ON FEELING LONELY...

Recap: Ninja got married, Charlie is off being happy with his wilderness barbie girlfriend and now Will is blowing me off.

Like... I know that I can be over bearing and paranoid sometimes. 

But this is not one of those times...

The sudden drop off in conversation, the lack of interest and the definite lack of plans all point to him blowing me off.

And that's really not cool because I asked him if he didn't want to come. I asked point blank if he didn't think he was going to make it and if there was a reason he wasn't talking to me. 

AND HE SAID NO. He said No he wasn't "not talking to me" and Yes he was still coming. 

WELL THAT'S SUPPOSEDLY TOMORROW. and I have no idea when his flight gets in, what train he's taking to the city, if he's taking a train, where he wants to meet, when he needs to leave.. NOTHING.

It's tomorrow. 

And I've tried. I've tried to BBM him all day long and he hasn't even bothered to read them. 

So I should take a hint and not bother cleaning up my living room or going over to NP's in the morning to get her to strap me into the super sexy corset I bought. I shouldn't bother washing my hair tonight and I shouldn't have bothered to pick up condoms. 

I just shouldn't ever bother. 

He's blowing me off and that's fine I guess... I with he had taken the out I offered him instead of just disappearing but whatever. 

I just thought that for 8 hours of my only day off in a week that I could maybe feel like someone wanted me. That there was a possibility that anyone would ever want or love me again. But maybe I left that all behind. Maybe it's better to get used to being alone. Maybe I'm not supposed to get married and have a big family and a bushel of pets. Run PTA meetings and drive my kids to soccer practice. Maybe I'm just meant to be... a bartender... who lives alone in the city and drinks to much.

My future is totally awesome. 

xxKK

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...

Chop chop chop em up and use em for a vodka garnish.

So Ninja went and got himself married.
Like... ring on her finger, fly off to a honeymoon, till death do us part: married.

And that was - whew - a rough day for me. Even rougher when I saw the album of photos showing him looking so handsome and happy to be with his bride, who picked a gorgeous dress and is the first bride to ever pick beautiful bridesmaids dresses. Everyone looked so freaking happy and I really really wanted to be happy for him.
And I guess I am in a way. Like I am glad that he is happy but I myself am quite possibly devastated.
He was holding on to this little piece of my heart. A little piece that didnt get smashed when Charlie walked away, didn't shatter when Main Squeeze cheated on me, didn't crack when boys stomped all over me. It was this precious little space that was filled with wild hopes and dreams of an outdoor fall wedding and a future with 3 kids, 4 dogs and nights cuddled by the fireplace.

But that's gone now.

It's not like he broke it or smashed it or blew it into a thousand tiny pieces like any other boy has... but when I saw those photos of their outdoor fall wedding and saw all of their future possibilites and of how happy they were... that piece of heart fell out of existence. It slipped out of my body and into the ether of lost dreams.

And it really hurts. This hollow ache - like phantom pains in a lost limb or the way your tummy feels when you're sick but have nothing left to throw up. Empty pains.

But never fear... I know I'm empty right now but eventually someone will come and curl up inside my heart and perfectly fit that giant gap.

It would be easier to see this optimistic view if I wasn't also getting blown off by other men in my life: my pops, the hot guys at work... Will...

You haven't heard a lot about Will thus far. He's actually one of my very best friends in the whole world. He's known me since I was 14 and has seen me through all sorts of ups and downs. We talk constantly and even when we occasionally lose touch we always find our way back.

Did I mention we dated in high school?

(This was between Charlie round 1 and Charlie round 2.)

Anyways... when we dated I was still all messed up and angsty like all teenage girls in Lust/Love and we ended before anything serious serious happened. Except that we've always had a twinge of flirtation. Even when I was with other people... or obsessed with other people. When I was stupid, drunk, fucked up, fucking around, anything and everything. He's always somehow found a way to see me in a beautiful way.

And that's pretty awesome.

So two years ago I decided to act on it and fly from NYC to see him and have a little sex-cation to tie up all those loose ends and to see if there was anything more past curiosity and flirtation. Lo and behold he has a girlfriend, who is pretty much living with him, when I show up.

Needless to day... no sex.

I return to NYC still sexless and depressed. Life continues. We still flirt and talk about what could of been etc etc.

Cut to two years later/now and he's planning a trip to NYC.
well... more of an 8 hour layover actually.

And he wants to make up for lost time...

And I am over joyed because I really need to feel beautiful again and be with someone who really makes me happy like he does.. even if its just for 8 hours.
Suddenly a week before he's scheduled to arrive he stops talking to me. Like... doesn't respond or only responds with a short answer and goes days without saying anything. He's too busy to text...

