AN ITCH LEFT UNSCRATCHED

So I finally pulled myself out of the pit of despair that was the last post. It took me about 24 hours.

So where have I been since then?
Well I've been off having misadventures.
Crazy too-fun-to-talk-about Misadventures.

...

Okay I lied.
Mostly I've been working.
Working everyday.. including my days off. Yay fun times.

This has resulted in me most often smelling like spilt vodka and sticky lime juice.

mmm.

yummy.

Is it any wonder I haven't been laid in ages?

Speaking of being laid...
So I came home after one of my million days of working and I was quite stressed and wound up so I decided to *ahem* go relieve some tension.
Well that didn't go so great...

I don't know how someone has bad sex with themselves but apparently it is very possible.

So not ideal.

Needless to say stress was not relieved and I was left even more unsatisfied with my life than before. It's bad enough when you cant find anyone else to have sex with you but when you can't even get it done... well that's just sad.

I have a load of stories from work but I'm tired and in a bad mood right now so I think I'll bid you adieu and save you from some unnecessary bitching.

xxKK

SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP IT ALL AWAY...

He never showed up.

I knew he wouldn't so I shouldn't be surprised.

But despite knowing that he wasn't going to I still stayed up till 3 am last night doing laundry and dishes and cleaning my house and waxing/shaving/beautifying every inch of my frigging body. I still picked out what I was going to wear and bought condoms.

I guess somewhere in the back of my head I thought that maybe there was still a chance that he'd follow through this time. I guess it's because when I asked him, not 48 hours ago, if he was coming he told me yes. Will told me not to take any extra shifts at work or make plans.

So I sat on my bed all day long waiting.

How pathetic is that?

I haven't eaten, haven't left the house. Haven't done anything. My head hurts and my stomach is grumbling so I think it's best if I just go back to sleep now. The idea of picking out something to eat or seeing people is just so exhausting so I'll just sleep until Monday comes and I'm back at work, too busy to feel so stupid.

Because it's not just that I feel unwanted, unbeautiful and truly stupendeously idiotic. It's that one of my best friends made me feel that way and frankly if that's how my best guy friend makes me feel then really what's the hope of me ever finding anyone ever again....


Pretty slim.


xxKK

ON FEELING LONELY...

Recap: Ninja got married, Charlie is off being happy with his wilderness barbie girlfriend and now Will is blowing me off.

Like... I know that I can be over bearing and paranoid sometimes. 

But this is not one of those times...

The sudden drop off in conversation, the lack of interest and the definite lack of plans all point to him blowing me off.

And that's really not cool because I asked him if he didn't want to come. I asked point blank if he didn't think he was going to make it and if there was a reason he wasn't talking to me. 

AND HE SAID NO. He said No he wasn't "not talking to me" and Yes he was still coming. 

WELL THAT'S SUPPOSEDLY TOMORROW. and I have no idea when his flight gets in, what train he's taking to the city, if he's taking a train, where he wants to meet, when he needs to leave.. NOTHING.

It's tomorrow. 

And I've tried. I've tried to BBM him all day long and he hasn't even bothered to read them. 

So I should take a hint and not bother cleaning up my living room or going over to NP's in the morning to get her to strap me into the super sexy corset I bought. I shouldn't bother washing my hair tonight and I shouldn't have bothered to pick up condoms. 

I just shouldn't ever bother. 

He's blowing me off and that's fine I guess... I with he had taken the out I offered him instead of just disappearing but whatever. 

I just thought that for 8 hours of my only day off in a week that I could maybe feel like someone wanted me. That there was a possibility that anyone would ever want or love me again. But maybe I left that all behind. Maybe it's better to get used to being alone. Maybe I'm not supposed to get married and have a big family and a bushel of pets. Run PTA meetings and drive my kids to soccer practice. Maybe I'm just meant to be... a bartender... who lives alone in the city and drinks to much.

My future is totally awesome. 

xxKK

THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM?..

