... etc etc etc.. then its time to stop. Either they'll wake up and realize that the most caring person in their lives just checked out because of their own shittiness or you might never hear from them again. If its the latter.. you don't deserve shitty people who don't care about you bringing down your life. You deserve people who will see you for all the glory and greatness that you possess.

And if you happen to be one of those people who never answers their phone or returns a message or invites the people who care about you to your parties or any of those other shitty things then... go look in the mirror.. smack yourself in the face a few times.. and go pick up your fucking phone and call people. You aren't that great. You aren't the center of everybodys world and if you continue to treat people like they are expendable then one day you will wake and realize that you no longer have anybody to call or text or email because they will have all left you behind.

Relationships are two way streets... sometimes there are bugs on your windshield and you get a flat tire and your car over heats... but street is still there and other cars are still there to support you through your motor vehicle misery...

Maybe that was ridiculously corny or a horrible metaphor but what I'm saying is that relationships need to be a multiperson thing... if you try to spend your life making other people happy and making everything right then you'll end up with a prozac habit and some serious self worth issues. Relationships should make you feel better about your life...not worse.

So the next time that bitch ditches you at a party or that bastard makes a fool out of you... cut them off. Chances are they'll respect you more for actually having a backbone and you'll end up happy.

Happy... imagine that.

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHARLIE

So the lovely Karen wrote and asked about my relationship with Charlie.... well... its complicated.

First of all, Karen, omg I can't believe someone other than my two friends read this blog *squeal* and I have a friend who lives in Ohio too! She lives in Toledo.

Secondly... well. The story with Charlie goes way back to when I was a baby Kat. Back when I thought Simple Plan was the most badass band ever and my idea of a steamy night was when the air-conditioner broke down. Back when I was a kitten Charlie and I were set up on a blind date, mostly because we were the dark and twisty out casts of our friend groups, and somehow we made that one blind date turn into a year long relationship.

Somewhere along the way our sweet loving relationship got tainted by hormones and bad advice from our equally inexperienced friends and we went from cuddling on the couch to getting wasted and trying to.. well... you know. Anyways. A week after we celebrated our one year anniversary we decided to go on a break. Two weeks of "break" (i.e. him hanging out with his friends and me crying on the shoulders of mine) and it was officially over.

I was a baby and it broke my heart. So I tried to mend it with many men. No dice. So when he came back from college 18 months later and wanted to take me to dinner it was a second chance at happiness.

Here's a clue to everyone in the world... boys, girls, young or old... when getting together with someone don't talk about your past relationships. They really don't want to hear about the time you got drunk and let some guy touch your special place or about that married guy you slept with for 6 weeks while his wife and him went through a divorce. Yeah... they don't want to hear that.

Anyways... past relationships and many months of growing apart made for a rough re-start to our relationship. I moved to the city so we were long distance for a while and then he followed me and made very close friends with a woman I was not.. fond.. of. *cough* evil satan whore bag who threw herself at my boyfriend the first day they met despite knowing he was dating me *cough* And he told me there was nothing between them... and like an idiot I believed him despite my gut tellin me it was wrong. On my birthday I woke up to check my facebook and I had a new message from his sister.. weird but okay. As I'm reading it I realize that she's saying some pretty serious things about the state of my relationship with her brother... and then I realize that she's talking about me in third person. So I'm like.. what? Turns out he had left his facebook open on my computer and what I had stumbled on to was a thread of messages that went back six months talking about how he didnt love me and didn't care about me and how he couldn't wait to jump in bed with this other girl.

Heartbreaking.

I skipped school... went to my sisters and cried for 3 hours straight. That night he and I got together to celebrate my birthday which is when I told him what I had read and somehow he made it so that I was the horrible evil girlfriend who broke into his account and I was so stupid that I had misunderstood and that he really wasnt interested in her.

I fell for it and I am an idiot... I know. Two months later, on our 2 year anniversary we split up. Two weeks after that he was dating her.

It was betrayal and damage and made me think that I had wasted 4 years of my life loving him.

