So ever since he roundhouse kicked his way back into my heart Ninja has been a ball of confusion. We talked for two days straight for hours on end. We talked about what we've been up to, how scary/exciting graduation will be, what we're planning on doing after said graduation, his upcoming wedding to Tori, their potential offspring, whether we should have to give up our dreams for the people who are important to us. And then I grew some lady balls (but only because Siobhan made me) and I asked him why he had contacted me.
The answer was thoroughly underwhelming... He just noticed I was missing from his facebook and wanted to know why.
That's it.
No ground breaking love story. No desire to see what I was up to and if he still had a chance. Just a random encounter and god given curiosity.
MugWug was right... Ninja doesn't still love me he's just a decent human being who was being nice.
But that doesn't stop me from dreaming. You see he never actually said that he loves his bride to be. He said that choosing between her and his dreams was extremely difficult because since she had been in his life so long she had become important to him. They've been together for almost 8 years and he can't say that he chose her because he loves her? I mean... he was willing to leave her for me after 4 years with her and 4 days with me. He told me he loved me before we'd ever even kissed.
This is a bad bad road I'm going down.
Mina and Coley, who have never been mentioned because we don't get into very much trouble together but who do know me well and spend far too much time with me, are happily plotting my breaking up of his engagement. They're convinced I should be actively pursuing him despite the ring he put on Tori. And boy am I tempted. But I'm not.
Partly because I want him to choose me without prompting. I don't want to break them up I just want to be there when they do break up....
I want him to be happy. Don't get me wrong. I love him, still.. four years later I know I love him, but I love him so much that I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. So, yes, I want him to leave her for me. But more importantly I want him to leave her because he doesn't seem to be happy... And if I'm wrong... if he really really is happy with her then I wish him all the best and I'll quietly dream of an alternative world where he says "I don't" and comes back to me.
Ugh let me stop thinking about this and go do some real work. The kind of work that is giving me a 24-7 headache and stealing all my sleeping time away from me.
xxKK
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Bullshit he just noticed you gone. What a load of crap!
ReplyDeleteWanna know how many phone calls I've gotten from every person I deleted of facey or deleted me? Ziltch (except one - which is how I know the following): He totally wants you but doesn't have the balls to do anything about it.
The easy option is just so much easier to take - sounds like he's in too deep with Queen Bitch Royale and too gutless to walk away.
Whatchya gonna do?
Poor Kitty :(
I'm considering just telling him I still love him and let him make his decision knowing the full story. My friends Shiv and Ben think I should tell him but MugWug said that I should just leave it alone.
ReplyDeleteStill not sure what I think.
He's not kept in constant contact but ever since we reconnected he keeps popping up from time to time.
He doesn't really seem happy and that makes me sad. But then again I don't want to assume that and be wrong and just mess shit up for him. Ugh need to do some soul searching.
You can't leave it alone or it'll eat you alive always wondering... and once he's actually married any glimmer of hope that's keeping your dreams afloat is well and truly dead.
ReplyDeleteI dont know about you but I usually need to kill a situation and drag it through the mud before I can ever leave it alone - but that's just me...
For me, when it comes to relationships until they're a mess it's just not something I can walk away from.
You never know, something beautiful could come out of it for you two or something terribly horribly awkward. Either way it's closure right???
Oh I hope you can figure it out huni xox