This is a... brief... list of skills/knowledge that I've acquired since moving to New York.
1) walking and eating anything. Literally anything. I'm not just talking about your run of the mill pizza on the go or sandwich on the subway. I'm talking about some seriously complicated cusine. Like soup on the sidewalk, froyo on the FDR and nachos... well I can't think of any alliteration for nachos but seriously do you know how hard it is to juggle walking in manhattan and eating nachos?
2) Texting an walking. Now usually I hate this. But only on other people. See... I have developed what can only be described as a bat-like sonar. I can dodge any crowd of drunken Knicks fans and still not misspell debauchery. (a word I often need to use)
3) Being drunk and walking. Are you sensing a theme? You see... in New York you must be a stellar walker. And being drunk is often a must. So learning to stumble home in 5 inch heels without help and without falling on your ass. Hell you can get get chlamydia from the streets of new york...
4) Fake flowers are a lazy girls best friend. I like the plastic yellow hydrangeas that are in my bathroom. They brighten up the place and add some privacy from nosy neighbors. And I never need to water them. It's win-win-win.
5) Never underestimate the power of a bouncer. Make good friends with bouncers. I have gotten so many awesome things from my security friendships. Everything from getting douchebags thrown out to free shots to that one time that I sent bobby on a wild goose chase to find my glasses. (they were on the bar)
6) One night stands are never as fun as you think they'll be. One week stands are much better.
7) Starbucks gives $0.54 refills for any size iced black coffee or tea. This knowledge is golden.
8) 100 calorie packs don't really count as a diet snack if you eat 3 of them in a row.
9) It always good to have multiple delis nearby. That way when you need your second hangover sandwich & powerade combo you don't have to face the same people twice. Such judgement can be rough the morning after a night of tequilla shots.
10) Never underestimate good friends.
11) Or friends who can drive (moving anyone?)
12) I have a thing for guys with blue eyes.. (okay technically this has nothing to do with NY but I realized it while I've been here and it's kind of scary how many blue eyed wonders I've fallen for -> Charlie, PBA, Ninja, Main Squeeze, Will, Ken, Dr. C, 3 one night stands and a cop named Damien.... okay a few of those weren't exactly "fallen for" worthy but still. Thats a looooot of blue eyes.)
13) When I start yawning it's time for bed... oh wait.. that's now.
To be continued...
xxKK
Monday, April 30, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING (A BREAKDOWN)
As someone who has experienced a range of breakdowns....
( including, but not limited to:
1) I lost my wallet and someone charged $23 dollars at mcdonalds
2) drunk friend threw up on my suede shoes
3) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles aren't real
4) boyfriend emailed his sister about how much he doesn't love me and left his email open on my computer so I read it on my birthday.
5) dealing 2 years of grief primarily with cheap booze and easy men
6) losing my blackberry. This is remarkably high on the seriousness level.
)
...I feel that I have a pretty good handle on them and thus am a perfect person to be the new officially unofficial leading expert on the pros and cons of having a minor to severe nervous breakdown.
PRO: This is the perfect time to break out all of the overly dramatic phrases you never get to use.
"I'll never be happy again!"
"That skirt was the key to my happiness!"
"You will rue the day that you crossed [insert your full, potentially dramatically enhanced, name]
CON: People might start hiding the knives
PRO: You won't ever be expected to slice your own tomatoes again!
CON: The endless, simultaneous hysterical laughing and crying can get really tiring.
PRO: No-one will be able to judge you if you run around naked and sobbing
CON: This may lead to you thinking it is always acceptable to run around naked and sobbing.
"Officer, it's fine. My roommate told me it's totally acceptable to run around naked... I'm having a breakdown!" -ARRESTED-
PRO: You can lay in bed for hours upon hours and instead of calling you lazy people will probably tell you everything is alright and even bring you snacks and entertainment.
CON: You might have to sleep without sheets when people remove them for fear of you hanging yourself.
PRO: Definite potential legal drug use.
CON: No one will find your witty jokes about how much homework makes you want to kill yourself funny anymore.
"Someone get the bathtub ready... when I'm done reading this chapter I'll be paper cutting myself to death."
If you don't get the bathtub joke then... maybe you shouldn't be reading this blog. Clearly you're too normal and adjusted.
