WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...

Chop chop chop em up and use em for a vodka garnish.

So Ninja went and got himself married.
Like... ring on her finger, fly off to a honeymoon, till death do us part: married.

And that was - whew - a rough day for me. Even rougher when I saw the album of photos showing him looking so handsome and happy to be with his bride, who picked a gorgeous dress and is the first bride to ever pick beautiful bridesmaids dresses. Everyone looked so freaking happy and I really really wanted to be happy for him.
And I guess I am in a way. Like I am glad that he is happy but I myself am quite possibly devastated.
He was holding on to this little piece of my heart. A little piece that didnt get smashed when Charlie walked away, didn't shatter when Main Squeeze cheated on me, didn't crack when boys stomped all over me. It was this precious little space that was filled with wild hopes and dreams of an outdoor fall wedding and a future with 3 kids, 4 dogs and nights cuddled by the fireplace.

But that's gone now.

It's not like he broke it or smashed it or blew it into a thousand tiny pieces like any other boy has... but when I saw those photos of their outdoor fall wedding and saw all of their future possibilites and of how happy they were... that piece of heart fell out of existence. It slipped out of my body and into the ether of lost dreams.

And it really hurts. This hollow ache - like phantom pains in a lost limb or the way your tummy feels when you're sick but have nothing left to throw up. Empty pains.

But never fear... I know I'm empty right now but eventually someone will come and curl up inside my heart and perfectly fit that giant gap.

It would be easier to see this optimistic view if I wasn't also getting blown off by other men in my life: my pops, the hot guys at work... Will...

You haven't heard a lot about Will thus far. He's actually one of my very best friends in the whole world. He's known me since I was 14 and has seen me through all sorts of ups and downs. We talk constantly and even when we occasionally lose touch we always find our way back.

Did I mention we dated in high school?

(This was between Charlie round 1 and Charlie round 2.)

Anyways... when we dated I was still all messed up and angsty like all teenage girls in Lust/Love and we ended before anything serious serious happened. Except that we've always had a twinge of flirtation. Even when I was with other people... or obsessed with other people. When I was stupid, drunk, fucked up, fucking around, anything and everything. He's always somehow found a way to see me in a beautiful way.

And that's pretty awesome.

So two years ago I decided to act on it and fly from NYC to see him and have a little sex-cation to tie up all those loose ends and to see if there was anything more past curiosity and flirtation. Lo and behold he has a girlfriend, who is pretty much living with him, when I show up.

Needless to day... no sex.

I return to NYC still sexless and depressed. Life continues. We still flirt and talk about what could of been etc etc.

Cut to two years later/now and he's planning a trip to NYC.
well... more of an 8 hour layover actually.

And he wants to make up for lost time...

And I am over joyed because I really need to feel beautiful again and be with someone who really makes me happy like he does.. even if its just for 8 hours.
Suddenly a week before he's scheduled to arrive he stops talking to me. Like... doesn't respond or only responds with a short answer and goes days without saying anything. He's too busy to text...

This from a man who used to exchange semi dirty texts with me while he was working with a client.

Like what's up with that??

I address the issue and he assures me he's still coming to the city but he can't talk right now. So I guess I still need the day off of work but it just feels so weird. Like something changed and nobody told me.
He has a history of doing this too... getting too deep and then suddenly pulling away with no warning. And I guess that guilt or sense of duty to his girlfriend is what makes him such a good man but on the other hand don't tell me something and then never follow through.

Or else I'll just be here again in a few years... sitting alone in my bedroom crying over a wedding I wasn't invited to with no one to comfort me but my beanie baby and a vibrator.

So I guess I'll find out in a few days whether he's planning on following through this time or not....

Night kitties.
xxKK


p.s.... remind me to tell you of the possible return of Main Squeeze... it's not that I enjoy recycling my old boyfriends but I already know how fun they can be and I don't have to train them... I'm too busy to train a new boy.
Plus I like games. And with MS it's always a game... a game of catching him, keeping him and keeping it good ol' fashioned regretless sexy fun times.