OOOH IT FEELS GOOD TO BE STRUCK BY LIGHTENING..

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THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM?..

I guess if it's Main Squeeze we're talking about it's more like the three millionth time. But anyways.

After my depressing reality check about the men in my life I decided to do a little facebook stalking and in my minifeed Senior Squeeze popped up. Haven't really stalked him in a decent 8 months so I had a gander. Last I checked he was still dating and cheating on the girl he cheated on me with so he was a no go.
But lo and behold top of his wall it says "Main Squeeze is now friends with That Girl."

Eh?

How could he have just added her if they've been in a status worthy relationship for a year now?

So I investigate a little bit...

Okay I scrolled through 2 months of wall posts to find out. Don't judge me!

Anyways turns out the day before my 22nd birthday he broke up with That Girl and they haven't spoken since. But then he added her back as a friend last week. No relationship status but who knows with him... is he reeling her back in for round 2? Is it FWB? Is he just trying to be civil?

None of this really matters since he's back home and I'm in the city.

Except that it's almost halloween.
And last halloween he flew to New York and called me.

And then blew me off...

But thats an old story. Anyways. He might come back... and if he's single... and if Will blows me off on Saturday (which I'm 64% sure he's going to) then by Halloween I am REALLY going to need to have some real good sex.

And MS is good at real good sex.

So.... who knows. I might just drop him a line. Remind him of what's in the big apple.

xxKK

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...

Chop chop chop em up and use em for a vodka garnish.

So Ninja went and got himself married.
Like... ring on her finger, fly off to a honeymoon, till death do us part: married.

And that was - whew - a rough day for me. Even rougher when I saw the album of photos showing him looking so handsome and happy to be with his bride, who picked a gorgeous dress and is the first bride to ever pick beautiful bridesmaids dresses. Everyone looked so freaking happy and I really really wanted to be happy for him.
And I guess I am in a way. Like I am glad that he is happy but I myself am quite possibly devastated.
He was holding on to this little piece of my heart. A little piece that didnt get smashed when Charlie walked away, didn't shatter when Main Squeeze cheated on me, didn't crack when boys stomped all over me. It was this precious little space that was filled with wild hopes and dreams of an outdoor fall wedding and a future with 3 kids, 4 dogs and nights cuddled by the fireplace.

But that's gone now.

It's not like he broke it or smashed it or blew it into a thousand tiny pieces like any other boy has... but when I saw those photos of their outdoor fall wedding and saw all of their future possibilites and of how happy they were... that piece of heart fell out of existence. It slipped out of my body and into the ether of lost dreams.

And it really hurts. This hollow ache - like phantom pains in a lost limb or the way your tummy feels when you're sick but have nothing left to throw up. Empty pains.

But never fear... I know I'm empty right now but eventually someone will come and curl up inside my heart and perfectly fit that giant gap.

It would be easier to see this optimistic view if I wasn't also getting blown off by other men in my life: my pops, the hot guys at work... Will...

You haven't heard a lot about Will thus far. He's actually one of my very best friends in the whole world. He's known me since I was 14 and has seen me through all sorts of ups and downs. We talk constantly and even when we occasionally lose touch we always find our way back.

Did I mention we dated in high school?

(This was between Charlie round 1 and Charlie round 2.)

Anyways... when we dated I was still all messed up and angsty like all teenage girls in Lust/Love and we ended before anything serious serious happened. Except that we've always had a twinge of flirtation. Even when I was with other people... or obsessed with other people. When I was stupid, drunk, fucked up, fucking around, anything and everything. He's always somehow found a way to see me in a beautiful way.

And that's pretty awesome.

So two years ago I decided to act on it and fly from NYC to see him and have a little sex-cation to tie up all those loose ends and to see if there was anything more past curiosity and flirtation. Lo and behold he has a girlfriend, who is pretty much living with him, when I show up.

Needless to day... no sex.

I return to NYC still sexless and depressed. Life continues. We still flirt and talk about what could of been etc etc.

Cut to two years later/now and he's planning a trip to NYC.
well... more of an 8 hour layover actually.

And he wants to make up for lost time...

And I am over joyed because I really need to feel beautiful again and be with someone who really makes me happy like he does.. even if its just for 8 hours.
Suddenly a week before he's scheduled to arrive he stops talking to me. Like... doesn't respond or only responds with a short answer and goes days without saying anything. He's too busy to text...

This from a man who used to exchange semi dirty texts with me while he was working with a client.

Like what's up with that??

I address the issue and he assures me he's still coming to the city but he can't talk right now. So I guess I still need the day off of work but it just feels so weird. Like something changed and nobody told me.
He has a history of doing this too... getting too deep and then suddenly pulling away with no warning. And I guess that guilt or sense of duty to his girlfriend is what makes him such a good man but on the other hand don't tell me something and then never follow through.

Or else I'll just be here again in a few years... sitting alone in my bedroom crying over a wedding I wasn't invited to with no one to comfort me but my beanie baby and a vibrator.