This from a man who used to exchange semi dirty texts with me while he was working with a client.

Like what's up with that??

I address the issue and he assures me he's still coming to the city but he can't talk right now. So I guess I still need the day off of work but it just feels so weird. Like something changed and nobody told me.
He has a history of doing this too... getting too deep and then suddenly pulling away with no warning. And I guess that guilt or sense of duty to his girlfriend is what makes him such a good man but on the other hand don't tell me something and then never follow through.

Or else I'll just be here again in a few years... sitting alone in my bedroom crying over a wedding I wasn't invited to with no one to comfort me but my beanie baby and a vibrator.

So I guess I'll find out in a few days whether he's planning on following through this time or not....

Night kitties.
xxKK


p.s.... remind me to tell you of the possible return of Main Squeeze... it's not that I enjoy recycling my old boyfriends but I already know how fun they can be and I don't have to train them... I'm too busy to train a new boy.
Plus I like games. And with MS it's always a game... a game of catching him, keeping him and keeping it good ol' fashioned regretless sexy fun times.

THE NINJA THAT SNUCK UP AND STOLE MY HEART

So someone just walked back into my life.  Someone who used to be really really important to me.

Let's call him Ninja.

Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever.  And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.

Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time.  Ninja was one of my friends at the time.  We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups.  But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.

Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.

Something wonderful.

I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.

Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.

I loved him.

Like... a lot.  But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....

Because that makes sense...

Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together.  Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day.  I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours.  In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.

Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.

He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.

The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking.  Talking three hours a night, every night, for months.  I rarely slept.  Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.

Conversations came to a halt.

Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.

Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.

Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook.  So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.

Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"

....

Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.

And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.

BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.

And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him.  We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him.  A lot.

So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing.  Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...

I am way over thinking this.

But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.

Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.

It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.

Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...

God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....



Don't judge me for saying that.  I'm just being honest.

But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me.  But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost.  Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.

xxKK

LETS TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME.

So I realize that I was JUST complaining about being a lonely old hag with a cobweb inducing hoohah so what I'm about to tell you will probably seem a little hypocritical but I feel like telling you anyways...

KITTY GOT LAID

And by laid I mean mind blowingly fucked until I couldn't even think straight.

This guy was not the most fit marine I've ever met (oops did I forget to say he was in the Navy?) and I definitely wouldn't describe his boxer-briefs as packing heat but.. damn that boy knew how to use what God gifted him with.

You're probably rolling your eyes at all the griping I've done lately on my lack of sexytime but don't get ahead of yourself.  I'm still going to gripe.  You see as much as I enjoyed my three hour romp in the hay (Yes, I said THREE HOURS of the third best sex I've ever had in my life) when we were all sweaty and worn out I tried to get dressed he threw me back on the bed and yelled "Nope! Cuddle Time!" Which was pretty unexpected.  So we had 30 minutes of just cuddling and him rubbing my back.

Delicious.

Wait wait wait I'm getting side tracked I was supposed to be telling you why this was bad.  So the cuddling was nice but when I did finally put my clothes back on and kissed my marine man goodbye forever I realized how much nicer that would have been if it wasn't goodbye forever.

Not with this marine, he was sort of an idiot, but with someone.  Someone who I could love and come home to and have mindblowing sex with cuddle time after.  I don't want to fuck around.  I don't want one night stands.  I want love.  I'd settle for a boyfriend first though.

Enough sap, back to the sex.

So you might of noticed that I said it was the third best sex of my life... which doesn't sound like much of a compliment when put into writing but it actually is.  You see I've had some pretty amazing sex in my lifetime thus far so third best is way up there.

Second best would have to be when my Main Squeeze and I made plans and he actually cancelled them (as he often used to do) and I was pissed off and then he called me over and I rode my motorbike over at 2am and halfway there it started to pour.  I showed up completely soaked and he had to peel my jeans off me and definitely spent the rest of the morning making up for being such a douchebag.  I'm pretty sure I finished more times than he did and that, as you ladies out there probably know, is saying something.

Number one of all time was when me and my boyfriend of the time had a little sleepover and in the morning his Dad left for work. We woke up, and had breakfast and went back to bed for a whole day.  The whole day was a series of kisses, cuddles, slow sex, cray sex, back rubs and nuzzling. I haven't experienced anything that intimate and wonderful before or since.

Well that was a very... sexified post.

Heres to hoping you all get mindblowingly fucked sometime soon. Hopefully not by a marine who is only in town for one night.

xx KK