OOOH IT FEELS GOOD TO BE STRUCK BY LIGHTENING..

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WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE GOOD?

The last time we spoke I was all ooh yay! happy shiny bright and a motherfucking sunshine out my ass.

Clearly... this is not the case today.

And it's not that I've given up on the life of positivity that I had planned out it's just that it's like the whole world is on my ass today.

Okay that's over dramatic.

But I've had a stressful few days at work due to so many phone calls and trying to make big girl decisions and being trusted to make said decisions despite the fact that I'm only 22 freaking years old and I'm kinnnnd of freaking out about this whole thing.

So as my new work friends and Liz can attest... I've been a little.. moody/bitchy/sad/stressed/angry/snacky/snarky/just plain mean... for the past 3 days.

This was not helped by the drama of family and friends.

Or the fact that it's been a year since I spent time with Marie and I miss the shit out of her.

Or the fact that I feel like I don't get enough sleep and when I do sleep I wake up sore. Or the...

...you get the point...

And then on top of it all for the second day in a row Will pops up on facebook just to say hi. ]
Like... says hi, asks what's up and then... nothing. Like... you avoiding having to see or really talk to me while I was home, you didn't answer my texts and you blow me off all the time. And then you want to just say hi? Like go away... be my friend or don't be my friend. And those are the only options now because honestly I'm not interested in playing the "I have a girlfriend but I want to flirt with you" game anymore. I've played it too much. I'm a goddamn master at it. It's not fun anymore.

Ugh maybe I'm just bitchy.. maybe I shouldn't be allowed to have nice people, who just say hi because they want to, in my life.
Maybe I need a drink. Or just some sleep.

Maybe this is just a rush of messy emotions and feelings because my period is just around the riverbend. I mean... I cried during Jersey Shore tonight.. clearly something is not right with me.

Alright... I have a super busy day tomorrow so I'm gonna get some shut eye but I hope you're all out there sending me some good juju so I can get outta the funk and back onto my annoyingly positive horse.

xxKK

ON SWITCHING 'I' FOR 'E' AND LOVE IN 2012

So this year I didn't actually set any real resolutions. I mean there are always the usuals in the back of my head...

lose weight...
finish writing a script...
find a boyfriend...
have better sex...
spend less on shoes...

The usuals.

But nothing committed to paper or anything like that.

Well since the New Year I've managed to somehow, without prompting of resolutions, still manage to turn over a tiny bit of a leaf.

I already just feel more positive. It's probably just runoff of 2011 because I have this great new job working in TV and I love it, and I've been hanging out with my best friends a lot, and I've cut out 90% of the useless drama (obviously I have to keep that 10% plus 100% of useful drama... or else life would be bloody boring) and all of that was lumped onto the tail end of 2011.

And then I got to go home for the first time in a year and see my friends and ride my moped and have sex with hometown boy and I came back to the city just even more positive. I found out that people in the office actually missed me while I was gone and I made a new friend [at work] (!!!) and I just feel awesome.

This girl started working with me 3 days a week and for the first hour I wasn't sure of how it was going to go but then I realized she was just what my girl friend group was missing. She's hilarious and sweet and a total gossip (but in the fun endearing way, not the malicious rumors way)
And usually I would have been mad awkward and driven her away but I was feeling positive and open and now we're good friends after only a week.

And then I went on a date with a guy tonight. His name in Stratton and I met him online and I didn't run away afte 3 IMs. We met up and went ice skating. I don't know if it's going to go anywhere but I'm willing to give it another shot since he didn't make fun of me for falling twice and making rail stops every 10 minutes and he thought my intense fear and concentration was endearing instead of weird. I don't know if I like him or if he likes me but, by God, I'm going to give it a try. Because I'm being goddamn positive and I fucking deserve it.

Hell I'm gonna date all the guys online.

Everyone of them.

Okay maybe not that many...

But the point is I'm opening up and trying! I haven't been to my neighborhood bars since I've been home because I'm trying (against my natural instinct) to branch out and try new things.

I'm even couponing now. Because happy people like savings too. And there's something weirdly seductive about that little slot at the bottom of my receipt that says "In this transaction you have saved $24.58"
Like... yeah I motherfucking did! High five to myself. Pat on the back. NBD.

And I guess the last thing I'll tell you about this new me is that I took the "I" out of "bitter" and inserted an "e"

(I'm saving the I to spell optimistic)

The point is..

well the point needs a tiny backstory.

While I was home he-who-shall-not-be-named contacted me.
No, not Voldemort, Mugwug.
He sent me a very kind merry christmas text. I didn't respond because I was roaming and long distant and poor. But also because I didn't know what to say. Like... you left me on the floor for 6 hours with a mass amount of torn ligaments. You lied about me to everyone I knew. You made me cry more than any boy I've ever known before and we were just friends... And then out of nowhere, after not having any contact for 5 months you send me the happy christmas text? And have the audacity to mention my family?

It definitely threw me off balance. A

And at first I thought of every childish catty thing I could respond from "who's this?" to "my christmas is especially merry without you in it" but then I decided not to be a total cunt and I just didn't respond at all.

But that's not a solution either. Because then I look like the bad guy. So I finally swallowed my bitterness and just wrote back a simple "Thanks, same to you." Because I don't need to catch up or invite conversation because my life truly is infinitely better without him. But I also don't need to waste energy on hating him or ignoring him.

I'm through playing games.

