So ever since he roundhouse kicked his way back into my heart Ninja has been a ball of confusion. We talked for two days straight for hours on end. We talked about what we've been up to, how scary/exciting graduation will be, what we're planning on doing after said graduation, his upcoming wedding to Tori, their potential offspring, whether we should have to give up our dreams for the people who are important to us. And then I grew some lady balls (but only because Siobhan made me) and I asked him why he had contacted me.
The answer was thoroughly underwhelming... He just noticed I was missing from his facebook and wanted to know why.
That's it.
No ground breaking love story. No desire to see what I was up to and if he still had a chance. Just a random encounter and god given curiosity.
MugWug was right... Ninja doesn't still love me he's just a decent human being who was being nice.
But that doesn't stop me from dreaming. You see he never actually said that he loves his bride to be. He said that choosing between her and his dreams was extremely difficult because since she had been in his life so long she had become important to him. They've been together for almost 8 years and he can't say that he chose her because he loves her? I mean... he was willing to leave her for me after 4 years with her and 4 days with me. He told me he loved me before we'd ever even kissed.
This is a bad bad road I'm going down.
Mina and Coley, who have never been mentioned because we don't get into very much trouble together but who do know me well and spend far too much time with me, are happily plotting my breaking up of his engagement. They're convinced I should be actively pursuing him despite the ring he put on Tori. And boy am I tempted. But I'm not.
Partly because I want him to choose me without prompting. I don't want to break them up I just want to be there when they do break up....
I want him to be happy. Don't get me wrong. I love him, still.. four years later I know I love him, but I love him so much that I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. So, yes, I want him to leave her for me. But more importantly I want him to leave her because he doesn't seem to be happy... And if I'm wrong... if he really really is happy with her then I wish him all the best and I'll quietly dream of an alternative world where he says "I don't" and comes back to me.
Ugh let me stop thinking about this and go do some real work. The kind of work that is giving me a 24-7 headache and stealing all my sleeping time away from me.
xxKK
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
THE NINJA THAT SNUCK UP AND STOLE MY HEART
So someone just walked back into my life. Someone who used to be really really important to me.
Let's call him Ninja.
Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever. And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.
Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time. Ninja was one of my friends at the time. We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups. But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.
Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.
Something wonderful.
I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.
Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.
I loved him.
Like... a lot. But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....
Because that makes sense...
Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together. Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day. I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours. In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.
Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.
He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.
The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking. Talking three hours a night, every night, for months. I rarely slept. Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.
Conversations came to a halt.
Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.
Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.
Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook. So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.
Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"
....
Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.
And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him. We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him. A lot.
So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing. Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...
I am way over thinking this.
But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.
Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.
It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.
Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...
God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....
Don't judge me for saying that. I'm just being honest.
But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me. But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost. Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.
xxKK
Let's call him Ninja.
Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever. And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.
Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time. Ninja was one of my friends at the time. We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups. But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.
Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.
Something wonderful.
I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.
Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.
I loved him.
Like... a lot. But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....
Because that makes sense...
Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together. Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day. I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours. In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.
Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.
He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.
The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking. Talking three hours a night, every night, for months. I rarely slept. Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.
Conversations came to a halt.
Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.
Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.
Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook. So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.
Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"
....
Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.
And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him. We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him. A lot.
So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing. Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...
I am way over thinking this.
But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.
Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.
It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.
Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...
God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....
Don't judge me for saying that. I'm just being honest.
But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me. But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost. Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.
xxKK
Friday, April 15, 2011
WHILE THE KAT IS AWAY THE MICE WILL PLAY...
So about 2 months ago I came home one fateful night and when I walked into my bedroom something small and dark dashed across the wall and under my bed.
Naturally I thought it was a roach because I fucking hate roaches and they always seem to find me.
So I bombed my house, sprayed a shit ton of baygon and nearly asphyxiated myself.
I also slept on my couch for the next three weeks. Partially to avoid complete asphyxiation and partly because I'm a big ass chicken who has a history of sleeping on my couch to avoid bedroom inhabitants and/or messes.
But then one morning I was sleeping on the couch and the motherfucking mouse ran across my floor.
So I went back to sleeping in my bedroom.
The next time I saw the mouse (at 2 am) I engaged in all out warfare for an hour and a half until I had it trapped in a tiny corner by the door. Opened the door and whoosh, swept it outside. I saw it scrabble around on the landing before hauling ass down the stairs.
Cut to two months later: I'm sitting on my couch, feeling pleased as punch, watching a little My So-Called Life and then I hear it.
Scrabble. Scrabble. Scratch. Scratch. Squeek.
I fuck you not. There was a squeek.
And you'll never guess where it came from.
The motherfucking oven.
Yes. Mouse in the mother fucking oven.
So then I'm like wtf? And then I'm like Imma roast the motherfucker. And then, after a little google research, I realized how bad of an idea that was so I just started making noise to scare it. On and off it scrabbled and scratched and squeeked.
I mean, I left traps, dropped poison, installed 5 of those little sonic things and still it scrabbled on.
Then... nothing. No noises for a few days. I finally started using my stovetop again.
And now I can't be sure if it's the 4:46 on the clock or an actual sighting but I'm pretty sure I just saw another furry run out in the corner of my eye.
Well I'm heading out of manhattan for some debauchery with Miranda Bellevue (she likes fun) and I'm hoping that while I'm way the mouses will decide this house is not for them and I will come home to a furry free residence.
