THE NINJA THAT SNUCK UP AND STOLE MY HEART

So someone just walked back into my life.  Someone who used to be really really important to me.

Let's call him Ninja.

Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever.  And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.

Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time.  Ninja was one of my friends at the time.  We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups.  But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.

Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.

Something wonderful.

I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.

Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.

I loved him.

Like... a lot.  But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....

Because that makes sense...

Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together.  Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day.  I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours.  In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.

Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.

He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.

The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking.  Talking three hours a night, every night, for months.  I rarely slept.  Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.

Conversations came to a halt.

Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.

Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.

Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook.  So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.

Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"

....

Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.

And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.

BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.

And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him.  We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him.  A lot.

So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing.  Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...

I am way over thinking this.

But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.

Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.

It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.

Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...

God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....



Don't judge me for saying that.  I'm just being honest.

But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me.  But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost.  Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.

xxKK