ON SWITCHING 'I' FOR 'E' AND LOVE IN 2012

So this year I didn't actually set any real resolutions. I mean there are always the usuals in the back of my head...

lose weight...
finish writing a script...
find a boyfriend...
have better sex...
spend less on shoes...

The usuals.

But nothing committed to paper or anything like that.

Well since the New Year I've managed to somehow, without prompting of resolutions, still manage to turn over a tiny bit of a leaf.

I already just feel more positive. It's probably just runoff of 2011 because I have this great new job working in TV and I love it, and I've been hanging out with my best friends a lot, and I've cut out 90% of the useless drama (obviously I have to keep that 10% plus 100% of useful drama... or else life would be bloody boring) and all of that was lumped onto the tail end of 2011.

And then I got to go home for the first time in a year and see my friends and ride my moped and have sex with hometown boy and I came back to the city just even more positive. I found out that people in the office actually missed me while I was gone and I made a new friend [at work] (!!!) and I just feel awesome.

This girl started working with me 3 days a week and for the first hour I wasn't sure of how it was going to go but then I realized she was just what my girl friend group was missing. She's hilarious and sweet and a total gossip (but in the fun endearing way, not the malicious rumors way)
And usually I would have been mad awkward and driven her away but I was feeling positive and open and now we're good friends after only a week.

And then I went on a date with a guy tonight. His name in Stratton and I met him online and I didn't run away afte 3 IMs. We met up and went ice skating. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere but I'm willing to give it another shot since he didn't make fun of me for falling twice and making rail stops every 10 minutes and he thought my intense fear and concentration was endearing instead of weird. I don't know if I like him or if he likes me but, by God, I'm going to give it a try. Because I'm being goddamn positive and I fucking deserve it.

Hell I'm gonna date all the guys online.

Everyone of them.

Okay maybe not that many...

But the point is I'm opening up and trying! I haven't been to my neighborhood bars since I've been home because I'm trying (against my natural instinct) to branch out and try new things.

I'm even couponing now. Because happy people like savings too. And there's something weirdly seductive about that little slot at the bottom of my receipt that says "In this transaction you have saved $24.58"
Like... yeah I motherfucking did! High five to myself. Pat on the back. NBD.

And I guess the last thing I'll tell you about this new me is that I took the "I" out of "bitter" and inserted an "e"

(I'm saving the I to spell optimistic)

The point is..

well the point needs a tiny backstory.

While I was home he-who-shall-not-be-named contacted me.
No, not Voldemort, Mugwug.
He sent me a very kind merry christmas text. I didn't respond because I was roaming and long distant and poor. But also because I didn't know what to say. Like... you left me on the floor for 6 hours with a mass amount of torn ligaments. You lied about me to everyone I knew. You made me cry more than any boy I've ever known before and we were just friends... And then out of nowhere, after not having any contact for 5 months you send me the happy christmas text? And have the audacity to mention my family?

It definitely threw me off balance. A

And at first I thought of every childish catty thing I could respond from "who's this?" to "my christmas is especially merry without you in it" but then I decided not to be a total cunt and I just didn't respond at all.

But that's not a solution either. Because then I look like the bad guy. So I finally swallowed my bitterness and just wrote back a simple "Thanks, same to you." Because I don't need to catch up or invite conversation because my life truly is infinitely better without him. But I also don't need to waste energy on hating him or ignoring him.

I'm through playing games.

Happy 2012.

xxKK