SO tonight me and MugWug went out with a couple of his LaX buddies (that's a pretentious way to say Lacrosse.. get it? La- Cross = Lax.)
It was super fun and we drank and danced and despite this being the only day in my life where I didn't have make up in my purse I still had a good time despite not planning to go out...and therefore not being appropriately made up or dressed up.
First just me and MugWug went to get some Korean food... mmmmm my favorite fucking thing ever (seriously if you ever piss me off just take me for bibimbop and we'll be cool) and had dinner and two glasses of water.
Then we go to see a movie (Kings Speech... if you haven't seen it, go. I loved it so hard we could have made a baby) and I had a soda. Which, while being a "small", filled me up to the brim.
Then we decide to go to a bar to meet his friends. Introductions and 1 heineken.
Then the bar sort of dies so we move to another... more introductions, run into an old friend and three Heinekens, 1 shot and a glass of water.
Do you see what's happening?
Lots of liquid and no bathroom breaks...
So at 4am... after being out for almost twelve hours I was in a cab on my way home and I was dyiiiiing. I needed to pee so bad that 4 blocks from my apartment I almost asked the cabbie to pull over so I could pop a squat.
But this is not such a brilliant idea you see, because, I live off of Times fucking Square. Just as I had made my mind up to not suffer and just stop and pee over a subway grate or in the corner between the wall and the entrance to Starbucks a fucking cop car went past me and I remembered that public urination was sort of a no-no here.
And then I have a little gander around and I notice TWELVE OTHER COP CARS.
Of course... this is Times Square after all.
And as an international member of society I really don't need the cops taking an interest in my actions so.... I sucked it up and stayed in the car.
Got home and peed so hard I thought my bladder would fall out and just when I thought the worst was over I decided to make a snack of granola and blueberries and milk. Mix in a bowl and bring to my room.
Go to take a bite and notice the milk is sort of pink... as I look closer.. drip drop, a little red dot appears in the milk. Wipe my hand under my nose and lo and behold... a nose bleed.
Shocker.
So now I have vaseline up my nose (I hear it helps stop bleeding and keep passages moist) pink milk and a tired body. I think I'll sleep now and pray that this vaseline works and I don't wake up in a pool of my own blood again.
Night kittens.
xxKK
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A BIT ABOUT "PBA"
So... I sort of brought up the general topic of PBAs (Penis By Appointment) the sort of in-between of One Night Stands and Fuck Buddies.
And I sort of mentioned that PBA, as far as the rest of this blog goes, unless otherwise stated, is actually a new person of interest. I mentioned that right? Somewhere in tiny font in a post script?
So really by bringing the idea of PBA to your attention I was actually trying to introduce a new character....
Can I call him a character? I mean all the people I write about are real people.. including PBA. But their lives are only interesting to write about when they pertain to the focus of this blog: Me.
(I did admit in the very first post of KKC that blogging is extremely narcissistic.)
So in someways he is just a character. Because just like selective honesty is the same as lying, selective storytelling is sort of like fictionalizing.
But it's not fiction. It's my life.
Anyways. So PBA and I decided to become... well... Penis By Appointment friends. We rarely hang out and when we do it always turns to talk of sex and I'm not getting any and He's not getting any so why not use each other in times of need?
Right?
Wrong.
So we decide this and we talk about it ALL THE TIME when I'm in NYC and he's in the fucking UK. And we finally get home for winter break after talking about it for weeks and then... nothing.
We occasionally talk on skype but he's usually heading out and I'm usually feeding the dog or sleeping when he calls (because he calls at 3 in the goddamn morning!) So we keep missing each other. Then it comes time for him to leave but lo and behold his flight gets cancelled and pushed back a week.
It's like God wants me to get laid.
But then he like disappears into his house like a fucking rat and I don't hear from him until last night.
And last night he only spoke to me to remind me that he only had one day left before he left (which makes it tomorrow now) and he was surprised he hadn't seen me at his house yet...
