After the whole MainSqueeze thing blew up in my face I vowed that I would never again let my heart live in my vagina.
I admit I've had some set backs in the whole heart in the crotch department. I've grown attached to some of my men over the years but nothing as delusional as that first real man-stake with MainSqueeze.
Now I'd like to say that it's been a wonderful world of detached sex but it's had its ups and downs. I mean on one hand you're already playing the chance game of one night stands but then you also have the bedroom politics. Some men don't like a woman who plays the emotionless sex game. God forbid you scream their names at night then leave without a kiss goodbye in the morning.
But if you ask for a number then you're needy.
Oh sweet jesus let me just bask in the hypocrisy that is men.
I'm getting off track. Where were we? Oh yes, detached sex and not letting my chatch rule my heart.
Sometimes it gets lonely. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to and tell them how my day went. Some days I wake up and wish that I had more to look forward to with my partner than a morning orgasm.
Other days I just want the orgasm.
See, I'm not completely heartless. I do want to find a boyfriend. Hell I'd even like to find a husband before I reach 30. But I'm also aware that pining over one night stands and secret bad boy flings doesn't get me anywhere closer to that pipe dream.
It is brutally obvious that when I'm only in town for 2 weeks, the guy I take home from the bar won't be my soulmate. Hell, even when I'm in town for 2 years that guy still probably isn't the one I want to spend rainy sunday mornings with.
So why, WHY DEAR GOD, am I starting to harbor feelings for a fling?
It's not even a plausible one. It's not like I'm in love with Mr. FancyPants Sebastian and his high school diploma, who at least lives in the same country as me. Nope. I've gone and developed wibbly girly feelings for a guy that lives a world away. I dunno if I should even say which of my escapades I'm referring to because it's just so implausible.
We have nothing in common, we barely ever talk and it's doubtful we'll ever be in the same location for very long.
Yet here I am, sitting up at night, thinking about him.
Someone shoot me, I think I have a crush.
It's just... despite not having anything in common with him and barely ever talking he is the guy that I want to spent rainy sunday mornings with. I think we'd be happy spending a night together where all of our clothes stay on. I believe he'd find my love of water gun fights endearing and sexy.
My day dreams often involve water gun fights.
None of this changes that it's ridiculous and stupid and could never work.
Also this doesn't take into account that, while I do think he enjoyed screwing me, I have no idea if he even sees me like that. I gotta figure out a way to shake this.
No, the answer is not to get over him by getting under someone else. I've already done that. It doesn't work. So if you have any useful advice for me, please send it my way. Because I feel like a right idiot.
Stoopid Vagina
xxKK
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Monday, September 24, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
SETBACKS AND SCREWING AROUND
Which of these should we talk about first? I really want to dive in and get to the good slash mortifying stories of finally having sex again but I supposed I should get the less fun crap off my chest first. I try not to bog down the bloggersphere with woe-is-me/my-life-is-so-hard stories because this is supposed to be a fun blog! Somewhere to chronicle the exciting, mortifying and entertaining parts of my life.
Often this leads to less fun drama which is still, in my opinion, entertaining as a story.
But sometimes, like now, things happen that have no comedic value but need to be told as well because, lets face it, I like to talk about myself. And this shit is real life.
I'm moving to London. When I first realized a few months ago that I had to leave the city that's become home to my heart I was devastated. I cried like a lunatic in the middle of times square as I reconciled myself with the idea that I would be leaving my great job and coworkers, my best friends, my apartment and everything that I considered to be safe.
If you know me you know I don't handle change well. When I go to a restaurant I always order the same things because if I don't pick something that I know I'll like I have actual fits of anxiety. I hate moving, I hate blind dates, I hate being in a room of people I don't know. Hell I can't even walk home via a different route without an extremely good reason. I'm someone who needs routine.
So when I learned that my routine of 5 years was about to, not only change, but be obliterated I was petrified.
I spent so many nights having rambling breakdowns and panic attacks and keeping Lizz from her bed because I couldn't stop talking or else I might combust.
I'm fairly certain that I need some serious drugs for this kind of anxiety.
After about a month I pulled my shit together. I stopped crying in the bathroom at work, stopped playing with the idea that the government would magically rescind their decision and let me stay. I stopped bothering to check my many New York centered coupon sites. And I decided on a new plan.
