WISHFUL THINKING

So tonight MugWug and I had a little heart to heart.

You see, as little as I've been talking to you guys lately, I've been talking to him even less.

And it's not like a heehee I don't want to talk to you little child thing. I just... sort of shut down.  Because, you might remember my previous post, I was sort of feeling replaced. No one wants to feel like they're second rate.

Well it started with a little feeling of being rejected and then snowballed.  My feeling like an unwanted friend made me back off. Me backing off made him move further from me. etc, etc. It's a vicious circle.

So we had a heart to heart tonight.

Or should I say, I was lured to his apartment under the pretense of work and then ambushed with emotional napalm.

I don't do well with conflict.  I don't do well with surprised either.

But I managed to neither run away or punch anyone.

And the talk, albeit the most uncomfortable in a long time, was good. It clears the air and brings up things that no one really talks about.  If you let the little things pile up then before you know it you have one massive thing that you can't really identify because it's made up of all these tiny insignificant particles.

So the talk was good. (Hear me MugWug? You did good.)

But.
(And of course there is a but)
Now I wonder where we go. It's been 5 weeks of slowly drifting apart, unconscientiously and conscientiously, and one conversation doesn't nullify that. How do we get back to 5 weeks ago? How do we go back to 100% trust and unconditional love?

How do I let go of the issues?

I wish we could just say "here is the problem, I see the problem, there is no more problem, everything is fine now"

but you can't.

I wish I could magically be nicer or better or more accommodating or less abrasive or less jealous/anxious/angry/frustrated and I wish I could snap my fingers and make that all true.

But I'm not going to change overnight.

And it's not all my fault.

But other people can't change overnight either.

And I need to not expect unrealistic changes over night but yet I do want everything to be fine again.

Ugh. I just want to time travel back and fix this before it was an issue.

That's it. No more wishful thinking for the night. Off to bed with Kitty.
xxKK.