PRO: Sometimes breakdowns lead to important revelations about yourself
I don't really need a man to be happy.
CON: Which sometimes lead to another breakdown..
which is good because no one will ever love me again...
If you are in the midst of experiencing a nervous breakdown there are a few tips I have found helpful:
DO -
- wear pants. despite your strongest urges. no one respects an argument made by a pantsless person.
- avoid ice cream. Ben & Jerrys now makes frozen greek yogurt so, while they probably are both just as bad for you, you won't feel like a total fat ass slob after devouring a whole pint.
- have a stuffed animal. 1) they never talk back or tell you it's all in your head 2) they're huggable and 3) it's hard to stay that upset when you have a soft fluffy thing to soak up your tears. It's like a pet. Except it always loves you and won't ever pee on your rug.
- listen to Josh Groban. First you'll be all I CRY ALL OF THE TEARS! And then you'll realize how douchey and ridiculous the music is and you'll be like ROFL, douchebaggery.
- Eat. You're probably hungry.
- Bathe. You're probably dirty.
- Call someone you rarely talk to. They'll already be so freaked out that you even called them that they won't think it's that weird that you're having a breakdown. I usually pick my Dad.
Later when they ask you can say you were drunk and playing blackout truth or dare.
DONT -
- listen to the OneRepublic station on pandora. If you didn't want leap off your balcony in a white flowing dress before, you will after. Stick to pop of the 90s, Josh Groban and TLC. And remember than the majority of jumpers end up paralyzed, not dead.
- listen to, hum or sing any of Matchbox Twenty's "Unwell."
- say/scream/write "I'M NOT INSANE!!!!"
Most importantly.. don't do anything stupid. Much like the world mourns dinosaurs and the lost city of Atlantis, your friends, family and people you don't even realize love you would be devastated if you were gone. Family has a genetic inability to stop loving you (lucky!) - Friends have chosen you (wow you must be pretty special) - somebody out there is definitely fantasizing about you (think about how hot you must be and disregard the awkwardness of someone masturbating to you) and, despite how horrible the world can be and how mean people can be, there is definitely at least one person who can't get you off their mind.
And remember, people don't remember the ordinary. No one says Wow.. I just love how that painting is exactly like every other painting. Weird is Wonderful. Unique is the only way to be. Crazy is the new Cool.
So go forth. Prosper. Make smiles and laughter and witty jokes about death that people won't take the wrong way.
Be happy. Stay crazy.
And get some sleep because 99% of my breakdowns occur after a night of unrest.
I find a nightcap of Everclear and an orgasm to be quite helpful in putting me to sleep.
I find a nightcap of Everclear and an orgasm to be quite helpful in putting me to sleep.
xxKK
p.s. a special thanks goes out to Lizz and NP who have both seen first hand how manic I can be yet still love me. If I can get away with singing a never ending song narrating everything I do and everything I think (from I need to peeeeeee to I want to hang myself up with a rope made of hair) I'm pretty sure you're in the clear.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
A PLOT IS HATCHED
I just want you all to know that as I write this I am sitting on my couch next to a giant stuffed ducky and wearing a pair of bunny ears.
Alone.
Happy Fucking Easter.
I haven't even eaten any chocolate today. Sad times. But I'm going to pretend that it's still really fucking awesome. Because I'm here. And I'm awesome.
Clearly.
ANYWAYS. I didn't come here to talk about how I pretty much spent the whole day alone (on easter) and that the only easter treats I got were ones I bought myself. But enough about that.
Last time we spoke I was telling you that I had finally conquered the conquest that is PBA.
Well after that wondrous foray into the unknown I decided upon a course of action. You see. Before PBA and I were all sexy friends and whatnot we sort of, I dunno, liked each other. And after having sex with him and then sitting up for hours talking I realized... I might still like him. Like... we have fun. And he gets my humor. And he never gets insulted when I fuck with him. He likes it when I fuck him. And he legitimately makes me happy. He seems to give a shit. Like... he cares when I'm upset.
So. This makes me think. I could like him. Really like him. And if I can like him the way I used to maybe a little bit of the space in my heart that's filled with Ninja can get hollowed out and then filled up with PBA! And then I can start to work on loving someone who isn't married and doesn't make me obsess, cry and literally pull my hair out on a regular basis.
This sounds stupid.
