After the whole MainSqueeze thing blew up in my face I vowed that I would never again let my heart live in my vagina.
I admit I've had some set backs in the whole heart in the crotch department. I've grown attached to some of my men over the years but nothing as delusional as that first real man-stake with MainSqueeze.
Now I'd like to say that it's been a wonderful world of detached sex but it's had its ups and downs. I mean on one hand you're already playing the chance game of one night stands but then you also have the bedroom politics. Some men don't like a woman who plays the emotionless sex game. God forbid you scream their names at night then leave without a kiss goodbye in the morning.
But if you ask for a number then you're needy.
Oh sweet jesus let me just bask in the hypocrisy that is men.
I'm getting off track. Where were we? Oh yes, detached sex and not letting my chatch rule my heart.
Sometimes it gets lonely. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to and tell them how my day went. Some days I wake up and wish that I had more to look forward to with my partner than a morning orgasm.
Other days I just want the orgasm.
See, I'm not completely heartless. I do want to find a boyfriend. Hell I'd even like to find a husband before I reach 30. But I'm also aware that pining over one night stands and secret bad boy flings doesn't get me anywhere closer to that pipe dream.
It is brutally obvious that when I'm only in town for 2 weeks, the guy I take home from the bar won't be my soulmate. Hell, even when I'm in town for 2 years that guy still probably isn't the one I want to spend rainy sunday mornings with.
So why, WHY DEAR GOD, am I starting to harbor feelings for a fling?
It's not even a plausible one. It's not like I'm in love with Mr. FancyPants Sebastian and his high school diploma, who at least lives in the same country as me. Nope. I've gone and developed wibbly girly feelings for a guy that lives a world away. I dunno if I should even say which of my escapades I'm referring to because it's just so implausible.
We have nothing in common, we barely ever talk and it's doubtful we'll ever be in the same location for very long.
Yet here I am, sitting up at night, thinking about him.
Someone shoot me, I think I have a crush.
It's just... despite not having anything in common with him and barely ever talking he is the guy that I want to spent rainy sunday mornings with. I think we'd be happy spending a night together where all of our clothes stay on. I believe he'd find my love of water gun fights endearing and sexy.
My day dreams often involve water gun fights.
None of this changes that it's ridiculous and stupid and could never work.
Also this doesn't take into account that, while I do think he enjoyed screwing me, I have no idea if he even sees me like that. I gotta figure out a way to shake this.
No, the answer is not to get over him by getting under someone else. I've already done that. It doesn't work. So if you have any useful advice for me, please send it my way. Because I feel like a right idiot.
Stoopid Vagina
xxKK
Showing posts with label Love Problems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love Problems. Show all posts
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
SO ABOUT HOW I'M HATABLE....
So since I've been back I've been working at rekindling my friendships with various hometown buddies.
Getting my girlfriends back, my tan back, my drink back and my boys back.
Including Ninja. Because despite all the twisty turn-y angst that that boy has caused my soul I still consider him a good friend. Like at the heart of the issue all I want is for him to be happy. Happy with his wife, as painful as that may some times be, is still happy. So I support that. And I support him. Isn't that enough?
Well so far it seemed to be going pretty good. We've been texting - back to the usual sarcastic banter etc.
So then I run into him on friday night after I'd had a few drinks. And when I drink I'm friendly. And he and I are friends so I was friendly.
But not like... overly. Just friendly.
And I'm dancing with his friends and joking with everyone and having an awesome time and he's joking with me and gives me hugs and playfully pinching me and it's just a fun night. And I leave pretty early and everything seems great. I didn't flirt, I didn't do anything inappropriate. I just had an awesome night with one of my best friends.
So cut to a week later - why is it that when I run into him and Tori at a street fair he doesn't even stop to speak? Like.. I say hello and slow down and he just keeps walking.
She didn't even acknowledge that I was there.
Like... what the hell?
We're either friends or we aren't and if we aren't then lets just stop. Because I can't do this shit. I honestly can't. I'm so sick of being someones secret.
First it was Ninja, then Main Squeeze, then I dunno... every fucking boy I've ever been with.
This sucks.
And then I come home and bemoan my woes to Marie and she pretty much makes it clear that despite my good intentions (my words, not hers) I'm still wrong.
