ON SWITCHING 'I' FOR 'E' AND LOVE IN 2012

So this year I didn't actually set any real resolutions. I mean there are always the usuals in the back of my head...

lose weight...
finish writing a script...
find a boyfriend...
have better sex...
spend less on shoes...

The usuals.

But nothing committed to paper or anything like that.

Well since the New Year I've managed to somehow, without prompting of resolutions, still manage to turn over a tiny bit of a leaf.

I already just feel more positive. It's probably just runoff of 2011 because I have this great new job working in TV and I love it, and I've been hanging out with my best friends a lot, and I've cut out 90% of the useless drama (obviously I have to keep that 10% plus 100% of useful drama... or else life would be bloody boring) and all of that was lumped onto the tail end of 2011.

And then I got to go home for the first time in a year and see my friends and ride my moped and have sex with hometown boy and I came back to the city just even more positive. I found out that people in the office actually missed me while I was gone and I made a new friend [at work] (!!!) and I just feel awesome.

This girl started working with me 3 days a week and for the first hour I wasn't sure of how it was going to go but then I realized she was just what my girl friend group was missing. She's hilarious and sweet and a total gossip (but in the fun endearing way, not the malicious rumors way)
And usually I would have been mad awkward and driven her away but I was feeling positive and open and now we're good friends after only a week.

And then I went on a date with a guy tonight. His name in Stratton and I met him online and I didn't run away afte 3 IMs. We met up and went ice skating. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere but I'm willing to give it another shot since he didn't make fun of me for falling twice and making rail stops every 10 minutes and he thought my intense fear and concentration was endearing instead of weird. I don't know if I like him or if he likes me but, by God, I'm going to give it a try. Because I'm being goddamn positive and I fucking deserve it.

Hell I'm gonna date all the guys online.

Everyone of them.

Okay maybe not that many...

But the point is I'm opening up and trying! I haven't been to my neighborhood bars since I've been home because I'm trying (against my natural instinct) to branch out and try new things.

I'm even couponing now. Because happy people like savings too. And there's something weirdly seductive about that little slot at the bottom of my receipt that says "In this transaction you have saved $24.58"
Like... yeah I motherfucking did! High five to myself. Pat on the back. NBD.

And I guess the last thing I'll tell you about this new me is that I took the "I" out of "bitter" and inserted an "e"

(I'm saving the I to spell optimistic)

The point is..

well the point needs a tiny backstory.

While I was home he-who-shall-not-be-named contacted me.
No, not Voldemort, Mugwug.
He sent me a very kind merry christmas text. I didn't respond because I was roaming and long distant and poor. But also because I didn't know what to say. Like... you left me on the floor for 6 hours with a mass amount of torn ligaments. You lied about me to everyone I knew. You made me cry more than any boy I've ever known before and we were just friends... And then out of nowhere, after not having any contact for 5 months you send me the happy christmas text? And have the audacity to mention my family?

It definitely threw me off balance. A

And at first I thought of every childish catty thing I could respond from "who's this?" to "my christmas is especially merry without you in it" but then I decided not to be a total cunt and I just didn't respond at all.

But that's not a solution either. Because then I look like the bad guy. So I finally swallowed my bitterness and just wrote back a simple "Thanks, same to you." Because I don't need to catch up or invite conversation because my life truly is infinitely better without him. But I also don't need to waste energy on hating him or ignoring him.

I'm through playing games.

Happy 2012.

xxKK

I DONT WANT TO GO INTO DETAILS....

...but MugWug will not be appearing on this blog again. Unfortunately he chose to pursue a course of action that makes being friends with him impossible. We've had issues for a long time but he was always my brother...

...until the day he let me lie on the floor for an hour with a potentially broken ankle.

That was the day he ceased to be my brother. But there was still hope that one day we'd manage to find our friendship again. But today he chose to make an irrevocable error in judgement and he has lost me as a friend forever. He's made it impossible for me to be his friend, family or business partner.

Goodbye MugWug.
It's horrible that you threw away 4 years of friendship but if you can do that to me then I don't want to know you anymore.

xxKK

GIMPY McGIMPSTER

So I went out the other night.

Shocking news, I know. 

But I went out. 

Candi's baby sister was in town so we clearly had to get her wasted. So we went out. And we got wasted and we needed to sing out our little drunken hearts so we went downstairs to sing some karaoke. And while I was up there crooning out a mediocre version of "Use Somebody" some dumbass guy decided to mop the floor. 