And like a dumb girl idea.
But I swear I have good intentions.
1) no more lusting after married men. (score for karma!)
2) new lusting after a man who makes me happy.
3) said new man is actually a plausible (albeit unlikely) match.
I'm probably going home for summer which gives me 3 months. 3 months in which for once we will (probably) both be single and in the same place. And maaaaybe he'd want to join me in a little experiment I'd like to call "Maybe Kitty Can Be Happy."
Ugh who knows.
Lets be honest. The guy already got the good part of the package why would he want all that messy exclusivity and monogamy? Ugh
I guess we shall see.
I'll come up with something funny for y'all laters but that's all for now.
Enjoy your easter goodies and don't get too much of a belly ache!
xxKK
Alone.
Happy Fucking Easter.
I haven't even eaten any chocolate today. Sad times. But I'm going to pretend that it's still really fucking awesome. Because I'm here. And I'm awesome.
Clearly.
ANYWAYS. I didn't come here to talk about how I pretty much spent the whole day alone (on easter) and that the only easter treats I got were ones I bought myself. But enough about that.
Last time we spoke I was telling you that I had finally conquered the conquest that is PBA.
Well after that wondrous foray into the unknown I decided upon a course of action. You see. Before PBA and I were all sexy friends and whatnot we sort of, I dunno, liked each other. And after having sex with him and then sitting up for hours talking I realized... I might still like him. Like... we have fun. And he gets my humor. And he never gets insulted when I fuck with him. He likes it when I fuck him. And he legitimately makes me happy. He seems to give a shit. Like... he cares when I'm upset.
So. This makes me think. I could like him. Really like him. And if I can like him the way I used to maybe a little bit of the space in my heart that's filled with Ninja can get hollowed out and then filled up with PBA! And then I can start to work on loving someone who isn't married and doesn't make me obsess, cry and literally pull my hair out on a regular basis.
This sounds stupid.
And like a dumb girl idea.
But I swear I have good intentions.
1) no more lusting after married men. (score for karma!)
2) new lusting after a man who makes me happy.
3) said new man is actually a plausible (albeit unlikely) match.
I'm probably going home for summer which gives me 3 months. 3 months in which for once we will (probably) both be single and in the same place. And maaaaybe he'd want to join me in a little experiment I'd like to call "Maybe Kitty Can Be Happy."
Ugh who knows.
Lets be honest. The guy already got the good part of the package why would he want all that messy exclusivity and monogamy? Ugh
I guess we shall see.
I'll come up with something funny for y'all laters but that's all for now.
Enjoy your easter goodies and don't get too much of a belly ache!
xxKK
Thursday, April 5, 2012
PLAYTIME WITH PBA
Well.. We might need a new nickname for PBA.
At first the nickname discribed our intended relationship. And when that relationship idea failed it was left to brand him as the little slut of a tease that he was.
But now we've hooked up.
Thats right! Bring on the applause! After months, nay, YEARS of waiting for him to follow up on his promises of sexcapades I finally nailed the illusive PBA.
Okay but lets back up. 1) I want to set the scene for you guys... can't just jump to the main event! Like a fine wine this shit deserves some time and appreciation. 2) Right now I know you little deviants are imagining some sexy tryst with hand cuffs and duct tape and whipped cream... (or is that just me?)... but instead this was actually kind of romantic and wonderful.
So something I don't think I've really told you about PBA is that we've actually had a semi romantic relationship in the past. It wasn't always about getting laid. We used to say that if we were ever single and together that we could make it work. And in the years that have come since then we've seen each other less, talked less and become more of... sex friends.
Who never have sex.
Until I showed up at a party this weekend and, like a knight in a shining grey suit, he was standing there in a perfect halo of light.
Fucking flood lights are cool, man.
Anyways. I had known in advance that he'd probably be there (don't worry this wasn't Ninja at a bar part 2) but I wasn't expecting him to look so damn sexy. He was rolling classy in sexy pressed jeans, a button down and a sweet suit jacket. Mmm. Barney from HIMYM is right... a man in a suit (even just the jacket) is a sexy beast of a man.
So I give him a a hug and make sure to step into the light so he can appreciate how sexy I look (and damn... I looked sexxxxy)
And then, as to not be a clingy desperate stalker, I venture off to the party.