It took a really really long time to trust people again. Any people... especially men. It's been two years and I have yet to be in another relationship despite having many men in my life in an attempt to mend my heart.

Karen, I know what you're thinking... after all that how could I ever be friends with him? Well... when she then turned around and hurt him he sort of had a wake up call to life and realized that I wasn't always going to be around. He had lost his number one fan and... I don't know... somewhere in there he grew up. He found religion which has seemed to center him and, although its not my cup of tea, he has changed for the better. He's definitely not the boy I fell in love with anymore... he's a whole new person and while I don't ever want to be romantically involved with him again he's fun to hang out with now.

I've had two years to be bitter and now I just sort of want to enjoy my life. In a town as small as ours we're bound to run in the same circles so why not circumvent the awkwardness and just be friends. It's easier and more fun that way.

Anyway that was a long, not so funny post but it had a good ending.

Hope you keep reading!

THE ISSUE WITH FAHJAH

So... I've been working out lately (insert applause and wolf whistles here) and last night, like every night this week, I decided to go for a nice 5 mile run. Cool. No problem. Got my huff and puff and sweat on and then when I was throughly tired I went upstairs for a shower.

Heres a bit of back story for you... every day for the last few weeks my fahjah has been complaining about how little water we have in the tank. (I dunno how it works in other places but here we have a water catchment that feeds into a tank under the house) Anywho... so we have low water. He's the one thats paranoid about it and he's the one who complains all day long but then he fills the pool for an hour every day so that it is always lying juuuust at the top. Like really? We don't even use the freaking pool right now..

So back to me being sweaty... I go upstairs for a shower and shocker... you guessed it. No water for shower. No water at all..

My father then stomped around for an hour yelling about how he couldn't believe this could have happened and how it was impossible and obviously my fault... god I can't wait to get back to my own apartment.. and then tried to fix it himself... i.e. fucked it up further.

I then called all my closest friends and family (closest as in distance) and nobody was home or willing to let me use their shower so I had to call my ex boyfriend...

you might remembering me mentioning how a certain boy broke my heart twice... pretty epic breakage too... well.. he lives over the hill from me. and we've sort of become friends again. (Let's call him Charlie, shall we?) Well Charlie and I just recently became friendly again so it was a little weird to call and ask to use his shower.. like its not like I've never used it before but I uhh usually had company.... *murgle* Anyways... I'm pretty sure his family thinks we're back together now, which is awkward, since they invited me to the family barbaque this sunday.

Our mutual friends might also be getting the wrong idea.

Anyways I'm off to slack off for another hour and a half before ditching work to start the long weekend with a boom...

HAPPY QUEENS BIRTHDAY!

au revior kittens.

THE END OF GO FUCK YOURSELF

So I was considering doing a whole weeks worth of posts that followed the "dear ___. go fuck yourself" model but I decided that was juvinile...

..actually I just couldn't think of anyone else who deserved it...

except the lady the cut me off in traffic today
...the guy who blew a freaking vuvuzeula in my ear last night
...the idiot who told me Portugal sucks
...the people who demand me at work even though I'm not doing anything and I'm sick
...my dearest darling father who caused me such strife last night**
...and the guy that blew me off last night
and the night before
and probably tonight

But hey... they're idiots. they don't deserve a post anyways.

** - more on this topic later today

Anyways my boss just got to work... yes.. half an hour late... just like every morning.. so I should go look productive for a little while.

loves.

DEAR IMMUNE SYSTEM

.


go fuck yourself.



.

DEAR ANONYMOUS

To the lovely writer who tried to write, "this trash is why girls shouldn't watch sports - Go Ivory Coast", on my World Cup post but didn't have the balls to sign his name...

go fuck yourself

.

MY TAKE ON THREESOMES

The following is just one Kitty Kats opinion so don't get your panties in a twist if they don't match what you think... it's called free speech... go with it.

So recently I was *ahem* cordially invited to have some dirty debaucherous playtime - which I am pretty much always down for - but then I found out another somebody was invited too...

excuse me, what?