Mop the floor so that when I triumphantly pranced off stage in my 6 inch heels I slipped and fell all the way down. 

Oh yes. All the way. As in I was flat on my back.

And I felt a little twinge of pain that progressively got worse but the 9 drinks I'd had helped me numb that pain. Cut to an hour later, two more drinks and a shot of jager and I was teetering my way out the door. Went to Duane Reade, got snacks and trashy magazines, went back outside and made out with a random Irish man (much better looking than Samwise) then walked Candi to 10th ave to get a cab. Then went home.

Cut to the next morning when I wake up and try to get out of bed to get some much needed water and Boom. Blinding pain. 

I find that I am completely unable to bear weight, or any slight amount of pressure, on my right foot without blinding pain. So I, being my crafty little self, manage to use the many piles of crap around my bed to get onto the floor on my knees and I half crawl, half drag myself out of the bedroom. 

Mugwugs in the living room watching TV and I lay on the floor (because it hurts so bad that I literally can't go any further) and start crying and telling him I think I broke my ankle. 

He doesn't even get off the couch.

He looks at me. Lying on the floor in agony and actually laughs. Because he thinks it's so funny. After what felt to be an hour of me lying there I finally realized there was no chance in hell that he was going to get up and help me so I asked him to at least roll me my office chair. Managed to pull myself up into it with a substantial amount of pain and roll myself closer to him. 

He shrugs off my pain and starts watching a marathon of Locked Up Abroad. 

Which isn't even that good of a show. 

And he lets me sit there for 6 hours in agony until Siobhan can get off work and come get me to take me to the hospital. And it's not like he was ignorant of the pain. I can handle a lot of pain.. I have a lot of practice with all the injuries I've had and my fairly chronic joint pain. But I was in pain. I was so in pain that I was willing to go to the doctors. Now I am not someone who likes doctors. In fact I hate them. I would rather stay in bed with a 105 degree temperature than go to a doctor. I'd rather wait three days before going to a hospital to get my fractured wrist looked at. I'd rather take an advil than go see someone about the everyday pain I have. I don't like doctors. I don't like hospitals. I don't like them. 

So when I say that I need to go to the hospital it means it's serious. It means it's bad. It means I feel so horrible that I will put aside my extreme hatred of all things doctorly to get whatever's wrong fixed. 

It means I think I've broken my ankle. 

So I tell him I need to go and I need someone to take me (hint hint) and he doesn't move. Doesn't offer to help. Says he'd put me in a cab and let me go alone. 

Dear MugWug, if I can't get into a cab alone how the hell am I supposed to get out of it and into an ER alone?? Are you really this much of an uncaring fucktard of a human being? 

So I sit there. For six hours. In pain. 

He left to get lunch and gave so much lip when I asked him to pick me up something. I shouldn't be surprised. The boy wouldn't help me and my potentially broken ankle off the floor, why wouldn't he facilitate more pain through starvation? Clearly this is not someone who gives a shit about me. 

So the very wonderful, incredible, awesome, super powered Siobhan got off of work at 4:30 and came over. She helped me out the door, down the stairs, into a cab, out of a cab, into a wheelchair, into the ER and, even though she was cutting into her very sparse free time between her jobs, she sat with me for an hour and a half while the doctors took my stats and felt my leg and she kept my mind on things other than how much my ankle hurt. And even though she had to leave before I got discharged she waited until she knew I was okay, I was going to get crutches and until the last possible second. 

So I got x-rayed and poked and prodded and the doctors asked me all sorts of wonderfully awkward questions and then I got the results. 

No break but a very serious sprain with some torn ligaments. I was told that it was good that I came in since putting any pressure on it for the next 7 days would be detrimental and would stop it from healing properly. So I have to stay off the leg for 7 days. Then gentle and gradual increments of weight can be applied. And they gave me crutches, but anyone who's had crutches will tell you... they are not fun. So when I'm at home I use my office chair to get around. It's got wheels and goes quite speedily along so it's easier. Plus I can carry things in my arms while I roll around.

Pretty much I'm a genius. 

I'm saving the crutches for when I leave the apartment... which I haven't done yet because the stairs are really tricky and my foot is still too swollen to fit into any of my shoes. (except for my bright blue wilderness slippers which Siobahn and NP and vehemently told me they'd disown me if they ever caught me wearing them in public.) 