I guess if it's Main Squeeze we're talking about it's more like the three millionth time. But anyways.

After my depressing reality check about the men in my life I decided to do a little facebook stalking and in my minifeed Senior Squeeze popped up. Haven't really stalked him in a decent 8 months so I had a gander. Last I checked he was still dating and cheating on the girl he cheated on me with so he was a no go.
But lo and behold top of his wall it says "Main Squeeze is now friends with That Girl."

Eh?

How could he have just added her if they've been in a status worthy relationship for a year now?

So I investigate a little bit...

Okay I scrolled through 2 months of wall posts to find out. Don't judge me!

Anyways turns out the day before my 22nd birthday he broke up with That Girl and they haven't spoken since. But then he added her back as a friend last week. No relationship status but who knows with him... is he reeling her back in for round 2? Is it FWB? Is he just trying to be civil?

None of this really matters since he's back home and I'm in the city.

Except that it's almost halloween.
And last halloween he flew to New York and called me.

And then blew me off...

But thats an old story. Anyways. He might come back... and if he's single... and if Will blows me off on Saturday (which I'm 64% sure he's going to) then by Halloween I am REALLY going to need to have some real good sex.

And MS is good at real good sex.

So.... who knows. I might just drop him a line. Remind him of what's in the big apple.

xxKK

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...

Chop chop chop em up and use em for a vodka garnish.

So Ninja went and got himself married.
Like... ring on her finger, fly off to a honeymoon, till death do us part: married.

And that was - whew - a rough day for me. Even rougher when I saw the album of photos showing him looking so handsome and happy to be with his bride, who picked a gorgeous dress and is the first bride to ever pick beautiful bridesmaids dresses. Everyone looked so freaking happy and I really really wanted to be happy for him.
And I guess I am in a way. Like I am glad that he is happy but I myself am quite possibly devastated.
He was holding on to this little piece of my heart. A little piece that didnt get smashed when Charlie walked away, didn't shatter when Main Squeeze cheated on me, didn't crack when boys stomped all over me. It was this precious little space that was filled with wild hopes and dreams of an outdoor fall wedding and a future with 3 kids, 4 dogs and nights cuddled by the fireplace.

But that's gone now.

It's not like he broke it or smashed it or blew it into a thousand tiny pieces like any other boy has... but when I saw those photos of their outdoor fall wedding and saw all of their future possibilites and of how happy they were... that piece of heart fell out of existence. It slipped out of my body and into the ether of lost dreams.

And it really hurts. This hollow ache - like phantom pains in a lost limb or the way your tummy feels when you're sick but have nothing left to throw up. Empty pains.

But never fear... I know I'm empty right now but eventually someone will come and curl up inside my heart and perfectly fit that giant gap.

It would be easier to see this optimistic view if I wasn't also getting blown off by other men in my life: my pops, the hot guys at work... Will...

You haven't heard a lot about Will thus far. He's actually one of my very best friends in the whole world. He's known me since I was 14 and has seen me through all sorts of ups and downs. We talk constantly and even when we occasionally lose touch we always find our way back.

Did I mention we dated in high school?

(This was between Charlie round 1 and Charlie round 2.)

Anyways... when we dated I was still all messed up and angsty like all teenage girls in Lust/Love and we ended before anything serious serious happened. Except that we've always had a twinge of flirtation. Even when I was with other people... or obsessed with other people. When I was stupid, drunk, fucked up, fucking around, anything and everything. He's always somehow found a way to see me in a beautiful way.

And that's pretty awesome.

So two years ago I decided to act on it and fly from NYC to see him and have a little sex-cation to tie up all those loose ends and to see if there was anything more past curiosity and flirtation. Lo and behold he has a girlfriend, who is pretty much living with him, when I show up.

Needless to day... no sex.

I return to NYC still sexless and depressed. Life continues. We still flirt and talk about what could of been etc etc.

Cut to two years later/now and he's planning a trip to NYC.
well... more of an 8 hour layover actually.

