BROKEN RULES AND A CROTCH HEART

After the whole MainSqueeze thing blew up in my face I vowed that I would never again let my heart live in my vagina.

I admit I've had some set backs in the whole heart in the crotch department. I've grown attached to some of my men over the years but nothing as delusional as that first real man-stake with MainSqueeze.

Now I'd like to say that it's been a wonderful world of detached sex but it's had its ups and downs. I mean on one hand you're already playing the chance game of one night stands but then you also have the bedroom politics. Some men don't like a woman who plays the emotionless sex game. God forbid you scream their names at night then leave without a kiss goodbye in the morning.

But if you ask for a number then you're needy.

Oh sweet jesus let me just bask in the hypocrisy that is men.

I'm getting off track. Where were we? Oh yes, detached sex and not letting my chatch rule my heart.

Sometimes it gets lonely. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to and tell them how my day went. Some days I wake up and wish that I had more to look forward to with my partner than a morning orgasm.

Other days I just want the orgasm.

See, I'm not completely heartless. I do want to find a boyfriend. Hell I'd even like to find a husband before I reach 30. But I'm also aware that pining over one night stands and secret bad boy flings doesn't get me anywhere closer to that pipe dream.

It is brutally obvious that when I'm only in town for 2 weeks, the guy I take home from the bar won't be my soulmate. Hell, even when I'm in town for 2 years that guy still probably isn't the one I want to spend rainy sunday mornings with.

So why, WHY DEAR GOD, am I starting to harbor feelings for a fling?

It's not even a plausible one. It's not like I'm in love with Mr. FancyPants Sebastian and his high school diploma, who at least lives in the same country as me. Nope. I've gone and developed wibbly girly feelings for a guy that lives a world away. I dunno if I should even say which of my escapades I'm referring to because it's just so implausible.

We have nothing in common, we barely ever talk and it's doubtful we'll ever be in the same location for very long.

Yet here I am, sitting up at night, thinking about him.

Someone shoot me, I think I have a crush.

It's just... despite not having anything in common with him and barely ever talking he is the guy that I want to spent rainy sunday mornings with. I think we'd be happy spending a night together where all of our clothes stay on. I believe he'd find my love of water gun fights endearing and sexy.

My day dreams often involve water gun fights.

None of this changes that it's ridiculous and stupid and could never work.

Also this doesn't take into account that, while I do think he enjoyed screwing me, I have no idea if he even sees me like that. I gotta figure out a way to shake this.

No, the answer is not to get over him by getting under someone else. I've already done that. It doesn't work. So if you have any useful advice for me, please send it my way. Because I feel like a right idiot.


Stoopid Vagina


xxKK

THOUGHTS ON DOUBLE STANDARDS

Todays post is going to be a little different than my usual foray into manventures. I was talking this morning to one of my guy friends about his various lady problems and I was giving him some advice about how to drop a summer fling and how to avoid being friend zoned. Somewhere in the mix I said how I would have made such a better man than a girl.

And I do believe that on some level. I always end up hanging out with the guys and I've had way more close guy friends in my life than girl friends. I've always been attracted to the more masculine things in life. I like video games and taking apart electronics and football etc, etc.

And I often lump sex into that.

That's a problem. It's a double standard. I'm basically saying that it's more acceptable for guys to be sexually experienced. And yeah, sometimes I make poor decisions and I don't always have the best judgement when it comes to partners but does that mean I should be looked at as a slut or be given a bad reputation? If I were a guy I might get a little judgement for the quality of ass that I pulled but it wouldn't be seen as slutty or wrong.

How can I agree with that? When did I start letting other people tell me how I should live my life? Do I think I've made mistakes? Yes. Have some of those been sexual? Yes. But in the grand scheme of things does it make me a worse person?

No.

It doesn't. I enjoy sex and in my perfect world I would have a boyfriend who gave it to me regularly but just because I don't have the boyfriend doesn't mean I can't have the sex.

I have regrets but most of those revolve around the times that I've hurt someone. It's not like "oh no! I slept with someone else and am not immoral and slutty and stupid and I hate myself." No. It's usually "oh no... I didn't realize the effect that would have on that person I care about. I feel horrible that I hurt them."

So I'm taking back what I said to my friend this morning. I do still think my life would be easier if I were a man (I mean... no more cramps would be nice) but easier doesn't mean better. And being a girl I get to do things I wouldn't as a man... like give birth or wear high heels or change the double standard that comes with sexual experience.

I'm a girl. One who likes sex and has a lot of it. And I'm a goddamn fucking lady. And I refuse to let anyone, including myself, tell me otherwise.

I'm taking a stand and taking back my sexual identity. This is my body and these are my choices and I'm going to continue to make mistakes but I'm also going to continue enjoying my life and living by my terms.

xxKK