THIS HEART, IT FRACTURES

We interrupt this blog to bring you a non-humorous emotion update:

So Ninja and I have been chit chatting for a few weeks now. Well... for quite some time. But he's married and I respect that so I've been keeping it strictly friendly. Every single time I feel that it's getting too far or crossing a line I pull back. I have done nothing wrong. 

But now that it's only a few days until I'm home for the weekend and it's Tori's birthday he's being horrible to me. And not like... aggressively mean but like... not talking to me, making me feel guilty or bothersome for trying to have a conversation with him. 

And I'm over it. 

Because I could handle loving someone who didn't love me back and I could handle supporting his marriage despite my feelings and being the one who backed away from the inappropriate conversations but I can't handle him using the marriage as some sort of weapon. It's like he's putting more and more pressure on my heart and now it's starting fracture and it fucking sucks.

I can find another guy to talk to, another guy to hook up, another guy to obsess over. 

But he has my heart and he's treating it like shit. 

I feel like shit. 

If I wasn't at work I'd be elbow deep in ice cream and tears. 

I guess my OneRepublic pandora station is't really helping.... 

I was just holding onto some small hope that maybe, just maybe, if I was good enough and worked hard enough and stayed around that maybe one day in the future he might be mine. It's not as if I was sitting at home waiting for him but it was always in the back of my mind.  I supported his marriage, his career choices, I've never doubted or criticized anything he did. Yet when I go on a date he doesn't talk to me. I have an actual problem and he can't be bothered to care. And when I just want to talk, like the friends I thought we were, he throws his wife in my face like I should be ashamed or guilty or something. 

So I'm withdrawing. I'm not going to try. I refuse to go on offense or defense. Right now I'm Switzerland. And maybe some day I'll love someone the way I love him. And maybe I won't. 

Either way it has to be better than this emptiness. 

xxKK

ONE NIGHT WITH NIKO

After the ordeal that is The Weekend That Was I took a little break from fun times. I re-evaluated my life and decided that perhaps the time for dragging drunk randos home has come to an end.

We'll see how long that lasts.

At first everything was going swimmingly - I was busy with work, happily crafting away in my spare time. I even read like.. 5 books.

And then that week was over.

It was a friday and Niko, another intern at my company, had been unusually chatty.

Let me tell you a little bit about Niko...

Niko showed up at work one day - no introduction, no explanation - and started working out in the main quad. To be perfectly honest it took me about 3 weeks to realize that he worked there and that he was the intern people kept talking about. I went by and introduced myself. At first he gave me an impossibly long Greek name and I smiled while thinking "there is no way in hell I can say that name." Then he laughed and told me to call him Niko.

In the following month I spoke to him maybe 3 more times. We were in the same meetings, working for the same people but I was pretty much glued to my desk and he was rolling in and out whenever he wanted.

Now sometimes he caught my eye - I mean he's decently pretty and looked enough like a man's man that I was mildly interested - but it was never anything more than a passing thought.

Until the day he got fired.

That day he came into my office and dat down all chatty and I got to know him. He's an artist and suddenly I'm learning all about him and his family and hey let's get a drink.

So we do.

Work ends and me and him go to get a drink. Which leads to us going to brooklyn to see an art show. Now there are few things that can drag me to brooklyn but a cute boy who wants to talk about art and might want to take my clothes off is one of those things. So cut to dirty  BK and I'm listening to an unwashed boy croon into a decade old mic and theres some sort of prayer circle going on and the art is part pop culture massacre and part wibblewobbles on canvas. Some giant scandanavian man named Cub tries to pick me up and Niko is surprised when I turn down his offer of a warm $5 can of heiniken light.

After about an hour of me not saying anything (which is very rare) Niko decides I've seen enough and he proposing coming back to my place for a drink and some painting. We wake up Lizz and her spouse and make them entertain us for a bit while Niko shows off his paintings of... well... paint. Different color paints all across the canvas in a sort of unabashed splatter.

Then he decides its time to paint. We retire to my bedroom and start painting (how erotic, I know) and I paint the eye of a bird.

He paints mud.

Then I start to make him up a bed on my couch (the one in my room) because thus far he's only shown interest in painting, spilling his guts and spouting bro vs. artist philosophy. He watches me and waits until I've finished making said bed before saying that "after painting together I'd feel wrong not sleeping in the same bed. I just want to be close to you."

Eh.

Why not.

So he gets into his skivvies. I get into my PJs. I get into bed and roll over to go to sleep.

Then Niko starts talking.

Now, for me, the bed is for 2 things. Sleeping. And sleeping with someone. No time for deep conversation and chit chat. I sleepy.

Well he's rambling on about shit and then he breaks it down for me. He wants to kiss me. I say.. okay. Then he say that he's going to kiss me, bite my neck, take off my shirt and have sex with me. If thats okay.

Eh. Sure.

So those events progress, I grab a condom and we start. Now I'm sober by this point. I've had several hours of Brooklyn, no alcohol and talking to sober me up. But not our boy Niko. No, no. He's wasted and soon out of breath and it seems like he's really getting worked up. I am really tired. So I propose we switch positions so he doesn't have to work so hard and I can put my face on the pillow without him noticing that I might possibly be taking a teeny tiny nap.

Well then he breaks it to me...

"Let me know when you're done... I'm doing this for you."

WHOA WHOA WHOA.

No.

Right now, I am doing you the favor buddy. I'm tired as hell. And frankly sort of over the sensitive artist thing. So I quite frankly tell him I'm tired and want to go to sleep and if he's not going to finish then he might as well stop.

Anyways thats done and I finally get to sleep.

Wake up to the sounds of jackhammers. Stare at the ceiling for several hours until he finally wakes up. He gets dressed, I walk him to the door and then I, in my cool, morning after way say "don't forget your paintings." Then he says "mind if I leave them here? I'll come get them later.."

And then he's gone. And I'm left with paint on my boob, a room to clean up and a pile of paintings that look like mud.

And that was my one night with Niko.


Oh wait... did I say I only had one night with him?... my mistake...

xxKK

THE WEEKEND THAT WAS (PART 3)

(I'm so sorry that it's taken me almost a month to post part 3 but I'm like... really busy...


and ashamed)


Okay... so where did we leave off?..

