AND AGAIN.

TWO POSTS???
Whaaaaat?
Crazy.
But true.

So I have a lot of time on my hands because I'm home sick and it's a sunday and I'm bored slash too sick slash tired to do all the cleaning that I promised Liz I would do while she was at work.

Time on hands means more blog for you.

Which is good since I realized I left out a pretty big thing in the last post.
And it's a doozy.

So if you remember Ninja you'll remember that the last time I spoke about him I was head over heels in love with him. Like jump in front of a moving bus, sell my soul to the devil, romeo and juliet in love with him.

God I am pathetic.

Anyways. I let it sit for months and months and I preoccupied myself with meaningless one night stands and an obsession with painting and throwing myself into my new job. Then I decided (a few weeks ago) that I was done sitting and that I was done waiting to know if there was anything there or if I'm just a fucking loony bin who's made it up in my head. So I made a plan to tell him. I was going to just tell him that I thought I still loved him and let him know that I wanted him to be happy and if that meant being with Tori then I will be happy for them. But if there was the slightest possibility that he wasn't happy.. or that he wanted another option then I'd be there.

God I am so stupid...

Anyways that plan was shot down last week when I found out that he's getting married to Tori on the 8th of this month. As in this Saturday coming.

I really am happy for him... I know how much marriage and family means to him so I am happy.

Just also confused. It was only a few months ago that he was complaining to me that he wasn't happy and he wasn't sure if this was the right thing for him. Musing over his lost dreams and what he was giving up for her. Reaching out to me... a person who he hadn't spoken to in months upon months.

I guess I just thought he wanted to reconnect or something. I guess I gave myself false hope. I guess that I just wanted to know that someone wanted me. And not just for an 8 hour layover sexcapade. Not just for one night or old times sake. Not a pity date or a drunken mistake.

I just wanted someone who loved me.

I'm not a home wrecker and I'm not a total bitch so I'm not going to do anything about Ninja except to congratulate him and his new wife the next time I see them. And to do him the favor of keeping away from him and his happiness.

On to happier tales.

So I'm sick (shocker) and I'm sitting on my couch looking at the wreck that is my living room wondering how it got this bad and if it would be totally pathetic to pay someone to clean it up for me...
The answer is yes. And I really don't like people touching my things so I guess that wouldn't really work for me.
But it just seems so overwhelming. Like a giant tornado came through but instead of breaking things it just sort of mixed them up into a random bundle of crap and strew it across my floor.

I wont even go into details about how my bedroom looks...

I work so often and the only days I'm off I either waste catching up on sleep or spend so sick that I can barely order my turkey sandwich at the deli.

YES I GOT ANOTHER TURKEY SANDWICH.
I never said I was proud of myself...

So I will yet again vow that tomorrow will be the day I clean up my house/my life/my act and spend the rest of this day buried in turkey and netflix.

Send me your healing well wishes and good morrow to you all.

xxKK