Excuse me?
Dear PBA,
You live an hour away from me, which is as far as you can possibly get from one another on this tiny island) and it's been windy as hell, I only have a motorcycle license and frankly I'm not going to drive for an hour in gale force winds on a lark, hoping to run into you at your house that I'm not actually sure if you're at or not because YOU NEVER TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE HOME.
Also, if you can't pick up the phone and call me to say "hi", let alone "lets fuck", then I honestly don't have the energy to put into the commute let alone the sex.
Love, Kitty.
So he calls, wants to see me BUT (shocker) he's busy alllllllll day hanging out with his grandpa. Maybe at night we can finally meet up and sex in the back of the bar he owns.
Romantic, I know.
So I agree, hell why not? I've got nothing better to do with my Tuesday nights. So I spend the day chilling and being awesome like usual and then around 8pm I change into my Kitty PJs (yes I own pajamas with cats on them...two pairs in fact. These ones are pink) because I figure that the only way that he could possibly even think of calling me is if it is the most inconvenient time. Like if I was in my PJs halfway to passed out watching a really good movie on cable.
But apparently even playing against the odds won't help this Kat get some.
It's now 9:36. If I don't hear from him by 10 it's a no go. First, who hangs out with their Grandpa til 10pm the day/night before they fly away from all their friends for 6 months. Second, if you don't call me by 10 then I won't get there till 11 (and that's driving in the dark with wind and rain) and then, if you're worth your stuff, we won't be done til 12 and I won't get home til 1 am. I try to be off my motorcycle by midnight. Any later and I take a cab... its safety first. And lastly, if I am the last thing to do (literally) on your pre-flight checklist then you honestly don't deserve to have me. I should have been the first thing.
Because while I know we aren't going to fall in love and runaway together or any of that crap I do know that I am awesome in bed. Even in the back room of your bar.
So I'm ending this transaction of penis for lady parts.
But you've earned the nickname PBA, you little manslut, so that stays.
Yours,
Kitty.
xxKK
And I sort of mentioned that PBA, as far as the rest of this blog goes, unless otherwise stated, is actually a new person of interest. I mentioned that right? Somewhere in tiny font in a post script?
So really by bringing the idea of PBA to your attention I was actually trying to introduce a new character....
Can I call him a character? I mean all the people I write about are real people.. including PBA. But their lives are only interesting to write about when they pertain to the focus of this blog: Me.
(I did admit in the very first post of KKC that blogging is extremely narcissistic.)
So in someways he is just a character. Because just like selective honesty is the same as lying, selective storytelling is sort of like fictionalizing.
But it's not fiction. It's my life.
Anyways. So PBA and I decided to become... well... Penis By Appointment friends. We rarely hang out and when we do it always turns to talk of sex and I'm not getting any and He's not getting any so why not use each other in times of need?
Right?
Wrong.
So we decide this and we talk about it ALL THE TIME when I'm in NYC and he's in the fucking UK. And we finally get home for winter break after talking about it for weeks and then... nothing.
We occasionally talk on skype but he's usually heading out and I'm usually feeding the dog or sleeping when he calls (because he calls at 3 in the goddamn morning!) So we keep missing each other. Then it comes time for him to leave but lo and behold his flight gets cancelled and pushed back a week.
It's like God wants me to get laid.
But then he like disappears into his house like a fucking rat and I don't hear from him until last night.
And last night he only spoke to me to remind me that he only had one day left before he left (which makes it tomorrow now) and he was surprised he hadn't seen me at his house yet...
Excuse me?
Dear PBA,
You live an hour away from me, which is as far as you can possibly get from one another on this tiny island) and it's been windy as hell, I only have a motorcycle license and frankly I'm not going to drive for an hour in gale force winds on a lark, hoping to run into you at your house that I'm not actually sure if you're at or not because YOU NEVER TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE HOME.
Also, if you can't pick up the phone and call me to say "hi", let alone "lets fuck", then I honestly don't have the energy to put into the commute let alone the sex.