Now don't get me wrong... everyone has thought about it before... everyone has at one point believed that a threesome would be like God's gift to mankind but after talking to people who have experienced and from some, less dirty and more technical, ponderings I've realized I just don't think it would be fun.

And, I'm not a lesbian in any way but when I think of a threesome I think two chicks and one way happy guy... and I'm sure they would start out having fun but then he'd be doing one and the other one is awkwardly watching... and then the two girls start making out and dude is like heyheyhey! what about me?... and then somebody doesn't get enough loving and it gets weird... and then every time they see each other they just remember the awkward groping/watching and the embarassment of it all.

once again... not from experience just from other peoples stories... and the awkard two wenches and a pirate scene in Pirates.

Now this weird-fest gets even weirder, in my opinion, when you subtract a chica and add another dude. like...
1) why does your guy want to see another guys wang?
2) why does your guy want another guys wang touching you?
3) who the hell thinks "oh I'm getting it on with my chick... I wish one of my buddies was here"

Like hello! I'm already rocking your world we don't need to add anymore elements to this situation.

Let's not get complicated...

And like... the technical aspects of this boggle my mind even more. If I'm going at it with my Main Squeeze and Mr Joe Blow wants some fun loving too how am I supposed to help? I'm pretty much enjoying myself due to southern action so I'm not too interested in concentrating up north to make you happy... Like this is fun and that sounds like work... multitasking is not a skill that should be put to test in the bedroom. And it's just weird for JB to watch and give himself some loving because 1) dude... ur jerkin it to one of your guy friends and 2) go home and watch some porn you lonely lonely man.

And if you think you're getting any DP action... think the fuck again.

Sorry boys but, contrary to what you may believe,... I like your Man Parts best when they're down playing with my Lady Parts. I don't want to hold it, I don't really want it anywhere near my face, although I'm willing to do it as a means to an end... (its called ForePlay for a reason... it comes BEFORE my play time..) and I definately do not want it anywhere else!

DO NOT WANT

So the next time you wanna propose sexy time with you and your best friend how about you go stick his dick up your ass and see how much you like it. And if it's a lot then... well I guess I'll be finding a new playmate.


So.. just to clarify... I love me a good romp in the hay but I am not down to be the bicycle that all your friends get a ride on.


If sharing is caring then I am content to be one selfish happy bitch.



...this is why there's a content warning on this blog...

ITS A SPORTY DAY

So I, like most people, am obsessed with the World Cup.

Football is one of the only team sports that I can really sink my teeth into. It's exciting and fun and at times ridiculous and it brings nations together. I'll admit I don't really follow during the year, I try to catch a match every now and then but ESPN often conflicts with my SpikeTV shows so... sad panda.

Once every two years I get to get in touch with my roots and yell like a crazy person in sports bars. My inner "Portagee" (Portuguese) comes out and I hang a flag from my house and I take offense to anyone who says anything bad about Tiago or Ronaldo.

Yes, Ronaldo is a whiney little man but he is good at what he does and fucking fantastic to look at.

And Tiago has always been pretty solid to the team. A team is only as good as its weakest link and these two raise that standard.

That being said...

WHAT THE FUCK PORTUGAL? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING TODAY???

I get it, Ivory Coast is a pretty equally matched team to yours and maybe that scared you a bit but what the fuck. Mr. Ronaldo manages to hit the post from 40feet and you can't rally enough to get him that close again? You started so strong and then... blap...

like an over eager high school boy in bed with a porn star you lose all your confidence and ability... the anticipation and nerves are too much and despite your preparations you pussy out.

Yes Portugal, I just compared you to a limp dick.

And who wins when there's a limp dick involved?? Nobody!

So get it together! Man up and rally together and figure out how to play this game with Glory.

You did it in '08... you can do it again.

I have faith in you! Forca Portugal!

also...

if you don't find this man obscenely sexy then there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you... like...

mmmm mmmmm good.

....sweet lord baby jesus...

delicious.

FRANKLIN VS LIDDELL - A LADYS TAKE ON THE BLOOD ON THE CANVAS

So I don't know how many other chicks out there love UFC but I do.