Happy 2012.

xxKK

WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE

As you know I was just back home for the holidays. What you don't know is that I was supposed to come back to NYC on the 3rd but my flight got canceled due to bad weather. 

At first I was like "Fuck!" 

And then I was like "Fuck yeah!" 

Extra day at home FTW. So I decided to go out and re-celebrate my last night. Now apparently tuesday nights are like a big going out night at home (lets face it… when isn't it a good going out night?) And I ran into Joey. Which is fine, whatever. 

But then I ran into Jack. 

Now Jack is a boy I've known of for a while but didn't ever run in the same circles. Anyways a few nights into my holiday vacation I ran into him at a bar and we got to talking and it came up that he was American (and I'm not) and we started joking that he could be my Green Card Husband. At first it was playful. 

Told all of our friends that we were getting married (they were drunk enough to believe it) 

After some bar hopping we started dancing. 

Oh jesus. 

This boy has more energy than a redbull on crack. 

I was nearly knocked over by all of his hip thrusts and shimmy shimmy shakes. But he is really hot. Like… gorgeous… so I kept dancing and flirting. 

Soon energetic dancing became energetic making out and before I knew it all of my lipstick was gone and I'd christened every corner of the bar with him. (Kissing christening not the… other… kind) 

So we exchanged numbers and promised to meet up.

Cut to a week later where I haven't heard from him and have started regularly sleeping with Joey. 

So I run into him, make a quick joke about how he never returned my call… then he drops it on me… he's been trying to get ahold of me. He took down the wrong number (oops booze) and he wanted to get together. 

Err.. oops? Missed opportunity, aw shucks. And it sucks that it's my last night because I'm sure he'd be a jackrabbit in the sheets but I bet he'd be enthusiastic in all the right ways. 

So anyways I'm hanging out with Joey and Jack is hanging around and he starts flirting and trying to dance (and we know where that goes…) so I sort of… take him to another part of the bar. Separate the two J's right? 

So we're flirting and joking around but I'm keeping my distance (or so I thought) and trying not to seem like a massive whore who's got two guys with her. But I guess I wasn't as subtle as I thought I was because people kept coming up and asking me about my boyfriend and I'm like "HA, no. Just a friend" 

But then I hear people coming up to him and talking about his "boo" and he… doesn't correct them.

Like… we made out once… I'm not your "boo"

So then it gets a little awkward because it's clear that he wants me to go home with him or at least have a repeat showing of the first time. 

And then there's Joey who's telling me how he's getting home later (hint hint) and I'm trying like hell to keep them away from each other so noone puts it together that 2+2 = Whore. 

Like I don't want people knowing what a tongue slut I was…

I mean usually I'd say no shame in that game but the thing is…  I just don't know the expectation in this situation. Like… I'm not dating Joey so I wouldn't care if he was playmate to someone else as well. Like we always use a condom so I'm not really worried about picking up some random girls VD from him. But I dunno if I'd want to see him making out with another girl in front of me… Like I don't mind if he screws her but I don't want to see it? 

Then again I thought I saw him on a date and the only thing I thought about was making sure his girl didn't figure out that he was fucking me because I didn't want to ruin a date… Like I wasn't jealous. (turned out to be his cousin in the end) 

But just because I don't care doesn't mean I should go around showing off the other guy I'm playing with. Or does it not matter? 

Ugh I just don't know how to handle it when the worlds collide. 

Any thoughts? 

Anyone? 

xxKK

LEARNING TO LOVE LETTUCE

So if you've read this blog for any substantial period of time or if you know me then you know that I have a strange love of all things airport. 

It's a weird love. 

I just love how self contained they are.

If you're bored, boom entertainment. Hungry? Grab any number of options. Cuticles looking a little mangled? Go get a mother fucking manicure at the airport spa. 

Mother fucking airport SPA. 

I mean… you can't really go wrong. 

However… this love is pretty much only for big airports. JFK, LAX, MIA… the bigger ones just have SO MUCH TO LOVE.. 

My small time hometown? Not so much. 

Only two very small food places… both of them serve the same thing. 

No internet connection (I'm writing this in text edit to upload later) 

And the only shop is a clothing store that sells fucking lame T shirts that say things like "I heart my Hometown" "I survived swimming with the sharks!" "But why is the rum gone?" 

I mean… come on. What you think you're NYC?? You didn't even fucking swim with sharks… maybe a mantaray but there is no fucking way you swam with sharks. And lets be honest… if you ran out of run that's you own damn fault. That's why you buy a case when you arrive for your 6 day trip. Can't be risking that shit, man. 

Okay hold on a minute… this wasn't supposed to turn into an airport rant… let's get back on track. 

The whole point of that was that if I were in NY right now I'd be feasting on delicious snacks, cuddled up with the movie I was streaming online and enjoying a goddamn pedicure. 

Okay that last part was a lie. I have ticklish feet… 

I would be in comfort and bliss. But instead I am sitting in a wireless cold ass airport eating a withered chef salad because its the only thing that didn't look like someone ran it over or left it swimming in oil for three days. 

And while I'm eating this mediocre salad I realized that after destroying all the toppings (mmmm meat and cheese) I'd just left all the lettuce. That the lettuce had gone from an ingredient to a holding platter.

A bit of decorative greenery. 

And then I wonder why I'm still fat…. 

So maybe my resolution for 2012 should be simply this: Learn to Love Lettuce. 