Love, Kitty.
So he calls, wants to see me BUT (shocker) he's busy alllllllll day hanging out with his grandpa. Maybe at night we can finally meet up and sex in the back of the bar he owns.
Romantic, I know.
So I agree, hell why not? I've got nothing better to do with my Tuesday nights. So I spend the day chilling and being awesome like usual and then around 8pm I change into my Kitty PJs (yes I own pajamas with cats on them...two pairs in fact. These ones are pink) because I figure that the only way that he could possibly even think of calling me is if it is the most inconvenient time. Like if I was in my PJs halfway to passed out watching a really good movie on cable.
But apparently even playing against the odds won't help this Kat get some.
It's now 9:36. If I don't hear from him by 10 it's a no go. First, who hangs out with their Grandpa til 10pm the day/night before they fly away from all their friends for 6 months. Second, if you don't call me by 10 then I won't get there till 11 (and that's driving in the dark with wind and rain) and then, if you're worth your stuff, we won't be done til 12 and I won't get home til 1 am. I try to be off my motorcycle by midnight. Any later and I take a cab... its safety first. And lastly, if I am the last thing to do (literally) on your pre-flight checklist then you honestly don't deserve to have me. I should have been the first thing.
Because while I know we aren't going to fall in love and runaway together or any of that crap I do know that I am awesome in bed. Even in the back room of your bar.
So I'm ending this transaction of penis for lady parts.
But you've earned the nickname PBA, you little manslut, so that stays.
Yours,
Kitty.
xxKK
WALK IN BATHTUBS...
So I was watching TV today and a commercial come on for walk in bathtubs.
They're easy access tubs for old people. You can get the seated version where you walk in, close the door behind you and fills up around you. Like sitting in a hot tub. OR you can get the automated version which is like a lawn chair. You lie on in and it lifts you into the bathtub in a lying position.
Why am I telling you about something that is clearly aimed at old people?
Well, I'll tell you.
You see when these commercials usually come on I just sort of laugh and go back to thinking about the shoes I just bought or finding some advil for my headache, that sort of thing. This time was different. I was in the middle of twitter stalking Siobhan (find her at http://twitter.com/siobhans13 or http://siobhanstevenson.blogspot.com/) And was quite involved with twitter-bugging her when the walk in tub advert came on.
And I was interested...
Like... I put aside my gossip hunting and actually paid attention. At first I was like meh. Commercial. Then I was like... hmm that looks pretty comfortable. Hmm.. I like baths. Hmm... I have bad knees, I could totally use something like that. Oohh It has massage jets too! Oooh it fills up in only 3 minutes. Oh look at that darling little shelf, I could put a book there and.....
whoa whoa whoa!
Who AM I???
Since when do my interests include walk in bath tubs instead of gossip? What's next? Dentures instead of blow jobs? Walkers instead of fast cars and motorbikes?
When did I turn into a grandma???
Who ever heard of getting banged in a walk in bathtub? Not sexy at all.
I need to do something young tonight. I need to load up on booze and do something stupid, like shots off some man candy, and then have crazy sex with someone too old or too young for me. Maybe throw in some disturbance of the peace and property damage...
Something that will convince me that even though my knees and back and elbows and hips and fingers are all old lady joints I am still 21 and just a kid.
ugh.
PBA needs to come through for me tonight....
They're easy access tubs for old people. You can get the seated version where you walk in, close the door behind you and fills up around you. Like sitting in a hot tub. OR you can get the automated version which is like a lawn chair. You lie on in and it lifts you into the bathtub in a lying position.
Why am I telling you about something that is clearly aimed at old people?
Well, I'll tell you.
You see when these commercials usually come on I just sort of laugh and go back to thinking about the shoes I just bought or finding some advil for my headache, that sort of thing. This time was different. I was in the middle of twitter stalking Siobhan (find her at http://twitter.com/siobhans13 or http://siobhanstevenson.blogspot.com/) And was quite involved with twitter-bugging her when the walk in tub advert came on.