We'll about 5 minutes in I realize that I don't know anyone except PBA and my two friends, who were supposed to be my rides and are now getting waaaasted.
Well, shit.
Decide that maybe drinking is a bad idea since I might be attempting to drink a car for the first time in 2 years or walking home. Grab a water and take up a post watching these strangers get more wasted than freshmen at frat rush.
PBA comes and grabs some couch with me. And in one part of my mine I'm like OMG I'M GOING TO TO TOTALLY HAVE SEXY TIME WITH HIM AT LAST.
But in the other side I realize that it's actually really great catching up with him. We spend a few hours just talking about everything from work to... well actually just work because we're both so busy. And as we're talking we're getting closer and closer and I'm letting my "I don't need to show physical affection because I'm too cool for emotions" facade fall and I'm touching his arm (a clear sign of affection) and playing with my hair (flirting 101) and he, instead of rejecting this like I expect, puts his arm around me and suddenly we're snuggling.
IN PUBLIC.
I know this sounds weird, but do you guys understand how amazing that is?
To have a sober cuddle session in public?! (he was sober too)
It's something that I can't remember happening since... since Charlie. That's a long time. A long time indeed...
So we're cuddling and it's late and he tells me he has to go because he has to be up really early. So that's a downer. But he offers me a right home... which I guess is something. Better than car theft or walking.
So he's driving me home and I keep hoping that he runs out of gas or something so that I can spend more time with him.
Who the fuck am I??? What are all these emotions?
BAD EMOTIONS. GET BACK IN YO' CAVE.
Anyways he starts slowing down as he gets into my lane and I realize he doesn't want to drop me off.
It's like all of my 12 year old drams come true.
So he drives past my driveway. Goes to the little circle at the end of the lane to turn around but instead just turns off the car. And so we start talking some more. And then it happens. He lets go of my hand (oh yeah, he was holding my hand) and reaches over and kisses me.
And I wish that I could say I stayed calm and classy but I pretty much jumped onto him. I was just so excited that it was happening! And so we made out for quite some time. Then he tells me, with a sad face, that he didn't bring a condom.
SLUTSOMATIC TO THE RESCUE.
I just happened to have my extra thin sensitive Durex on me.
Safe Sex FTW.
We climb into the back seat (oh yeah, keep in mind that we're in a jeep right now... how sweet valley high, right?) And we get down to it. And I forgot how awkward it is to have sex in a car! We fumbled for a while before getting into a groove.
Into a glorious groove.
Where I may, or may not, have said "Oh my god, I'm having sex with PBA"
...I would be more embarrassed but apparently he truly enjoyed that little exclamation...
And then he sort of threw out his back. (yeah... it was that kind of sex)
So that sort of stopped the action for a while. But while we took a break and hung out naked in the back seat. He gave me a back rub (which is pretty much my favorite thing ever) and we talked about our lives and about our hopes, dreams and worries.
Yes. It was that kind of sappy lovey thing.
And it was beautiful.
We just hung out and were happy together. Haven't felt that way in a long time.
So after a few hours of hanging out (after he had said he had to be home so much earlier) we finally decide to clamber back into the front seat and get dressed. At this point I realized I'm on the edge of a second post-sex breakdown and I try to post pone him leaving for so long. After an extra hour I realize that it's officially ridiculous. It's almost 6am... the time he was supposed to be waking up. So I let him drop me off and I, semi tearfully say goodbye.
But unlike with Ken this time I was sad because I really might like this guy.
For once I felt happy with a guy and I didn't have to be drunk or secretive or anything. It was just naturally wonderful.
And the sex was amazing.
So I guess that's something to be thinking about.. Ugh speaking of late it's late now I need to sleep but there's one last bit to this story so keep your eyes on the horizon for the last bit of vacation gossip.
xxKK
At first the nickname discribed our intended relationship. And when that relationship idea failed it was left to brand him as the little slut of a tease that he was.
But now we've hooked up.
Thats right! Bring on the applause! After months, nay, YEARS of waiting for him to follow up on his promises of sexcapades I finally nailed the illusive PBA.
Okay but lets back up. 1) I want to set the scene for you guys... can't just jump to the main event! Like a fine wine this shit deserves some time and appreciation. 2) Right now I know you little deviants are imagining some sexy tryst with hand cuffs and duct tape and whipped cream... (or is that just me?)... but instead this was actually kind of romantic and wonderful.
