After the whole MainSqueeze thing blew up in my face I vowed that I would never again let my heart live in my vagina.
I admit I've had some set backs in the whole heart in the crotch department. I've grown attached to some of my men over the years but nothing as delusional as that first real man-stake with MainSqueeze.
Now I'd like to say that it's been a wonderful world of detached sex but it's had its ups and downs. I mean on one hand you're already playing the chance game of one night stands but then you also have the bedroom politics. Some men don't like a woman who plays the emotionless sex game. God forbid you scream their names at night then leave without a kiss goodbye in the morning.
But if you ask for a number then you're needy.
Oh sweet jesus let me just bask in the hypocrisy that is men.
I'm getting off track. Where were we? Oh yes, detached sex and not letting my chatch rule my heart.
Sometimes it gets lonely. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to and tell them how my day went. Some days I wake up and wish that I had more to look forward to with my partner than a morning orgasm.
Other days I just want the orgasm.
See, I'm not completely heartless. I do want to find a boyfriend. Hell I'd even like to find a husband before I reach 30. But I'm also aware that pining over one night stands and secret bad boy flings doesn't get me anywhere closer to that pipe dream.
It is brutally obvious that when I'm only in town for 2 weeks, the guy I take home from the bar won't be my soulmate. Hell, even when I'm in town for 2 years that guy still probably isn't the one I want to spend rainy sunday mornings with.
So why, WHY DEAR GOD, am I starting to harbor feelings for a fling?
It's not even a plausible one. It's not like I'm in love with Mr. FancyPants Sebastian and his high school diploma, who at least lives in the same country as me. Nope. I've gone and developed wibbly girly feelings for a guy that lives a world away. I dunno if I should even say which of my escapades I'm referring to because it's just so implausible.
We have nothing in common, we barely ever talk and it's doubtful we'll ever be in the same location for very long.
Yet here I am, sitting up at night, thinking about him.
Someone shoot me, I think I have a crush.
It's just... despite not having anything in common with him and barely ever talking he is the guy that I want to spent rainy sunday mornings with. I think we'd be happy spending a night together where all of our clothes stay on. I believe he'd find my love of water gun fights endearing and sexy.
My day dreams often involve water gun fights.
None of this changes that it's ridiculous and stupid and could never work.
Also this doesn't take into account that, while I do think he enjoyed screwing me, I have no idea if he even sees me like that. I gotta figure out a way to shake this.
No, the answer is not to get over him by getting under someone else. I've already done that. It doesn't work. So if you have any useful advice for me, please send it my way. Because I feel like a right idiot.
Stoopid Vagina
xxKK
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Monday, September 24, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
PLAYTIME WITH PBA
Well.. We might need a new nickname for PBA.
At first the nickname discribed our intended relationship. And when that relationship idea failed it was left to brand him as the little slut of a tease that he was.
But now we've hooked up.
Thats right! Bring on the applause! After months, nay, YEARS of waiting for him to follow up on his promises of sexcapades I finally nailed the illusive PBA.
Okay but lets back up. 1) I want to set the scene for you guys... can't just jump to the main event! Like a fine wine this shit deserves some time and appreciation. 2) Right now I know you little deviants are imagining some sexy tryst with hand cuffs and duct tape and whipped cream... (or is that just me?)... but instead this was actually kind of romantic and wonderful.
So something I don't think I've really told you about PBA is that we've actually had a semi romantic relationship in the past. It wasn't always about getting laid. We used to say that if we were ever single and together that we could make it work. And in the years that have come since then we've seen each other less, talked less and become more of... sex friends.
Who never have sex.
Until I showed up at a party this weekend and, like a knight in a shining grey suit, he was standing there in a perfect halo of light.
Fucking flood lights are cool, man.
Anyways. I had known in advance that he'd probably be there (don't worry this wasn't Ninja at a bar part 2) but I wasn't expecting him to look so damn sexy. He was rolling classy in sexy pressed jeans, a button down and a sweet suit jacket. Mmm. Barney from HIMYM is right... a man in a suit (even just the jacket) is a sexy beast of a man.
So I give him a a hug and make sure to step into the light so he can appreciate how sexy I look (and damn... I looked sexxxxy)
And then, as to not be a clingy desperate stalker, I venture off to the party.
We'll about 5 minutes in I realize that I don't know anyone except PBA and my two friends, who were supposed to be my rides and are now getting waaaasted.
Well, shit.
Decide that maybe drinking is a bad idea since I might be attempting to drink a car for the first time in 2 years or walking home. Grab a water and take up a post watching these strangers get more wasted than freshmen at frat rush.
PBA comes and grabs some couch with me. And in one part of my mine I'm like OMG I'M GOING TO TO TOTALLY HAVE SEXY TIME WITH HIM AT LAST.