It's an amazing sport I mean come on... half naked sexy (often tattooed [mmmmm]) men rolling round in short shorts and bleeding?! What more could you ask for?

I often find myself sitting in sports bars yelling "stop dancing and hit him!" or "don't be such a pussy! Kick him in the head!"

Ahh delicious.

Well if you don't enjoy watching hot men beat each other into submission this post is not for you.

So Saturday there was a fight between Franklin and Liddell. I'm not going to lie, I used to lovvvve Liddell. He's a staple of the sport, someone who has been around, and been fierce, for as long as I've watched and much longer. But let's face it. Sometimes you need to take that badass fierocity and retire with the dignity of a champion instead of sticking around for another few years to let your fans watch your age get the best of you. Liddell is only 40 but in a sport that breaks bones on a regular and deprives the brain of many minutes of oxygen 40 is OLD. Randy Couture might still be dishing out losses to his opponents at 46 but its not everybodys game.

Liddell put up all this face about being on the straight and giving up drinking and getting back to the former glory of the Iceman.

Sorry Chuck but after 3 knockouts you should have known better.

Franklin is a younger guy with equal height weight and reach. He's faster and, while you may hit harder (Franklins newly broken arm is proof of this) he can actually take your hits. Even with a broken arm he managed to spot an openning and knock you out one time.

You've been awesome to watch for the last ten years but I hope you don't take offense at me winning $20 off your first round knock out. And I have to say, with as much love and admiration as I can, I think you should go back to coaching youths to glory. You're already in the MMA hall of fame. Peole across the world know you. You have a hot ass girlfriend. Your blood and the blood of your foes stain that canvas ring. What else could you want?

Time to retire from the octogon and let the legend live on.

ONCE UPON A TIME...

So a while back I posted about how I wanted to lose some major weight this summer. And that is still so so true. I just want my 16 year old body back. It's only been four years since I was a size 8 (sometimes squeezing my ass into a 6) and despite hating how I looked back then I look at photos now and think daaaamn that girl is saxay!

While I realize some of the damage done by heartache and college (by which I mean by chocolate and mac n cheese) will never be undone I have my goals...

That's me the winter I was 16. Yeah, I have some love handles and I've always had a flat ass but I mean come on... Not to toot my own horn but *toottoot* I still own that bathing suit and if I can get into it by next summer and not look like a washed up balooga caught in some nylon netting then I will be damn proud.

Anyways.

Just thought I'd post some visual motivation for myself.

SERIOUS PROBLEMS

So I clearly don't bitch enough (ha) so I figured I'd dedicate this whole post to ailments in my life right now.

1) split ends
.... no i'm not kidding. these things are serious! they are like mutant split ends and I'll be sitting at work and I see one so I cut it off and then I see another... and another... and another... and before you know it ive spent two hours searching my head for more split ends and I'm in a deep depression over the state of my once beautiful hair

p.s... never bleach your hair. ever. its not worth it.

2) lack of snacks
theres a vending machine right next to my office but to get to it i have to walk past my boss and i feel like she would judge me for wanting to get snacks so often so I refuse to go there. The two exits are located outside my two bosses office so either way they would see me leave and return and know that i succumbed to my need for carbs and sugar....

im so hungry..

3) lack of sex
this doesnt even need much of an explianation... im not having it and i would like to. every man is a potential conquest and that makes it very difficult to concentrate

4) lack of muggywuggy.
i get cranky when he's away and it makes me nervous to not be able to keep an eye on him. plus, dude, sometimes a chick just needs to talk to her muggywuggy.

5) lack of fun
this place sucks the fun out of everything

6) doing work that i dont understand.
I went to school for drama and you want me to do what? seriously? no, seriously?

7) this fucking loud ass keyboard that lets the whole fucking office know when im typing. no typing means im not working (usually means im surfing the interwebb for funny pictures) and too much typing also means im not working (usually means im working on this blog)
so... gah.

8) I STILL NEED SNACKS

I'M AN IDIOT

I just had to delete my last post because I'm such an idiot. I hope you didnt get a chance to read it in the five minutes between me posting and me realizing how much of a fail it was.

murrr