So I guess I'll find out in a few days whether he's planning on following through this time or not....

Night kitties.
xxKK


p.s.... remind me to tell you of the possible return of Main Squeeze... it's not that I enjoy recycling my old boyfriends but I already know how fun they can be and I don't have to train them... I'm too busy to train a new boy.
Plus I like games. And with MS it's always a game... a game of catching him, keeping him and keeping it good ol' fashioned regretless sexy fun times.

WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?

So sometimes I make bad judgement calls...

...like that one time I slept with a 30yr old dressed up like Justin Beiber on halloween...

and sometimes I make bad life decisions...

...like skipping the only class I really care about and love in order to hang out with a boy who is, by definition, a douchetard.

I mean... serious douchetardiness.  In case you're curious we are indeed talking about the one formerly known as Main Squeeze.  He's here in the city I call home with several of his closest douchtardy friends (including Joe Blow and a few I may have had uhhh interactions with....) and despite the fact that he has a girlfriend (not that that's stopped us in the past) and the fact that our last interaction involved him duping me into coming over and then suggesting we call a cab before we started anything so that I wouldn't be stuck on his doorstep when he was finished.

Claaaaaaassy.

Despite that I am still not in my favorite class and not at home cleaning or at the gym or doing ANYTHING productive.

I am downtown like a little bitch waiting for this bitch to call me.

I didn't want to wait for him to call to head down because then I might be late and clearly I wouldn't want to miss out on anytime with such a stand up bloke.  So I came downtown. Far Downtown.

No call.

Just waiting.

Sitting in a starbucks nursing a chai tea and hoping that I'm not a pathetic loser whose getting stood up but instead just a pathetic needy loser with thing for bad boys.

Oooh.  And he is bad in all the right ways.

No! Stop it Kitty! No bad boys for you!

Must resist the lure of his sexy tattoos and sexy grin and sexy laugh and sexy sexiness.

Not to mention the blow your mind sexy sex.

Must resist!

Although... the more pathetic I am and the more trouble I get in the more material I'll have for this blog... so really I'm thinking of you, my readers, when I consider going down the street, into his hotel, knocking on the door (kicking his roommate out) and taking full advantage of the two hours he has left in my city.

Clearly just thinking of the good of you guys.

Clearly.

Okay... its 1pm. They probably won't call. And I probably already knew that, deep down inside, when I made the journey here.

Sad Kitty.

xxKK

LETS TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME.

So I realize that I was JUST complaining about being a lonely old hag with a cobweb inducing hoohah so what I'm about to tell you will probably seem a little hypocritical but I feel like telling you anyways...

KITTY GOT LAID

And by laid I mean mind blowingly fucked until I couldn't even think straight.

This guy was not the most fit marine I've ever met (oops did I forget to say he was in the Navy?) and I definitely wouldn't describe his boxer-briefs as packing heat but.. damn that boy knew how to use what God gifted him with.

You're probably rolling your eyes at all the griping I've done lately on my lack of sexytime but don't get ahead of yourself.  I'm still going to gripe.  You see as much as I enjoyed my three hour romp in the hay (Yes, I said THREE HOURS of the third best sex I've ever had in my life) when we were all sweaty and worn out I tried to get dressed he threw me back on the bed and yelled "Nope! Cuddle Time!" Which was pretty unexpected.  So we had 30 minutes of just cuddling and him rubbing my back.

Delicious.

Wait wait wait I'm getting side tracked I was supposed to be telling you why this was bad.  So the cuddling was nice but when I did finally put my clothes back on and kissed my marine man goodbye forever I realized how much nicer that would have been if it wasn't goodbye forever.

Not with this marine, he was sort of an idiot, but with someone.  Someone who I could love and come home to and have mindblowing sex with cuddle time after.  I don't want to fuck around.  I don't want one night stands.  I want love.  I'd settle for a boyfriend first though.

Enough sap, back to the sex.

So you might of noticed that I said it was the third best sex of my life... which doesn't sound like much of a compliment when put into writing but it actually is.  You see I've had some pretty amazing sex in my lifetime thus far so third best is way up there.

Second best would have to be when my Main Squeeze and I made plans and he actually cancelled them (as he often used to do) and I was pissed off and then he called me over and I rode my motorbike over at 2am and halfway there it started to pour.  I showed up completely soaked and he had to peel my jeans off me and definitely spent the rest of the morning making up for being such a douchebag.  I'm pretty sure I finished more times than he did and that, as you ladies out there probably know, is saying something.

Number one of all time was when me and my boyfriend of the time had a little sleepover and in the morning his Dad left for work. We woke up, and had breakfast and went back to bed for a whole day.  The whole day was a series of kisses, cuddles, slow sex, cray sex, back rubs and nuzzling. I haven't experienced anything that intimate and wonderful before or since.

Well that was a very... sexified post.

Heres to hoping you all get mindblowingly fucked sometime soon. Hopefully not by a marine who is only in town for one night.

xx KK