But in the other side I realize that it's actually really great catching up with him. We spend a few hours just talking about everything from work to... well actually just work because we're both so busy. And as we're talking we're getting closer and closer and I'm letting my "I don't need to show physical affection because I'm too cool for emotions" facade fall and I'm touching his arm (a clear sign of affection) and playing with my hair (flirting 101) and he, instead of rejecting this like I expect, puts his arm around me and suddenly we're snuggling.
IN PUBLIC.
I know this sounds weird, but do you guys understand how amazing that is?
To have a sober cuddle session in public?! (he was sober too)
It's something that I can't remember happening since... since Charlie. That's a long time. A long time indeed...
So we're cuddling and it's late and he tells me he has to go because he has to be up really early. So that's a downer. But he offers me a right home... which I guess is something. Better than car theft or walking.
So he's driving me home and I keep hoping that he runs out of gas or something so that I can spend more time with him.
Who the fuck am I??? What are all these emotions?
BAD EMOTIONS. GET BACK IN YO' CAVE.
Anyways he starts slowing down as he gets into my lane and I realize he doesn't want to drop me off.
It's like all of my 12 year old drams come true.
So he drives past my driveway. Goes to the little circle at the end of the lane to turn around but instead just turns off the car. And so we start talking some more. And then it happens. He lets go of my hand (oh yeah, he was holding my hand) and reaches over and kisses me.
And I wish that I could say I stayed calm and classy but I pretty much jumped onto him. I was just so excited that it was happening! And so we made out for quite some time. Then he tells me, with a sad face, that he didn't bring a condom.
SLUTSOMATIC TO THE RESCUE.
I just happened to have my extra thin sensitive Durex on me.
Safe Sex FTW.
We climb into the back seat (oh yeah, keep in mind that we're in a jeep right now... how sweet valley high, right?) And we get down to it. And I forgot how awkward it is to have sex in a car! We fumbled for a while before getting into a groove.
Into a glorious groove.
Where I may, or may not, have said "Oh my god, I'm having sex with PBA"
...I would be more embarrassed but apparently he truly enjoyed that little exclamation...
And then he sort of threw out his back. (yeah... it was that kind of sex)
So that sort of stopped the action for a while. But while we took a break and hung out naked in the back seat. He gave me a back rub (which is pretty much my favorite thing ever) and we talked about our lives and about our hopes, dreams and worries.
Yes. It was that kind of sappy lovey thing.
And it was beautiful.
We just hung out and were happy together. Haven't felt that way in a long time.
So after a few hours of hanging out (after he had said he had to be home so much earlier) we finally decide to clamber back into the front seat and get dressed. At this point I realized I'm on the edge of a second post-sex breakdown and I try to post pone him leaving for so long. After an extra hour I realize that it's officially ridiculous. It's almost 6am... the time he was supposed to be waking up. So I let him drop me off and I, semi tearfully say goodbye.
But unlike with Ken this time I was sad because I really might like this guy.
For once I felt happy with a guy and I didn't have to be drunk or secretive or anything. It was just naturally wonderful.
And the sex was amazing.
So I guess that's something to be thinking about.. Ugh speaking of late it's late now I need to sleep but there's one last bit to this story so keep your eyes on the horizon for the last bit of vacation gossip.
xxKK
At first the nickname discribed our intended relationship. And when that relationship idea failed it was left to brand him as the little slut of a tease that he was.
But now we've hooked up.
Thats right! Bring on the applause! After months, nay, YEARS of waiting for him to follow up on his promises of sexcapades I finally nailed the illusive PBA.
Okay but lets back up. 1) I want to set the scene for you guys... can't just jump to the main event! Like a fine wine this shit deserves some time and appreciation. 2) Right now I know you little deviants are imagining some sexy tryst with hand cuffs and duct tape and whipped cream... (or is that just me?)... but instead this was actually kind of romantic and wonderful.
So something I don't think I've really told you about PBA is that we've actually had a semi romantic relationship in the past. It wasn't always about getting laid. We used to say that if we were ever single and together that we could make it work. And in the years that have come since then we've seen each other less, talked less and become more of... sex friends.
Who never have sex.
Until I showed up at a party this weekend and, like a knight in a shining grey suit, he was standing there in a perfect halo of light.
Fucking flood lights are cool, man.
Anyways. I had known in advance that he'd probably be there (don't worry this wasn't Ninja at a bar part 2) but I wasn't expecting him to look so damn sexy. He was rolling classy in sexy pressed jeans, a button down and a sweet suit jacket. Mmm. Barney from HIMYM is right... a man in a suit (even just the jacket) is a sexy beast of a man.
So I give him a a hug and make sure to step into the light so he can appreciate how sexy I look (and damn... I looked sexxxxy)
And then, as to not be a clingy desperate stalker, I venture off to the party.
