SEEKING: CASUAL STRESS RELIEF SEX

So I slipped in that PBA was coming to town a few posts back.

Well he gets here today.

So PBA is the man who has a reputation for suggesting sex and then failing to follow through. And I had totally sworn him off for good but as always he's found a way to waltz back into my life...
...it usually occurs when I'm drunk and horny and have access to Skype... might be time to set a new drunk-proof password.

Anyways so we've been sometimes talking lately and the other day we were just talking about mundane things and he slips in that he's coming to NYC on business next week (which is now this week) and that we should meet up and have some casual stress relief sex.

Just that like that.

Slips it in between his flight plans and what he had for lunch.

Just  a little casual stress relief sex. No big deal.

So I'm like... okay. Sure. And I start to think about how it wouldn't be so bad to have a little quality human interaction this week. Even if he has been a D-bag in the past.

So after we agree that at some point we're going to meet up and have sex suddenly he starts pulling those promises back in again... The excuses start pouring out of his mouth.

"But I do have to go to Boston one of those days so it's not like I can be there every day..."
"I have to see my business partner too you know, I'm not just free all the time"
"This is a business trip not a social one"
"I'd like to actually see New York as well you know"

I'm like... slow the fuck down. I'm not some rapist who carries around sheets pre-moistened with chloroform to knock out her victims and take advantage of them. I'm not going to chain you down and refuse to let you leave. In fact I'm not even going to call you. Because past experience has shown me that you're the kind of man who wants what he can't have and as soon as I'm all "omg I want you!" you're gonna be like "meh no thanks"

Don't bring up sex and then immediately back pedal. I don't need your excuses, I don't need your dick (though it would be nice) and I don't need you to look out for my feelings. I get that you don't want to sleep over and make me breakfast and be my boyfriend.

Newsflash: I never wanted that from you either.

So while I still do hope that I'm getting laid this week I will be completely unfazed and unshocked if PBA decides to crawl into a hole and not bother calling me. He may think that it makes him sexy to be so unavailable but it's really just annoying. And he may think he has the power in this relationship but hey... if he's a disappointment then I'll just throw on my Fuck-Me dress and go to a bar and find  a real man to make me happy.

Sorry PBA, I'd love to play but you are not the be-all or end-all. There are plenty of people on sexcations looking for some sexcapades with a girl like me. So enjoy your business... Maybe I'll hear from you, maybe I won't. Either way I'm still going to have an awesome week.

xxKK

THE PLOT IS HATCHED

So let me tell you a little something about MugWug...

For  man who completely objectifies women (while hiding behind his holier-than-thou Jesus loving bullshit religion crap) he does not understand that women are not just there to be used but also have needs.

Sexual needs.

As in, orgasms.

Yes, I am saying that people NEED orgasms in their lives.

And just because I haven't had sex in a *ahem* loooooong time doesn't mean I'm not fully making my quota. I do not discriminate between the orgasm a man can give me and an orgasm gained through electric means.

Or in my case... battery powered.

Meet Senior Margarita.

He's my vibrator. He's pretty amazing. He never leaves the seat up or asks me to pay for dinner. He never forgets to return my phone calls yet he's never overbearing or needy. He doesn't snore or roll onto me in the middle of the night. He never forgets to clean up after himself and he only cares about what I want...

So pretty much he's better than any man.

MugWug is extremely uncomfortable with the idea of a woman having sex with the sole goal being an orgasm (he believes that is just for men... women should be sweet and innocent and want love and babies) So the idea of a woman buying hardware to please herself is just such a foreign idea...

It freaks him the fuck out.

He can talk for hours about how gross it is or how immoral or how, whatever negative word you want to pick, it is.

So when I told him that I recently acquired a battery powered love device he had a conniption fit and started to gag.

So tonight when he gets home from his lady friends house (lady friend being the girl he's wanted to have sex with since freshman year, not his actual girlfriend [and yes he has a girlfriend]) I plan on getting Senior Margarita out and totally going at it.

Now I doubt he'll be able to tell since I have my own room with a permanently locked door and Senior Margarita is extremely quiet and discrete but it will be happening regardless and the emotional toll it will take on him when one day I slip into conversation that I've been getting off 20 feet away from where he sleeps while he's been home with a rubber battery powered cock... well that will just be so rewarding.