So I've been home. For 51 hours. And I still had people over for Sunday Family Dinner yesterday (even though it had to be delivery pizza instead of home cooked goodness) which was nice but now it's just me. Me and hours and hours of Grey's Anatomy. 

Oh.. and the asshole who couldn't help me off the floor. 

So it's really fun times. 

Really. Really. Fun times. 

xxKK

THE PLOT IS HATCHED

So let me tell you a little something about MugWug...

For  man who completely objectifies women (while hiding behind his holier-than-thou Jesus loving bullshit religion crap) he does not understand that women are not just there to be used but also have needs.

Sexual needs.

As in, orgasms.

Yes, I am saying that people NEED orgasms in their lives.

And just because I haven't had sex in a *ahem* loooooong time doesn't mean I'm not fully making my quota. I do not discriminate between the orgasm a man can give me and an orgasm gained through electric means.

Or in my case... battery powered.

Meet Senior Margarita.

He's my vibrator. He's pretty amazing. He never leaves the seat up or asks me to pay for dinner. He never forgets to return my phone calls yet he's never overbearing or needy. He doesn't snore or roll onto me in the middle of the night. He never forgets to clean up after himself and he only cares about what I want...

So pretty much he's better than any man.

MugWug is extremely uncomfortable with the idea of a woman having sex with the sole goal being an orgasm (he believes that is just for men... women should be sweet and innocent and want love and babies) So the idea of a woman buying hardware to please herself is just such a foreign idea...

It freaks him the fuck out.

He can talk for hours about how gross it is or how immoral or how, whatever negative word you want to pick, it is.

So when I told him that I recently acquired a battery powered love device he had a conniption fit and started to gag.

So tonight when he gets home from his lady friends house (lady friend being the girl he's wanted to have sex with since freshman year, not his actual girlfriend [and yes he has a girlfriend]) I plan on getting Senior Margarita out and totally going at it.

Now I doubt he'll be able to tell since I have my own room with a permanently locked door and Senior Margarita is extremely quiet and discrete but it will be happening regardless and the emotional toll it will take on him when one day I slip into conversation that I've been getting off 20 feet away from where he sleeps while he's been home with a rubber battery powered cock... well that will just be so rewarding.

I'm really not even sure what well get me off faster tonight... Senior Margarita or the taste of revenge.

Never cross Kitty... she has sharp claws.

Sorry MugWug... maybe if you were a smidge [read: at all] respectful to me or a semi decent roommate I wouldn't be plotting such cruel and graphic revenge.

Uh oh...I hear the front door opening. Time to get out the spare batteries.

xxKK

KITTY IS SAD/FRUSTRATED/PISSED THE FUCK OFF

And it's probably mostly my own fault.

I take on too many things sometimes.
I inflict myself with so much stress that it's a surprise that my blood pressure isn't higher (but it is already pretty high)

MugWug continues to reek havoc on my life.

Like yesterday when I left for the gym and told him I'd be back in an hour and a half and when I got back, an hour and a half later, he had decided to JUST get into the shower. Where he stayed for 40 minutes.

First of all, I don't take 40 minute showers and I have long hair to my ass.
Secondly, he's a gross boy creature... how can he care THAT much about getting clean
and Most Importantly... I NEEDED A SHOWER AFTER THE GYM. YOU KNOW I'M COMING HOME. It's not like I surprised you... I gave you a concrete timeline...

It's just frustrating.

And then today he drops the news on me that he hates all of my other friends (which is funny since a) he doesn't know most of my friends because he refuses to hang out with them and b) he's tried to get in the pants of 90% of the friends he has met)

And his friend hates me.

And that makes me seriously questions how much friend is left in our friendship. If we pick our friends because we have something in common with them/we relate to them/ we have fun with them then what does it say that he hates the people I choose to surround myself with?

It means he can't really like me all that much either...

And I've only met the friend who "hates me" twice before so if he has a negative impression of me it has to come from what MugWug has been saying...

Makes me really wonder about how my new roomie really feels about me.

In other news unrelated to MugWug but related to my misery my internet and cable have been out for 36 hours now which means that not only can I not distract myself with bad reality TV or Xbox Live but I have to travel to Starbucks (where I get hit on by the only man in the world who seems to want me - the creepy barrista) or all the way downtown to my school... even though I'm graduated.