Because at the end of the day Ninja is married. And I'm just a blimp from his past. And Tori has a reason to hate me. I'm hatable. There is someone who actively hates me.
And I deserve it.
According to Marie if I were any kind of decent I would just walk away from Ninja and never look back. No more texting, no more talking, no more hanging out. Just get rid of the friendship. But I'm clearly not decent. I'm clearly a shitty fucking hatable person.
She's right. I should just resign myself to the fact that even if all I want is for him to be happy that I'm still the adulterous cunt in this situation. I've fucked up too much. I'm a fuck up.
Ugh I didn't mean for this to turn into a pity party. Just makes me sad. Because I'm either a bitch and friends with him or sad without him.
Off to bed.
xxKK
Monday, April 2, 2012
WEEKEND GETAWAY / THE POST-SEX BREAKDOWN THAT WAS
I promise that I will tell you the rest of the Niko story soon but if I try to write this blog in a strictly chronological order then it may never get told. Lets face it. I have the attention span of a goldfish.
Anyways. I came home this weekend. Not for any particular reason, just because my father offered to pay for it and who am I to turn down free airfare? And I'm so used to coming home and raging my face off and seeing a million different people and sleeping with a little less than a million people and just having an awesome me-centered time.
Well, I didn't really tell anyone I was coming home and then I got back and expected to be like "surprise! love me!" but instead it was sort of lame. Like I still raged my face off. But it wasn't what I expected. I spent my first 7 hours at home lying on my bed and singing along to Josh Groban. Finally got to dinner with a friend... one drink turned into 5 and then the night really began. Hit a pre-drink where a rousing game of Never Have I Ever revealed to everyone that there is very little I've never done. 2 bottles of vodka later we roll into town and it's like... dead.
That doesn't stop us from grabbing some drinks and some shots and moving to another bar where it isn't so dead. And I'm wasted and smiley and everything is good when I see one of my guy friends who does know I'm home. I see he's with a little group of our friends so I run over and give him a huge hug and when I step back I see the 4th person in the group.
Ninja.
Who then asks me where his hug is.
So I give it to him but I feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer. Like... he's never out. Ever. I didn't expect this. So a bit of my drunk slips away.
Can't let that happen.
More shots, more drinks, double fisting. All the way, baby.
So at this point I'm sort of toying with the line between fun drunk and emotional drunk. And Ninja, being the wonderful man he can be asks whats wrong and is being so nice and I find out that the earlier upset we had was pretty much all in my head. That he didn't realize how upset I was. That I'm basically a big baby. So that's good. And we're good. It's all good. And then his wife pops up.
Death.
5 mins later he's grinding up on her and I'm sucking back my drink and someone else's as well.
This inevitably leads to me telling crying in public and telling two people who don't even know me that well that I'm in love with Ninja. Mortifying. One can only hope they were as drunk as me and forget. So I cry. Drink. Cry more. Then start my journey home. Which is where I run into the guy I hugged before (and thus he shall be called Ken) And Ken wants to hang out. SO we are going to go back to his place but our ride is really wasted so we walked to a nearby house instead. As soon as the tenants of the house go to bed I fuck Ken on the living room floor.
By fuck I mean we tried but being as intoxicated as we were it was more of an awkward messy bump'n'grind.
Wake up fully dressed next to a naked Ken a few hours later. I'm fucking freezing, I can't believe I've slept with him and I'm about on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Ken wakes up and is sober enough to go grab his bike to drive us home. The whole way I'm blabbering like an idiot and I can't tell if its the breakdown or if I'm still drunk or if maybe I'm just a fucking crazy person.
He drops me at home and I am literally acting like a fucking nutbag. I'm all "I hope you still respect me, I hope I'm not pregnant, please don't tell anyone, are you ashamed of me??" and Ken's laughter is slowly turning from haha (you're funny) to haha (you might kill me in a minute)
Got home. Cried for an hour. Sent overly dramatic facebook messages to Lizz and Shiv. Finally get to sleep at 8am. Wake up at 10 am, FUCK NO. Wake up at 12 and finally shower off all the vodka and scrub off the smell of condoms.
Honestly.. those fucking things like permeate your skin. I swear I thought my dad was going to be able to smell the sex on me.
I calm down a little bit.