I'm really not even sure what well get me off faster tonight... Senior Margarita or the taste of revenge.

Never cross Kitty... she has sharp claws.

Sorry MugWug... maybe if you were a smidge [read: at all] respectful to me or a semi decent roommate I wouldn't be plotting such cruel and graphic revenge.

Uh oh...I hear the front door opening. Time to get out the spare batteries.

xxKK

KITTY IS SAD/FRUSTRATED/PISSED THE FUCK OFF

And it's probably mostly my own fault.

I take on too many things sometimes.
I inflict myself with so much stress that it's a surprise that my blood pressure isn't higher (but it is already pretty high)

MugWug continues to reek havoc on my life.

Like yesterday when I left for the gym and told him I'd be back in an hour and a half and when I got back, an hour and a half later, he had decided to JUST get into the shower. Where he stayed for 40 minutes.

First of all, I don't take 40 minute showers and I have long hair to my ass.
Secondly, he's a gross boy creature... how can he care THAT much about getting clean
and Most Importantly... I NEEDED A SHOWER AFTER THE GYM. YOU KNOW I'M COMING HOME. It's not like I surprised you... I gave you a concrete timeline...

It's just frustrating.

And then today he drops the news on me that he hates all of my other friends (which is funny since a) he doesn't know most of my friends because he refuses to hang out with them and b) he's tried to get in the pants of 90% of the friends he has met)

And his friend hates me.

And that makes me seriously questions how much friend is left in our friendship. If we pick our friends because we have something in common with them/we relate to them/ we have fun with them then what does it say that he hates the people I choose to surround myself with?

It means he can't really like me all that much either...

And I've only met the friend who "hates me" twice before so if he has a negative impression of me it has to come from what MugWug has been saying...

Makes me really wonder about how my new roomie really feels about me.

In other news unrelated to MugWug but related to my misery my internet and cable have been out for 36 hours now which means that not only can I not distract myself with bad reality TV or Xbox Live but I have to travel to Starbucks (where I get hit on by the only man in the world who seems to want me - the creepy barrista) or all the way downtown to my school... even though I'm graduated.

Which is where I am now. It's 9:30pm and I'm sitting in the lobby of my ex-university alone in Summer. My life has reached an all time low. But I've been here working since 4pm so I think it might be time to pack it in and go home.... even if my roommate is there waiting....

So before the building guards start audibly judging me I'm going to go... I'll have to update you on PBA and Ninja another time.

xxKK

WARNING: DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS

So you all know MugWug under one fairly generic title: Best Friend.

Well he's about to get a new one... "Roommate"

Yeah... he moved in with me...

Now before anyone jumps to any conclusions, no, it's nothing past roommates. He sleeps in a nook in the living room and I lock my door every night. (Out of habit not because I'm worried he's going to break in and read my diary or anything scandalous)
He's only planning on staying a month or so and I do love hosting people. I am such a Mama Kat sometimes.

But here's the catch: despite loving to host and my inexplicable (and apparently unconditional) love for the kid, I DO NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS.

As in I like my space and routine and order.

Rearranging the living room to make room for his nook was emotionally scarring for me since I don't like change.

Here's an example of how neurotic I am about change... I will refuse to walk down a street, even if the sign says walk and that's the fastest route, if it isn't one of the two streets I use to get to the subway. And there are certain streets I'll only walk west on. And I always catch the subway car that stops in front of the broken telephone at 49th Street. And I arrange my couch cushions, not in an aestically pleasing pattern or format, but by color. I don't like trying new food. I will literally be reduced to tears of frustration if faced with a menu that doesn't contain something that I know I like.

I'm not very good at decisions so it's easier for me to just cut out the options.

Well... that being said... he moved in and now everything has changed.

He switches the shower from handheld to stationary every time he uses it (I'm short and the hand held is lower and has better water pressure) He uses an electric toothbrush which means there's this machine contraption on the sink, which is so not the neat empty way I like my sink. AND he refuses to hang his towel on the hook on the door, choosing instead to drape it over the shower, which doesn't even make logical sense since it dries quicker on the hook and it means I don't have to move it every time I want to shower.