Because if I could enjoy a salad for the lettuce instead of just the toppings then maybe I'd stop eating such "salads" (like a cheese and meat salad) and start eating more actual salads and then maybe I could lose a bit of fat. Like I've started… I'm at the annoying between sizes thing right now where my pants fall off when I walk but the next size down makes me feel like a pig being turned into a sausage. 

While still alive. 

So… dear 2012… I vow to try my very very best to eat better, eat more lettuce and less chocolate/cheese/bread and hit the gym at least twice a week. If not more. I vow to venture out of my neighborhood more and see things that astound me. To spend my non existent money on bettering myself or learning new things instead of only on booze. And I vow to have a lot more sex because that counts as exercise. 

So full of resolution, hope and mediocre salad I go off into the world….

xxKK 

aw shit I'm still in this motherfucking airport….

THE JOEY FORMULA

Okay so I've been thinking lately.

(uh-oh) 

And I've realized something... I've been sleeping with Joey for about a week now and I haven't gotten all wibbly and lame about him. I haven't gushed about him to my friends, I haven't over analyzed every text he sent me and, frankly, I can't say with any certainty that I actually know his last name...

If you know me you know that this isn't usually the case. Usually once I get laid I'm in love.

Okay not that ridiculous... but I do... I fall for guys who just want to fuck me because it's just so much fun to chase after my dirty sexy playmates.

Anyways... following that formula you would think that I'd be all over that.

But I'm just not... does this mean I'm growing up? Getting over falling in love with my vagina?

OR

Does it mean that I'm losing the ability to love...

OR

Does it mean that I just don't fall for good guys...

Because Joey is a good guy. Like he's funny, he's sweet, he's dirty in all the right ways without being rude. He's not mean. He's not cryptic.
He's very fun in bed.
All of these are good things right? Like.. what's the problem? Because the list doesn't stop there...
- he's cute
- he's employed
- he's playful
- we have similar humor
- we are very sexually compatible
- he makes me laugh
- he puts me first
- he always kisses me goodbye
- he likes it when I sleep over

I could keep going...
but the thing is... this isn't gushing. It's just a list of facts. No emotion attached.

This is a good guy... I should be falling for him.

And it's good that I'm not because I don't live here anymore and I am so not a long distance girl.

But I kind of wish that when I left at the end of the night I got a little sad... that I missed him just a little bit and that I wanted to be with him for more than sex.

Por ejemplo... Last night I was planning on some good bye sex (I was supposed to leave today) but he wasn't feeling good. I was bummed out and he said sorry like a bajillion times and then finally (a little bit out of sorriness and a little bit out of horniness) he relented and invited me over.

Of course I got straight down to business... I walked in, took off my pants and heels, stripped off my outer layers and right before I was about to pop out of my knickers he was like "Oh... you wanted to get right down to it?"

Um... yeah?

Aren't you sick and feeble? Don't you WANT me to bang your brains out and then leave without a kiss goodbye?? Isn't this what all men want?

We ended up cuddling and hanging out for a bit before we got down to business and then after we watched an hour of TV before he conked out and I excused myself.

But after all that... after two hours of enjoying hanging out with him, having him do me just the way I needed and a butt tonne of cuddles I still didn't look back when I left.

I always shoot one last longing glance back when leaving my lust buddies but Joey is different.

Is this what a real relationship is like?? Friends who have sex? Because I like the hanging out and I like the sex... I just don't long for him the way I long for.. other.. people. And like it's not such a bad deal... get a good friend, get a good lay and call it a day. But then what about the magic of dating?? Like... do we give up the butterflies and three hour prep time? Do we give up all the fun of dating to get a good down to earth guy?

I just don't know.

I'm sure that I'll be talking about this topic again soon (since the idea of settling crosses my mind 6000 times a day) but for now I need to go pack my bag so I can get the hell out of dodge and head back to my city.

xxKK

STARTING THE YEAR OUT RIGHT

So in 2010 I wrote 73 blog posts.
In 2011 I wrote 37.
Instead of reversing the numbers this year I think I should aim to just add them together. Lets aim for 110 blog posts! After all... without a regular update (like the past few months) y'all might just forget about me. We obviously can't let that happen.

So far it looks like this year will be just as equally disappointing and dramatic as before.

Last year I ended my new year eve shoeless, boyless and classless. Just envision a hot mess in lace with mascara dripping off her face.
Dat wuz me.

This year I manages not to lose my shoes or dignity (completely) and I didn't cry.

Still boyless though.

Although.

Sort of. In the most depressing way.

You see. Last night I was approached by THREE separate men.
They went on about how sexy I am, how much fun I am, how they wish they could be with me, how it sucks that I'm only home a few weeks a year, etc etc.

Sounds nice, right?

WRONG.

All of these guys have girlfriends.
All of them.
So all of their "you're so sexy" came with a "but.... I'm dating someone"

Like, really??
What was the point of this?
Like why bother telling me all of these things if you can't deliver.
Like this lady doesn't run on would-of, could-of, should-of's.

The first one was sort of sweet in a misguided drunkery way.

Then came numero dos... who decided that after he showered me with compliments and what-ifs that he would then bemoan having a girlfriend... because he loves her, he truly does, but he just wishes that you and him could have your shot.
Oh! But wait! He has a great idea! "We" should convince his girlfriend to let us ALL hook up and have fun together!

Yah. That's not happening buddy.