See... I wasn't really upset about having sex with Ken. Let's be honest, I've made worse decisions before. But I just never thought of him that way and I was so upset about Ninja, to then go fuck his friend. Ugh. He's never going to love me if I keep being such a giant whore.
Not that he'd love me regardless.
But still.
I don't think I was emotionally stable for sex with someone that I didn't have that sort of relationship with. On one hand I was like haha I don't need Ninja I can get anyone to have sex with me! And on the other hand it was like.... Omg... I'll have sex with anyone...
Arg oh well.
PBA helped me get over it the next night.
But lets save that tidbit of gossip for another time ;)...
xxKK
Anyways. I came home this weekend. Not for any particular reason, just because my father offered to pay for it and who am I to turn down free airfare? And I'm so used to coming home and raging my face off and seeing a million different people and sleeping with a little less than a million people and just having an awesome me-centered time.
Well, I didn't really tell anyone I was coming home and then I got back and expected to be like "surprise! love me!" but instead it was sort of lame. Like I still raged my face off. But it wasn't what I expected. I spent my first 7 hours at home lying on my bed and singing along to Josh Groban. Finally got to dinner with a friend... one drink turned into 5 and then the night really began. Hit a pre-drink where a rousing game of Never Have I Ever revealed to everyone that there is very little I've never done. 2 bottles of vodka later we roll into town and it's like... dead.
That doesn't stop us from grabbing some drinks and some shots and moving to another bar where it isn't so dead. And I'm wasted and smiley and everything is good when I see one of my guy friends who does know I'm home. I see he's with a little group of our friends so I run over and give him a huge hug and when I step back I see the 4th person in the group.
Ninja.
Who then asks me where his hug is.
So I give it to him but I feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer. Like... he's never out. Ever. I didn't expect this. So a bit of my drunk slips away.
Can't let that happen.
More shots, more drinks, double fisting. All the way, baby.
So at this point I'm sort of toying with the line between fun drunk and emotional drunk. And Ninja, being the wonderful man he can be asks whats wrong and is being so nice and I find out that the earlier upset we had was pretty much all in my head. That he didn't realize how upset I was. That I'm basically a big baby. So that's good. And we're good. It's all good. And then his wife pops up.
Death.
5 mins later he's grinding up on her and I'm sucking back my drink and someone else's as well.
This inevitably leads to me telling crying in public and telling two people who don't even know me that well that I'm in love with Ninja. Mortifying. One can only hope they were as drunk as me and forget. So I cry. Drink. Cry more. Then start my journey home. Which is where I run into the guy I hugged before (and thus he shall be called Ken) And Ken wants to hang out. SO we are going to go back to his place but our ride is really wasted so we walked to a nearby house instead. As soon as the tenants of the house go to bed I fuck Ken on the living room floor.
By fuck I mean we tried but being as intoxicated as we were it was more of an awkward messy bump'n'grind.
Wake up fully dressed next to a naked Ken a few hours later. I'm fucking freezing, I can't believe I've slept with him and I'm about on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Ken wakes up and is sober enough to go grab his bike to drive us home. The whole way I'm blabbering like an idiot and I can't tell if its the breakdown or if I'm still drunk or if maybe I'm just a fucking crazy person.
He drops me at home and I am literally acting like a fucking nutbag. I'm all "I hope you still respect me, I hope I'm not pregnant, please don't tell anyone, are you ashamed of me??" and Ken's laughter is slowly turning from haha (you're funny) to haha (you might kill me in a minute)
Got home. Cried for an hour. Sent overly dramatic facebook messages to Lizz and Shiv. Finally get to sleep at 8am. Wake up at 10 am, FUCK NO. Wake up at 12 and finally shower off all the vodka and scrub off the smell of condoms.
Honestly.. those fucking things like permeate your skin. I swear I thought my dad was going to be able to smell the sex on me.
I calm down a little bit.
See... I wasn't really upset about having sex with Ken. Let's be honest, I've made worse decisions before. But I just never thought of him that way and I was so upset about Ninja, to then go fuck his friend. Ugh. He's never going to love me if I keep being such a giant whore.
Not that he'd love me regardless.
But still.
I don't think I was emotionally stable for sex with someone that I didn't have that sort of relationship with. On one hand I was like haha I don't need Ninja I can get anyone to have sex with me! And on the other hand it was like.... Omg... I'll have sex with anyone...
Arg oh well.
