SO ABOUT HOW I'M HATABLE....

So since I've been back I've been working at rekindling my friendships with various hometown buddies.

Getting my girlfriends back, my tan back, my drink back and my boys back.

Including Ninja. Because despite all the twisty turn-y angst that that boy has caused my soul I still consider him a good friend. Like at the heart of the issue all I want is for him to be happy. Happy with his wife, as painful as that may some times be, is still happy. So I support that. And I support him. Isn't that enough? 

Well so far it seemed to be going pretty good. We've been texting - back to the usual sarcastic banter etc. 

So then I run into him on friday night after I'd had a few drinks. And when I drink I'm friendly. And he and I are friends so I was friendly. 

But not like... overly. Just friendly. 

And I'm dancing with his friends and joking with everyone and having an awesome time and he's joking with me and gives me hugs and playfully pinching me and it's just a fun night. And I leave pretty early and everything seems great. I didn't flirt, I didn't do anything inappropriate. I just had an awesome night with one of my best friends. 

So cut to a week later - why is it that when I run into him and Tori at a street fair he doesn't even stop to speak? Like.. I say hello and slow down and he just keeps walking.

She didn't even acknowledge that I was there.

Like... what the hell? 

We're either friends or we aren't and if we aren't then lets just stop. Because I can't do this shit. I honestly can't. I'm so sick of being someones secret. 

First it was Ninja, then Main Squeeze, then I dunno... every fucking boy I've ever been with. 

This sucks. 

And then I come home and bemoan my woes to Marie and she pretty much makes it clear that despite my good intentions (my words, not hers) I'm still wrong. 

Because at the end of the day Ninja is married. And I'm just a blimp from his past. And Tori has a reason to hate me. I'm hatable. There is someone who actively hates me.

And I deserve it. 

According to Marie if I were any kind of decent I would just walk away from Ninja and never look back. No more texting, no more talking, no more hanging out. Just get rid of the friendship. But I'm clearly not decent. I'm clearly a shitty fucking hatable person. 

She's right. I should just resign myself to the fact that even if all I want is for him to be happy that I'm still the adulterous cunt in this situation. I've fucked up too much. I'm a fuck up. 

Ugh I didn't mean for this to turn into a pity party. Just makes me sad. Because I'm either a bitch and friends with him or sad without him. 

Off to bed. 

xxKK

KITTY IS SAD/FRUSTRATED/PISSED THE FUCK OFF

And it's probably mostly my own fault.

I take on too many things sometimes.
I inflict myself with so much stress that it's a surprise that my blood pressure isn't higher (but it is already pretty high)

MugWug continues to reek havoc on my life.

Like yesterday when I left for the gym and told him I'd be back in an hour and a half and when I got back, an hour and a half later, he had decided to JUST get into the shower. Where he stayed for 40 minutes.

First of all, I don't take 40 minute showers and I have long hair to my ass.
Secondly, he's a gross boy creature... how can he care THAT much about getting clean
and Most Importantly... I NEEDED A SHOWER AFTER THE GYM. YOU KNOW I'M COMING HOME. It's not like I surprised you... I gave you a concrete timeline...

It's just frustrating.

And then today he drops the news on me that he hates all of my other friends (which is funny since a) he doesn't know most of my friends because he refuses to hang out with them and b) he's tried to get in the pants of 90% of the friends he has met)

And his friend hates me.

And that makes me seriously questions how much friend is left in our friendship. If we pick our friends because we have something in common with them/we relate to them/ we have fun with them then what does it say that he hates the people I choose to surround myself with?

It means he can't really like me all that much either...

And I've only met the friend who "hates me" twice before so if he has a negative impression of me it has to come from what MugWug has been saying...

Makes me really wonder about how my new roomie really feels about me.

In other news unrelated to MugWug but related to my misery my internet and cable have been out for 36 hours now which means that not only can I not distract myself with bad reality TV or Xbox Live but I have to travel to Starbucks (where I get hit on by the only man in the world who seems to want me - the creepy barrista) or all the way downtown to my school... even though I'm graduated.

Which is where I am now. It's 9:30pm and I'm sitting in the lobby of my ex-university alone in Summer. My life has reached an all time low. But I've been here working since 4pm so I think it might be time to pack it in and go home.... even if my roommate is there waiting....

So before the building guards start audibly judging me I'm going to go... I'll have to update you on PBA and Ninja another time.

xxKK

KITTY KAT IS A SAD PUPPY

 So I woke up this morning with a cough like the rattle of death. 

After several hacks I texted my friend to let her know I would not be in class and went back to sleep for several hours. 

Woke up, hacked a lung. 

Went back to sleep

Woke up, hacked a lung, drank some tea and tried to sleep again but decided that since it was 5pm I should probably get dressed and get my butt to my 6pm rehearsal. 

Somewhere in the middle I had some wonderful dreams that pretty wonderful. 

And once awake I felt pretty much okay.  Other than the occasional booming chesty cough, I felt fine. 

Sounds like my day was going pretty decently right? 

Wrong. 

So. I'm in rehearsal. And the phone rings. But I miss the call... because I'm in rehearsal. And I always silence my phone in rehearsal. It rings again. Missed again. And then I get a text accusing me of sending the calls to voicemail.

Psycho.