But my all time favorite was the third one. Who pretty much rehashed everything from the second guy and THEN went on to try to pump me up. "Oh you're going to find a guy who sees you like I do. Someone who deserves you/appreciates you/etc etc." Like... a 20 minute fucking love pep talk.

Ugh things I don't want to hear when I'm drunk and lonely.

Like, I realize that one day I'll find someone but that doesn't help me right now... that doesn't help with my problem of getting involved in douchebags who are definitely short term.

Urg. Anyways I'd flush this out with more snark but frankly I'm tired and I'm rushing to get this posted before it is no longer the first day of 2012.

Now I'm off to clear out the glitter covered golden seahorse that I found in my purse last night.

xxKK

I FUCKING HATE BOYS

Okay.
If we have a purely sexual relationship and you ask me to stay the night and I tell you I'll only stay the night if I get more sex and you agree then you are agreeing to a sexful time when you are with me. You are signing the silent contract that says I'm using you, and you're using me but neither of us are ever going to say that...

This does not give you the right to ignore me when we're out.

Because guess what, loser, spending energy on ignoring me when you and all your friends know me (and your friends are talking to me and being so nice) shows more than if you'd stuck your tongue down my throat and dry humped me on the dance floor.

People. Stop fucking ignoring people you slept with to avoid telling people that you slept with them.
Firstly... as stated it's more likely to show off your sexcapade more that skywriting a dick.
Secondly... it's childish. So what, you saw me naked... who hasn't?
Lastly, it's fucking rude. Like... I am damn good in bed and you bust a nut after 10 minutes so if I can be happy with only 10 minutes of dick than you can be happy with a few fucking minutes of conversation.

Ugh. But this story gets worse.

After he goddamn ignores me all night he then throws a fit because he lost at beer pong (how old are we??) and THEN, THEN he asks me what I'm doing.

Well... I'm watching you throw a fit over beerpong you big baby.

Then he asks if he's taking me home. I say yes. Because despite the lack of talking to me and the frustrating attitude I still like sex and I have a high level of sluttiness and a low level of self confidence.

So I leave my drink and potential fun and stuff and get in his car. He spends 5 minutes bitching about the fucking pong game. Then decides to ask me how I'm getting from his house to mine... i.e. he can take me to his house but can't take me home after. (btw he lives literally 4 minutes from me... not exagerating. FOUR MINUTES.)

So after 3 minutes of arguing he takes me home.

To my home that is.

Like... don't drag me out of town with your sourpuss attitude if you aren't even going to give me a good time.

Useless!

And then his goodbye is "Well have a good new year if I don't see you."

So... you aren't planning on seeing me. Awesome.

As I told Shiv earlier... we might be aware that we're using each other but that doesn't mean we want to hear it.

Goddamit. I don't even like this guy. I don't even fucking know him. I'm an idiot. And I just called my ass a cab to go BACK to town. Maybe now I'll find someone worth my time.
Peace.

OOPS. NO WILLPOWER

OH MAN.

SO much to catch you up on.

But lets just talk about last night. And then we'll go back in time in another post.

Anyways. It's been a few months since you heard from me and I'm back home celebrating the holidays and I've realized something.

Boys are just so much easier back home!

Maybe it's me being a brief visitor, only being home 2 of every 52 weeks, or the fact that I probably have quite the easy reputation here but honestly, it's just so much fun.

Anyways. The day I got home this kid I've known for a while starts texting and it goes from "hey how was your flight?" to "ya lookin sexy, come over to my house???" real fast.

And at first i was like SCREEEECH... pump the brakes.

But after a few days of wooing and lots of texting I gave in because... let face it... I have no willpower.
At all.
Ever.

So I went over last night. And at first I was so confused. Because when he said to come over and "watch tv" with him.. I didn't think that he actually meant that. But sure enough we watched two episodes of californication before he even started flirting. But once that second episode was over BOOM.

Sexy time.

It took him two hours to make a move but only 4 minutes to get from couch to bed to naked.

And normally I would be craving a little more effort... a little more set up time... but there was no need. I went over knowing what I wanted to happen and what was probably going to happen so really it worked out for everyone.

Plus skipping to the good part means we missed out all the less than fun stuff in between. Like blowjobs. Sorry guys but if a girl tells you she likes giving head then shes lying.
Or crazy. In which case you should hold on to that gem for as long as you fuckin can.

And to be perfectly frank I got way more than I bargained for. I expected some fumbling, groping and a quickie on the couch but I got quite gloriously laid.

I even stayed the night.

Which is usually a big no-no for me. Unless I like you or I'm stranded I don't want to sleep with you after I... sleep with you...
But it was pretty early, I had my moped and he literally lives 5 minutes from me. But when he asked me to stay I just wanted to. I did tell him that if he expected to stay that he'd have to have another showing in the morning.

He may have taken that a little too seriously... ha I was still half asleep when he rolled me over.
But not too fast buddy! I wasn't quite asleep enough to forget to grab a condom from his night stand (oooh how I love a prepared man)
Anyways last night was fun.
This morning was fun too heehee.

But there is a little kink in my rendevous with... Joey.
You see... Joey knows Marie. My sister. Who also reads this blog (hi Marie!)
The combination of that friendship, his other friendships and how small this town is means that I'm pretty sure Marie (who is living in England right now) will probably know by tomorrow that I'm sleeping with Joey. Which means pretty much everyone else will know too.