Which is where I am now. It's 9:30pm and I'm sitting in the lobby of my ex-university alone in Summer. My life has reached an all time low. But I've been here working since 4pm so I think it might be time to pack it in and go home.... even if my roommate is there waiting....

So before the building guards start audibly judging me I'm going to go... I'll have to update you on PBA and Ninja another time.

xxKK

WARNING: DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS

So you all know MugWug under one fairly generic title: Best Friend.

Well he's about to get a new one... "Roommate"

Yeah... he moved in with me...

Now before anyone jumps to any conclusions, no, it's nothing past roommates. He sleeps in a nook in the living room and I lock my door every night. (Out of habit not because I'm worried he's going to break in and read my diary or anything scandalous)
He's only planning on staying a month or so and I do love hosting people. I am such a Mama Kat sometimes.

But here's the catch: despite loving to host and my inexplicable (and apparently unconditional) love for the kid, I DO NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS.

As in I like my space and routine and order.

Rearranging the living room to make room for his nook was emotionally scarring for me since I don't like change.

Here's an example of how neurotic I am about change... I will refuse to walk down a street, even if the sign says walk and that's the fastest route, if it isn't one of the two streets I use to get to the subway. And there are certain streets I'll only walk west on. And I always catch the subway car that stops in front of the broken telephone at 49th Street. And I arrange my couch cushions, not in an aestically pleasing pattern or format, but by color. I don't like trying new food. I will literally be reduced to tears of frustration if faced with a menu that doesn't contain something that I know I like.

I'm not very good at decisions so it's easier for me to just cut out the options.

Well... that being said... he moved in and now everything has changed.

He switches the shower from handheld to stationary every time he uses it (I'm short and the hand held is lower and has better water pressure) He uses an electric toothbrush which means there's this machine contraption on the sink, which is so not the neat empty way I like my sink. AND he refuses to hang his towel on the hook on the door, choosing instead to drape it over the shower, which doesn't even make logical sense since it dries quicker on the hook and it means I don't have to move it every time I want to shower.

AND THAT'S JUST THE BATHROOM.

Needless to say I have a lot to get used to and it's very jarring.

Tomorrow we're putting up a curtain around his nook so that at least the change and mess and differences from my real life and now can be contained and somewhat hidden.

I have to admit that sometimes it's nice to have him around. Tonight we had a nice little roommate moment in the kitchen. We made snacks and talked.

I feel like he and I stopped really talking to each other a long time ago so maybe this move is what our friendship needs to continue past college.

That, or it'll completely destroy it.

Meanwhile I'm going to use all this awkward nervous energy I have from having my schedule/routine change so drastically towards getting up early and hitting the gym every morning. Hopefully my legs won't fall off before I run out the uncomfortable feelings.

Regardless I'm going to need a few drugs to get through the next month.

I'm sleepy and have work to do so I'll sign off but I still have to update y'all on PBA and Ninja so don't let me forget. And hey, look at that, two posts in two nights. Maybe there's hope for this blog after all.

xxKK

NUNCHUK TO THE HEART

So ever since he roundhouse kicked his way back into my heart Ninja has been a ball of confusion.  We talked for two days straight for hours on end. We talked about what we've been up to, how scary/exciting graduation will be, what we're planning on doing after said graduation, his upcoming wedding to Tori, their potential offspring, whether we should have to give up our dreams for the people who are important to us. And then I grew some lady balls (but only because Siobhan made me) and I asked him why he had contacted me.

The answer was thoroughly underwhelming... He just noticed I was missing from his facebook and wanted to know why.

That's it.

No ground breaking love story. No desire to see what I was up to and if he still had a chance.  Just a random encounter and god given curiosity.

MugWug was right... Ninja doesn't still love me he's just a decent human being who was being nice.

But that doesn't stop me from dreaming. You see he never actually said that he loves his bride to be. He said that choosing between her and his dreams was extremely difficult because since she had been in his life so long she had become important to him. They've been together for almost 8 years and he can't say that he chose her because he loves her? I mean... he was willing to leave her for me after 4 years with her and 4 days with me. He told me he loved me before we'd ever even kissed.

This is a bad bad road I'm going down.