We'll about 5 minutes in I realize that I don't know anyone except PBA and my two friends, who were supposed to be my rides and are now getting waaaasted.
Well, shit.
Decide that maybe drinking is a bad idea since I might be attempting to drink a car for the first time in 2 years or walking home. Grab a water and take up a post watching these strangers get more wasted than freshmen at frat rush.
PBA comes and grabs some couch with me. And in one part of my mine I'm like OMG I'M GOING TO TO TOTALLY HAVE SEXY TIME WITH HIM AT LAST.
But in the other side I realize that it's actually really great catching up with him. We spend a few hours just talking about everything from work to... well actually just work because we're both so busy. And as we're talking we're getting closer and closer and I'm letting my "I don't need to show physical affection because I'm too cool for emotions" facade fall and I'm touching his arm (a clear sign of affection) and playing with my hair (flirting 101) and he, instead of rejecting this like I expect, puts his arm around me and suddenly we're snuggling.
IN PUBLIC.
I know this sounds weird, but do you guys understand how amazing that is?
To have a sober cuddle session in public?! (he was sober too)
It's something that I can't remember happening since... since Charlie. That's a long time. A long time indeed...
So we're cuddling and it's late and he tells me he has to go because he has to be up really early. So that's a downer. But he offers me a right home... which I guess is something. Better than car theft or walking.
So he's driving me home and I keep hoping that he runs out of gas or something so that I can spend more time with him.
Who the fuck am I??? What are all these emotions?
BAD EMOTIONS. GET BACK IN YO' CAVE.
Anyways he starts slowing down as he gets into my lane and I realize he doesn't want to drop me off.
It's like all of my 12 year old drams come true.
So he drives past my driveway. Goes to the little circle at the end of the lane to turn around but instead just turns off the car. And so we start talking some more. And then it happens. He lets go of my hand (oh yeah, he was holding my hand) and reaches over and kisses me.
And I wish that I could say I stayed calm and classy but I pretty much jumped onto him. I was just so excited that it was happening! And so we made out for quite some time. Then he tells me, with a sad face, that he didn't bring a condom.
SLUTSOMATIC TO THE RESCUE.
I just happened to have my extra thin sensitive Durex on me.
Safe Sex FTW.
We climb into the back seat (oh yeah, keep in mind that we're in a jeep right now... how sweet valley high, right?) And we get down to it. And I forgot how awkward it is to have sex in a car! We fumbled for a while before getting into a groove.
Into a glorious groove.
Where I may, or may not, have said "Oh my god, I'm having sex with PBA"
...I would be more embarrassed but apparently he truly enjoyed that little exclamation...
And then he sort of threw out his back. (yeah... it was that kind of sex)
So that sort of stopped the action for a while. But while we took a break and hung out naked in the back seat. He gave me a back rub (which is pretty much my favorite thing ever) and we talked about our lives and about our hopes, dreams and worries.
Yes. It was that kind of sappy lovey thing.
And it was beautiful.
We just hung out and were happy together. Haven't felt that way in a long time.
So after a few hours of hanging out (after he had said he had to be home so much earlier) we finally decide to clamber back into the front seat and get dressed. At this point I realized I'm on the edge of a second post-sex breakdown and I try to post pone him leaving for so long. After an extra hour I realize that it's officially ridiculous. It's almost 6am... the time he was supposed to be waking up. So I let him drop me off and I, semi tearfully say goodbye.
But unlike with Ken this time I was sad because I really might like this guy.
For once I felt happy with a guy and I didn't have to be drunk or secretive or anything. It was just naturally wonderful.
And the sex was amazing.
So I guess that's something to be thinking about.. Ugh speaking of late it's late now I need to sleep but there's one last bit to this story so keep your eyes on the horizon for the last bit of vacation gossip.
xxKK
Sunday, January 15, 2012
OOOH IT FEELS GOOD TO BE STRUCK BY LIGHTENING..
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Monday, January 9, 2012
ON SWITCHING 'I' FOR 'E' AND LOVE IN 2012
So this year I didn't actually set any real resolutions. I mean there are always the usuals in the back of my head...
lose weight...
finish writing a script...
find a boyfriend...
have better sex...
spend less on shoes...
The usuals.
But nothing committed to paper or anything like that.
Well since the New Year I've managed to somehow, without prompting of resolutions, still manage to turn over a tiny bit of a leaf.
I already just feel more positive. It's probably just runoff of 2011 because I have this great new job working in TV and I love it, and I've been hanging out with my best friends a lot, and I've cut out 90% of the useless drama (obviously I have to keep that 10% plus 100% of useful drama... or else life would be bloody boring) and all of that was lumped onto the tail end of 2011.