Which is fine, whatever. Don't let the sleeping over thing fool you, this is just a winter hookup. I'd love it to be a repeat hook up because I had fun but I'm not looking for a long distance boyfriend anytime soon. And I do plan on leaving this tiny town after new years and going back to my big city life.

It's just... less than ideal for any other winter hookup I might wish to start... or continue haha.

Anyways. I'm off to be at least a little productive.

xxKK

AN ITCH LEFT UNSCRATCHED

So I finally pulled myself out of the pit of despair that was the last post. It took me about 24 hours.

So where have I been since then?
Well I've been off having misadventures.
Crazy too-fun-to-talk-about Misadventures.

...

Okay I lied.
Mostly I've been working.
Working everyday.. including my days off. Yay fun times.

This has resulted in me most often smelling like spilt vodka and sticky lime juice.

mmm.

yummy.

Is it any wonder I haven't been laid in ages?

Speaking of being laid...
So I came home after one of my million days of working and I was quite stressed and wound up so I decided to *ahem* go relieve some tension.
Well that didn't go so great...

I don't know how someone has bad sex with themselves but apparently it is very possible.

So not ideal.

Needless to say stress was not relieved and I was left even more unsatisfied with my life than before. It's bad enough when you cant find anyone else to have sex with you but when you can't even get it done... well that's just sad.

I have a load of stories from work but I'm tired and in a bad mood right now so I think I'll bid you adieu and save you from some unnecessary bitching.

xxKK

SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP IT ALL AWAY...

He never showed up.

I knew he wouldn't so I shouldn't be surprised.

But despite knowing that he wasn't going to I still stayed up till 3 am last night doing laundry and dishes and cleaning my house and waxing/shaving/beautifying every inch of my frigging body. I still picked out what I was going to wear and bought condoms.

I guess somewhere in the back of my head I thought that maybe there was still a chance that he'd follow through this time. I guess it's because when I asked him, not 48 hours ago, if he was coming he told me yes. Will told me not to take any extra shifts at work or make plans.

So I sat on my bed all day long waiting.

How pathetic is that?

I haven't eaten, haven't left the house. Haven't done anything. My head hurts and my stomach is grumbling so I think it's best if I just go back to sleep now. The idea of picking out something to eat or seeing people is just so exhausting so I'll just sleep until Monday comes and I'm back at work, too busy to feel so stupid.

Because it's not just that I feel unwanted, unbeautiful and truly stupendeously idiotic. It's that one of my best friends made me feel that way and frankly if that's how my best guy friend makes me feel then really what's the hope of me ever finding anyone ever again....


Pretty slim.


xxKK

ON FEELING LONELY...

Recap: Ninja got married, Charlie is off being happy with his wilderness barbie girlfriend and now Will is blowing me off.

Like... I know that I can be over bearing and paranoid sometimes. 

But this is not one of those times...

The sudden drop off in conversation, the lack of interest and the definite lack of plans all point to him blowing me off.

And that's really not cool because I asked him if he didn't want to come. I asked point blank if he didn't think he was going to make it and if there was a reason he wasn't talking to me. 

AND HE SAID NO. He said No he wasn't "not talking to me" and Yes he was still coming. 

WELL THAT'S SUPPOSEDLY TOMORROW. and I have no idea when his flight gets in, what train he's taking to the city, if he's taking a train, where he wants to meet, when he needs to leave.. NOTHING.

It's tomorrow. 

And I've tried. I've tried to BBM him all day long and he hasn't even bothered to read them. 

So I should take a hint and not bother cleaning up my living room or going over to NP's in the morning to get her to strap me into the super sexy corset I bought. I shouldn't bother washing my hair tonight and I shouldn't have bothered to pick up condoms. 

I just shouldn't ever bother. 

He's blowing me off and that's fine I guess... I with he had taken the out I offered him instead of just disappearing but whatever. 

I just thought that for 8 hours of my only day off in a week that I could maybe feel like someone wanted me. That there was a possibility that anyone would ever want or love me again. But maybe I left that all behind. Maybe it's better to get used to being alone. Maybe I'm not supposed to get married and have a big family and a bushel of pets. Run PTA meetings and drive my kids to soccer practice. Maybe I'm just meant to be... a bartender... who lives alone in the city and drinks to much.

My future is totally awesome. 

xxKK

THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM?..

I guess if it's Main Squeeze we're talking about it's more like the three millionth time. But anyways.

After my depressing reality check about the men in my life I decided to do a little facebook stalking and in my minifeed Senior Squeeze popped up. Haven't really stalked him in a decent 8 months so I had a gander. Last I checked he was still dating and cheating on the girl he cheated on me with so he was a no go.
But lo and behold top of his wall it says "Main Squeeze is now friends with That Girl."

Eh?

How could he have just added her if they've been in a status worthy relationship for a year now?

So I investigate a little bit...

Okay I scrolled through 2 months of wall posts to find out. Don't judge me!

Anyways turns out the day before my 22nd birthday he broke up with That Girl and they haven't spoken since. But then he added her back as a friend last week. No relationship status but who knows with him... is he reeling her back in for round 2? Is it FWB? Is he just trying to be civil?

None of this really matters since he's back home and I'm in the city.

Except that it's almost halloween.
And last halloween he flew to New York and called me.

And then blew me off...

But thats an old story. Anyways. He might come back... and if he's single... and if Will blows me off on Saturday (which I'm 64% sure he's going to) then by Halloween I am REALLY going to need to have some real good sex.