So something I don't think I've really told you about PBA is that we've actually had a semi romantic relationship in the past. It wasn't always about getting laid. We used to say that if we were ever single and together that we could make it work. And in the years that have come since then we've seen each other less, talked less and become more of... sex friends.
Who never have sex.
Until I showed up at a party this weekend and, like a knight in a shining grey suit, he was standing there in a perfect halo of light.
Fucking flood lights are cool, man.
Anyways. I had known in advance that he'd probably be there (don't worry this wasn't Ninja at a bar part 2) but I wasn't expecting him to look so damn sexy. He was rolling classy in sexy pressed jeans, a button down and a sweet suit jacket. Mmm. Barney from HIMYM is right... a man in a suit (even just the jacket) is a sexy beast of a man.
So I give him a a hug and make sure to step into the light so he can appreciate how sexy I look (and damn... I looked sexxxxy)
And then, as to not be a clingy desperate stalker, I venture off to the party.
We'll about 5 minutes in I realize that I don't know anyone except PBA and my two friends, who were supposed to be my rides and are now getting waaaasted.
Well, shit.
Decide that maybe drinking is a bad idea since I might be attempting to drink a car for the first time in 2 years or walking home. Grab a water and take up a post watching these strangers get more wasted than freshmen at frat rush.
PBA comes and grabs some couch with me. And in one part of my mine I'm like OMG I'M GOING TO TO TOTALLY HAVE SEXY TIME WITH HIM AT LAST.
But in the other side I realize that it's actually really great catching up with him. We spend a few hours just talking about everything from work to... well actually just work because we're both so busy. And as we're talking we're getting closer and closer and I'm letting my "I don't need to show physical affection because I'm too cool for emotions" facade fall and I'm touching his arm (a clear sign of affection) and playing with my hair (flirting 101) and he, instead of rejecting this like I expect, puts his arm around me and suddenly we're snuggling.
IN PUBLIC.
I know this sounds weird, but do you guys understand how amazing that is?
To have a sober cuddle session in public?! (he was sober too)
It's something that I can't remember happening since... since Charlie. That's a long time. A long time indeed...
So we're cuddling and it's late and he tells me he has to go because he has to be up really early. So that's a downer. But he offers me a right home... which I guess is something. Better than car theft or walking.
So he's driving me home and I keep hoping that he runs out of gas or something so that I can spend more time with him.
Who the fuck am I??? What are all these emotions?
BAD EMOTIONS. GET BACK IN YO' CAVE.
Anyways he starts slowing down as he gets into my lane and I realize he doesn't want to drop me off.
It's like all of my 12 year old drams come true.
So he drives past my driveway. Goes to the little circle at the end of the lane to turn around but instead just turns off the car. And so we start talking some more. And then it happens. He lets go of my hand (oh yeah, he was holding my hand) and reaches over and kisses me.
And I wish that I could say I stayed calm and classy but I pretty much jumped onto him. I was just so excited that it was happening! And so we made out for quite some time. Then he tells me, with a sad face, that he didn't bring a condom.
SLUTSOMATIC TO THE RESCUE.
I just happened to have my extra thin sensitive Durex on me.
Safe Sex FTW.
We climb into the back seat (oh yeah, keep in mind that we're in a jeep right now... how sweet valley high, right?) And we get down to it. And I forgot how awkward it is to have sex in a car! We fumbled for a while before getting into a groove.
Into a glorious groove.
Where I may, or may not, have said "Oh my god, I'm having sex with PBA"
...I would be more embarrassed but apparently he truly enjoyed that little exclamation...
And then he sort of threw out his back. (yeah... it was that kind of sex)
So that sort of stopped the action for a while. But while we took a break and hung out naked in the back seat. He gave me a back rub (which is pretty much my favorite thing ever) and we talked about our lives and about our hopes, dreams and worries.
Yes. It was that kind of sappy lovey thing.
And it was beautiful.
We just hung out and were happy together. Haven't felt that way in a long time.
So after a few hours of hanging out (after he had said he had to be home so much earlier) we finally decide to clamber back into the front seat and get dressed. At this point I realized I'm on the edge of a second post-sex breakdown and I try to post pone him leaving for so long. After an extra hour I realize that it's officially ridiculous. It's almost 6am... the time he was supposed to be waking up. So I let him drop me off and I, semi tearfully say goodbye.