Oh that's right. EMT disappoints and then departs.
Everything I want in a man and more...

(I really hope you read the sarcasm in that)

Anyways. Come sunday and I am not sure if the ground has turned to marshmellow or if the world is spinning extra fast but walking is not my friend. In fact general co-ordination is defying me. It takes me about 10 minutes to figure out how to put on pants. Get stuck at the zipper and decide to opt for a dress.

You might be wondering what someone in my, obviously impaired, state is doing getting dressed at all. I mean obviously I should be in bed with a banana and a blindfold.

Oh hush you dirty birds... banana to help the hangover (potasium) and blindfold to keep out the light (headache)

But alas, such comforts aren't afforded to this little boozehound. No, instead I force myself into clothes and drag myself uptown to meet the rest of the crew for brunch.
Or as us manhattanites like to call it: a classy excuse for pre-noon drinking.

The only problem with brunching is that any place worth the price of admission usually has an hours long wait. And thus we began our champagne and orange juice gorging long before the eggs benedict came. So I was about half in the bag before breakfast.

Oh lets be honest... I'd fallen through 2 bags into the bottom of a bottle.

I was drunnnnk.

Did I mention that this was also the finals before the superbowl?
So naturally after 3 hours of booze and foodz we decided to go (where else?) to a bar.
A few beers, slurred words and shots later I find this dashing young gentleman who is a medical student. He too takes some shots, we shoot the breeze for a while and yell at jocks on the tv screen.

I do love a man who can yell.

So I decide I need to go to my house and sober up. Funny how the bar is a block from my house. Mick (my new doctor friend) decides he too could use a glass of water and a quieter place to watch the game.
Get to my place.
I go to the bathroom for 1 minute to check my face and push some makeup around on it. I come back and guess what I find...

NAKED MICK.

As in, he has stripped down and pulled the naked man and was sitting on my couch ass naked.

Well shit.

Not much I can do now... so I move his nakedness into my room and join him for rounds 1 and 2.

And they weren't great rounds. Short, fast, over.  And frankly any man who has the balls to pull the naked man should make sure he has the cock to match them. And Mick didn't have the dick.
Sad times.
Anyways.

I know what you're thinking... 3 days of drinking, two sex buddies. How more unclassy can this be?

OH... let me tell you.

I'm lying there naked and Mick is talking to me and letting his hands wander and like.. whatever. Because I'm over it but I'm also drunk and not about to turn down extra fun. And his hands move lower and it's sort of sexy and then he prods me. Yeah. There. And not in a sexy way. And then he's like... staring at my vag and I'm like... excuse me? Go away. And he's like (I fuck you not) "Babe, it's okay, I'm a doctor"

WHAT??

Are you trying to give me a subtle vag exam?? Are you my OBGYN? Did I just get tricked into a pap smear? NO FUCKING WAY.

I then have a minor freak out because, lets face it, the fastest way to kill the mood is to go from play time to playing doctor.

So by this point, as far as I'm concerned the night is over. I'm tired, I'm annoyed, I want him to leave and I want to finally sleep off my shame.
But my girls NP and shiv call and they're out so I drag my ass back into clothing to go meet them.

Goodbye Mick.

Nope.

Mick wants to come.

So he jumps in a cab with me and we go meet my friends. Such a weird situation. The random guy I just banged (and then had try to medically examine me) playing pool with me, Shiv and Shiv's high school boyfriend Vesty.

And like.. Mick isn't bad looking. In fact he's pretty cute. Could use some fashion tips and maybe a little bit of proactiv but he's cute. But he also just pulled a weird med student thing on me and I dunno. I'm  drunk and it's weird.

Finally we call it a night and Mick and I split a cab home. I got him number  (yeah... haven't called that hot mess) and I slept on a pile of towels to avoid the bed of sin that I'd created.

The next day at work I looked as bad as I felt and I'm pretty sure I was oozing vodka but after hiding my face all day and managing not to vomit I felt like I'd paid the price for having such a bender.

It wasn't my finest hour but it probably won't be my messiest either.

and now it's time for bed.

xxKK

THE WEEKEND THAT WAS (PART 2)

Rolled out of bed, pulled on the clothes I'd worn the night before, threw on some sunglasses and called Shiv to get food.

Find out the silly nut has left her debit card at the bar we were at last night so we change the plans oh so slightly.
We make one pit stop instead of two so that we can eat and retrieve her DC at the same time. This does call for a change of clothing since the bartenders had already seen my outfit from the night before.

Luckily I was still drunk from the night before so I dressed myself rather quickly and rather like a slutty 80s prom queen might.

Black Mesh.
White Lace.
Fuchia Leather Gloves.
Leggings.
Grey Blazer.
Bra.

Thats about it.

So you understand why I had to text Shiv asking her to hurry the hell up because standing on the corner waiting for her I looked like $5 bucks would buy you a back-to-the-future worth ride.

Obviously I looked awesome.

And I even patted myself on the back and thought, "good job, Kitty, on picking an outfit that can double as a traditional walk of shame worthy get-up for the next day"

Anywhoo. We go to the bar. Sure enough one of the bartenders from the night is on and between the fucking glorious burger I had (medium rare, swiss cheese, mushrooms, mayo and bacon) and the rounds of free shots they decided to give up (at 2pm, which was like our 10am) we learned that the karaoke that I had so fiercely been decking out the night before is actually recorded. And the bartenders watch it.

All the time.

And they have a highlights reel.

Yes. I'm on it.

They would not confirm or deny it but I'm pretty sure the night I fell off the stage and tore all my ligament is on that tape.

So.. after a few beers, shots and great food we went on our merry way... to Shiv's bar...

My god that fucking burger was delicious. I wish I hadn't talked about it... I'm so hungry now.

ONWARDS.

We get to Shivs bar. More beer. More shots. I think more snacks but I honestly couldn't attest to that fact. I start removing "unnecessary" articles of clothing until eventually I'm in a bra, mesh dress and heels.
Make new friends, harass old ones, drunkenly text people (it's sort of my thing) smoke a bowl in the basement and generally just act stupid.