And then I got to go home for the first time in a year and see my friends and ride my moped and have sex with hometown boy and I came back to the city just even more positive. I found out that people in the office actually missed me while I was gone and I made a new friend [at work] (!!!) and I just feel awesome.
This girl started working with me 3 days a week and for the first hour I wasn't sure of how it was going to go but then I realized she was just what my girl friend group was missing. She's hilarious and sweet and a total gossip (but in the fun endearing way, not the malicious rumors way)
And usually I would have been mad awkward and driven her away but I was feeling positive and open and now we're good friends after only a week.
And then I went on a date with a guy tonight. His name in Stratton and I met him online and I didn't run away afte 3 IMs. We met up and went ice skating. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere but I'm willing to give it another shot since he didn't make fun of me for falling twice and making rail stops every 10 minutes and he thought my intense fear and concentration was endearing instead of weird. I don't know if I like him or if he likes me but, by God, I'm going to give it a try. Because I'm being goddamn positive and I fucking deserve it.
Hell I'm gonna date all the guys online.
Everyone of them.
Okay maybe not that many...
But the point is I'm opening up and trying! I haven't been to my neighborhood bars since I've been home because I'm trying (against my natural instinct) to branch out and try new things.
I'm even couponing now. Because happy people like savings too. And there's something weirdly seductive about that little slot at the bottom of my receipt that says "In this transaction you have saved $24.58"
Like... yeah I motherfucking did! High five to myself. Pat on the back. NBD.
And I guess the last thing I'll tell you about this new me is that I took the "I" out of "bitter" and inserted an "e"
(I'm saving the I to spell optimistic)
The point is..
well the point needs a tiny backstory.
While I was home he-who-shall-not-be-named contacted me.
No, not Voldemort, Mugwug.
He sent me a very kind merry christmas text. I didn't respond because I was roaming and long distant and poor. But also because I didn't know what to say. Like... you left me on the floor for 6 hours with a mass amount of torn ligaments. You lied about me to everyone I knew. You made me cry more than any boy I've ever known before and we were just friends... And then out of nowhere, after not having any contact for 5 months you send me the happy christmas text? And have the audacity to mention my family?
It definitely threw me off balance. A
And at first I thought of every childish catty thing I could respond from "who's this?" to "my christmas is especially merry without you in it" but then I decided not to be a total cunt and I just didn't respond at all.
But that's not a solution either. Because then I look like the bad guy. So I finally swallowed my bitterness and just wrote back a simple "Thanks, same to you." Because I don't need to catch up or invite conversation because my life truly is infinitely better without him. But I also don't need to waste energy on hating him or ignoring him.
I'm through playing games.
Happy 2012.
xxKK
lose weight...
finish writing a script...
find a boyfriend...
have better sex...
spend less on shoes...
The usuals.
But nothing committed to paper or anything like that.
Well since the New Year I've managed to somehow, without prompting of resolutions, still manage to turn over a tiny bit of a leaf.
I already just feel more positive. It's probably just runoff of 2011 because I have this great new job working in TV and I love it, and I've been hanging out with my best friends a lot, and I've cut out 90% of the useless drama (obviously I have to keep that 10% plus 100% of useful drama... or else life would be bloody boring) and all of that was lumped onto the tail end of 2011.
And then I got to go home for the first time in a year and see my friends and ride my moped and have sex with hometown boy and I came back to the city just even more positive. I found out that people in the office actually missed me while I was gone and I made a new friend [at work] (!!!) and I just feel awesome.
This girl started working with me 3 days a week and for the first hour I wasn't sure of how it was going to go but then I realized she was just what my girl friend group was missing. She's hilarious and sweet and a total gossip (but in the fun endearing way, not the malicious rumors way)
And usually I would have been mad awkward and driven her away but I was feeling positive and open and now we're good friends after only a week.
And then I went on a date with a guy tonight. His name in Stratton and I met him online and I didn't run away afte 3 IMs. We met up and went ice skating. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere but I'm willing to give it another shot since he didn't make fun of me for falling twice and making rail stops every 10 minutes and he thought my intense fear and concentration was endearing instead of weird. I don't know if I like him or if he likes me but, by God, I'm going to give it a try. Because I'm being goddamn positive and I fucking deserve it.
Hell I'm gonna date all the guys online.
Everyone of them.
Okay maybe not that many...
But the point is I'm opening up and trying! I haven't been to my neighborhood bars since I've been home because I'm trying (against my natural instinct) to branch out and try new things.
I'm even couponing now. Because happy people like savings too. And there's something weirdly seductive about that little slot at the bottom of my receipt that says "In this transaction you have saved $24.58"
Like... yeah I motherfucking did! High five to myself. Pat on the back. NBD.