But unlike with Ken this time I was sad because I really might like this guy.
For once I felt happy with a guy and I didn't have to be drunk or secretive or anything. It was just naturally wonderful.
And the sex was amazing.
So I guess that's something to be thinking about.. Ugh speaking of late it's late now I need to sleep but there's one last bit to this story so keep your eyes on the horizon for the last bit of vacation gossip.
xxKK
Monday, April 2, 2012
WEEKEND GETAWAY / THE POST-SEX BREAKDOWN THAT WAS
I promise that I will tell you the rest of the Niko story soon but if I try to write this blog in a strictly chronological order then it may never get told. Lets face it. I have the attention span of a goldfish.
Anyways. I came home this weekend. Not for any particular reason, just because my father offered to pay for it and who am I to turn down free airfare? And I'm so used to coming home and raging my face off and seeing a million different people and sleeping with a little less than a million people and just having an awesome me-centered time.
Well, I didn't really tell anyone I was coming home and then I got back and expected to be like "surprise! love me!" but instead it was sort of lame. Like I still raged my face off. But it wasn't what I expected. I spent my first 7 hours at home lying on my bed and singing along to Josh Groban. Finally got to dinner with a friend... one drink turned into 5 and then the night really began. Hit a pre-drink where a rousing game of Never Have I Ever revealed to everyone that there is very little I've never done. 2 bottles of vodka later we roll into town and it's like... dead.
That doesn't stop us from grabbing some drinks and some shots and moving to another bar where it isn't so dead. And I'm wasted and smiley and everything is good when I see one of my guy friends who does know I'm home. I see he's with a little group of our friends so I run over and give him a huge hug and when I step back I see the 4th person in the group.
Ninja.
Who then asks me where his hug is.
So I give it to him but I feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer. Like... he's never out. Ever. I didn't expect this. So a bit of my drunk slips away.
Can't let that happen.
More shots, more drinks, double fisting. All the way, baby.
So at this point I'm sort of toying with the line between fun drunk and emotional drunk. And Ninja, being the wonderful man he can be asks whats wrong and is being so nice and I find out that the earlier upset we had was pretty much all in my head. That he didn't realize how upset I was. That I'm basically a big baby. So that's good. And we're good. It's all good. And then his wife pops up.
Death.
5 mins later he's grinding up on her and I'm sucking back my drink and someone else's as well.
This inevitably leads to me telling crying in public and telling two people who don't even know me that well that I'm in love with Ninja. Mortifying. One can only hope they were as drunk as me and forget. So I cry. Drink. Cry more. Then start my journey home. Which is where I run into the guy I hugged before (and thus he shall be called Ken) And Ken wants to hang out. SO we are going to go back to his place but our ride is really wasted so we walked to a nearby house instead. As soon as the tenants of the house go to bed I fuck Ken on the living room floor.
By fuck I mean we tried but being as intoxicated as we were it was more of an awkward messy bump'n'grind.
Wake up fully dressed next to a naked Ken a few hours later. I'm fucking freezing, I can't believe I've slept with him and I'm about on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Ken wakes up and is sober enough to go grab his bike to drive us home. The whole way I'm blabbering like an idiot and I can't tell if its the breakdown or if I'm still drunk or if maybe I'm just a fucking crazy person.
He drops me at home and I am literally acting like a fucking nutbag. I'm all "I hope you still respect me, I hope I'm not pregnant, please don't tell anyone, are you ashamed of me??" and Ken's laughter is slowly turning from haha (you're funny) to haha (you might kill me in a minute)
Got home. Cried for an hour. Sent overly dramatic facebook messages to Lizz and Shiv. Finally get to sleep at 8am. Wake up at 10 am, FUCK NO. Wake up at 12 and finally shower off all the vodka and scrub off the smell of condoms.
Honestly.. those fucking things like permeate your skin. I swear I thought my dad was going to be able to smell the sex on me.
I calm down a little bit.
See... I wasn't really upset about having sex with Ken. Let's be honest, I've made worse decisions before. But I just never thought of him that way and I was so upset about Ninja, to then go fuck his friend. Ugh. He's never going to love me if I keep being such a giant whore.