And MS is good at real good sex.

So.... who knows. I might just drop him a line. Remind him of what's in the big apple.

xxKK

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS...

Chop chop chop em up and use em for a vodka garnish.

So Ninja went and got himself married.
Like... ring on her finger, fly off to a honeymoon, till death do us part: married.

And that was - whew - a rough day for me. Even rougher when I saw the album of photos showing him looking so handsome and happy to be with his bride, who picked a gorgeous dress and is the first bride to ever pick beautiful bridesmaids dresses. Everyone looked so freaking happy and I really really wanted to be happy for him.
And I guess I am in a way. Like I am glad that he is happy but I myself am quite possibly devastated.
He was holding on to this little piece of my heart. A little piece that didnt get smashed when Charlie walked away, didn't shatter when Main Squeeze cheated on me, didn't crack when boys stomped all over me. It was this precious little space that was filled with wild hopes and dreams of an outdoor fall wedding and a future with 3 kids, 4 dogs and nights cuddled by the fireplace.

But that's gone now.

It's not like he broke it or smashed it or blew it into a thousand tiny pieces like any other boy has... but when I saw those photos of their outdoor fall wedding and saw all of their future possibilites and of how happy they were... that piece of heart fell out of existence. It slipped out of my body and into the ether of lost dreams.

And it really hurts. This hollow ache - like phantom pains in a lost limb or the way your tummy feels when you're sick but have nothing left to throw up. Empty pains.

But never fear... I know I'm empty right now but eventually someone will come and curl up inside my heart and perfectly fit that giant gap.

It would be easier to see this optimistic view if I wasn't also getting blown off by other men in my life: my pops, the hot guys at work... Will...

You haven't heard a lot about Will thus far. He's actually one of my very best friends in the whole world. He's known me since I was 14 and has seen me through all sorts of ups and downs. We talk constantly and even when we occasionally lose touch we always find our way back.

Did I mention we dated in high school?

(This was between Charlie round 1 and Charlie round 2.)

Anyways... when we dated I was still all messed up and angsty like all teenage girls in Lust/Love and we ended before anything serious serious happened. Except that we've always had a twinge of flirtation. Even when I was with other people... or obsessed with other people. When I was stupid, drunk, fucked up, fucking around, anything and everything. He's always somehow found a way to see me in a beautiful way.

And that's pretty awesome.

So two years ago I decided to act on it and fly from NYC to see him and have a little sex-cation to tie up all those loose ends and to see if there was anything more past curiosity and flirtation. Lo and behold he has a girlfriend, who is pretty much living with him, when I show up.

Needless to day... no sex.

I return to NYC still sexless and depressed. Life continues. We still flirt and talk about what could of been etc etc.

Cut to two years later/now and he's planning a trip to NYC.
well... more of an 8 hour layover actually.

And he wants to make up for lost time...

And I am over joyed because I really need to feel beautiful again and be with someone who really makes me happy like he does.. even if its just for 8 hours.
Suddenly a week before he's scheduled to arrive he stops talking to me. Like... doesn't respond or only responds with a short answer and goes days without saying anything. He's too busy to text...

This from a man who used to exchange semi dirty texts with me while he was working with a client.

Like what's up with that??

I address the issue and he assures me he's still coming to the city but he can't talk right now. So I guess I still need the day off of work but it just feels so weird. Like something changed and nobody told me.
He has a history of doing this too... getting too deep and then suddenly pulling away with no warning. And I guess that guilt or sense of duty to his girlfriend is what makes him such a good man but on the other hand don't tell me something and then never follow through.

Or else I'll just be here again in a few years... sitting alone in my bedroom crying over a wedding I wasn't invited to with no one to comfort me but my beanie baby and a vibrator.

So I guess I'll find out in a few days whether he's planning on following through this time or not....

Night kitties.
xxKK


p.s.... remind me to tell you of the possible return of Main Squeeze... it's not that I enjoy recycling my old boyfriends but I already know how fun they can be and I don't have to train them... I'm too busy to train a new boy.
Plus I like games. And with MS it's always a game... a game of catching him, keeping him and keeping it good ol' fashioned regretless sexy fun times.

THE ADVENTURES OF DEAD MAN DANIELS

There are certain things that are a staple of desire for every little girl. Things that you think you absolutely need to be happy.

Ponies.

Princes. 

Pink Bicycles.

My Size Barbie. 

Littlest Pet Shop.

Giant boxes of teddy grahams. 

These things are scared and special and near to every little princesses heart. You can only hope and dream that one day these things will find you in life. 

You know what's not on that list? 

Stalkers. 

Stalkers are not something that people want in their lives. In fact I believe it is something that most people would prefer to avoid completely. But this Kat just isn't that lucky. 

Meet Dead Man Daniels. 

A man so old that it seems that one sneeze you push him right into the afterlife. A overweight, old as shit, dinosaur of a man.

Who is obsessed with me. 

He comes to my bar every single day and sits and orders Jack Daniels. 

And orders

And orders 

And orders.

I believe the record thus far has been me serving him 19 shots in a day. 

But he doesn't shoot them... oh noooo... he sips on them. 

Shots of Jack Daniels are not sippin' dranks. 

No sir. 

Anyways. At first I thought he was just an eccentric regular. Spent some time talking to him and learning a bit about him. 

Then suddenly he goes from regular to borderline obsessed and then to full throttle stalker.