And I was interested...
Like... I put aside my gossip hunting and actually paid attention. At first I was like meh. Commercial. Then I was like... hmm that looks pretty comfortable. Hmm.. I like baths. Hmm... I have bad knees, I could totally use something like that. Oohh It has massage jets too! Oooh it fills up in only 3 minutes. Oh look at that darling little shelf, I could put a book there and.....
whoa whoa whoa!
Who AM I???
Since when do my interests include walk in bath tubs instead of gossip? What's next? Dentures instead of blow jobs? Walkers instead of fast cars and motorbikes?
When did I turn into a grandma???
Who ever heard of getting banged in a walk in bathtub? Not sexy at all.
I need to do something young tonight. I need to load up on booze and do something stupid, like shots off some man candy, and then have crazy sex with someone too old or too young for me. Maybe throw in some disturbance of the peace and property damage...
Something that will convince me that even though my knees and back and elbows and hips and fingers are all old lady joints I am still 21 and just a kid.
ugh.
PBA needs to come through for me tonight....
Monday, January 10, 2011
PUT ME TO SLEEP PLEASE
Serious question.
Where did all the drowsy meds go?
Like, when I was a kid and I had to fly my mother gave me Sudafed because that shit would knock you out for a plane ride. And if I felt a little off I would get some Robituson and be out like a light. Or if I felt a bad cough coming on my mother would force me to take some Buckleys and, as nasty as that shit tasted, it would knock me and my flu on our asses.
Now whenever I take medication it has "Non-Drowsy" printed on it.
Like, thanks for the option Sudafed but I'd actually like some sleep now. Kthxbye.
I know that there is Ambien and Nyquil and a bunch of other sleeping aids out there but I don't want anything too strong. I just want that nice drowsy feeling that comes with cold medicine to drift away to sleep.
My knee fucking hurts, I pulled a muscle in my neck so that fucking hurts, my face hurts from various afflictions and my head hurts because my dog threw a tantrum that involved 45 minutes of skreechy whining and barking as well as one bite on the fatty part of my arm that realllly fucking hurt (I know you planned that you little mongrel. Guess what, I'm not giving you anymore of my cheez-its now)
Pretty much I'm falling apart.
So I took a bayer (because god forbid anywhere on this forsaken island actually sell TylenolPM) and my birth control (which I'm using to delay my period so I can use PBA*) and now I'm lying here an I don't want to take a bunch of crap I dont need like Nyquil but I need sleep. And despite the last tendrils of a nasty cough (that took over my lungs, got comfy, set up parliment and is refusing to give up power without a long hard fight) I can't take any cough or flu meds because they will just wake me back up.
Honestly, I need that drowsy magic.
Grrr.
Plus what am I going to do when I finally have a baby (after I finally meet a man who will finally have sex with me more than once and finally become my boyfriend and then finally put a ring on my finger and THEN finally have a baby) and we're traveling? I am not going to be that Momma with a crying baby on a 6 hour flight. I'm going to find a drowsy medicine and dose that kid up and then tell people how well behaved s/he is as if it's totally natural and not drug induced.
So, I'm in need of medications and sleep nd this combo is making me crabby. I'm going to go try to bore myself to sleep now. Talk to you kittens later.
*The last post was supposed to introduce a new cast member PBA but I got side tracked and lost my point (because I was drunk) I'll try to remedy the situation and give him a proper post but for now just know he's being useless and not at all like the PBA he is.
Where did all the drowsy meds go?
Like, when I was a kid and I had to fly my mother gave me Sudafed because that shit would knock you out for a plane ride. And if I felt a little off I would get some Robituson and be out like a light. Or if I felt a bad cough coming on my mother would force me to take some Buckleys and, as nasty as that shit tasted, it would knock me and my flu on our asses.
Now whenever I take medication it has "Non-Drowsy" printed on it.