After a few hours of this general behavior I realize that it's my friend Mina's half birthday party so I jump in a cab, haul my drunk ass downtown. See this girl who is almost as wasted as I am. Hit on everything that moves from gay men to coats draped over chairs. Have a drink more and then decide that it's time to put myself to bed. Say goodbye to all my new friends and get in a cab.


And go back to the bar.


I don't know when in that cab I made the decision not to go home but I found myself back at the bar with a beer in my hand before I could say "Hell's Kitchen please."

Sitting at the bar. Scoping the talent. Now I will say this about Shiv's bar... it is fun, the food is great and I love the staff.

But it's not great for picking up men.

However I saw this one guy who had a dangerous edge to him. Eminem with a heart of gold and khaki cargo pants.
I target him. See him, choose him, snipe him.

He takes the bait (which was pretty much a drunken smile and slight nod) and approaches me. Buys me a drink - I think I'm in love. He reveals that he is an EMT. Thus I shall name him EMT Guy because I cannot with any certainty say I learned his name. Or anything helpful to giving him a better nickname.

So me and EMT guy are talking and I'm so far wasted by this point that he could have probably been a lamp post and I would have taken him home. So when he pointed out that he didn't have a place to stay and was just waiting for his shift in a few hours I was like "funny story, I do have a place to stay. You could stay there too if by stay there you mean get naked and then leave when I'm done with you."

He said yes.
We got in a cab and headed home.

Wish I'd stuck with the lamp post...

We get home and he gets naked as promise and underneath the clothes lie a disappointing body. A beerbelly where muscles were promises, really horrible and tasteless tattoos and a very small... piece.

God EMT Guy! Why you no deliver on your promises!

Well by the time were both naked enough to see this it was too late to back out so we had some quick, not very good sex and then he started rambling about how he'd love to stay but he just HAD to go to work... unless I want him to call in sick?

No.

No I do not.

Put your clothes on and get out of my house so I can fall asleep and hope that the booze I've soaked my brain in erases all memory of you.

So EMT Guy leaves, I fall asleep. The memories don't disappear but I do wake up starving, thirsty and still drunk.

And thus begins part 3...

THE WEEKEND THAT WAS (PART 1)

So...

About how it feels like it's been AGES since I last posted.

I'd like to blame it on how awesome the past few weeks have been, on how fucking busy I am raging my face off but it is just so much more shameful than that.

It's really just been shame holding me back.

It all started one fateful thursday... I woke up so sick and had to call out of work. (Clearly this is not the exciting part of the story) and I spent my day sleeping, sleeping, sleeping and drinking soup.

Then Friday came by and I was going to head to work but I still felt a little off and my boss didnt want me contaminating the rest of the office so he told me to stay home. Well after sleeping from 8am till 4pm I woke up feeling awesome, rested and HUNGRY.

So I went to visit Shiv at her work place to eat the most amazing mushroom burger.

Seriously. The burger is taste bud orgasmic.

So since she works at a bar my food obviously came with a couple of beers. That led us down the road of debauchery and we ended up heading to our favorite neighborhood bar. Where I did many many shots. So many free shots of jager. So many... *shudder*

And after we insured everyone was so drunk that they were passing out, crying or pulling irish goodbyes I decided to start singing some glorious Karaoke.

Which, while I'm singing, makes me feel like a rockstar. And when I look back makes me want to kill myself.

The balance of minimal food, maximum medication and more booze than a camel could hold made for some SLOPPY actions and piss poor decisions but I managed to keep a teeny slice of dignity and walk myself home without losing any belongings, shoes or underwear. Got into my apartment after only 14 minutes of fighting the keys and went to sleep ass naked on top of a pile of my clothes.

Yup, shoes too.

So far it's sounding pretty tame, right?

Just a normal friday night...

I woke up at 1pm the next "morning" and rolled over, pulled on the clothes I'd worn the night before, threw on sunglasses and called Shiv to get get food.

And that's where Part Two began....

Trust me... there's too much shame in this story for it to be contained in one post.

xxKK

IT'S A WIN FOR THE G-MEN

First off, I hate that the Giants call themselves "G-Men"

What is this? A chinatown X-Men knockoff?
Like... would you rather be a group of normal guys...
OR would you want to be the mighty powerful GIANTS?

Come on.

It's not rocket science.

Anyways.

As per normal I was looking for a good reason to party and get waaaasted (but who really needs a reason, right?)
And the Superbowl seemed like a pretty fucking good reason.

I mean, it's hot guys in spandex, funny commercials, excitement that only sports can bring and everybody needs a place to watch it!

Hell I already have the TV and the couch space. I bought a case of beer and a vegetable plate and that was the end of my party prep. Pretty fucking sweet.
And I invited peeps from school, from work, from life. All of my favorite people!

And they came!

I'm so used to being blown off that I didn't actually expect people to show up. But 95% of the people I invited showed up. Plus a couple spares. And people watched the game and laughed at the commercials and screamed at the refs and drank anytime there was a touchdown, a field goal, a penalty, a time out, an injury, a mention of Peyton Manning, or of Madonna, whenever a beer commercial was on and pretty much anytime anything at all was happening.

There was beer pong and 5 fingers and so so so many snacks.

Noone threw up in my bathtub or got wine on my ceiling or broke a glass or almost burned down the house or started a fight or even had to crash because they were too drunk for feet.

So prettttty much it was the most successful party I've ever thrown.

Redo this weekend? Maaaaybe...

Help me think of an excuse to party and this time maybe I'll document the festivities so I can share photos.

xxKK

p.s. there was no left over beer at the end of the night but there were two tubs of guacamole, half the veggie plate and so many pigs in a blanket. Dinner anyone? Don't mind if I do...

Night.

OOOH IT FEELS GOOD TO BE STRUCK BY LIGHTENING..

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WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GOOD?

The last time we spoke I was all ooh yay! happy shiny bright and a motherfucking sunshine out my ass.

Clearly... this is not the case today.

And it's not that I've given up on the life of positivity that I had planned out it's just that it's like the whole world is on my ass today.

Okay that's over dramatic.

