SO ABOUT HOW I'M HATABLE....

So since I've been back I've been working at rekindling my friendships with various hometown buddies.

Getting my girlfriends back, my tan back, my drink back and my boys back.

Including Ninja. Because despite all the twisty turn-y angst that that boy has caused my soul I still consider him a good friend. Like at the heart of the issue all I want is for him to be happy. Happy with his wife, as painful as that may some times be, is still happy. So I support that. And I support him. Isn't that enough? 

Well so far it seemed to be going pretty good. We've been texting - back to the usual sarcastic banter etc. 

So then I run into him on friday night after I'd had a few drinks. And when I drink I'm friendly. And he and I are friends so I was friendly. 

But not like... overly. Just friendly. 

And I'm dancing with his friends and joking with everyone and having an awesome time and he's joking with me and gives me hugs and playfully pinching me and it's just a fun night. And I leave pretty early and everything seems great. I didn't flirt, I didn't do anything inappropriate. I just had an awesome night with one of my best friends. 

So cut to a week later - why is it that when I run into him and Tori at a street fair he doesn't even stop to speak? Like.. I say hello and slow down and he just keeps walking.

She didn't even acknowledge that I was there.

Like... what the hell? 

We're either friends or we aren't and if we aren't then lets just stop. Because I can't do this shit. I honestly can't. I'm so sick of being someones secret. 

First it was Ninja, then Main Squeeze, then I dunno... every fucking boy I've ever been with. 

This sucks. 

And then I come home and bemoan my woes to Marie and she pretty much makes it clear that despite my good intentions (my words, not hers) I'm still wrong. 

Because at the end of the day Ninja is married. And I'm just a blimp from his past. And Tori has a reason to hate me. I'm hatable. There is someone who actively hates me.

And I deserve it. 

According to Marie if I were any kind of decent I would just walk away from Ninja and never look back. No more texting, no more talking, no more hanging out. Just get rid of the friendship. But I'm clearly not decent. I'm clearly a shitty fucking hatable person. 

She's right. I should just resign myself to the fact that even if all I want is for him to be happy that I'm still the adulterous cunt in this situation. I've fucked up too much. I'm a fuck up. 

Ugh I didn't mean for this to turn into a pity party. Just makes me sad. Because I'm either a bitch and friends with him or sad without him. 

Off to bed. 

xxKK

WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GOOD?

The last time we spoke I was all ooh yay! happy shiny bright and a motherfucking sunshine out my ass.

Clearly... this is not the case today.

And it's not that I've given up on the life of positivity that I had planned out it's just that it's like the whole world is on my ass today.

Okay that's over dramatic.

But I've had a stressful few days at work due to so many phone calls and trying to make big girl decisions and being trusted to make said decisions despite the fact that I'm only 22 freaking years old and I'm kinnnnd of freaking out about this whole thing.

So as my new work friends and Liz can attest... I've been a little.. moody/bitchy/sad/stressed/angry/snacky/snarky/just plain mean... for the past 3 days.

This was not helped by the drama of family and friends.

Or the fact that it's been a year since I spent time with Marie and I miss the shit out of her.

Or the fact that I feel like I don't get enough sleep and when I do sleep I wake up sore. Or the...

...you get the point...

And then on top of it all for the second day in a row Will pops up on facebook just to say hi. ]
Like... says hi, asks what's up and then... nothing. Like... you avoiding having to see or really talk to me while I was home, you didn't answer my texts and you blow me off all the time. And then you want to just say hi? Like go away... be my friend or don't be my friend. And those are the only options now because honestly I'm not interested in playing the "I have a girlfriend but I want to flirt with you" game anymore. I've played it too much. I'm a goddamn master at it. It's not fun anymore.

Ugh maybe I'm just bitchy.. maybe I shouldn't be allowed to have nice people, who just say hi because they want to, in my life.
Maybe I need a drink. Or just some sleep.

Maybe this is just a rush of messy emotions and feelings because my period is just around the riverbend. I mean... I cried during Jersey Shore tonight.. clearly something is not right with me.

Alright... I have a super busy day tomorrow so I'm gonna get some shut eye but I hope you're all out there sending me some good juju so I can get outta the funk and back onto my annoyingly positive horse.

xxKK

STARTING THE YEAR OUT RIGHT

So in 2010 I wrote 73 blog posts.
In 2011 I wrote 37.
Instead of reversing the numbers this year I think I should aim to just add them together. Lets aim for 110 blog posts! After all... without a regular update (like the past few months) y'all might just forget about me. We obviously can't let that happen.

So far it looks like this year will be just as equally disappointing and dramatic as before.

Last year I ended my new year eve shoeless, boyless and classless. Just envision a hot mess in lace with mascara dripping off her face.
Dat wuz me.

This year I manages not to lose my shoes or dignity (completely) and I didn't cry.

Still boyless though.

Although.

Sort of. In the most depressing way.

You see. Last night I was approached by THREE separate men.
They went on about how sexy I am, how much fun I am, how they wish they could be with me, how it sucks that I'm only home a few weeks a year, etc etc.

Sounds nice, right?

WRONG.

All of these guys have girlfriends.
All of them.
So all of their "you're so sexy" came with a "but.... I'm dating someone"

Like, really??
What was the point of this?
Like why bother telling me all of these things if you can't deliver.
Like this lady doesn't run on would-of, could-of, should-of's.

The first one was sort of sweet in a misguided drunkery way.

Then came numero dos... who decided that after he showered me with compliments and what-ifs that he would then bemoan having a girlfriend... because he loves her, he truly does, but he just wishes that you and him could have your shot.
Oh! But wait! He has a great idea! "We" should convince his girlfriend to let us ALL hook up and have fun together!

Yah. That's not happening buddy.

But my all time favorite was the third one. Who pretty much rehashed everything from the second guy and THEN went on to try to pump me up. "Oh you're going to find a guy who sees you like I do. Someone who deserves you/appreciates you/etc etc." Like... a 20 minute fucking love pep talk.

Ugh things I don't want to hear when I'm drunk and lonely.

Like, I realize that one day I'll find someone but that doesn't help me right now... that doesn't help with my problem of getting involved in douchebags who are definitely short term.

Urg. Anyways I'd flush this out with more snark but frankly I'm tired and I'm rushing to get this posted before it is no longer the first day of 2012.

Now I'm off to clear out the glitter covered golden seahorse that I found in my purse last night.

xxKK