PBA helped me get over it the next night.
But lets save that tidbit of gossip for another time ;)...
xxKK
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
THIS HEART, IT FRACTURES
We interrupt this blog to bring you a non-humorous emotion update:
So Ninja and I have been chit chatting for a few weeks now. Well... for quite some time. But he's married and I respect that so I've been keeping it strictly friendly. Every single time I feel that it's getting too far or crossing a line I pull back. I have done nothing wrong.
But now that it's only a few days until I'm home for the weekend and it's Tori's birthday he's being horrible to me. And not like... aggressively mean but like... not talking to me, making me feel guilty or bothersome for trying to have a conversation with him.
And I'm over it.
Because I could handle loving someone who didn't love me back and I could handle supporting his marriage despite my feelings and being the one who backed away from the inappropriate conversations but I can't handle him using the marriage as some sort of weapon. It's like he's putting more and more pressure on my heart and now it's starting fracture and it fucking sucks.
I can find another guy to talk to, another guy to hook up, another guy to obsess over.
But he has my heart and he's treating it like shit.
I feel like shit.
If I wasn't at work I'd be elbow deep in ice cream and tears.
I guess my OneRepublic pandora station is't really helping....
I was just holding onto some small hope that maybe, just maybe, if I was good enough and worked hard enough and stayed around that maybe one day in the future he might be mine. It's not as if I was sitting at home waiting for him but it was always in the back of my mind. I supported his marriage, his career choices, I've never doubted or criticized anything he did. Yet when I go on a date he doesn't talk to me. I have an actual problem and he can't be bothered to care. And when I just want to talk, like the friends I thought we were, he throws his wife in my face like I should be ashamed or guilty or something.
So I'm withdrawing. I'm not going to try. I refuse to go on offense or defense. Right now I'm Switzerland. And maybe some day I'll love someone the way I love him. And maybe I won't.
Either way it has to be better than this emptiness.
xxKK
Sunday, January 15, 2012
OOOH IT FEELS GOOD TO BE STRUCK BY LIGHTENING..
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Sunday, October 2, 2011
AND AGAIN.
TWO POSTS???
Whaaaaat?
Crazy.
But true.
So I have a lot of time on my hands because I'm home sick and it's a sunday and I'm bored slash too sick slash tired to do all the cleaning that I promised Liz I would do while she was at work.
Time on hands means more blog for you.
Which is good since I realized I left out a pretty big thing in the last post.
And it's a doozy.
So if you remember Ninja you'll remember that the last time I spoke about him I was head over heels in love with him. Like jump in front of a moving bus, sell my soul to the devil, romeo and juliet in love with him.
God I am pathetic.
Anyways. I let it sit for months and months and I preoccupied myself with meaningless one night stands and an obsession with painting and throwing myself into my new job. Then I decided (a few weeks ago) that I was done sitting and that I was done waiting to know if there was anything there or if I'm just a fucking loony bin who's made it up in my head. So I made a plan to tell him. I was going to just tell him that I thought I still loved him and let him know that I wanted him to be happy and if that meant being with Tori then I will be happy for them. But if there was the slightest possibility that he wasn't happy.. or that he wanted another option then I'd be there.
God I am so stupid...
Anyways that plan was shot down last week when I found out that he's getting married to Tori on the 8th of this month. As in this Saturday coming.
I really am happy for him... I know how much marriage and family means to him so I am happy.
Just also confused. It was only a few months ago that he was complaining to me that he wasn't happy and he wasn't sure if this was the right thing for him. Musing over his lost dreams and what he was giving up for her. Reaching out to me... a person who he hadn't spoken to in months upon months.
I guess I just thought he wanted to reconnect or something. I guess I gave myself false hope. I guess that I just wanted to know that someone wanted me. And not just for an 8 hour layover sexcapade. Not just for one night or old times sake. Not a pity date or a drunken mistake.
I just wanted someone who loved me.
I'm not a home wrecker and I'm not a total bitch so I'm not going to do anything about Ninja except to congratulate him and his new wife the next time I see them. And to do him the favor of keeping away from him and his happiness.
On to happier tales.
So I'm sick (shocker) and I'm sitting on my couch looking at the wreck that is my living room wondering how it got this bad and if it would be totally pathetic to pay someone to clean it up for me...
