So Ninja and I have been chit chatting for a few weeks now. Well... for quite some time. But he's married and I respect that so I've been keeping it strictly friendly. Every single time I feel that it's getting too far or crossing a line I pull back. I have done nothing wrong.
But now that it's only a few days until I'm home for the weekend and it's Tori's birthday he's being horrible to me. And not like... aggressively mean but like... not talking to me, making me feel guilty or bothersome for trying to have a conversation with him.
And I'm over it.
Because I could handle loving someone who didn't love me back and I could handle supporting his marriage despite my feelings and being the one who backed away from the inappropriate conversations but I can't handle him using the marriage as some sort of weapon. It's like he's putting more and more pressure on my heart and now it's starting fracture and it fucking sucks.
I can find another guy to talk to, another guy to hook up, another guy to obsess over.
But he has my heart and he's treating it like shit.
I feel like shit.
If I wasn't at work I'd be elbow deep in ice cream and tears.
I guess my OneRepublic pandora station is't really helping....
I was just holding onto some small hope that maybe, just maybe, if I was good enough and worked hard enough and stayed around that maybe one day in the future he might be mine. It's not as if I was sitting at home waiting for him but it was always in the back of my mind. I supported his marriage, his career choices, I've never doubted or criticized anything he did. Yet when I go on a date he doesn't talk to me. I have an actual problem and he can't be bothered to care. And when I just want to talk, like the friends I thought we were, he throws his wife in my face like I should be ashamed or guilty or something.
So I'm withdrawing. I'm not going to try. I refuse to go on offense or defense. Right now I'm Switzerland. And maybe some day I'll love someone the way I love him. And maybe I won't.
Either way it has to be better than this emptiness.
xxKK
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