Where I'm from there is not a lot of film or TV work. And since that's what I've spent 5 years and far too much money learning how to do, I don't plan on stopping. The good news was that both my sister and my best friend from cradle to grave, Ella, were in London for school.
Guess what they have in London... Film and TV.
Jackpot.
Right?
Wrong.
My father decided that since Marie's apartment lease was about to be up and we were both going to need an apartment that we should move in together. Now since my father has graciously absorbed all of my relocation costs I figured I should go along with his plan despite the fact that Marie and I haven't harmoniously lived together for many years now.
Marie is incredibly smart and funny and there was a time when she was my number one choice when going out. We always had a good time and it was always fun. And clearly that was when we were younger and crazier and I know she had to grow up so we don't really do that anymore. Now her priorities line up more with what her boyfriend and her want to do and girl time is sort of pushed aside. Which is fine. I've always been able to entertain myself.
But the part I'm not so fine with is that she's managed to adopt my fathers volatile temper. We can be hanging out all day, no problem and then I'll say a joke or just a turn of phrase that doesn't sit well with her and it's suddenly World War 3.
And it's a definite double standard because the majority of Marie's humor is built around making fun of me or making me look stupid or demeaning me or picking on whichever of the numerous things that upset her about me she feels like. And if I get mad or stand up for myself then she gets mad because it's just a fucking joke and how could I take it so seriously, why do I ruin everything.
I love her and when we're having fun we are unstoppable but sometimes it just feels like everything I do is just ammunition for her to point out how much I suck.
Maybe we're both just too stressed to see how badly we treat each other but it definitely isn't making me any less anxious about what my life in London will be like. I fear that, like right now, I will end up spending the majority of my time locked in my bedroom waiting anxiously for the next fight. That I will no longer be the free outgoing soul I was in New York but just a shell of a person who makes herself smaller to placate others and avoid conflict.
I actually think this is a valid anxiety.
I know that somehow once we are all in London and find an apartment and get jobs and things settling into a routine I will feel more at ease and without this stress Marie and I will get back on track and life will mellow out again. It's just causing me a lot of anxiety right now and I'm not sure when I can get my prescription of Klonopin filled so I'm just hoping that my heart doesn't max out and burst anytime soon.
I'm looking forward to the day I land in London because I will be like "OMG I IZ IN LONDONLAND BITCHEZ" And then there will be 2 weeks of stress and freaking out and I'm sure a million and one fights with Marie and then my Dad comes to visit which means another million fights.
But then I'm looking forward to the after.
The moment that I've figured out my routine and schedule and I have my bed set up and my boxes unpacked and I feel grounded. Then I have to believe that the fights will subside and that life will become something fun and interesting again.
And at that moment I will post a million photos of me doing stuff in London and I'll be "ZOMG I LOVE IT HERE."
Thats what I have to keep thinking about. The upside.
Just keep thinking about the upside.
Okay I've gone on for quite a bit about the setbacks so maybe I'll save the screwing around for the next post.
Love y'all
xxKK
Often this leads to less fun drama which is still, in my opinion, entertaining as a story.
But sometimes, like now, things happen that have no comedic value but need to be told as well because, lets face it, I like to talk about myself. And this shit is real life.
I'm moving to London. When I first realized a few months ago that I had to leave the city that's become home to my heart I was devastated. I cried like a lunatic in the middle of times square as I reconciled myself with the idea that I would be leaving my great job and coworkers, my best friends, my apartment and everything that I considered to be safe.
If you know me you know I don't handle change well. When I go to a restaurant I always order the same things because if I don't pick something that I know I'll like I have actual fits of anxiety. I hate moving, I hate blind dates, I hate being in a room of people I don't know. Hell I can't even walk home via a different route without an extremely good reason. I'm someone who needs routine.
So when I learned that my routine of 5 years was about to, not only change, but be obliterated I was petrified.
I spent so many nights having rambling breakdowns and panic attacks and keeping Lizz from her bed because I couldn't stop talking or else I might combust.
I'm fairly certain that I need some serious drugs for this kind of anxiety.
After about a month I pulled my shit together. I stopped crying in the bathroom at work, stopped playing with the idea that the government would magically rescind their decision and let me stay. I stopped bothering to check my many New York centered coupon sites. And I decided on a new plan.
Where I'm from there is not a lot of film or TV work. And since that's what I've spent 5 years and far too much money learning how to do, I don't plan on stopping. The good news was that both my sister and my best friend from cradle to grave, Ella, were in London for school.