And he wants to make up for lost time...

And I am over joyed because I really need to feel beautiful again and be with someone who really makes me happy like he does.. even if its just for 8 hours.
Suddenly a week before he's scheduled to arrive he stops talking to me. Like... doesn't respond or only responds with a short answer and goes days without saying anything. He's too busy to text...

This from a man who used to exchange semi dirty texts with me while he was working with a client.

Like what's up with that??

I address the issue and he assures me he's still coming to the city but he can't talk right now. So I guess I still need the day off of work but it just feels so weird. Like something changed and nobody told me.
He has a history of doing this too... getting too deep and then suddenly pulling away with no warning. And I guess that guilt or sense of duty to his girlfriend is what makes him such a good man but on the other hand don't tell me something and then never follow through.

Or else I'll just be here again in a few years... sitting alone in my bedroom crying over a wedding I wasn't invited to with no one to comfort me but my beanie baby and a vibrator.

So I guess I'll find out in a few days whether he's planning on following through this time or not....

Night kitties.
xxKK


p.s.... remind me to tell you of the possible return of Main Squeeze... it's not that I enjoy recycling my old boyfriends but I already know how fun they can be and I don't have to train them... I'm too busy to train a new boy.
Plus I like games. And with MS it's always a game... a game of catching him, keeping him and keeping it good ol' fashioned regretless sexy fun times.

THE ADVENTURES OF DEAD MAN DANIELS

There are certain things that are a staple of desire for every little girl. Things that you think you absolutely need to be happy.

Ponies.

Princes. 

Pink Bicycles.

My Size Barbie. 

Littlest Pet Shop.

Giant boxes of teddy grahams. 

These things are scared and special and near to every little princesses heart. You can only hope and dream that one day these things will find you in life. 

You know what's not on that list? 

Stalkers. 

Stalkers are not something that people want in their lives. In fact I believe it is something that most people would prefer to avoid completely. But this Kat just isn't that lucky. 

Meet Dead Man Daniels. 

A man so old that it seems that one sneeze you push him right into the afterlife. A overweight, old as shit, dinosaur of a man.

Who is obsessed with me. 

He comes to my bar every single day and sits and orders Jack Daniels. 

And orders

And orders 

And orders.

I believe the record thus far has been me serving him 19 shots in a day. 

But he doesn't shoot them... oh noooo... he sips on them. 

Shots of Jack Daniels are not sippin' dranks. 

No sir. 

Anyways. At first I thought he was just an eccentric regular. Spent some time talking to him and learning a bit about him. 

Then suddenly he goes from regular to borderline obsessed and then to full throttle stalker.

Phase 1.

He begins coming to the bar in threes. Once at 11am (as soon as we open) Again by 1pm and again around 3pm. 

THRICE. 

Phase 2.

He starts to relocate himself to align with where I am. Like he'll sit at the end of my bar and if I move he'll move with me. Or if I'm on waitressing duty he'll move to a table... even though he's getting the same lonely shot as he was sitting at the bar. 

Phase 3. 

He brings me presents.

Yes presents. On my birthday he overheard me telling my manager that it was my birthday and he left only to return with a book almost as old as himself. 

Later that week he showed up with a bag of food. 

I fuck you not. 

A bag, Of. Food. 

It was 4:45 and he claimed he'd brought me it for lunch. My curiosity hates me so much for turning it away without seeing what was inside first but I was afraid to accept it. 

Phase 4. 

He starts telling me intimate details of his life. His father has a stroke, his mother has emotional issues. He has 5 sisters. He used to fly airplanes in the army. He hates snakes. Things I neither asked to know or even brought up anything even remotely related.  

Phase 5. 

He shows up to work. I try to dissuade our... friendship (?)... by paying him less attention and he asks me if we're in a fight. Literally asks me if we're fighting. So weird. Then two days ago he sits at my table and tells me that his mom says hi. Like his mom would know who I was. Like his mom has heard about me in a way that makes me seem like more than his bartender. Like in a creepy he thinks I'm his girlfriend way. 