Mina and Coley, who have never been mentioned because we don't get into very much trouble together but who do know me well and spend far too much time with me, are happily plotting my breaking up of his engagement. They're convinced I should be actively pursuing him despite the ring he put on Tori. And boy am I tempted. But I'm not.

Partly because I want him to choose me without prompting. I don't want to break them up I just want to be there when they do break up....

I want him to be happy. Don't get me wrong.  I love him, still.. four years later I know I love him, but I love him so much that I want him to be happy even if it's not with me.  So, yes, I want him to leave her for me. But more importantly I want him to leave her because he doesn't seem to be happy... And if I'm wrong... if he really really is happy with her then I wish him all the best and I'll quietly dream of an alternative world where he says "I don't" and comes back to me.

Ugh let me stop thinking about this and go do some real work. The kind of work that is giving me a 24-7 headache and stealing all my sleeping time away from me.

xxKK

HOLY SHIT IT'S BEEN 2 MONTHS!

Holy shit!
How is it possible that two whole months have gone by without a blog posting?! Especially when that last post centered around public peeing.

Well I can actually answer that...

You see, when you spend your days in a whirlwind of get up, do makeup, make coffee, get to class, be productive, listen, take notes, go home, do homework, play xbox, try to work on the movie, try to finish writing my movie, get to sleep, actually sleep and wake up and do it again, it's pretty hard to then find time or motivation to log on and write some more.

And recently I've added go to the gym between take notes and go home and xbox is now xbox kinect so I'm fucking tired by the end of my day.

But don't get me wrong, despite the work and the ever-nagging presence of writing in my daily deeds I could still talk about myself for hours.  So really I need to somehow find time to fit this in so my poor friends can stop listening to me bitch all the time. 

Not that anyone but my friends read this blog but at least this way I can get it out in one posting and be done with the issue... yah... that'll totally work.

Well let me catch you up a bit.

School and work have me so stressed that I have a minor panic attack when my blackberry dies because I fear being out of contact during crucial moments (you don't want to see me when I think I've lost it)
Graduation is quickly descending upon me like a dark cloud of doom that threatens poverty and deportation.
MugWug and I are fighting. Well, fighting is the wrong word to use... we just don't talk. So we can't really fight if there's no talking.  Part of me wants to slap myself and say look at all the past drama, haven't you learned anything? It's probably not a big deal at all. And part of me thinks that going 17 days without talking to or seeing your 'best friend' isn't normal and there is something decidedly big dealish about it.
I desperately need a massage because of the tension knot growing in my neck.
I need some therapy because vodka and shoe shopping isn't cutting it anymore.
I probably need a doctor for my face tumor (more on that in a later post)
And I need a fucking facial because working out everyday has been clogging up my pores no matter how hard I exfoliate afterwards.
Oh and I need a tan because I look like a ghost.

"Men?", you ask.

Well... No.

No men. Which means no sex which means I definitely need that massage and gym time because I ain't getting no tension relief anywhere else...

I've got a flight in the morning so I bid you all adieu but I will try to fit 'write on KKC' somewhere into that schedule.  I'm sure it'll cut into my sleep time but I'm not very good at sleeping so it's pretty much a lost cause anyways.

Love you all.

xxKK

NOSEBLEEDS AND PUBLIC URINATION

SO tonight me and MugWug went out with a couple of his LaX buddies (that's a pretentious way to say Lacrosse.. get it? La- Cross = Lax.)

It was super fun and we drank and danced and despite this being the only day in my life where I didn't have make up in my purse I still had a good time despite not planning to go out...and therefore not being appropriately made up or dressed up.

First just me and MugWug went to get some Korean food... mmmmm my favorite fucking thing ever (seriously if you ever piss me off just take me for bibimbop and we'll be cool) and had dinner and  two glasses of water.

Then we go to see a movie (Kings Speech... if you haven't seen it, go. I loved it so hard we could have made a baby) and I had a soda.  Which, while being a "small", filled me up to the brim.

Then we decide to go to a bar to meet his friends.  Introductions and 1 heineken.

Then the bar sort of dies so we move to another... more introductions, run into an old friend and three Heinekens, 1 shot and a glass of water.

Do you see what's happening?

Lots of liquid and no bathroom breaks...

So at 4am... after being out for almost twelve hours I was in a cab on my way home and I was dyiiiiing.  I needed to pee so bad that 4 blocks from my apartment I almost asked the cabbie to pull over so I could pop a squat.