Phase 1.

He begins coming to the bar in threes. Once at 11am (as soon as we open) Again by 1pm and again around 3pm. 

THRICE. 

Phase 2.

He starts to relocate himself to align with where I am. Like he'll sit at the end of my bar and if I move he'll move with me. Or if I'm on waitressing duty he'll move to a table... even though he's getting the same lonely shot as he was sitting at the bar. 

Phase 3. 

He brings me presents.

Yes presents. On my birthday he overheard me telling my manager that it was my birthday and he left only to return with a book almost as old as himself. 

Later that week he showed up with a bag of food. 

I fuck you not. 

A bag, Of. Food. 

It was 4:45 and he claimed he'd brought me it for lunch. My curiosity hates me so much for turning it away without seeing what was inside first but I was afraid to accept it. 

Phase 4. 

He starts telling me intimate details of his life. His father has a stroke, his mother has emotional issues. He has 5 sisters. He used to fly airplanes in the army. He hates snakes. Things I neither asked to know or even brought up anything even remotely related.  

Phase 5. 

He shows up to work. I try to dissuade our... friendship (?)... by paying him less attention and he asks me if we're in a fight. Literally asks me if we're fighting. So weird. Then two days ago he sits at my table and tells me that his mom says hi. Like his mom would know who I was. Like his mom has heard about me in a way that makes me seem like more than his bartender. Like in a creepy he thinks I'm his girlfriend way. 

Phase 6.

After two weeks of the cold shoulder he is now trying to win me over with money. Of the 65$ I made today 25 came from him because he threw down a  25 dollar tip on top of the $1.50 included grat on his 6 dollar jack daniels. 

Like... thanks? But I still don't want to be your girlfriend. 

Anyways. I'm waiting to see how far this will escalate before I legitimately need to be worried. 

Booyah creepers.

But I thought I should introduce him to this lovely ragtag mix of characters since I'm not having sex (so I can't write about that) my social life is dwindling (so I can't write about that) and the only thing I do is work/deal with Dead Man Daniels and sleep. 

It's sad. 

An 80 something year old crazy is now officially the only one who is interested in me since Will has officially fallen off the face of the earth. 

Oops.. did I forget to mention Will? Stories for tomorrow.. 

xxKK

WOW IT'S STARTING TO LOOK LIKE I HAVE NO LIFE...

...as I post a second day's blog for the second day in a row...

But as I sit here on my couch.. don't judge me, it just happens to be where I like to do my writing... and my TV watching and thinking and netflixing and (occasional) sleeping and...

shut up.

Anyways. As I sit here I realize how I have reached what might be a new low.

When I moved into this apartment I chose to live by myself. I have one bedroom. One bed. One couch. One desk. One bookshelf. One of everything.
Except in the kitchen slash dining room.... There it's like I tricked myself into thinking I had a husband and 6 kids because I have 8 of everything.

8 plates, 8 mugs, 8 bowls, 8 forks, 8 knives, 8 cups, 6 wine glasses (it used to be 8 but after a few too many glasses of vino I may or may not have broken two of them #myB) 8 mixing bowls, 8 place mats, 8 big spoons and 8 little spoons.

That's a lot of eights.

So if we count the big spoon and little spoon families as one big category then I really have 16 spoons in my house.

Not including the various mixing and measuring ones.

So someone please tell me how I am out of spoons and reduced to stirring my delicious, herbal, skin detoxifying, slendering, influenza fighting, sunshine out my ass tea with a plastic spoon.

PLASTIC SPOON.

photographic evidence. 

This is a bad turn of events.
First I lose everything I mentioned earlier and now I lose all my spoons!

What next??
Are the socks going to go on a safari trip and leave my feet alone in the cold?!
VIVA LA SOCK REVOLUTION!!!

...

Too much?

Anyways.. I will leave you (again) with this nugget of wisdom:
The rhythm of life is when you experience your own body, mind and soul.

Alright I stole that from my Yogi teabag.

G'night loves.
xxKK


and if you make fun of my john deere mug I'll run you over with my tractor.

WELL AIN'T LIFE A PEACH.

So the boy I thought I loved is getting married. And the boy who told me he wanted to spend the only 8 hours he had in NY with me is now not talking to me. My boss announced that noone is getting time off work for Christmas, and since I haven't spent time with my home friends or family since last Christmas, that means that come December 25th I'll probably be out of a job. I haven't spoken to Marie in several weeks because I'm always at work and she's got school. This same reasoning is stopping me from talking to pretty much all of my friends. Except for Liz and that's only because she works and lives with me. No escape for her.

So I'm losing my family, friends, love, sexcapade opportunity, job and probably my mind.

So many issues.
So many things going missing.

So I guess I'm just going to continue dosing up on dayquil and eating my weight in teddy grahams until I feel good enough to get on with my life.

xxKK

AND AGAIN.

TWO POSTS???
Whaaaaat?
Crazy.
But true.

So I have a lot of time on my hands because I'm home sick and it's a sunday and I'm bored slash too sick slash tired to do all the cleaning that I promised Liz I would do while she was at work.

Time on hands means more blog for you.

Which is good since I realized I left out a pretty big thing in the last post.
And it's a doozy.

So if you remember Ninja you'll remember that the last time I spoke about him I was head over heels in love with him. Like jump in front of a moving bus, sell my soul to the devil, romeo and juliet in love with him.

God I am pathetic.