But I've had a stressful few days at work due to so many phone calls and trying to make big girl decisions and being trusted to make said decisions despite the fact that I'm only 22 freaking years old and I'm kinnnnd of freaking out about this whole thing.

So as my new work friends and Liz can attest... I've been a little.. moody/bitchy/sad/stressed/angry/snacky/snarky/just plain mean... for the past 3 days.

This was not helped by the drama of family and friends.

Or the fact that it's been a year since I spent time with Marie and I miss the shit out of her.

Or the fact that I feel like I don't get enough sleep and when I do sleep I wake up sore. Or the...

...you get the point...

And then on top of it all for the second day in a row Will pops up on facebook just to say hi. ]
Like... says hi, asks what's up and then... nothing. Like... you avoiding having to see or really talk to me while I was home, you didn't answer my texts and you blow me off all the time. And then you want to just say hi? Like go away... be my friend or don't be my friend. And those are the only options now because honestly I'm not interested in playing the "I have a girlfriend but I want to flirt with you" game anymore. I've played it too much. I'm a goddamn master at it. It's not fun anymore.

Ugh maybe I'm just bitchy.. maybe I shouldn't be allowed to have nice people, who just say hi because they want to, in my life.
Maybe I need a drink. Or just some sleep.

Maybe this is just a rush of messy emotions and feelings because my period is just around the riverbend. I mean... I cried during Jersey Shore tonight.. clearly something is not right with me.

Alright... I have a super busy day tomorrow so I'm gonna get some shut eye but I hope you're all out there sending me some good juju so I can get outta the funk and back onto my annoyingly positive horse.

xxKK

ON SWITCHING 'I' FOR 'E' AND LOVE IN 2012

So this year I didn't actually set any real resolutions. I mean there are always the usuals in the back of my head...

lose weight...
finish writing a script...
find a boyfriend...
have better sex...
spend less on shoes...

The usuals.

But nothing committed to paper or anything like that.

Well since the New Year I've managed to somehow, without prompting of resolutions, still manage to turn over a tiny bit of a leaf.

I already just feel more positive. It's probably just runoff of 2011 because I have this great new job working in TV and I love it, and I've been hanging out with my best friends a lot, and I've cut out 90% of the useless drama (obviously I have to keep that 10% plus 100% of useful drama... or else life would be bloody boring) and all of that was lumped onto the tail end of 2011.

And then I got to go home for the first time in a year and see my friends and ride my moped and have sex with hometown boy and I came back to the city just even more positive. I found out that people in the office actually missed me while I was gone and I made a new friend [at work] (!!!) and I just feel awesome.

This girl started working with me 3 days a week and for the first hour I wasn't sure of how it was going to go but then I realized she was just what my girl friend group was missing. She's hilarious and sweet and a total gossip (but in the fun endearing way, not the malicious rumors way)
And usually I would have been mad awkward and driven her away but I was feeling positive and open and now we're good friends after only a week.

And then I went on a date with a guy tonight. His name in Stratton and I met him online and I didn't run away afte 3 IMs. We met up and went ice skating. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere but I'm willing to give it another shot since he didn't make fun of me for falling twice and making rail stops every 10 minutes and he thought my intense fear and concentration was endearing instead of weird. I don't know if I like him or if he likes me but, by God, I'm going to give it a try. Because I'm being goddamn positive and I fucking deserve it.

Hell I'm gonna date all the guys online.

Everyone of them.

Okay maybe not that many...

But the point is I'm opening up and trying! I haven't been to my neighborhood bars since I've been home because I'm trying (against my natural instinct) to branch out and try new things.

I'm even couponing now. Because happy people like savings too. And there's something weirdly seductive about that little slot at the bottom of my receipt that says "In this transaction you have saved $24.58"
Like... yeah I motherfucking did! High five to myself. Pat on the back. NBD.

And I guess the last thing I'll tell you about this new me is that I took the "I" out of "bitter" and inserted an "e"

(I'm saving the I to spell optimistic)

The point is..

well the point needs a tiny backstory.

While I was home he-who-shall-not-be-named contacted me.
No, not Voldemort, Mugwug.
He sent me a very kind merry christmas text. I didn't respond because I was roaming and long distant and poor. But also because I didn't know what to say. Like... you left me on the floor for 6 hours with a mass amount of torn ligaments. You lied about me to everyone I knew. You made me cry more than any boy I've ever known before and we were just friends... And then out of nowhere, after not having any contact for 5 months you send me the happy christmas text? And have the audacity to mention my family?

It definitely threw me off balance. A

And at first I thought of every childish catty thing I could respond from "who's this?" to "my christmas is especially merry without you in it" but then I decided not to be a total cunt and I just didn't respond at all.

But that's not a solution either. Because then I look like the bad guy. So I finally swallowed my bitterness and just wrote back a simple "Thanks, same to you." Because I don't need to catch up or invite conversation because my life truly is infinitely better without him. But I also don't need to waste energy on hating him or ignoring him.

I'm through playing games.

Happy 2012.

xxKK

WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE

As you know I was just back home for the holidays. What you don't know is that I was supposed to come back to NYC on the 3rd but my flight got canceled due to bad weather. 

At first I was like "Fuck!" 

And then I was like "Fuck yeah!" 

Extra day at home FTW. So I decided to go out and re-celebrate my last night. Now apparently tuesday nights are like a big going out night at home (lets face it… when isn't it a good going out night?) And I ran into Joey. Which is fine, whatever. 

But then I ran into Jack. 

Now Jack is a boy I've known of for a while but didn't ever run in the same circles. Anyways a few nights into my holiday vacation I ran into him at a bar and we got to talking and it came up that he was American (and I'm not) and we started joking that he could be my Green Card Husband. At first it was playful. 

Told all of our friends that we were getting married (they were drunk enough to believe it) 

After some bar hopping we started dancing. 

Oh jesus. 

This boy has more energy than a redbull on crack. 

I was nearly knocked over by all of his hip thrusts and shimmy shimmy shakes. But he is really hot. Like… gorgeous… so I kept dancing and flirting. 