Not that he'd love me regardless.
But still.
I don't think I was emotionally stable for sex with someone that I didn't have that sort of relationship with. On one hand I was like haha I don't need Ninja I can get anyone to have sex with me! And on the other hand it was like.... Omg... I'll have sex with anyone...
Arg oh well.
PBA helped me get over it the next night.
But lets save that tidbit of gossip for another time ;)...
xxKK
Anyways. I came home this weekend. Not for any particular reason, just because my father offered to pay for it and who am I to turn down free airfare? And I'm so used to coming home and raging my face off and seeing a million different people and sleeping with a little less than a million people and just having an awesome me-centered time.
Well, I didn't really tell anyone I was coming home and then I got back and expected to be like "surprise! love me!" but instead it was sort of lame. Like I still raged my face off. But it wasn't what I expected. I spent my first 7 hours at home lying on my bed and singing along to Josh Groban. Finally got to dinner with a friend... one drink turned into 5 and then the night really began. Hit a pre-drink where a rousing game of Never Have I Ever revealed to everyone that there is very little I've never done. 2 bottles of vodka later we roll into town and it's like... dead.
That doesn't stop us from grabbing some drinks and some shots and moving to another bar where it isn't so dead. And I'm wasted and smiley and everything is good when I see one of my guy friends who does know I'm home. I see he's with a little group of our friends so I run over and give him a huge hug and when I step back I see the 4th person in the group.
Ninja.
Who then asks me where his hug is.
So I give it to him but I feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer. Like... he's never out. Ever. I didn't expect this. So a bit of my drunk slips away.
Can't let that happen.
More shots, more drinks, double fisting. All the way, baby.
So at this point I'm sort of toying with the line between fun drunk and emotional drunk. And Ninja, being the wonderful man he can be asks whats wrong and is being so nice and I find out that the earlier upset we had was pretty much all in my head. That he didn't realize how upset I was. That I'm basically a big baby. So that's good. And we're good. It's all good. And then his wife pops up.
Death.
5 mins later he's grinding up on her and I'm sucking back my drink and someone else's as well.
This inevitably leads to me telling crying in public and telling two people who don't even know me that well that I'm in love with Ninja. Mortifying. One can only hope they were as drunk as me and forget. So I cry. Drink. Cry more. Then start my journey home. Which is where I run into the guy I hugged before (and thus he shall be called Ken) And Ken wants to hang out. SO we are going to go back to his place but our ride is really wasted so we walked to a nearby house instead. As soon as the tenants of the house go to bed I fuck Ken on the living room floor.
By fuck I mean we tried but being as intoxicated as we were it was more of an awkward messy bump'n'grind.
Wake up fully dressed next to a naked Ken a few hours later. I'm fucking freezing, I can't believe I've slept with him and I'm about on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Ken wakes up and is sober enough to go grab his bike to drive us home. The whole way I'm blabbering like an idiot and I can't tell if its the breakdown or if I'm still drunk or if maybe I'm just a fucking crazy person.
He drops me at home and I am literally acting like a fucking nutbag. I'm all "I hope you still respect me, I hope I'm not pregnant, please don't tell anyone, are you ashamed of me??" and Ken's laughter is slowly turning from haha (you're funny) to haha (you might kill me in a minute)
Got home. Cried for an hour. Sent overly dramatic facebook messages to Lizz and Shiv. Finally get to sleep at 8am. Wake up at 10 am, FUCK NO. Wake up at 12 and finally shower off all the vodka and scrub off the smell of condoms.
Honestly.. those fucking things like permeate your skin. I swear I thought my dad was going to be able to smell the sex on me.
I calm down a little bit.
See... I wasn't really upset about having sex with Ken. Let's be honest, I've made worse decisions before. But I just never thought of him that way and I was so upset about Ninja, to then go fuck his friend. Ugh. He's never going to love me if I keep being such a giant whore.
Not that he'd love me regardless.
But still.
I don't think I was emotionally stable for sex with someone that I didn't have that sort of relationship with. On one hand I was like haha I don't need Ninja I can get anyone to have sex with me! And on the other hand it was like.... Omg... I'll have sex with anyone...
Arg oh well.
PBA helped me get over it the next night.
But lets save that tidbit of gossip for another time ;)...
xxKK
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