The answer is yes. And I really don't like people touching my things so I guess that wouldn't really work for me.
But it just seems so overwhelming. Like a giant tornado came through but instead of breaking things it just sort of mixed them up into a random bundle of crap and strew it across my floor.
I wont even go into details about how my bedroom looks...
I work so often and the only days I'm off I either waste catching up on sleep or spend so sick that I can barely order my turkey sandwich at the deli.
YES I GOT ANOTHER TURKEY SANDWICH.
I never said I was proud of myself...
So I will yet again vow that tomorrow will be the day I clean up my house/my life/my act and spend the rest of this day buried in turkey and netflix.
Send me your healing well wishes and good morrow to you all.
xxKK
Whaaaaat?
Crazy.
But true.
So I have a lot of time on my hands because I'm home sick and it's a sunday and I'm bored slash too sick slash tired to do all the cleaning that I promised Liz I would do while she was at work.
Time on hands means more blog for you.
Which is good since I realized I left out a pretty big thing in the last post.
And it's a doozy.
So if you remember Ninja you'll remember that the last time I spoke about him I was head over heels in love with him. Like jump in front of a moving bus, sell my soul to the devil, romeo and juliet in love with him.
God I am pathetic.
Anyways. I let it sit for months and months and I preoccupied myself with meaningless one night stands and an obsession with painting and throwing myself into my new job. Then I decided (a few weeks ago) that I was done sitting and that I was done waiting to know if there was anything there or if I'm just a fucking loony bin who's made it up in my head. So I made a plan to tell him. I was going to just tell him that I thought I still loved him and let him know that I wanted him to be happy and if that meant being with Tori then I will be happy for them. But if there was the slightest possibility that he wasn't happy.. or that he wanted another option then I'd be there.
God I am so stupid...
Anyways that plan was shot down last week when I found out that he's getting married to Tori on the 8th of this month. As in this Saturday coming.
I really am happy for him... I know how much marriage and family means to him so I am happy.
Just also confused. It was only a few months ago that he was complaining to me that he wasn't happy and he wasn't sure if this was the right thing for him. Musing over his lost dreams and what he was giving up for her. Reaching out to me... a person who he hadn't spoken to in months upon months.
I guess I just thought he wanted to reconnect or something. I guess I gave myself false hope. I guess that I just wanted to know that someone wanted me. And not just for an 8 hour layover sexcapade. Not just for one night or old times sake. Not a pity date or a drunken mistake.
I just wanted someone who loved me.
I'm not a home wrecker and I'm not a total bitch so I'm not going to do anything about Ninja except to congratulate him and his new wife the next time I see them. And to do him the favor of keeping away from him and his happiness.
On to happier tales.
So I'm sick (shocker) and I'm sitting on my couch looking at the wreck that is my living room wondering how it got this bad and if it would be totally pathetic to pay someone to clean it up for me...
The answer is yes. And I really don't like people touching my things so I guess that wouldn't really work for me.
But it just seems so overwhelming. Like a giant tornado came through but instead of breaking things it just sort of mixed them up into a random bundle of crap and strew it across my floor.
I wont even go into details about how my bedroom looks...
I work so often and the only days I'm off I either waste catching up on sleep or spend so sick that I can barely order my turkey sandwich at the deli.
YES I GOT ANOTHER TURKEY SANDWICH.
I never said I was proud of myself...
So I will yet again vow that tomorrow will be the day I clean up my house/my life/my act and spend the rest of this day buried in turkey and netflix.
Send me your healing well wishes and good morrow to you all.
xxKK
Thursday, April 28, 2011
NUNCHUK TO THE HEART
So ever since he roundhouse kicked his way back into my heart Ninja has been a ball of confusion. We talked for two days straight for hours on end. We talked about what we've been up to, how scary/exciting graduation will be, what we're planning on doing after said graduation, his upcoming wedding to Tori, their potential offspring, whether we should have to give up our dreams for the people who are important to us. And then I grew some lady balls (but only because Siobhan made me) and I asked him why he had contacted me.
The answer was thoroughly underwhelming... He just noticed I was missing from his facebook and wanted to know why.
That's it.
No ground breaking love story. No desire to see what I was up to and if he still had a chance. Just a random encounter and god given curiosity.
MugWug was right... Ninja doesn't still love me he's just a decent human being who was being nice.