Soon energetic dancing became energetic making out and before I knew it all of my lipstick was gone and I'd christened every corner of the bar with him. (Kissing christening not the… other… kind) 

So we exchanged numbers and promised to meet up.

Cut to a week later where I haven't heard from him and have started regularly sleeping with Joey. 

So I run into him, make a quick joke about how he never returned my call… then he drops it on me… he's been trying to get ahold of me. He took down the wrong number (oops booze) and he wanted to get together. 

Err.. oops? Missed opportunity, aw shucks. And it sucks that it's my last night because I'm sure he'd be a jackrabbit in the sheets but I bet he'd be enthusiastic in all the right ways. 

So anyways I'm hanging out with Joey and Jack is hanging around and he starts flirting and trying to dance (and we know where that goes…) so I sort of… take him to another part of the bar. Separate the two J's right? 

So we're flirting and joking around but I'm keeping my distance (or so I thought) and trying not to seem like a massive whore who's got two guys with her. But I guess I wasn't as subtle as I thought I was because people kept coming up and asking me about my boyfriend and I'm like "HA, no. Just a friend" 

But then I hear people coming up to him and talking about his "boo" and he… doesn't correct them.

Like… we made out once… I'm not your "boo"

So then it gets a little awkward because it's clear that he wants me to go home with him or at least have a repeat showing of the first time. 

And then there's Joey who's telling me how he's getting home later (hint hint) and I'm trying like hell to keep them away from each other so noone puts it together that 2+2 = Whore. 

Like I don't want people knowing what a tongue slut I was…

I mean usually I'd say no shame in that game but the thing is…  I just don't know the expectation in this situation. Like… I'm not dating Joey so I wouldn't care if he was playmate to someone else as well. Like we always use a condom so I'm not really worried about picking up some random girls VD from him. But I dunno if I'd want to see him making out with another girl in front of me… Like I don't mind if he screws her but I don't want to see it? 

Then again I thought I saw him on a date and the only thing I thought about was making sure his girl didn't figure out that he was fucking me because I didn't want to ruin a date… Like I wasn't jealous. (turned out to be his cousin in the end) 

But just because I don't care doesn't mean I should go around showing off the other guy I'm playing with. Or does it not matter? 

Ugh I just don't know how to handle it when the worlds collide. 

Any thoughts? 

Anyone? 

xxKK

LEARNING TO LOVE LETTUCE

So if you've read this blog for any substantial period of time or if you know me then you know that I have a strange love of all things airport. 

It's a weird love. 

I just love how self contained they are.

If you're bored, boom entertainment. Hungry? Grab any number of options. Cuticles looking a little mangled? Go get a mother fucking manicure at the airport spa. 

Mother fucking airport SPA. 

I mean… you can't really go wrong. 

However… this love is pretty much only for big airports. JFK, LAX, MIA… the bigger ones just have SO MUCH TO LOVE.. 

My small time hometown? Not so much. 

Only two very small food places… both of them serve the same thing. 

No internet connection (I'm writing this in text edit to upload later) 

And the only shop is a clothing store that sells fucking lame T shirts that say things like "I heart my Hometown" "I survived swimming with the sharks!" "But why is the rum gone?" 

I mean… come on. What you think you're NYC?? You didn't even fucking swim with sharks… maybe a mantaray but there is no fucking way you swam with sharks. And lets be honest… if you ran out of run that's you own damn fault. That's why you buy a case when you arrive for your 6 day trip. Can't be risking that shit, man. 

Okay hold on a minute… this wasn't supposed to turn into an airport rant… let's get back on track. 

The whole point of that was that if I were in NY right now I'd be feasting on delicious snacks, cuddled up with the movie I was streaming online and enjoying a goddamn pedicure. 

Okay that last part was a lie. I have ticklish feet… 

I would be in comfort and bliss. But instead I am sitting in a wireless cold ass airport eating a withered chef salad because its the only thing that didn't look like someone ran it over or left it swimming in oil for three days. 

And while I'm eating this mediocre salad I realized that after destroying all the toppings (mmmm meat and cheese) I'd just left all the lettuce. That the lettuce had gone from an ingredient to a holding platter.

A bit of decorative greenery. 

And then I wonder why I'm still fat…. 

So maybe my resolution for 2012 should be simply this: Learn to Love Lettuce. 

Because if I could enjoy a salad for the lettuce instead of just the toppings then maybe I'd stop eating such "salads" (like a cheese and meat salad) and start eating more actual salads and then maybe I could lose a bit of fat. Like I've started… I'm at the annoying between sizes thing right now where my pants fall off when I walk but the next size down makes me feel like a pig being turned into a sausage. 

While still alive. 

So… dear 2012… I vow to try my very very best to eat better, eat more lettuce and less chocolate/cheese/bread and hit the gym at least twice a week. If not more. I vow to venture out of my neighborhood more and see things that astound me. To spend my non existent money on bettering myself or learning new things instead of only on booze. And I vow to have a lot more sex because that counts as exercise. 

So full of resolution, hope and mediocre salad I go off into the world….

xxKK 

aw shit I'm still in this motherfucking airport….

THE JOEY FORMULA

Okay so I've been thinking lately.

(uh-oh) 

And I've realized something... I've been sleeping with Joey for about a week now and I haven't gotten all wibbly and lame about him. I haven't gushed about him to my friends, I haven't over analyzed every text he sent me and, frankly, I can't say with any certainty that I actually know his last name...

If you know me you know that this isn't usually the case. Usually once I get laid I'm in love.

Okay not that ridiculous... but I do... I fall for guys who just want to fuck me because it's just so much fun to chase after my dirty sexy playmates.

Anyways... following that formula you would think that I'd be all over that.

But I'm just not... does this mean I'm growing up? Getting over falling in love with my vagina?

OR

Does it mean that I'm losing the ability to love...

OR

Does it mean that I just don't fall for good guys...

Because Joey is a good guy. Like he's funny, he's sweet, he's dirty in all the right ways without being rude. He's not mean. He's not cryptic.
He's very fun in bed.
All of these are good things right? Like.. what's the problem? Because the list doesn't stop there...
- he's cute
- he's employed
- he's playful
- we have similar humor
- we are very sexually compatible
- he makes me laugh
- he puts me first
- he always kisses me goodbye
- he likes it when I sleep over

I could keep going...
but the thing is... this isn't gushing. It's just a list of facts. No emotion attached.