But this is not such a brilliant idea you see, because, I live off of Times fucking Square.  Just as I had made my mind up to not suffer and just stop and pee over a subway grate or in the corner between the wall and the entrance to Starbucks a fucking cop car went past me and I remembered that public urination was sort of a no-no here.

And then I have a little gander around and I notice TWELVE OTHER COP CARS.

Of course... this is Times Square after all.

And as an international member of society I really don't  need the cops taking an interest in my actions so.... I sucked it up and stayed in the car.

Got home and peed so hard I thought my bladder would fall out and just when I thought the worst was over I decided to make a snack of granola and blueberries and milk.  Mix in a bowl and bring to my room.

Go to take a bite and notice the milk is sort of pink... as I look closer.. drip drop, a little red dot appears in the milk.  Wipe my hand under my nose and lo and behold... a nose bleed.

Shocker.

So now I have vaseline up my nose (I hear it helps stop bleeding and keep passages moist) pink milk and  a tired body. I think I'll sleep now and pray that this vaseline works and I don't wake up in a pool of my own blood again.

Night kittens.
xxKK

KITTY KAT IS A SAD PUPPY

 So I woke up this morning with a cough like the rattle of death. 

After several hacks I texted my friend to let her know I would not be in class and went back to sleep for several hours. 

Woke up, hacked a lung. 

Went back to sleep

Woke up, hacked a lung, drank some tea and tried to sleep again but decided that since it was 5pm I should probably get dressed and get my butt to my 6pm rehearsal. 

Somewhere in the middle I had some wonderful dreams that pretty wonderful. 

And once awake I felt pretty much okay.  Other than the occasional booming chesty cough, I felt fine. 

Sounds like my day was going pretty decently right? 

Wrong. 

So. I'm in rehearsal. And the phone rings. But I miss the call... because I'm in rehearsal. And I always silence my phone in rehearsal. It rings again. Missed again. And then I get a text accusing me of sending the calls to voicemail.

Psycho.

Anyways I reassure my friend Belle that I'm not ignoring her I'm just busy (hey look at that, my life doesn't stop when you aren't in it, shocker) and let her know I should be out of rehearsal by 9 or 10.
So I ask her whats up (i.e. why are you calling me after us not talking for ages?) and she says she wanted to get dinner but now it's too late. (to be specific she said "Tooooo lateeeee")

Okay, fine.

So I ask what she's up to later (look at me, being all mature and trying to still hang out despite her accusing me of being a bad and neglecting friend and etc etc) and she tells me she's going to a movie with MugWug.

My MugWug.

The same MugWug who I haven't seen since I had that "heart to heart" 9 days ago.

The same MugWug who doesn't understand why I think that he's been slowly replacing me with Belle despite the fact that he hasn't talked to me about anything but work or school for quite some time but sees her every damn day.

Did I mention that Belle is the same girl who used to go on and on about how she didn't respect my friendship with MugWug and how she didn't think it would last because we met by chance and not based on any common thing.

The same Belle who tried to get with MugWug and then talked shit about him for ages.  The same Belle who made me pick sides between her and him (I took his)

But now he's taking hers.

But apparently he doesn't see why that hurts.

Anyways.  She tells me theyre going out so, after rehearsal due to the fact that I feel like death from my sickness rearing its ugly head, and shitty from my "best friend" not talking to me for a week but seeing her every night and going out and because I HAVE NO OTHER PLANS, I go home.

Sit at home feeling shitty for a while.

Bemoan to my ever understanding and wonderful friends Siobhan and Lizz and then

dundundunn

MugWug calls.

And it goes something like this:
MugWug: "What are you doing?"
Kitty:         "about to go to the grocery store" (for hot chocolate materials)
MW:         "Why'd you leave?!?!?!" (you might think my punctation is crazy but you should have heard him)
K:             "Leave? Leave where?" (genuine confusion)
M:             "Belle told me you had rehearsal"
K              " Yeah?"
M:             "Where?"
K:             "Downtown..."
M:            "Then why'd you leave" (he lives downtown, I live midtown)
K:             "I got out of rehearsal 3 hours ago...."
M:            "Belle said you would get out at 11" (which would still be an hour earlier fyi)
K:             "No I told her 9 or 10... I got out at 9"
Belle:       "She definitely told me 11" (me = rage that once again he's put me on speakerphone without telling me)
K:            "check your damn messages, I said 9 or 10"
M:            "Oh. well okay."