And I guess the last thing I'll tell you about this new me is that I took the "I" out of "bitter" and inserted an "e"
(I'm saving the I to spell optimistic)
The point is..
well the point needs a tiny backstory.
While I was home he-who-shall-not-be-named contacted me.
No, not Voldemort, Mugwug.
He sent me a very kind merry christmas text. I didn't respond because I was roaming and long distant and poor. But also because I didn't know what to say. Like... you left me on the floor for 6 hours with a mass amount of torn ligaments. You lied about me to everyone I knew. You made me cry more than any boy I've ever known before and we were just friends... And then out of nowhere, after not having any contact for 5 months you send me the happy christmas text? And have the audacity to mention my family?
It definitely threw me off balance. A
And at first I thought of every childish catty thing I could respond from "who's this?" to "my christmas is especially merry without you in it" but then I decided not to be a total cunt and I just didn't respond at all.
But that's not a solution either. Because then I look like the bad guy. So I finally swallowed my bitterness and just wrote back a simple "Thanks, same to you." Because I don't need to catch up or invite conversation because my life truly is infinitely better without him. But I also don't need to waste energy on hating him or ignoring him.
I'm through playing games.
Happy 2012.
xxKK
Sunday, January 8, 2012
WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE
As you know I was just back home for the holidays. What you don't know is that I was supposed to come back to NYC on the 3rd but my flight got canceled due to bad weather.
At first I was like "Fuck!"
And then I was like "Fuck yeah!"
Extra day at home FTW. So I decided to go out and re-celebrate my last night. Now apparently tuesday nights are like a big going out night at home (lets face it… when isn't it a good going out night?) And I ran into Joey. Which is fine, whatever.
But then I ran into Jack.
Now Jack is a boy I've known of for a while but didn't ever run in the same circles. Anyways a few nights into my holiday vacation I ran into him at a bar and we got to talking and it came up that he was American (and I'm not) and we started joking that he could be my Green Card Husband. At first it was playful.
Told all of our friends that we were getting married (they were drunk enough to believe it)
After some bar hopping we started dancing.
Oh jesus.
This boy has more energy than a redbull on crack.
I was nearly knocked over by all of his hip thrusts and shimmy shimmy shakes. But he is really hot. Like… gorgeous… so I kept dancing and flirting.
Soon energetic dancing became energetic making out and before I knew it all of my lipstick was gone and I'd christened every corner of the bar with him. (Kissing christening not the… other… kind)
So we exchanged numbers and promised to meet up.
Cut to a week later where I haven't heard from him and have started regularly sleeping with Joey.
So I run into him, make a quick joke about how he never returned my call… then he drops it on me… he's been trying to get ahold of me. He took down the wrong number (oops booze) and he wanted to get together.
Err.. oops? Missed opportunity, aw shucks. And it sucks that it's my last night because I'm sure he'd be a jackrabbit in the sheets but I bet he'd be enthusiastic in all the right ways.
So anyways I'm hanging out with Joey and Jack is hanging around and he starts flirting and trying to dance (and we know where that goes…) so I sort of… take him to another part of the bar. Separate the two J's right?
So we're flirting and joking around but I'm keeping my distance (or so I thought) and trying not to seem like a massive whore who's got two guys with her. But I guess I wasn't as subtle as I thought I was because people kept coming up and asking me about my boyfriend and I'm like "HA, no. Just a friend"
But then I hear people coming up to him and talking about his "boo" and he… doesn't correct them.
Like… we made out once… I'm not your "boo"
So then it gets a little awkward because it's clear that he wants me to go home with him or at least have a repeat showing of the first time.
And then there's Joey who's telling me how he's getting home later (hint hint) and I'm trying like hell to keep them away from each other so noone puts it together that 2+2 = Whore.
Like I don't want people knowing what a tongue slut I was…
I mean usually I'd say no shame in that game but the thing is… I just don't know the expectation in this situation. Like… I'm not dating Joey so I wouldn't care if he was playmate to someone else as well. Like we always use a condom so I'm not really worried about picking up some random girls VD from him. But I dunno if I'd want to see him making out with another girl in front of me… Like I don't mind if he screws her but I don't want to see it?
Then again I thought I saw him on a date and the only thing I thought about was making sure his girl didn't figure out that he was fucking me because I didn't want to ruin a date… Like I wasn't jealous. (turned out to be his cousin in the end)
But just because I don't care doesn't mean I should go around showing off the other guy I'm playing with. Or does it not matter?
Ugh I just don't know how to handle it when the worlds collide.
Any thoughts?
Anyone?
xxKK
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
THE JOEY FORMULA
Okay so I've been thinking lately.
(uh-oh)
And I've realized something... I've been sleeping with Joey for about a week now and I haven't gotten all wibbly and lame about him. I haven't gushed about him to my friends, I haven't over analyzed every text he sent me and, frankly, I can't say with any certainty that I actually know his last name...