This is a good guy... I should be falling for him.

And it's good that I'm not because I don't live here anymore and I am so not a long distance girl.

But I kind of wish that when I left at the end of the night I got a little sad... that I missed him just a little bit and that I wanted to be with him for more than sex.

Por ejemplo... Last night I was planning on some good bye sex (I was supposed to leave today) but he wasn't feeling good. I was bummed out and he said sorry like a bajillion times and then finally (a little bit out of sorriness and a little bit out of horniness) he relented and invited me over.

Of course I got straight down to business... I walked in, took off my pants and heels, stripped off my outer layers and right before I was about to pop out of my knickers he was like "Oh... you wanted to get right down to it?"

Um... yeah?

Aren't you sick and feeble? Don't you WANT me to bang your brains out and then leave without a kiss goodbye?? Isn't this what all men want?

We ended up cuddling and hanging out for a bit before we got down to business and then after we watched an hour of TV before he conked out and I excused myself.

But after all that... after two hours of enjoying hanging out with him, having him do me just the way I needed and a butt tonne of cuddles I still didn't look back when I left.

I always shoot one last longing glance back when leaving my lust buddies but Joey is different.

Is this what a real relationship is like?? Friends who have sex? Because I like the hanging out and I like the sex... I just don't long for him the way I long for.. other.. people. And like it's not such a bad deal... get a good friend, get a good lay and call it a day. But then what about the magic of dating?? Like... do we give up the butterflies and three hour prep time? Do we give up all the fun of dating to get a good down to earth guy?

I just don't know.

I'm sure that I'll be talking about this topic again soon (since the idea of settling crosses my mind 6000 times a day) but for now I need to go pack my bag so I can get the hell out of dodge and head back to my city.

xxKK

STARTING THE YEAR OUT RIGHT

So in 2010 I wrote 73 blog posts.
In 2011 I wrote 37.
Instead of reversing the numbers this year I think I should aim to just add them together. Lets aim for 110 blog posts! After all... without a regular update (like the past few months) y'all might just forget about me. We obviously can't let that happen.

So far it looks like this year will be just as equally disappointing and dramatic as before.

Last year I ended my new year eve shoeless, boyless and classless. Just envision a hot mess in lace with mascara dripping off her face.
Dat wuz me.

This year I manages not to lose my shoes or dignity (completely) and I didn't cry.

Still boyless though.

Although.

Sort of. In the most depressing way.

You see. Last night I was approached by THREE separate men.
They went on about how sexy I am, how much fun I am, how they wish they could be with me, how it sucks that I'm only home a few weeks a year, etc etc.

Sounds nice, right?

WRONG.

All of these guys have girlfriends.
All of them.
So all of their "you're so sexy" came with a "but.... I'm dating someone"

Like, really??
What was the point of this?
Like why bother telling me all of these things if you can't deliver.
Like this lady doesn't run on would-of, could-of, should-of's.

The first one was sort of sweet in a misguided drunkery way.

Then came numero dos... who decided that after he showered me with compliments and what-ifs that he would then bemoan having a girlfriend... because he loves her, he truly does, but he just wishes that you and him could have your shot.
Oh! But wait! He has a great idea! "We" should convince his girlfriend to let us ALL hook up and have fun together!

Yah. That's not happening buddy.

But my all time favorite was the third one. Who pretty much rehashed everything from the second guy and THEN went on to try to pump me up. "Oh you're going to find a guy who sees you like I do. Someone who deserves you/appreciates you/etc etc." Like... a 20 minute fucking love pep talk.

Ugh things I don't want to hear when I'm drunk and lonely.

Like, I realize that one day I'll find someone but that doesn't help me right now... that doesn't help with my problem of getting involved in douchebags who are definitely short term.

Urg. Anyways I'd flush this out with more snark but frankly I'm tired and I'm rushing to get this posted before it is no longer the first day of 2012.

Now I'm off to clear out the glitter covered golden seahorse that I found in my purse last night.

xxKK

I FUCKING HATE BOYS

Okay.
If we have a purely sexual relationship and you ask me to stay the night and I tell you I'll only stay the night if I get more sex and you agree then you are agreeing to a sexful time when you are with me. You are signing the silent contract that says I'm using you, and you're using me but neither of us are ever going to say that...

This does not give you the right to ignore me when we're out.

Because guess what, loser, spending energy on ignoring me when you and all your friends know me (and your friends are talking to me and being so nice) shows more than if you'd stuck your tongue down my throat and dry humped me on the dance floor.

People. Stop fucking ignoring people you slept with to avoid telling people that you slept with them.
Firstly... as stated it's more likely to show off your sexcapade more that skywriting a dick.
Secondly... it's childish. So what, you saw me naked... who hasn't?
Lastly, it's fucking rude. Like... I am damn good in bed and you bust a nut after 10 minutes so if I can be happy with only 10 minutes of dick than you can be happy with a few fucking minutes of conversation.

Ugh. But this story gets worse.

After he goddamn ignores me all night he then throws a fit because he lost at beer pong (how old are we??) and THEN, THEN he asks me what I'm doing.

Well... I'm watching you throw a fit over beerpong you big baby.

Then he asks if he's taking me home. I say yes. Because despite the lack of talking to me and the frustrating attitude I still like sex and I have a high level of sluttiness and a low level of self confidence.

So I leave my drink and potential fun and stuff and get in his car. He spends 5 minutes bitching about the fucking pong game. Then decides to ask me how I'm getting from his house to mine... i.e. he can take me to his house but can't take me home after. (btw he lives literally 4 minutes from me... not exagerating. FOUR MINUTES.)

So after 3 minutes of arguing he takes me home.

To my home that is.

Like... don't drag me out of town with your sourpuss attitude if you aren't even going to give me a good time.

Useless!

And then his goodbye is "Well have a good new year if I don't see you."

So... you aren't planning on seeing me. Awesome.

As I told Shiv earlier... we might be aware that we're using each other but that doesn't mean we want to hear it.