Phase 6.

After two weeks of the cold shoulder he is now trying to win me over with money. Of the 65$ I made today 25 came from him because he threw down a  25 dollar tip on top of the $1.50 included grat on his 6 dollar jack daniels. 

Like... thanks? But I still don't want to be your girlfriend. 

Anyways. I'm waiting to see how far this will escalate before I legitimately need to be worried. 

Booyah creepers.

But I thought I should introduce him to this lovely ragtag mix of characters since I'm not having sex (so I can't write about that) my social life is dwindling (so I can't write about that) and the only thing I do is work/deal with Dead Man Daniels and sleep. 

It's sad. 

An 80 something year old crazy is now officially the only one who is interested in me since Will has officially fallen off the face of the earth. 

Oops.. did I forget to mention Will? Stories for tomorrow.. 

xxKK

WOW IT'S STARTING TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE NO LIFE...

...as I post a second day's blog for the second day in a row...

But as I sit here on my couch.. don't judge me, it just happens to be where I like to do my writing... and my TV watching and thinking and netflixing and (occasional) sleeping and...

shut up.

Anyways. As I sit here I realize how I have reached what might be a new low.

When I moved into this apartment I chose to live by myself. I have one bedroom. One bed. One couch. One desk. One bookshelf. One of everything.
Except in the kitchen slash dining room.... There it's like I tricked myself into thinking I had a husband and 6 kids because I have 8 of everything.

8 plates, 8 mugs, 8 bowls, 8 forks, 8 knives, 8 cups, 6 wine glasses (it used to be 8 but after a few too many glasses of vino I may or may not have broken two of them #myB) 8 mixing bowls, 8 place mats, 8 big spoons and 8 little spoons.

That's a lot of eights.

So if we count the big spoon and little spoon families as one big category then I really have 16 spoons in my house.

Not including the various mixing and measuring ones.

So someone please tell me how I am out of spoons and reduced to stirring my delicious, herbal, skin detoxifying, slendering, influenza fighting, sunshine out my ass tea with a plastic spoon.

PLASTIC SPOON.

photographic evidence. 

This is a bad turn of events.
First I lose everything I mentioned earlier and now I lose all my spoons!

What next??
Are the socks going to go on a safari trip and leave my feet alone in the cold?!
VIVA LA SOCK REVOLUTION!!!

...

Too much?

Anyways.. I will leave you (again) with this nugget of wisdom:
The rhythm of life is when you experience your own body, mind and soul.

Alright I stole that from my Yogi teabag.

G'night loves.
xxKK


and if you make fun of my john deere mug I'll run you over with my tractor.

WELL AIN'T LIFE A PEACH.

So the boy I thought I loved is getting married. And the boy who told me he wanted to spend the only 8 hours he had in NY with me is now not talking to me. My boss announced that noone is getting time off work for Christmas, and since I haven't spent time with my home friends or family since last Christmas, that means that come December 25th I'll probably be out of a job. I haven't spoken to Marie in several weeks because I'm always at work and she's got school. This same reasoning is stopping me from talking to pretty much all of my friends. Except for Liz and that's only because she works and lives with me. No escape for her.

So I'm losing my family, friends, love, sexcapade opportunity, job and probably my mind.

So many issues.
So many things going missing.

So I guess I'm just going to continue dosing up on dayquil and eating my weight in teddy grahams until I feel good enough to get on with my life.

xxKK

AND AGAIN.

TWO POSTS???
Whaaaaat?
Crazy.
But true.

So I have a lot of time on my hands because I'm home sick and it's a sunday and I'm bored slash too sick slash tired to do all the cleaning that I promised Liz I would do while she was at work.

Time on hands means more blog for you.

Which is good since I realized I left out a pretty big thing in the last post.
And it's a doozy.

So if you remember Ninja you'll remember that the last time I spoke about him I was head over heels in love with him. Like jump in front of a moving bus, sell my soul to the devil, romeo and juliet in love with him.