If you know me you know that this isn't usually the case. Usually once I get laid I'm in love.
Okay not that ridiculous... but I do... I fall for guys who just want to fuck me because it's just so much fun to chase after my dirty sexy playmates.
Anyways... following that formula you would think that I'd be all over that.
But I'm just not... does this mean I'm growing up? Getting over falling in love with my vagina?
OR
Does it mean that I'm losing the ability to love...
OR
Does it mean that I just don't fall for good guys...
Because Joey is a good guy. Like he's funny, he's sweet, he's dirty in all the right ways without being rude. He's not mean. He's not cryptic.
He's very fun in bed.
All of these are good things right? Like.. what's the problem? Because the list doesn't stop there...
- he's cute
- he's employed
- he's playful
- we have similar humor
- we are very sexually compatible
- he makes me laugh
- he puts me first
- he always kisses me goodbye
- he likes it when I sleep over
I could keep going...
but the thing is... this isn't gushing. It's just a list of facts. No emotion attached.
This is a good guy... I should be falling for him.
And it's good that I'm not because I don't live here anymore and I am so not a long distance girl.
But I kind of wish that when I left at the end of the night I got a little sad... that I missed him just a little bit and that I wanted to be with him for more than sex.
Por ejemplo... Last night I was planning on some good bye sex (I was supposed to leave today) but he wasn't feeling good. I was bummed out and he said sorry like a bajillion times and then finally (a little bit out of sorriness and a little bit out of horniness) he relented and invited me over.
Of course I got straight down to business... I walked in, took off my pants and heels, stripped off my outer layers and right before I was about to pop out of my knickers he was like "Oh... you wanted to get right down to it?"
Um... yeah?
Aren't you sick and feeble? Don't you WANT me to bang your brains out and then leave without a kiss goodbye?? Isn't this what all men want?
We ended up cuddling and hanging out for a bit before we got down to business and then after we watched an hour of TV before he conked out and I excused myself.
But after all that... after two hours of enjoying hanging out with him, having him do me just the way I needed and a butt tonne of cuddles I still didn't look back when I left.
I always shoot one last longing glance back when leaving my lust buddies but Joey is different.
Is this what a real relationship is like?? Friends who have sex? Because I like the hanging out and I like the sex... I just don't long for him the way I long for.. other.. people. And like it's not such a bad deal... get a good friend, get a good lay and call it a day. But then what about the magic of dating?? Like... do we give up the butterflies and three hour prep time? Do we give up all the fun of dating to get a good down to earth guy?
I just don't know.
I'm sure that I'll be talking about this topic again soon (since the idea of settling crosses my mind 6000 times a day) but for now I need to go pack my bag so I can get the hell out of dodge and head back to my city.
xxKK
(uh-oh)
And I've realized something... I've been sleeping with Joey for about a week now and I haven't gotten all wibbly and lame about him. I haven't gushed about him to my friends, I haven't over analyzed every text he sent me and, frankly, I can't say with any certainty that I actually know his last name...
If you know me you know that this isn't usually the case. Usually once I get laid I'm in love.
Okay not that ridiculous... but I do... I fall for guys who just want to fuck me because it's just so much fun to chase after my dirty sexy playmates.
Anyways... following that formula you would think that I'd be all over that.
But I'm just not... does this mean I'm growing up? Getting over falling in love with my vagina?
OR
Does it mean that I'm losing the ability to love...
OR
Does it mean that I just don't fall for good guys...
Because Joey is a good guy. Like he's funny, he's sweet, he's dirty in all the right ways without being rude. He's not mean. He's not cryptic.
He's very fun in bed.
All of these are good things right? Like.. what's the problem? Because the list doesn't stop there...
- he's cute
- he's employed
- he's playful
- we have similar humor
- we are very sexually compatible
- he makes me laugh
- he puts me first
- he always kisses me goodbye
- he likes it when I sleep over
I could keep going...
but the thing is... this isn't gushing. It's just a list of facts. No emotion attached.
This is a good guy... I should be falling for him.
And it's good that I'm not because I don't live here anymore and I am so not a long distance girl.
But I kind of wish that when I left at the end of the night I got a little sad... that I missed him just a little bit and that I wanted to be with him for more than sex.
Por ejemplo... Last night I was planning on some good bye sex (I was supposed to leave today) but he wasn't feeling good. I was bummed out and he said sorry like a bajillion times and then finally (a little bit out of sorriness and a little bit out of horniness) he relented and invited me over.
Of course I got straight down to business... I walked in, took off my pants and heels, stripped off my outer layers and right before I was about to pop out of my knickers he was like "Oh... you wanted to get right down to it?"
Um... yeah?