Anyways I reassure my friend Belle that I'm not ignoring her I'm just busy (hey look at that, my life doesn't stop when you aren't in it, shocker) and let her know I should be out of rehearsal by 9 or 10.
So I ask her whats up (i.e. why are you calling me after us not talking for ages?) and she says she wanted to get dinner but now it's too late. (to be specific she said "Tooooo lateeeee")

Okay, fine.

So I ask what she's up to later (look at me, being all mature and trying to still hang out despite her accusing me of being a bad and neglecting friend and etc etc) and she tells me she's going to a movie with MugWug.

My MugWug.

The same MugWug who I haven't seen since I had that "heart to heart" 9 days ago.

The same MugWug who doesn't understand why I think that he's been slowly replacing me with Belle despite the fact that he hasn't talked to me about anything but work or school for quite some time but sees her every damn day.

Did I mention that Belle is the same girl who used to go on and on about how she didn't respect my friendship with MugWug and how she didn't think it would last because we met by chance and not based on any common thing.

The same Belle who tried to get with MugWug and then talked shit about him for ages.  The same Belle who made me pick sides between her and him (I took his)

But now he's taking hers.

But apparently he doesn't see why that hurts.

Anyways.  She tells me theyre going out so, after rehearsal due to the fact that I feel like death from my sickness rearing its ugly head, and shitty from my "best friend" not talking to me for a week but seeing her every night and going out and because I HAVE NO OTHER PLANS, I go home.

Sit at home feeling shitty for a while.

Bemoan to my ever understanding and wonderful friends Siobhan and Lizz and then

dundundunn

MugWug calls.

And it goes something like this:
MugWug: "What are you doing?"
Kitty:         "about to go to the grocery store" (for hot chocolate materials)
MW:         "Why'd you leave?!?!?!" (you might think my punctation is crazy but you should have heard him)
K:             "Leave? Leave where?" (genuine confusion)
M:             "Belle told me you had rehearsal"
K              " Yeah?"
M:             "Where?"
K:             "Downtown..."
M:            "Then why'd you leave" (he lives downtown, I live midtown)
K:             "I got out of rehearsal 3 hours ago...."
M:            "Belle said you would get out at 11" (which would still be an hour earlier fyi)
K:             "No I told her 9 or 10... I got out at 9"
Belle:       "She definitely told me 11" (me = rage that once again he's put me on speakerphone without telling me)
K:            "check your damn messages, I said 9 or 10"
M:            "Oh. well okay."

We talked a bit more but nothing of substance. No apology from him for excluding me from him night plans / acting mad that I didn't stay downtown when he never gave me reason to / believing Belle over me / not talking to me for ages / putting me on secret speakerphone / etc.

And now I'm like pissed at Belle because I can't be sure if she did it on purpose but she drove a wedge between us that didn't need to be there. Especially after she'd already pushed such a large wedge between us already. Like did she really think I didn't get out til 11? Probably not... we went to the same acting school for 3 years, she knows we don't have rehearsal any later than 10 any day... ever.

Whatever.  I'm trying not to be paranoid.
I'm trying not to be annoying and over react and turn this into a big deal.

But I can't help feeling like a tiny labrador puppy that's been kicked multiple times by the bitch her owner replaced her with and then put to the curb without a collar.

Kitty is a sad puppy.

I don't know.

I know this is partially the drugs talking and partially the deep psychological damage of many people abandoning me in my life and partially my need to be wanted but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Going into a nyquil induced coma now - hopefully something funny for you tomorrow.

xxKK

WISHFUL THINKING

So tonight MugWug and I had a little heart to heart.

You see, as little as I've been talking to you guys lately, I've been talking to him even less.

And it's not like a heehee I don't want to talk to you little child thing. I just... sort of shut down.  Because, you might remember my previous post, I was sort of feeling replaced. No one wants to feel like they're second rate.

Well it started with a little feeling of being rejected and then snowballed.  My feeling like an unwanted friend made me back off. Me backing off made him move further from me. etc, etc. It's a vicious circle.

So we had a heart to heart tonight.

Or should I say, I was lured to his apartment under the pretense of work and then ambushed with emotional napalm.

I don't do well with conflict.  I don't do well with surprised either.

But I managed to neither run away or punch anyone.

And the talk, albeit the most uncomfortable in a long time, was good. It clears the air and brings up things that no one really talks about.  If you let the little things pile up then before you know it you have one massive thing that you can't really identify because it's made up of all these tiny insignificant particles.

So the talk was good. (Hear me MugWug? You did good.)

But.
(And of course there is a but)
Now I wonder where we go. It's been 5 weeks of slowly drifting apart, unconscientiously and conscientiously, and one conversation doesn't nullify that. How do we get back to 5 weeks ago? How do we go back to 100% trust and unconditional love?

How do I let go of the issues?

I wish we could just say "here is the problem, I see the problem, there is no more problem, everything is fine now"

but you can't.

I wish I could magically be nicer or better or more accommodating or less abrasive or less jealous/anxious/angry/frustrated and I wish I could snap my fingers and make that all true.

But I'm not going to change overnight.

And it's not all my fault.

But other people can't change overnight either.

And I need to not expect unrealistic changes over night but yet I do want everything to be fine again.

Ugh. I just want to time travel back and fix this before it was an issue.

That's it. No more wishful thinking for the night. Off to bed with Kitty.
xxKK.