God I am pathetic.

Anyways. I let it sit for months and months and I preoccupied myself with meaningless one night stands and an obsession with painting and throwing myself into my new job. Then I decided (a few weeks ago) that I was done sitting and that I was done waiting to know if there was anything there or if I'm just a fucking loony bin who's made it up in my head. So I made a plan to tell him. I was going to just tell him that I thought I still loved him and let him know that I wanted him to be happy and if that meant being with Tori then I will be happy for them. But if there was the slightest possibility that he wasn't happy.. or that he wanted another option then I'd be there.

God I am so stupid...

Anyways that plan was shot down last week when I found out that he's getting married to Tori on the 8th of this month. As in this Saturday coming.

I really am happy for him... I know how much marriage and family means to him so I am happy.

Just also confused. It was only a few months ago that he was complaining to me that he wasn't happy and he wasn't sure if this was the right thing for him. Musing over his lost dreams and what he was giving up for her. Reaching out to me... a person who he hadn't spoken to in months upon months.

I guess I just thought he wanted to reconnect or something. I guess I gave myself false hope. I guess that I just wanted to know that someone wanted me. And not just for an 8 hour layover sexcapade. Not just for one night or old times sake. Not a pity date or a drunken mistake.

I just wanted someone who loved me.

I'm not a home wrecker and I'm not a total bitch so I'm not going to do anything about Ninja except to congratulate him and his new wife the next time I see them. And to do him the favor of keeping away from him and his happiness.

On to happier tales.

So I'm sick (shocker) and I'm sitting on my couch looking at the wreck that is my living room wondering how it got this bad and if it would be totally pathetic to pay someone to clean it up for me...
The answer is yes. And I really don't like people touching my things so I guess that wouldn't really work for me.
But it just seems so overwhelming. Like a giant tornado came through but instead of breaking things it just sort of mixed them up into a random bundle of crap and strew it across my floor.

I wont even go into details about how my bedroom looks...

I work so often and the only days I'm off I either waste catching up on sleep or spend so sick that I can barely order my turkey sandwich at the deli.

YES I GOT ANOTHER TURKEY SANDWICH.
I never said I was proud of myself...

So I will yet again vow that tomorrow will be the day I clean up my house/my life/my act and spend the rest of this day buried in turkey and netflix.

Send me your healing well wishes and good morrow to you all.

xxKK

A TURKEY-TASTIC LIFE

So as I lay here on my couch on my first proper day off in many many days (and by proper I mean I got out of bed before 5pm) I realized that I haven't posted since my oh-so-somber b-day rant.

Truth is a lot has been going on but it's hard for me to write about because I've always tried to keep my life a little separate from the blog. It's not like I want all my friends and family reading about my various drug and sex-capades.

Can we say awkward?

Anyways. I have this awesome job where the people are a mixed bag of awesome, crazy and straight up stupid. Where I lose my shit at least twice a week and come home feeling like a bag of meat pretty much everyday (because I work pretty much every day.) Maybe I should write some of that craziness. I dunno. It is a big bag of drama. And we here at KKC do love some drama.

Aside from work and the lack of a social life I have a few other things jumbling around in my head. Like how the only person who actually wants to have sex with me right now is already involved with someone else.

Ugh and that I can't or shouldn't go into because sometimes he reads this blog. Makes it hard to figure shit out. I mean... I know there's like this whole idea that full disclosure and honesty is good for people but I'd rather crap out without the person I'm figuring out inside my head.

In other news Liz has temporarily moved in with me which has resulted in our house looking more like a frat house (my fault not hers) and a new love of turkey sandwiches. Yes this former vegan and then vegetarian and then vegetarian (with the occasional drunken desire for hotdogs) is now a meat eater. And by meat eater I mean turkey sandwich eater.

A 22 year old meat eater with no foreseeable future career past slinging liquor and serving mini hamburgers.

Go me.

xxKK