SO ABOUT HOW I'M HATABLE....

So since I've been back I've been working at rekindling my friendships with various hometown buddies.

Getting my girlfriends back, my tan back, my drink back and my boys back.

Including Ninja. Because despite all the twisty turn-y angst that that boy has caused my soul I still consider him a good friend. Like at the heart of the issue all I want is for him to be happy. Happy with his wife, as painful as that may some times be, is still happy. So I support that. And I support him. Isn't that enough? 

Well so far it seemed to be going pretty good. We've been texting - back to the usual sarcastic banter etc. 

So then I run into him on friday night after I'd had a few drinks. And when I drink I'm friendly. And he and I are friends so I was friendly. 

But not like... overly. Just friendly. 

And I'm dancing with his friends and joking with everyone and having an awesome time and he's joking with me and gives me hugs and playfully pinching me and it's just a fun night. And I leave pretty early and everything seems great. I didn't flirt, I didn't do anything inappropriate. I just had an awesome night with one of my best friends. 

So cut to a week later - why is it that when I run into him and Tori at a street fair he doesn't even stop to speak? Like.. I say hello and slow down and he just keeps walking.

She didn't even acknowledge that I was there.

Like... what the hell? 

We're either friends or we aren't and if we aren't then lets just stop. Because I can't do this shit. I honestly can't. I'm so sick of being someones secret. 

First it was Ninja, then Main Squeeze, then I dunno... every fucking boy I've ever been with. 

This sucks. 

And then I come home and bemoan my woes to Marie and she pretty much makes it clear that despite my good intentions (my words, not hers) I'm still wrong. 

Because at the end of the day Ninja is married. And I'm just a blimp from his past. And Tori has a reason to hate me. I'm hatable. There is someone who actively hates me.

And I deserve it. 

According to Marie if I were any kind of decent I would just walk away from Ninja and never look back. No more texting, no more talking, no more hanging out. Just get rid of the friendship. But I'm clearly not decent. I'm clearly a shitty fucking hatable person. 

She's right. I should just resign myself to the fact that even if all I want is for him to be happy that I'm still the adulterous cunt in this situation. I've fucked up too much. I'm a fuck up. 

Ugh I didn't mean for this to turn into a pity party. Just makes me sad. Because I'm either a bitch and friends with him or sad without him. 

Off to bed. 

xxKK