Aren't you sick and feeble? Don't you WANT me to bang your brains out and then leave without a kiss goodbye?? Isn't this what all men want?
We ended up cuddling and hanging out for a bit before we got down to business and then after we watched an hour of TV before he conked out and I excused myself.
But after all that... after two hours of enjoying hanging out with him, having him do me just the way I needed and a butt tonne of cuddles I still didn't look back when I left.
I always shoot one last longing glance back when leaving my lust buddies but Joey is different.
Is this what a real relationship is like?? Friends who have sex? Because I like the hanging out and I like the sex... I just don't long for him the way I long for.. other.. people. And like it's not such a bad deal... get a good friend, get a good lay and call it a day. But then what about the magic of dating?? Like... do we give up the butterflies and three hour prep time? Do we give up all the fun of dating to get a good down to earth guy?
I just don't know.
I'm sure that I'll be talking about this topic again soon (since the idea of settling crosses my mind 6000 times a day) but for now I need to go pack my bag so I can get the hell out of dodge and head back to my city.
xxKK
Friday, April 22, 2011
THE NINJA THAT SNUCK UP AND STOLE MY HEART
So someone just walked back into my life. Someone who used to be really really important to me.
Let's call him Ninja.
Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever. And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.
Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time. Ninja was one of my friends at the time. We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups. But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.
Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.
Something wonderful.
I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.
Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.
I loved him.
Like... a lot. But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....
Because that makes sense...
Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together. Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day. I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours. In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.
Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.
He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.
The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking. Talking three hours a night, every night, for months. I rarely slept. Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.
Conversations came to a halt.
Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.
Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.
Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook. So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.
Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"
....
Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.
And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him. We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him. A lot.
So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing. Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...
I am way over thinking this.
But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.
Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.
It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.
Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...
God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....
Don't judge me for saying that. I'm just being honest.
But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me. But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost. Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.
xxKK
Let's call him Ninja.
Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever. And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.
Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time. Ninja was one of my friends at the time. We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups. But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.
Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.
Something wonderful.
I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.
Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.
I loved him.
Like... a lot. But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....
Because that makes sense...
Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together. Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day. I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours. In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.
Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.
He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.
The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking. Talking three hours a night, every night, for months. I rarely slept. Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.
Conversations came to a halt.
Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.
Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.
Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook. So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.
Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"
....
Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.
And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him. We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him. A lot.
So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing. Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...
I am way over thinking this.
But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.
Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.
It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.
Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...
God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....
Don't judge me for saying that. I'm just being honest.
But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me. But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost. Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.
xxKK
Friday, July 23, 2010
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: DECREPIT
So I spend a lot of time on Facebook. Mostly because I have no life nothing better to do ever at work. And I do love my Facebook. What's not to love? It's totally narcissistic. I look at photos of myself, check out what hilarious things I've posted before, try to come up with ever increasingly witty statuses and totally stalk my ex's see what people are up to.
Don't even try to act like your surprised/judging/don't do the same thing. Anyone with a blog already likes themselves a bit too much and I already warned you from the start what kind of person I am.
Anyways. So I love Facebook. Well... that is, I like Facebook when Facebook likes me.
Which is to say I like when it tells me I have 5 new friend requests.
And when it says 14 people have commented on my latest photo album.
And when my friends are posting about the kick ass party they plan on throwing this week..
And when somebody "likes" my status.
And when it suggests I like 'UFC' and 'puppies' because it knows that I am a tough bitch with a sensitive lovable side.
But sometimes Facebook is not my friend....
Like when it tells me that only random old fat dudes want to be my friend...
and that 14 people have commented on how hot everyone but me in that album is
and that I wasn't actually invited to the big weekend party...
and that the status people like is when someone hacked my computer and posted "is going to die"
and when it tells me that I should like 'alcohol' and 'Match.com' because I'm a lonely hag of a drunk.
Such Depression.
Another time Facebook is not my friend is all the time.
Because no matter how good of a day I'm having Facebook can always remind me that I am stuck in singledom.
Kitty Kat
Gender: Female
Interested in: Men
Relationship Status: Decrepit
Fucking thanks Facebook.
Don't even try to act like your surprised/judging/don't do the same thing. Anyone with a blog already likes themselves a bit too much and I already warned you from the start what kind of person I am.
Anyways. So I love Facebook. Well... that is, I like Facebook when Facebook likes me.
Which is to say I like when it tells me I have 5 new friend requests.
And when it says 14 people have commented on my latest photo album.
And when my friends are posting about the kick ass party they plan on throwing this week..
And when somebody "likes" my status.
And when it suggests I like 'UFC' and 'puppies' because it knows that I am a tough bitch with a sensitive lovable side.
But sometimes Facebook is not my friend....