I'm also hoping that while I'm away Miranda and my two new favorite boys, Sebastiano and Juliano, will keep my mind off the mice with copious amounts of alcohol, installation wrecking, trespassing, glitterati* and fetus cakes for breakfast.
If that sounds wrong just wait till I blog about what actually goes down this weekend :P crazy times. Last time was too R rated for even this humble blog.
Anyways, I'm off to get a power nap in before school.
xxKK
*glitterati - an amateur (i.e. with yo friends) photo shoot consisting of ridiculous faces, costumes and, obviously, glitter. Also a term for the trio of Miranda, Juiliano & Sebastiano.
Naturally I thought it was a roach because I fucking hate roaches and they always seem to find me.
So I bombed my house, sprayed a shit ton of baygon and nearly asphyxiated myself.
I also slept on my couch for the next three weeks. Partially to avoid complete asphyxiation and partly because I'm a big ass chicken who has a history of sleeping on my couch to avoid bedroom inhabitants and/or messes.
But then one morning I was sleeping on the couch and the motherfucking mouse ran across my floor.
So I went back to sleeping in my bedroom.
The next time I saw the mouse (at 2 am) I engaged in all out warfare for an hour and a half until I had it trapped in a tiny corner by the door. Opened the door and whoosh, swept it outside. I saw it scrabble around on the landing before hauling ass down the stairs.
Cut to two months later: I'm sitting on my couch, feeling pleased as punch, watching a little My So-Called Life and then I hear it.
Scrabble. Scrabble. Scratch. Scratch. Squeek.
I fuck you not. There was a squeek.
And you'll never guess where it came from.
The motherfucking oven.
Yes. Mouse in the mother fucking oven.
So then I'm like wtf? And then I'm like Imma roast the motherfucker. And then, after a little google research, I realized how bad of an idea that was so I just started making noise to scare it. On and off it scrabbled and scratched and squeeked.
I mean, I left traps, dropped poison, installed 5 of those little sonic things and still it scrabbled on.
Then... nothing. No noises for a few days. I finally started using my stovetop again.
And now I can't be sure if it's the 4:46 on the clock or an actual sighting but I'm pretty sure I just saw another furry run out in the corner of my eye.
Well I'm heading out of manhattan for some debauchery with Miranda Bellevue (she likes fun) and I'm hoping that while I'm way the mouses will decide this house is not for them and I will come home to a furry free residence.
I'm also hoping that while I'm away Miranda and my two new favorite boys, Sebastiano and Juliano, will keep my mind off the mice with copious amounts of alcohol, installation wrecking, trespassing, glitterati* and fetus cakes for breakfast.
If that sounds wrong just wait till I blog about what actually goes down this weekend :P crazy times. Last time was too R rated for even this humble blog.
Anyways, I'm off to get a power nap in before school.
xxKK
*glitterati - an amateur (i.e. with yo friends) photo shoot consisting of ridiculous faces, costumes and, obviously, glitter. Also a term for the trio of Miranda, Juiliano & Sebastiano.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
SICK KITTEH
Finally, a moment to sit and contemplate life and write.
If only this moment didn't have to come at the expense of my immune system.
My immune system saw how helpful and productive the rest of my body was being with the working and the gyming and the general being awesome at life so it decided it could take the week off.
Now I'm a little freak of nature who gets sick quite often and whose resting body temperature is somewhere around 95°. Which, as you little genuises have probably already figured out, is about 3 degrees lower than you. What's three degrees though, right? Well consider the difference you feel between your normal 98.6° and the oh so sick feeling of 101°... well that's only two and a half degrees. Anyways, if I hit 99° on any given day I'm already feeling pretty crappy but this weekend my immune system didn't just take a day trip to the cape but went on a full blown leave of absence.
I hit 102°, which is like 105° for you normal people.
So needless to say I wasn't gyming or working or doing anything at all. In fact I couldn't even play video games because I couldn't concentrate on the moving pictures... and I couldn't stay awake for more than an hour.
Anyways. Thats about all you need to know about my sickness. Unless you want the gross details. But I don't feel like sharing those just now.
Well since I spent 48 hours in bed doing nothing I don't have a lot to report on. My life is pretty boring right now. Not much change from before. Busy busy bee.
Fuck now I'm tired... back to sleep. When I get back from yet another nap remind me to tell y'all about my fucking mouse problem.
If only this moment didn't have to come at the expense of my immune system.
My immune system saw how helpful and productive the rest of my body was being with the working and the gyming and the general being awesome at life so it decided it could take the week off.
Now I'm a little freak of nature who gets sick quite often and whose resting body temperature is somewhere around 95°. Which, as you little genuises have probably already figured out, is about 3 degrees lower than you. What's three degrees though, right? Well consider the difference you feel between your normal 98.6° and the oh so sick feeling of 101°... well that's only two and a half degrees. Anyways, if I hit 99° on any given day I'm already feeling pretty crappy but this weekend my immune system didn't just take a day trip to the cape but went on a full blown leave of absence.
I hit 102°, which is like 105° for you normal people.
So needless to say I wasn't gyming or working or doing anything at all. In fact I couldn't even play video games because I couldn't concentrate on the moving pictures... and I couldn't stay awake for more than an hour.
Anyways. Thats about all you need to know about my sickness. Unless you want the gross details. But I don't feel like sharing those just now.
Well since I spent 48 hours in bed doing nothing I don't have a lot to report on. My life is pretty boring right now. Not much change from before. Busy busy bee.
Fuck now I'm tired... back to sleep. When I get back from yet another nap remind me to tell y'all about my fucking mouse problem.
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