Like, thanks for the option Sudafed but I'd actually like some sleep now. Kthxbye.
I know that there is Ambien and Nyquil and a bunch of other sleeping aids out there but I don't want anything too strong. I just want that nice drowsy feeling that comes with cold medicine to drift away to sleep.
My knee fucking hurts, I pulled a muscle in my neck so that fucking hurts, my face hurts from various afflictions and my head hurts because my dog threw a tantrum that involved 45 minutes of skreechy whining and barking as well as one bite on the fatty part of my arm that realllly fucking hurt (I know you planned that you little mongrel. Guess what, I'm not giving you anymore of my cheez-its now)
Pretty much I'm falling apart.
So I took a bayer (because god forbid anywhere on this forsaken island actually sell TylenolPM) and my birth control (which I'm using to delay my period so I can use PBA*) and now I'm lying here an I don't want to take a bunch of crap I dont need like Nyquil but I need sleep. And despite the last tendrils of a nasty cough (that took over my lungs, got comfy, set up parliment and is refusing to give up power without a long hard fight) I can't take any cough or flu meds because they will just wake me back up.
Honestly, I need that drowsy magic.
Grrr.
Plus what am I going to do when I finally have a baby (after I finally meet a man who will finally have sex with me more than once and finally become my boyfriend and then finally put a ring on my finger and THEN finally have a baby) and we're traveling? I am not going to be that Momma with a crying baby on a 6 hour flight. I'm going to find a drowsy medicine and dose that kid up and then tell people how well behaved s/he is as if it's totally natural and not drug induced.
So, I'm in need of medications and sleep nd this combo is making me crabby. I'm going to go try to bore myself to sleep now. Talk to you kittens later.
*The last post was supposed to introduce a new cast member PBA but I got side tracked and lost my point (because I was drunk) I'll try to remedy the situation and give him a proper post but for now just know he's being useless and not at all like the PBA he is.
Friday, January 7, 2011
PUT DOWN THE PDA, ITS TIME FOR PBA.
Thats right ladies* I said put down PDAs.
*if you are a man 1) you are crazy 2) you stop reading this post, and possibly this blog unless you are a) gay or b) entertained rather than offended by the following vulgarity.
Personal Digital Assistants
Parenteral Drug Association
Pharmacists Defense Association
Public Democrats of America
AND
Public Display of Affection....
I have something better.
It's something I like to call P.B.A
What does that stand for?
Well its not the Patrolmens Benevolent Association
or the Professional Bowlers Association
or the Phillippine Basketball Association (in fact its not an association at all)
or even the Professional Benefit Administrators.
No, it is much better than that.
Read my lips.
Penis. By. Appointment.
That's right.
Penis by appointment.
Now now now, before you get all haughty taughty and pissy poshy and start spouting about "morals" and "spiritual wellbeing" first of all, shut up, you want to (in the words of the oh so classy Jersey-Shore-ers) "get it in" just as much as the rest of us, secondly, if you dont... this is the WRONG blog for you. Lastly, I'm not talking "for hire" I'm talking "by appointment"
Big Difference.
For hire is like a prostitute... and a man who has no worldly attributes or qualifications to offer you except for a useful penis is not an attractive idea.
By appointment is like... one step up from a FB (which doesn't mean facebook on this website... it means FUCK BUDDY)
See FBs get complicated because someone gets attached and it gets messy because you're all "Heyyyy let's do it before I go out, but don't act like we did it, because I wanna see if I can get anyone else/better and I dont want you scaring them off or getting jealous because I really don't like you like that, I just like your penis/vagina like that."
And then they cry.
At least, that's been my experience.
But you see a PBA is much easier. It's practically a business agreement.
You have a friend. There's some sexual tension and you find them mildly-extremely attractive. They return the sentiment. You really don't have time for a real relationship/you think they're pretty but you don't really want to like... get to know them. So you agree to get together and have sex occasionally. In my experience it's better to do this with someone you have a mild friendship with because that insures you against turning into FBs or a desperate bitch or (god forbid) a girlfriend.