Goddamit. I don't even like this guy. I don't even fucking know him. I'm an idiot. And I just called my ass a cab to go BACK to town. Maybe now I'll find someone worth my time.
Peace.

OOPS. NO WILLPOWER

OH MAN.

SO much to catch you up on.

But lets just talk about last night. And then we'll go back in time in another post.

Anyways. It's been a few months since you heard from me and I'm back home celebrating the holidays and I've realized something.

Boys are just so much easier back home!

Maybe it's me being a brief visitor, only being home 2 of every 52 weeks, or the fact that I probably have quite the easy reputation here but honestly, it's just so much fun.

Anyways. The day I got home this kid I've known for a while starts texting and it goes from "hey how was your flight?" to "ya lookin sexy, come over to my house???" real fast.

And at first i was like SCREEEECH... pump the brakes.

But after a few days of wooing and lots of texting I gave in because... let face it... I have no willpower.
At all.
Ever.

So I went over last night. And at first I was so confused. Because when he said to come over and "watch tv" with him.. I didn't think that he actually meant that. But sure enough we watched two episodes of californication before he even started flirting. But once that second episode was over BOOM.

Sexy time.

It took him two hours to make a move but only 4 minutes to get from couch to bed to naked.

And normally I would be craving a little more effort... a little more set up time... but there was no need. I went over knowing what I wanted to happen and what was probably going to happen so really it worked out for everyone.

Plus skipping to the good part means we missed out all the less than fun stuff in between. Like blowjobs. Sorry guys but if a girl tells you she likes giving head then shes lying.
Or crazy. In which case you should hold on to that gem for as long as you fuckin can.

And to be perfectly frank I got way more than I bargained for. I expected some fumbling, groping and a quickie on the couch but I got quite gloriously laid.

I even stayed the night.

Which is usually a big no-no for me. Unless I like you or I'm stranded I don't want to sleep with you after I... sleep with you...
But it was pretty early, I had my moped and he literally lives 5 minutes from me. But when he asked me to stay I just wanted to. I did tell him that if he expected to stay that he'd have to have another showing in the morning.

He may have taken that a little too seriously... ha I was still half asleep when he rolled me over.
But not too fast buddy! I wasn't quite asleep enough to forget to grab a condom from his night stand (oooh how I love a prepared man)
Anyways last night was fun.
This morning was fun too heehee.

But there is a little kink in my rendevous with... Joey.
You see... Joey knows Marie. My sister. Who also reads this blog (hi Marie!)
The combination of that friendship, his other friendships and how small this town is means that I'm pretty sure Marie (who is living in England right now) will probably know by tomorrow that I'm sleeping with Joey. Which means pretty much everyone else will know too.

Which is fine, whatever. Don't let the sleeping over thing fool you, this is just a winter hookup. I'd love it to be a repeat hook up because I had fun but I'm not looking for a long distance boyfriend anytime soon. And I do plan on leaving this tiny town after new years and going back to my big city life.

It's just... less than ideal for any other winter hookup I might wish to start... or continue haha.

Anyways. I'm off to be at least a little productive.

xxKK

AN ITCH LEFT UNSCRATCHED

So I finally pulled myself out of the pit of despair that was the last post. It took me about 24 hours.

So where have I been since then?
Well I've been off having misadventures.
Crazy too-fun-to-talk-about Misadventures.

...

Okay I lied.
Mostly I've been working.
Working everyday.. including my days off. Yay fun times.

This has resulted in me most often smelling like spilt vodka and sticky lime juice.

mmm.

yummy.

Is it any wonder I haven't been laid in ages?

Speaking of being laid...
So I came home after one of my million days of working and I was quite stressed and wound up so I decided to *ahem* go relieve some tension.
Well that didn't go so great...

I don't know how someone has bad sex with themselves but apparently it is very possible.

So not ideal.

Needless to say stress was not relieved and I was left even more unsatisfied with my life than before. It's bad enough when you cant find anyone else to have sex with you but when you can't even get it done... well that's just sad.

I have a load of stories from work but I'm tired and in a bad mood right now so I think I'll bid you adieu and save you from some unnecessary bitching.

xxKK

SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP IT ALL AWAY...

He never showed up.

I knew he wouldn't so I shouldn't be surprised.

But despite knowing that he wasn't going to I still stayed up till 3 am last night doing laundry and dishes and cleaning my house and waxing/shaving/beautifying every inch of my frigging body. I still picked out what I was going to wear and bought condoms.

I guess somewhere in the back of my head I thought that maybe there was still a chance that he'd follow through this time. I guess it's because when I asked him, not 48 hours ago, if he was coming he told me yes. Will told me not to take any extra shifts at work or make plans.

So I sat on my bed all day long waiting.

How pathetic is that?

I haven't eaten, haven't left the house. Haven't done anything. My head hurts and my stomach is grumbling so I think it's best if I just go back to sleep now. The idea of picking out something to eat or seeing people is just so exhausting so I'll just sleep until Monday comes and I'm back at work, too busy to feel so stupid.

Because it's not just that I feel unwanted, unbeautiful and truly stupendeously idiotic. It's that one of my best friends made me feel that way and frankly if that's how my best guy friend makes me feel then really what's the hope of me ever finding anyone ever again....


Pretty slim.


xxKK

ON FEELING LONELY...

Recap: Ninja got married, Charlie is off being happy with his wilderness barbie girlfriend and now Will is blowing me off.

Like... I know that I can be over bearing and paranoid sometimes. 

But this is not one of those times...

The sudden drop off in conversation, the lack of interest and the definite lack of plans all point to him blowing me off.

And that's really not cool because I asked him if he didn't want to come. I asked point blank if he didn't think he was going to make it and if there was a reason he wasn't talking to me. 

AND HE SAID NO. He said No he wasn't "not talking to me" and Yes he was still coming. 

WELL THAT'S SUPPOSEDLY TOMORROW. and I have no idea when his flight gets in, what train he's taking to the city, if he's taking a train, where he wants to meet, when he needs to leave.. NOTHING.

It's tomorrow. 

And I've tried. I've tried to BBM him all day long and he hasn't even bothered to read them. 