Guess what they have in London... Film and TV.
Jackpot.
Right?
Wrong.
My father decided that since Marie's apartment lease was about to be up and we were both going to need an apartment that we should move in together. Now since my father has graciously absorbed all of my relocation costs I figured I should go along with his plan despite the fact that Marie and I haven't harmoniously lived together for many years now.
Marie is incredibly smart and funny and there was a time when she was my number one choice when going out. We always had a good time and it was always fun. And clearly that was when we were younger and crazier and I know she had to grow up so we don't really do that anymore. Now her priorities line up more with what her boyfriend and her want to do and girl time is sort of pushed aside. Which is fine. I've always been able to entertain myself.
But the part I'm not so fine with is that she's managed to adopt my fathers volatile temper. We can be hanging out all day, no problem and then I'll say a joke or just a turn of phrase that doesn't sit well with her and it's suddenly World War 3.
And it's a definite double standard because the majority of Marie's humor is built around making fun of me or making me look stupid or demeaning me or picking on whichever of the numerous things that upset her about me she feels like. And if I get mad or stand up for myself then she gets mad because it's just a fucking joke and how could I take it so seriously, why do I ruin everything.
I love her and when we're having fun we are unstoppable but sometimes it just feels like everything I do is just ammunition for her to point out how much I suck.
Maybe we're both just too stressed to see how badly we treat each other but it definitely isn't making me any less anxious about what my life in London will be like. I fear that, like right now, I will end up spending the majority of my time locked in my bedroom waiting anxiously for the next fight. That I will no longer be the free outgoing soul I was in New York but just a shell of a person who makes herself smaller to placate others and avoid conflict.
I actually think this is a valid anxiety.
I know that somehow once we are all in London and find an apartment and get jobs and things settling into a routine I will feel more at ease and without this stress Marie and I will get back on track and life will mellow out again. It's just causing me a lot of anxiety right now and I'm not sure when I can get my prescription of Klonopin filled so I'm just hoping that my heart doesn't max out and burst anytime soon.
I'm looking forward to the day I land in London because I will be like "OMG I IZ IN LONDONLAND BITCHEZ" And then there will be 2 weeks of stress and freaking out and I'm sure a million and one fights with Marie and then my Dad comes to visit which means another million fights.
But then I'm looking forward to the after.
The moment that I've figured out my routine and schedule and I have my bed set up and my boxes unpacked and I feel grounded. Then I have to believe that the fights will subside and that life will become something fun and interesting again.
And at that moment I will post a million photos of me doing stuff in London and I'll be "ZOMG I LOVE IT HERE."
Thats what I have to keep thinking about. The upside.
Just keep thinking about the upside.
Okay I've gone on for quite a bit about the setbacks so maybe I'll save the screwing around for the next post.
Love y'all
xxKK
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
SO ABOUT HOW I'M HATABLE....
So since I've been back I've been working at rekindling my friendships with various hometown buddies.
Getting my girlfriends back, my tan back, my drink back and my boys back.
Including Ninja. Because despite all the twisty turn-y angst that that boy has caused my soul I still consider him a good friend. Like at the heart of the issue all I want is for him to be happy. Happy with his wife, as painful as that may some times be, is still happy. So I support that. And I support him. Isn't that enough?
Well so far it seemed to be going pretty good. We've been texting - back to the usual sarcastic banter etc.
So then I run into him on friday night after I'd had a few drinks. And when I drink I'm friendly. And he and I are friends so I was friendly.
But not like... overly. Just friendly.
And I'm dancing with his friends and joking with everyone and having an awesome time and he's joking with me and gives me hugs and playfully pinching me and it's just a fun night. And I leave pretty early and everything seems great. I didn't flirt, I didn't do anything inappropriate. I just had an awesome night with one of my best friends.
So cut to a week later - why is it that when I run into him and Tori at a street fair he doesn't even stop to speak? Like.. I say hello and slow down and he just keeps walking.
She didn't even acknowledge that I was there.
Like... what the hell?
We're either friends or we aren't and if we aren't then lets just stop. Because I can't do this shit. I honestly can't. I'm so sick of being someones secret.
First it was Ninja, then Main Squeeze, then I dunno... every fucking boy I've ever been with.
This sucks.
And then I come home and bemoan my woes to Marie and she pretty much makes it clear that despite my good intentions (my words, not hers) I'm still wrong.