AND THAT'S JUST THE BATHROOM.

Needless to say I have a lot to get used to and it's very jarring.

Tomorrow we're putting up a curtain around his nook so that at least the change and mess and differences from my real life and now can be contained and somewhat hidden.

I have to admit that sometimes it's nice to have him around. Tonight we had a nice little roommate moment in the kitchen. We made snacks and talked.

I feel like he and I stopped really talking to each other a long time ago so maybe this move is what our friendship needs to continue past college.

That, or it'll completely destroy it.

Meanwhile I'm going to use all this awkward nervous energy I have from having my schedule/routine change so drastically towards getting up early and hitting the gym every morning. Hopefully my legs won't fall off before I run out the uncomfortable feelings.

Regardless I'm going to need a few drugs to get through the next month.

I'm sleepy and have work to do so I'll sign off but I still have to update y'all on PBA and Ninja so don't let me forget. And hey, look at that, two posts in two nights. Maybe there's hope for this blog after all.

xxKK

HOLY FUCK IT'S JUNE...

And it's fucking hot.

I don't know where the rest of you kids are but I'm in the big apple and it's mother fucking melting over here.

I can't believe it's June already. So much has happened and I havent had a single moment to sit down and compose it into one cohesive train of thought.

School is done. I graduated. No more homework or 8am lectures. Which is nice. But also sad.

Working on becoming a US citizen now.

Been getting into the usual drunken trouble.

Fleetweek just passed which was supposed to bring the glory of many a good lay but unfortunately Mama Nature has been after me ever since I accidentally murdered all of the lillies in my neighbors yard (I was 9) so I had an unwelcome guest in the form of my freaking period during the majority of Fleetweek. I still went out and winged for my girlies NP and shiv but it was sad not to hook a sailor.  On the last night I was finally finished surfing the red sea and I nabbed the hottest little seafarer at a dark bar. After beerpong and ass grabbing I was sure we were headed to my apartment (conveniently located a block from his ship) but thats about the time the excuses started pouring out of his mouth. He couldn't leave the bar, he only had 40 minutes left, the other marines might worry. Clearly his only solution was to propose bathroom sex.

Excuse me?

Bathroom sex?

No.

I am not a five buck fuck in the back of a strip club.

When he wouldn't let go of this idea I mentioned that we didn't have the proper equipment (read: condoms) but instead of leaving the bar to go to my house where I have a stockpile of 9 (don't judge me, I'm just prepared) he decided to go to Duane Reade and buy a pack to bring back for bathroom sex. Despite the fact that the time he would spend in line would take three times as long as walking to my house.

Anyways.... Mikey the sailor was hot but as soon as he left me at the bar to buy condoms I downed my drink and left.

Dear Mike, if you read this, you are a smoking hott catch of a man and I'm sure that your tragic flaw is that you are painfully aware of this fact. Despite you being hott and me being ridiculously in need for a good bang I do have standards and they include not fucking where people regularly piss. Yours, Kitty.

That pretty much sums up all of my Fleet week adventures. In the middle I hosted some crazy boys who thought that by causing my many grey hairs and making so much noise that my neighbors now cut their eyes at me when I walk by makes them bad ass. They played basketball inside my house, did "parkour" (i.e. they jumped on shit) in Times Square and fell asleep at a bar while going beer to beer with me and NP. According to the rumor mill I had sex with one of these over sized children but that's been put to rest. When someone accused me of denying the truth I pointed out that I would be very happy to get laid but I don't like taking credit for things I haven't done.

My mama raised me better than that.

Anyways... that catches you up on the last few weeks. Everything else is less interesting and frankly I'm too tired to keep typing.

Things to address in the next post:
- PBA coming to town next week... wants "casual stress relief sex"
- Ninja still playing with my heartstrings and I'm playing with the idea of telling him I still love him
- MugWug moved in with me. I don't like to share and I don't play well with others so this is quite a stressful bit of news.
I'd go on but it's late and I already set my alarm for 8am so I need to get in a catnap.

Love to you all.
xx KK