Like when it tells me that only random old fat dudes want to be my friend...
and that 14 people have commented on how hot everyone but me in that album is
and that I wasn't actually invited to the big weekend party...
and that the status people like is when someone hacked my computer and posted "is going to die"
and when it tells me that I should like 'alcohol' and 'Match.com' because I'm a lonely hag of a drunk.
Such Depression.
Another time Facebook is not my friend is all the time.
Because no matter how good of a day I'm having Facebook can always remind me that I am stuck in singledom.
Kitty Kat
Gender: Female
Interested in: Men
Relationship Status: Decrepit
Fucking thanks Facebook.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
THE DUDE-CHICK HYBRID
So… I’m a chick. In case you weren’t aware.
But I wouldn’t exactly call myself the typical girl…
My idea of a fun night out does not include group trips to the bathroom or drinks with umbrellas. When hosting movie night I’d rather watch Saw 1 2 & 3 than The Notebook and when picking my ideal pet I would choose a large dog who could probably eat both your cat and your rhinestone adorned Chihuahua in one sitting.
I like comics and video games and UFC and shots of jäger and talking smack with my guy friends and I would be so happy to wake up at 2pm on a Saturday, open a beer and chill in front of my flat screen for a couple of hours.
So I guess I’m sort of a dude…
But then again I love cooking, and I am a total mama bear and I like snuggles and I obsess over my hair way too much.
So now I’m back to being a chick.
But I use words like “chick” so I’m back to being a dude.
Oh the conundrums.
Well recently I figured out that being a dude-chick hybrid might just work in my advantage. I mean think about it… I am like the perfect package!
I’ll lure men to my sweet pad with the promise of xbox and UFC and then make them want to stay for dinner when they smell the deliciousness wafting from my kitchen.
And over dinner and wine they’ll see how classy and wonderful I am.
But they won’t be worried about me being too stiff or stuck up because they’ll appreciate how my inner G comes out when I’m smackin’ bitches and pouring 40s on my homies while playing Saints Row.
They will respect that I live alone in a pretty large house because it means we can have some bitchin' parties but don’t have to worry about that awkward roommate when we want some alone time.
He’ll love taking me out with his friends because I’m so funny and friendly, but, also because I can tell you the stats of 25 different MMA fighters off the top of my head.
He’ll take me home to meet his family because he knows his Mom and I will bond over dinner prep but I’m still cool enough to joke with his rowdy brothers.
He’ll make fun of my nerdy obsession with ComicCon but will take solace in knowing that I’ll never judge him for his model airplane collection.
He’ll love that I can have a good time wherever we are, whether it’s a grimy sports bar, an upscale night club or his Great Aunt Greta’s 15th wedding reception.
*sigh* We’ll be so happy forever…
who am I kidding… I’m going to be single forever…
murr - KK
But I wouldn’t exactly call myself the typical girl…
My idea of a fun night out does not include group trips to the bathroom or drinks with umbrellas. When hosting movie night I’d rather watch Saw 1 2 & 3 than The Notebook and when picking my ideal pet I would choose a large dog who could probably eat both your cat and your rhinestone adorned Chihuahua in one sitting.
I like comics and video games and UFC and shots of jäger and talking smack with my guy friends and I would be so happy to wake up at 2pm on a Saturday, open a beer and chill in front of my flat screen for a couple of hours.
So I guess I’m sort of a dude…
But then again I love cooking, and I am a total mama bear and I like snuggles and I obsess over my hair way too much.
So now I’m back to being a chick.
But I use words like “chick” so I’m back to being a dude.
Oh the conundrums.
Well recently I figured out that being a dude-chick hybrid might just work in my advantage. I mean think about it… I am like the perfect package!
I’ll lure men to my sweet pad with the promise of xbox and UFC and then make them want to stay for dinner when they smell the deliciousness wafting from my kitchen.
And over dinner and wine they’ll see how classy and wonderful I am.
But they won’t be worried about me being too stiff or stuck up because they’ll appreciate how my inner G comes out when I’m smackin’ bitches and pouring 40s on my homies while playing Saints Row.
They will respect that I live alone in a pretty large house because it means we can have some bitchin' parties but don’t have to worry about that awkward roommate when we want some alone time.
He’ll love taking me out with his friends because I’m so funny and friendly, but, also because I can tell you the stats of 25 different MMA fighters off the top of my head.
He’ll take me home to meet his family because he knows his Mom and I will bond over dinner prep but I’m still cool enough to joke with his rowdy brothers.
He’ll make fun of my nerdy obsession with ComicCon but will take solace in knowing that I’ll never judge him for his model airplane collection.
He’ll love that I can have a good time wherever we are, whether it’s a grimy sports bar, an upscale night club or his Great Aunt Greta’s 15th wedding reception.
*sigh* We’ll be so happy forever…
...
who am I kidding… I’m going to be single forever…
murr - KK
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