So I should take a hint and not bother cleaning up my living room or going over to NP's in the morning to get her to strap me into the super sexy corset I bought. I shouldn't bother washing my hair tonight and I shouldn't have bothered to pick up condoms. 

I just shouldn't ever bother. 

He's blowing me off and that's fine I guess... I with he had taken the out I offered him instead of just disappearing but whatever. 

I just thought that for 8 hours of my only day off in a week that I could maybe feel like someone wanted me. That there was a possibility that anyone would ever want or love me again. But maybe I left that all behind. Maybe it's better to get used to being alone. Maybe I'm not supposed to get married and have a big family and a bushel of pets. Run PTA meetings and drive my kids to soccer practice. Maybe I'm just meant to be... a bartender... who lives alone in the city and drinks to much.

My future is totally awesome. 

xxKK

THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM?..

I guess if it's Main Squeeze we're talking about it's more like the three millionth time. But anyways.

After my depressing reality check about the men in my life I decided to do a little facebook stalking and in my minifeed Senior Squeeze popped up. Haven't really stalked him in a decent 8 months so I had a gander. Last I checked he was still dating and cheating on the girl he cheated on me with so he was a no go.
But lo and behold top of his wall it says "Main Squeeze is now friends with That Girl."

Eh?

How could he have just added her if they've been in a status worthy relationship for a year now?

So I investigate a little bit...

Okay I scrolled through 2 months of wall posts to find out. Don't judge me!

Anyways turns out the day before my 22nd birthday he broke up with That Girl and they haven't spoken since. But then he added her back as a friend last week. No relationship status but who knows with him... is he reeling her back in for round 2? Is it FWB? Is he just trying to be civil?

None of this really matters since he's back home and I'm in the city.

Except that it's almost halloween.
And last halloween he flew to New York and called me.

And then blew me off...

But thats an old story. Anyways. He might come back... and if he's single... and if Will blows me off on Saturday (which I'm 64% sure he's going to) then by Halloween I am REALLY going to need to have some real good sex.

And MS is good at real good sex.

So.... who knows. I might just drop him a line. Remind him of what's in the big apple.

xxKK

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...

Chop chop chop em up and use em for a vodka garnish.

So Ninja went and got himself married.
Like... ring on her finger, fly off to a honeymoon, till death do us part: married.

And that was - whew - a rough day for me. Even rougher when I saw the album of photos showing him looking so handsome and happy to be with his bride, who picked a gorgeous dress and is the first bride to ever pick beautiful bridesmaids dresses. Everyone looked so freaking happy and I really really wanted to be happy for him.
And I guess I am in a way. Like I am glad that he is happy but I myself am quite possibly devastated.
He was holding on to this little piece of my heart. A little piece that didnt get smashed when Charlie walked away, didn't shatter when Main Squeeze cheated on me, didn't crack when boys stomped all over me. It was this precious little space that was filled with wild hopes and dreams of an outdoor fall wedding and a future with 3 kids, 4 dogs and nights cuddled by the fireplace.

But that's gone now.

It's not like he broke it or smashed it or blew it into a thousand tiny pieces like any other boy has... but when I saw those photos of their outdoor fall wedding and saw all of their future possibilites and of how happy they were... that piece of heart fell out of existence. It slipped out of my body and into the ether of lost dreams.

And it really hurts. This hollow ache - like phantom pains in a lost limb or the way your tummy feels when you're sick but have nothing left to throw up. Empty pains.

But never fear... I know I'm empty right now but eventually someone will come and curl up inside my heart and perfectly fit that giant gap.

It would be easier to see this optimistic view if I wasn't also getting blown off by other men in my life: my pops, the hot guys at work... Will...

You haven't heard a lot about Will thus far. He's actually one of my very best friends in the whole world. He's known me since I was 14 and has seen me through all sorts of ups and downs. We talk constantly and even when we occasionally lose touch we always find our way back.

Did I mention we dated in high school?

(This was between Charlie round 1 and Charlie round 2.)

Anyways... when we dated I was still all messed up and angsty like all teenage girls in Lust/Love and we ended before anything serious serious happened. Except that we've always had a twinge of flirtation. Even when I was with other people... or obsessed with other people. When I was stupid, drunk, fucked up, fucking around, anything and everything. He's always somehow found a way to see me in a beautiful way.

And that's pretty awesome.

So two years ago I decided to act on it and fly from NYC to see him and have a little sex-cation to tie up all those loose ends and to see if there was anything more past curiosity and flirtation. Lo and behold he has a girlfriend, who is pretty much living with him, when I show up.

Needless to day... no sex.

I return to NYC still sexless and depressed. Life continues. We still flirt and talk about what could of been etc etc.

Cut to two years later/now and he's planning a trip to NYC.
well... more of an 8 hour layover actually.

And he wants to make up for lost time...

And I am over joyed because I really need to feel beautiful again and be with someone who really makes me happy like he does.. even if its just for 8 hours.
Suddenly a week before he's scheduled to arrive he stops talking to me. Like... doesn't respond or only responds with a short answer and goes days without saying anything. He's too busy to text...

This from a man who used to exchange semi dirty texts with me while he was working with a client.

Like what's up with that??

I address the issue and he assures me he's still coming to the city but he can't talk right now. So I guess I still need the day off of work but it just feels so weird. Like something changed and nobody told me.
He has a history of doing this too... getting too deep and then suddenly pulling away with no warning. And I guess that guilt or sense of duty to his girlfriend is what makes him such a good man but on the other hand don't tell me something and then never follow through.

Or else I'll just be here again in a few years... sitting alone in my bedroom crying over a wedding I wasn't invited to with no one to comfort me but my beanie baby and a vibrator.

So I guess I'll find out in a few days whether he's planning on following through this time or not....

Night kitties.
xxKK


p.s.... remind me to tell you of the possible return of Main Squeeze... it's not that I enjoy recycling my old boyfriends but I already know how fun they can be and I don't have to train them... I'm too busy to train a new boy.
Plus I like games. And with MS it's always a game... a game of catching him, keeping him and keeping it good ol' fashioned regretless sexy fun times.