Sunday, February 12, 2012

THE WEEKEND THAT WAS (PART 2)

Rolled out of bed, pulled on the clothes I'd worn the night before, threw on some sunglasses and called Shiv to get food.

Find out the silly nut has left her debit card at the bar we were at last night so we change the plans oh so slightly.
We make one pit stop instead of two so that we can eat and retrieve her DC at the same time. This does call for a change of clothing since the bartenders had already seen my outfit from the night before.

Luckily I was still drunk from the night before so I dressed myself rather quickly and rather like a slutty 80s prom queen might.

Black Mesh.
White Lace.
Fuchia Leather Gloves.
Leggings.
Grey Blazer.
Bra.

Thats about it.

So you understand why I had to text Shiv asking her to hurry the hell up because standing on the corner waiting for her I looked like $5 bucks would buy you a back-to-the-future worth ride.

Obviously I looked awesome.

And I even patted myself on the back and thought, "good job, Kitty, on picking an outfit that can double as a traditional walk of shame worthy get-up for the next day"

Anywhoo. We go to the bar. Sure enough one of the bartenders from the night is on and between the fucking glorious burger I had (medium rare, swiss cheese, mushrooms, mayo and bacon) and the rounds of free shots they decided to give up (at 2pm, which was like our 10am) we learned that the karaoke that I had so fiercely been decking out the night before is actually recorded. And the bartenders watch it.

All the time.

And they have a highlights reel.

Yes. I'm on it.

They would not confirm or deny it but I'm pretty sure the night I fell off the stage and tore all my ligament is on that tape.

So.. after a few beers, shots and great food we went on our merry way... to Shiv's bar...

My god that fucking burger was delicious. I wish I hadn't talked about it... I'm so hungry now.

ONWARDS.

We get to Shivs bar. More beer. More shots. I think more snacks but I honestly couldn't attest to that fact. I start removing "unnecessary" articles of clothing until eventually I'm in a bra, mesh dress and heels.
Make new friends, harass old ones, drunkenly text people (it's sort of my thing) smoke a bowl in the basement and generally just act stupid.

After a few hours of this general behavior I realize that it's my friend Mina's half birthday party so I jump in a cab, haul my drunk ass downtown. See this girl who is almost as wasted as I am. Hit on everything that moves from gay men to coats draped over chairs. Have a drink more and then decide that it's time to put myself to bed. Say goodbye to all my new friends and get in a cab.


And go back to the bar.


I don't know when in that cab I made the decision not to go home but I found myself back at the bar with a beer in my hand before I could say "Hell's Kitchen please."

Sitting at the bar. Scoping the talent. Now I will say this about Shiv's bar... it is fun, the food is great and I love the staff.

But it's not great for picking up men.

However I saw this one guy who had a dangerous edge to him. Eminem with a heart of gold and khaki cargo pants.
I target him. See him, choose him, snipe him.

He takes the bait (which was pretty much a drunken smile and slight nod) and approaches me. Buys me a drink - I think I'm in love. He reveals that he is an EMT. Thus I shall name him EMT Guy because I cannot with any certainty say I learned his name. Or anything helpful to giving him a better nickname.

So me and EMT guy are talking and I'm so far wasted by this point that he could have probably been a lamp post and I would have taken him home. So when he pointed out that he didn't have a place to stay and was just waiting for his shift in a few hours I was like "funny story, I do have a place to stay. You could stay there too if by stay there you mean get naked and then leave when I'm done with you."

He said yes.
We got in a cab and headed home.

Wish I'd stuck with the lamp post...

We get home and he gets naked as promise and underneath the clothes lie a disappointing body. A beerbelly where muscles were promises, really horrible and tasteless tattoos and a very small... piece.

God EMT Guy! Why you no deliver on your promises!

Well by the time were both naked enough to see this it was too late to back out so we had some quick, not very good sex and then he started rambling about how he'd love to stay but he just HAD to go to work... unless I want him to call in sick?