This does cause some problems though... because its then less likely that you guys will hang out often and this decreases the likelihood of frequent sexual encounters. But that's why god invented texting.
"hey u free. wanna s3x?"
"ya. cum by @ 4?"
"hows 5? I got 2 wurk til 4"
"kewl."
"fuck you then"
";)"
Oh yahhhh. Nothing turns me on like misspelled words of sexiness.
But honestly you have to set these things up via texted based communication devices. Saying to a man that you only want to see him for sex may sound like their ultimate fantasy but it's just so awkward when through the silence he realizes that you have no interest in him as a person but only as a plaything.
Okay this is making it sound bad.
Honestly its not as dirty as it sounds. But everyone has those friends who they never really hang out with one-on-one because you arent that close and you don't have the hidden agenda of wanting to date them but you wouldn't mind banging them.
Right?
I think I'm too tired to make sense anymore
that is... if I ever made sense at all.
xxKK.
*if you are a man 1) you are crazy 2) you stop reading this post, and possibly this blog unless you are a) gay or b) entertained rather than offended by the following vulgarity.
Personal Digital Assistants
Parenteral Drug Association
Pharmacists Defense Association
Public Democrats of America
AND
Public Display of Affection....
I have something better.
It's something I like to call P.B.A
What does that stand for?
Well its not the Patrolmens Benevolent Association
or the Professional Bowlers Association
or the Phillippine Basketball Association (in fact its not an association at all)
or even the Professional Benefit Administrators.
No, it is much better than that.
Read my lips.
Penis. By. Appointment.
That's right.
Penis by appointment.
Now now now, before you get all haughty taughty and pissy poshy and start spouting about "morals" and "spiritual wellbeing" first of all, shut up, you want to (in the words of the oh so classy Jersey-Shore-ers) "get it in" just as much as the rest of us, secondly, if you dont... this is the WRONG blog for you. Lastly, I'm not talking "for hire" I'm talking "by appointment"
Big Difference.
For hire is like a prostitute... and a man who has no worldly attributes or qualifications to offer you except for a useful penis is not an attractive idea.
By appointment is like... one step up from a FB (which doesn't mean facebook on this website... it means FUCK BUDDY)
See FBs get complicated because someone gets attached and it gets messy because you're all "Heyyyy let's do it before I go out, but don't act like we did it, because I wanna see if I can get anyone else/better and I dont want you scaring them off or getting jealous because I really don't like you like that, I just like your penis/vagina like that."
And then they cry.
At least, that's been my experience.
But you see a PBA is much easier. It's practically a business agreement.
You have a friend. There's some sexual tension and you find them mildly-extremely attractive. They return the sentiment. You really don't have time for a real relationship/you think they're pretty but you don't really want to like... get to know them. So you agree to get together and have sex occasionally. In my experience it's better to do this with someone you have a mild friendship with because that insures you against turning into FBs or a desperate bitch or (god forbid) a girlfriend.
This does cause some problems though... because its then less likely that you guys will hang out often and this decreases the likelihood of frequent sexual encounters. But that's why god invented texting.
"hey u free. wanna s3x?"
"ya. cum by @ 4?"
"hows 5? I got 2 wurk til 4"
"kewl."
"fuck you then"
";)"
Oh yahhhh. Nothing turns me on like misspelled words of sexiness.
But honestly you have to set these things up via texted based communication devices. Saying to a man that you only want to see him for sex may sound like their ultimate fantasy but it's just so awkward when through the silence he realizes that you have no interest in him as a person but only as a plaything.
Okay this is making it sound bad.
Honestly its not as dirty as it sounds. But everyone has those friends who they never really hang out with one-on-one because you arent that close and you don't have the hidden agenda of wanting to date them but you wouldn't mind banging them.
Right?
I think I'm too tired to make sense anymore
that is... if I ever made sense at all.
xxKK.
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