We talked a bit more but nothing of substance. No apology from him for excluding me from him night plans / acting mad that I didn't stay downtown when he never gave me reason to / believing Belle over me / not talking to me for ages / putting me on secret speakerphone / etc.

And now I'm like pissed at Belle because I can't be sure if she did it on purpose but she drove a wedge between us that didn't need to be there. Especially after she'd already pushed such a large wedge between us already. Like did she really think I didn't get out til 11? Probably not... we went to the same acting school for 3 years, she knows we don't have rehearsal any later than 10 any day... ever.

Whatever.  I'm trying not to be paranoid.
I'm trying not to be annoying and over react and turn this into a big deal.

But I can't help feeling like a tiny labrador puppy that's been kicked multiple times by the bitch her owner replaced her with and then put to the curb without a collar.

Kitty is a sad puppy.

I don't know.

I know this is partially the drugs talking and partially the deep psychological damage of many people abandoning me in my life and partially my need to be wanted but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Going into a nyquil induced coma now - hopefully something funny for you tomorrow.

xxKK

WISHFUL THINKING

So tonight MugWug and I had a little heart to heart.

You see, as little as I've been talking to you guys lately, I've been talking to him even less.

And it's not like a heehee I don't want to talk to you little child thing. I just... sort of shut down.  Because, you might remember my previous post, I was sort of feeling replaced. No one wants to feel like they're second rate.

Well it started with a little feeling of being rejected and then snowballed.  My feeling like an unwanted friend made me back off. Me backing off made him move further from me. etc, etc. It's a vicious circle.

So we had a heart to heart tonight.

Or should I say, I was lured to his apartment under the pretense of work and then ambushed with emotional napalm.

I don't do well with conflict.  I don't do well with surprised either.

But I managed to neither run away or punch anyone.

And the talk, albeit the most uncomfortable in a long time, was good. It clears the air and brings up things that no one really talks about.  If you let the little things pile up then before you know it you have one massive thing that you can't really identify because it's made up of all these tiny insignificant particles.

So the talk was good. (Hear me MugWug? You did good.)

But.
(And of course there is a but)
Now I wonder where we go. It's been 5 weeks of slowly drifting apart, unconscientiously and conscientiously, and one conversation doesn't nullify that. How do we get back to 5 weeks ago? How do we go back to 100% trust and unconditional love?

How do I let go of the issues?

I wish we could just say "here is the problem, I see the problem, there is no more problem, everything is fine now"

but you can't.

I wish I could magically be nicer or better or more accommodating or less abrasive or less jealous/anxious/angry/frustrated and I wish I could snap my fingers and make that all true.

But I'm not going to change overnight.

And it's not all my fault.

But other people can't change overnight either.

And I need to not expect unrealistic changes over night but yet I do want everything to be fine again.

Ugh. I just want to time travel back and fix this before it was an issue.

That's it. No more wishful thinking for the night. Off to bed with Kitty.
xxKK.

SERIOUS SHAMBLES

I've been having a bit of trouble keeping this thing up to date lately, my apologies.  I know it's such a common excuse but honestly once school starts up there's an avalanche of stress and before I know it I'm freaking out over being 10 minutes late and crying over my quiz next tuesday.  I feel like I don't even have that much work and I'm probably stressing myself out way more than I need to but I just don't have enough hours in the day.

Although if I cut out all the worrying I would probably have more time to do the things I'm worried about.

Ugh. Logic.

This is sort of why I've become addicted to twitter.  It's much easier because I don't have to sit down and type out a whole post I can just do it on the go.  And most of the time it's just the same bite sized nuggets of worry, stress and bitching that I'm already doing.  So if you're missing your daily kitty, get on twitter.

I'm going to make a conscious effort to try to update at least bi weekly (I figure one mid week and one post weekend should cover all the drama) on here and then daily bits of insanity can be found on the twitter.

My life has sort of gone from super perfect to quickly disintegrating quite rapidly over the last few weeks.  When I first got back to the city I had this great apartment and I had time to chill and see my friends and be happy.  Now suddenly I have class and homework and the house is getting messier and messier and I'm sleeping so much and fighting with my friends over ridiculous things and when I get home instead of cleaning or doing homework I just end up sitting on the floor watching reruns of Law & Order: SVU that I've already seen 40 times before just because I'm too tired to work or clean.