No.

No I do not.

Put your clothes on and get out of my house so I can fall asleep and hope that the booze I've soaked my brain in erases all memory of you.

So EMT Guy leaves, I fall asleep. The memories don't disappear but I do wake up starving, thirsty and still drunk.

And thus begins part 3...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

THE WEEKEND THAT WAS (PART 1)

So...

About how it feels like it's been AGES since I last posted.

I'd like to blame it on how awesome the past few weeks have been, on how fucking busy I am raging my face off but it is just so much more shameful than that.

It's really just been shame holding me back.

It all started one fateful thursday... I woke up so sick and had to call out of work. (Clearly this is not the exciting part of the story) and I spent my day sleeping, sleeping, sleeping and drinking soup.

Then Friday came by and I was going to head to work but I still felt a little off and my boss didnt want me contaminating the rest of the office so he told me to stay home. Well after sleeping from 8am till 4pm I woke up feeling awesome, rested and HUNGRY.

So I went to visit Shiv at her work place to eat the most amazing mushroom burger.

Seriously. The burger is taste bud orgasmic.

So since she works at a bar my food obviously came with a couple of beers. That led us down the road of debauchery and we ended up heading to our favorite neighborhood bar. Where I did many many shots. So many free shots of jager. So many... *shudder*

And after we insured everyone was so drunk that they were passing out, crying or pulling irish goodbyes I decided to start singing some glorious Karaoke.

Which, while I'm singing, makes me feel like a rockstar. And when I look back makes me want to kill myself.

The balance of minimal food, maximum medication and more booze than a camel could hold made for some SLOPPY actions and piss poor decisions but I managed to keep a teeny slice of dignity and walk myself home without losing any belongings, shoes or underwear. Got into my apartment after only 14 minutes of fighting the keys and went to sleep ass naked on top of a pile of my clothes.

Yup, shoes too.

So far it's sounding pretty tame, right?

Just a normal friday night...

I woke up at 1pm the next "morning" and rolled over, pulled on the clothes I'd worn the night before, threw on sunglasses and called Shiv to get get food.

And that's where Part Two began....

Trust me... there's too much shame in this story for it to be contained in one post.

xxKK

IT'S A WIN FOR THE G-MEN

First off, I hate that the Giants call themselves "G-Men"

What is this? A chinatown X-Men knockoff?
Like... would you rather be a group of normal guys...
OR would you want to be the mighty powerful GIANTS?

Come on.

It's not rocket science.

Anyways.

As per normal I was looking for a good reason to party and get waaaasted (but who really needs a reason, right?)
And the Superbowl seemed like a pretty fucking good reason.

I mean, it's hot guys in spandex, funny commercials, excitement that only sports can bring and everybody needs a place to watch it!

Hell I already have the TV and the couch space. I bought a case of beer and a vegetable plate and that was the end of my party prep. Pretty fucking sweet.
And I invited peeps from school, from work, from life. All of my favorite people!

And they came!

I'm so used to being blown off that I didn't actually expect people to show up. But 95% of the people I invited showed up. Plus a couple spares. And people watched the game and laughed at the commercials and screamed at the refs and drank anytime there was a touchdown, a field goal, a penalty, a time out, an injury, a mention of Peyton Manning, or of Madonna, whenever a beer commercial was on and pretty much anytime anything at all was happening.

There was beer pong and 5 fingers and so so so many snacks.

Noone threw up in my bathtub or got wine on my ceiling or broke a glass or almost burned down the house or started a fight or even had to crash because they were too drunk for feet.

So prettttty much it was the most successful party I've ever thrown.

Redo this weekend? Maaaaybe...

Help me think of an excuse to party and this time maybe I'll document the festivities so I can share photos.

xxKK

p.s. there was no left over beer at the end of the night but there were two tubs of guacamole, half the veggie plate and so many pigs in a blanket. Dinner anyone? Don't mind if I do...

Night.