Because at the end of the day Ninja is married. And I'm just a blimp from his past. And Tori has a reason to hate me. I'm hatable. There is someone who actively hates me.
And I deserve it.
According to Marie if I were any kind of decent I would just walk away from Ninja and never look back. No more texting, no more talking, no more hanging out. Just get rid of the friendship. But I'm clearly not decent. I'm clearly a shitty fucking hatable person.
She's right. I should just resign myself to the fact that even if all I want is for him to be happy that I'm still the adulterous cunt in this situation. I've fucked up too much. I'm a fuck up.
Ugh I didn't mean for this to turn into a pity party. Just makes me sad. Because I'm either a bitch and friends with him or sad without him.
Off to bed.
xxKK
Friday, January 13, 2012
WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GOOD?
The last time we spoke I was all ooh yay! happy shiny bright and a motherfucking sunshine out my ass.
Clearly... this is not the case today.
And it's not that I've given up on the life of positivity that I had planned out it's just that it's like the whole world is on my ass today.
Okay that's over dramatic.
But I've had a stressful few days at work due to so many phone calls and trying to make big girl decisions and being trusted to make said decisions despite the fact that I'm only 22 freaking years old and I'm kinnnnd of freaking out about this whole thing.
So as my new work friends and Liz can attest... I've been a little.. moody/bitchy/sad/stressed/angry/snacky/snarky/just plain mean... for the past 3 days.
This was not helped by the drama of family and friends.
Or the fact that it's been a year since I spent time with Marie and I miss the shit out of her.
Or the fact that I feel like I don't get enough sleep and when I do sleep I wake up sore. Or the...
...you get the point...
And then on top of it all for the second day in a row Will pops up on facebook just to say hi. ]
Like... says hi, asks what's up and then... nothing. Like... you avoiding having to see or really talk to me while I was home, you didn't answer my texts and you blow me off all the time. And then you want to just say hi? Like go away... be my friend or don't be my friend. And those are the only options now because honestly I'm not interested in playing the "I have a girlfriend but I want to flirt with you" game anymore. I've played it too much. I'm a goddamn master at it. It's not fun anymore.
Ugh maybe I'm just bitchy.. maybe I shouldn't be allowed to have nice people, who just say hi because they want to, in my life.
Maybe I need a drink. Or just some sleep.
Maybe this is just a rush of messy emotions and feelings because my period is just around the riverbend. I mean... I cried during Jersey Shore tonight.. clearly something is not right with me.
Alright... I have a super busy day tomorrow so I'm gonna get some shut eye but I hope you're all out there sending me some good juju so I can get outta the funk and back onto my annoyingly positive horse.
xxKK
Clearly... this is not the case today.
And it's not that I've given up on the life of positivity that I had planned out it's just that it's like the whole world is on my ass today.
Okay that's over dramatic.
But I've had a stressful few days at work due to so many phone calls and trying to make big girl decisions and being trusted to make said decisions despite the fact that I'm only 22 freaking years old and I'm kinnnnd of freaking out about this whole thing.
So as my new work friends and Liz can attest... I've been a little.. moody/bitchy/sad/stressed/angry/snacky/snarky/just plain mean... for the past 3 days.
This was not helped by the drama of family and friends.
Or the fact that it's been a year since I spent time with Marie and I miss the shit out of her.
Or the fact that I feel like I don't get enough sleep and when I do sleep I wake up sore. Or the...
...you get the point...
And then on top of it all for the second day in a row Will pops up on facebook just to say hi. ]
Like... says hi, asks what's up and then... nothing. Like... you avoiding having to see or really talk to me while I was home, you didn't answer my texts and you blow me off all the time. And then you want to just say hi? Like go away... be my friend or don't be my friend. And those are the only options now because honestly I'm not interested in playing the "I have a girlfriend but I want to flirt with you" game anymore. I've played it too much. I'm a goddamn master at it. It's not fun anymore.
Ugh maybe I'm just bitchy.. maybe I shouldn't be allowed to have nice people, who just say hi because they want to, in my life.
Maybe I need a drink. Or just some sleep.
Maybe this is just a rush of messy emotions and feelings because my period is just around the riverbend. I mean... I cried during Jersey Shore tonight.. clearly something is not right with me.
Alright... I have a super busy day tomorrow so I'm gonna get some shut eye but I hope you're all out there sending me some good juju so I can get outta the funk and back onto my annoyingly positive horse.
xxKK
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