Speaking of fighting.  MugWug and I have been getting into it quite a lot recently.  We've always teased each other and played with how far is too far but lately, and I admit it's mostly me, I find us saying things that aren't funny at all.  Like some seriously malicious shit.  And it just feels like as my house gets messier and my homework pile gets bigger we fight more and then I definitely don't want to work or clean because I'm angry and would rather lie in bed all day and night brooding.

I don't know.  I don't know if my life is going to shambles because I'm losing my best friend or if I'm losing my best friend because my life is going to shambles but both of them seem to be happening.

There's a Huskers game this Saturday (go check out KKC II to figure out what the hell I'm talking about)  which I was supposed to go to with MugWug but maybe instead I'll maintain radio silence and spend the weekend trying to figure out what then hell is going on with myself.

Ugh.  Being an adult is so complicated.

I just want someone to take care of me.

I pride myself on being so strong and independent but everyone needs someone at some point.

Well... that's about it.  I'm going to wash my sheets and fold some laundry and try to put my life back together.  Sorry this wasn't the usual witty-fest but sometimes a Kat needs to put her serious thoughts down too.  Some adventures/hilarity to ensue soon, I pinkie promise.

Stay good.

xxKK

KITTY IS GOING ON VACATION...

...to what might possibly be the seventh circle of hell...

yes, that is right, I am going to L.A.

city of angels my ass....

I was genuinely excited to go to LA because I get to see MugWug for the first time in over a month and spend some much needed girl time with Liz (plus theres the shopping and the airport time... I love airports...) but now that I'm sitting at the gate and seeing the sort of people that I'll be encountering....

Kitty is scared.

I travel in comfortable clothes... all black, leggings, slouchy top and easy slip on vans. It makes getting through security easy and sitting on planes for several hours almost pleasant.

Apparently comfort is not a priority to the locals though... There are people wearing head to toe white... and glitter... and bedazzled shoes...

And there is a man in a pink shirt and a white blazer... its like I fell into a miami vice-gold digger hybrid. And I don't like it.

A rat just popped out of a backpack... by rat I mean an albino little fucker of the chuiaua species. I swear to god if I hear one yip or yap or rapataptap out of that dog I will smack its unholy abomination of a head so hard that it will jump out the window and take its chances with an unparachuted jump from 40,000 feet up.

Rat.

The flight begins and a small child pops up with a bedazzled iPhone and she insists on calling her nanny to say she's on the plane. I might actually vomit.

Now they're playing the Last Song.

Kill me now.. lemme break this down for you... a girl from New York, who sounds like a man from texas, moves to Georgia for a summer with her father. She's grumpy and hates everything. She gave up everything she ever loved because shes sooo dark nd twisty and damaged. Then a boy steals her heart and suddenly she wants to "sing" and be fun again. Oh emm gee boys make like everything like totally better! *gag* This movie isnt over yet but I predict a stupid twist of "you lied to me I hate everything about you and now I hate life again" and then a "oh I forgive you and now everything is better" ending.

Sweet Lord Baby Jesus, save me.

In an interesting LA flight twist though, I have now met MugWugs doppleganger... like not even kidding, he's got his jawline, height, body, fshion sense and even his hair! (now if you ever met MugWug you would understand that the hair is a big deal... he spends so much time on it.. and it's this very particular color and shaped very specifically... god forbid his hair isn't right at any point in time) Anyways... the only thing thats different about this guy is he has totally different eyes and his smile is much more goofy than MugWug... which is hard to do...

Oh wow... the "you lied to me" twist of Last Song just happened and it wasn't even a whole minute between that and the "my brother died so I get to be an asshole and sensitive at the same time...ooh im such a dark and twisty boy" twist.

Okay I'm off to continue judging my flightmates. Because this opertunity may never come around again.. (one can only hope).. and there are only so many straw fedoras and fake glasses that I can take before busting out the serious judgement.

The one promising thing about this flight? The guy in front of me is reading a movie script. Like a real live movie script... I'm writing a script currently and it's nice to be reminded that one day someone might be reading mine.. and then hopefully all y'all will be watching them on a big screen.

Lots of love,

Mama Kat.