But that doesn't stop me from dreaming. You see he never actually said that he loves his bride to be. He said that choosing between her and his dreams was extremely difficult because since she had been in his life so long she had become important to him. They've been together for almost 8 years and he can't say that he chose her because he loves her? I mean... he was willing to leave her for me after 4 years with her and 4 days with me. He told me he loved me before we'd ever even kissed.
This is a bad bad road I'm going down.
Mina and Coley, who have never been mentioned because we don't get into very much trouble together but who do know me well and spend far too much time with me, are happily plotting my breaking up of his engagement. They're convinced I should be actively pursuing him despite the ring he put on Tori. And boy am I tempted. But I'm not.
Partly because I want him to choose me without prompting. I don't want to break them up I just want to be there when they do break up....
I want him to be happy. Don't get me wrong. I love him, still.. four years later I know I love him, but I love him so much that I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. So, yes, I want him to leave her for me. But more importantly I want him to leave her because he doesn't seem to be happy... And if I'm wrong... if he really really is happy with her then I wish him all the best and I'll quietly dream of an alternative world where he says "I don't" and comes back to me.
Ugh let me stop thinking about this and go do some real work. The kind of work that is giving me a 24-7 headache and stealing all my sleeping time away from me.
xxKK
The answer was thoroughly underwhelming... He just noticed I was missing from his facebook and wanted to know why.
That's it.
No ground breaking love story. No desire to see what I was up to and if he still had a chance. Just a random encounter and god given curiosity.
MugWug was right... Ninja doesn't still love me he's just a decent human being who was being nice.
But that doesn't stop me from dreaming. You see he never actually said that he loves his bride to be. He said that choosing between her and his dreams was extremely difficult because since she had been in his life so long she had become important to him. They've been together for almost 8 years and he can't say that he chose her because he loves her? I mean... he was willing to leave her for me after 4 years with her and 4 days with me. He told me he loved me before we'd ever even kissed.
This is a bad bad road I'm going down.
Mina and Coley, who have never been mentioned because we don't get into very much trouble together but who do know me well and spend far too much time with me, are happily plotting my breaking up of his engagement. They're convinced I should be actively pursuing him despite the ring he put on Tori. And boy am I tempted. But I'm not.
Partly because I want him to choose me without prompting. I don't want to break them up I just want to be there when they do break up....
I want him to be happy. Don't get me wrong. I love him, still.. four years later I know I love him, but I love him so much that I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. So, yes, I want him to leave her for me. But more importantly I want him to leave her because he doesn't seem to be happy... And if I'm wrong... if he really really is happy with her then I wish him all the best and I'll quietly dream of an alternative world where he says "I don't" and comes back to me.
Ugh let me stop thinking about this and go do some real work. The kind of work that is giving me a 24-7 headache and stealing all my sleeping time away from me.
xxKK
Friday, April 22, 2011
THE NINJA THAT SNUCK UP AND STOLE MY HEART
So someone just walked back into my life. Someone who used to be really really important to me.
Let's call him Ninja.
Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever. And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.
Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time. Ninja was one of my friends at the time. We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups. But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.
Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.
Something wonderful.
I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.
Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.
I loved him.
Like... a lot. But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....
Because that makes sense...
Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together. Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day. I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours. In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.
Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.
He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.
The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking. Talking three hours a night, every night, for months. I rarely slept. Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.
Conversations came to a halt.
Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.
Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.
Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook. So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.
Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"
....
Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.
And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him. We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him. A lot.
So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing. Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...
I am way over thinking this.
But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.
Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.
It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.
Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...
God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....
Don't judge me for saying that. I'm just being honest.
But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me. But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost. Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.
xxKK
Let's call him Ninja.
Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever. And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.
Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time. Ninja was one of my friends at the time. We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups. But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.
Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.
Something wonderful.
I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.
Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.
I loved him.
Like... a lot. But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....
Because that makes sense...
Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together. Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day. I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours. In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.
Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.
He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.
The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking. Talking three hours a night, every night, for months. I rarely slept. Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.
Conversations came to a halt.
Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.
Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.
Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook. So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.
Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"
....
Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.
And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him. We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him. A lot.
So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing. Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...
I am way over thinking this.
But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.
Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.
It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.
Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...
God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....
Don't judge me for saying that. I'm just being honest.
But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me. But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost. Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.
xxKK
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