Anyways. I let it sit for months and months and I preoccupied myself with meaningless one night stands and an obsession with painting and throwing myself into my new job. Then I decided (a few weeks ago) that I was done sitting and that I was done waiting to know if there was anything there or if I'm just a fucking loony bin who's made it up in my head. So I made a plan to tell him. I was going to just tell him that I thought I still loved him and let him know that I wanted him to be happy and if that meant being with Tori then I will be happy for them. But if there was the slightest possibility that he wasn't happy.. or that he wanted another option then I'd be there.

God I am so stupid...

Anyways that plan was shot down last week when I found out that he's getting married to Tori on the 8th of this month. As in this Saturday coming.

I really am happy for him... I know how much marriage and family means to him so I am happy.

Just also confused. It was only a few months ago that he was complaining to me that he wasn't happy and he wasn't sure if this was the right thing for him. Musing over his lost dreams and what he was giving up for her. Reaching out to me... a person who he hadn't spoken to in months upon months.

I guess I just thought he wanted to reconnect or something. I guess I gave myself false hope. I guess that I just wanted to know that someone wanted me. And not just for an 8 hour layover sexcapade. Not just for one night or old times sake. Not a pity date or a drunken mistake.

I just wanted someone who loved me.

I'm not a home wrecker and I'm not a total bitch so I'm not going to do anything about Ninja except to congratulate him and his new wife the next time I see them. And to do him the favor of keeping away from him and his happiness.

On to happier tales.

So I'm sick (shocker) and I'm sitting on my couch looking at the wreck that is my living room wondering how it got this bad and if it would be totally pathetic to pay someone to clean it up for me...
The answer is yes. And I really don't like people touching my things so I guess that wouldn't really work for me.
But it just seems so overwhelming. Like a giant tornado came through but instead of breaking things it just sort of mixed them up into a random bundle of crap and strew it across my floor.

I wont even go into details about how my bedroom looks...

I work so often and the only days I'm off I either waste catching up on sleep or spend so sick that I can barely order my turkey sandwich at the deli.

YES I GOT ANOTHER TURKEY SANDWICH.
I never said I was proud of myself...

So I will yet again vow that tomorrow will be the day I clean up my house/my life/my act and spend the rest of this day buried in turkey and netflix.

Send me your healing well wishes and good morrow to you all.

xxKK

A TURKEY-TASTIC LIFE

So as I lay here on my couch on my first proper day off in many many days (and by proper I mean I got out of bed before 5pm) I realized that I haven't posted since my oh-so-somber b-day rant.

Truth is a lot has been going on but it's hard for me to write about because I've always tried to keep my life a little separate from the blog. It's not like I want all my friends and family reading about my various drug and sex-capades.

Can we say awkward?

Anyways. I have this awesome job where the people are a mixed bag of awesome, crazy and straight up stupid. Where I lose my shit at least twice a week and come home feeling like a bag of meat pretty much everyday (because I work pretty much every day.) Maybe I should write some of that craziness. I dunno. It is a big bag of drama. And we here at KKC do love some drama.

Aside from work and the lack of a social life I have a few other things jumbling around in my head. Like how the only person who actually wants to have sex with me right now is already involved with someone else.

Ugh and that I can't or shouldn't go into because sometimes he reads this blog. Makes it hard to figure shit out. I mean... I know there's like this whole idea that full disclosure and honesty is good for people but I'd rather crap out without the person I'm figuring out inside my head.

In other news Liz has temporarily moved in with me which has resulted in our house looking more like a frat house (my fault not hers) and a new love of turkey sandwiches. Yes this former vegan and then vegetarian and then vegetarian (with the occasional drunken desire for hotdogs) is now a meat eater. And by meat eater I mean turkey sandwich eater.

A 22 year old meat eater with no foreseeable future career past slinging liquor and serving mini hamburgers.

Go me.

xxKK

BLOW OUT THE CANDLES

Today is my birthday.

Or at least it became my birthday 66 minutes ago.

It's 1:06 in the morning so I'll be going to sleep soon but when I wake up I will be going to work. I will be going to work where I purposefully did not tell them it was my birthday and did not ask for the day off. I will do the same mundane tasks I always do from 10am til 2pm when I'll get my first rush in. Then from 3-4:30 I'll go back to the mundane tasks. Maybe mix myself up an illegal cocktail before I get my 4:30 - 6pm happy hour rush and run my ass off.

This is my job.

And I love it.

I'm a bartender (I do god's work) and I love my regulars and I love my mundane tasks and I take pride in every single dollar I get to take home.  I love what I do so I'll be doing it tomorrow.

Because you know what I don't love?

My birthday.

I don't have a great track record with birthdays. When I was 6 I had a pool party with a funfetti cake (the best fucking cake in the history of all cakes) with funfetti icing (the best fucking icing in the history of all icings) and fake icing crayons on the sides and crayon candles. And the 6 random friends I thought to invite had a good time and someone got me the Berenstain board game and I LOVED the Berenstain Bears. So that was pretty awesome.

But even in all that awesomeness I still managed to throw up in the pool and on my dog.

Ever since then my birthdays have always been filled with hopes that this year will be better than last, this party the most epic, these memories the happiest.

And every time it is not so.

9 days before my 12th birthday a plane crashed into the building my dad was working in. Needless to say we did not celebrate that year. (He was okay in the end but it was a dark and scary time)
On my 16th birthday my boyfriend of a year and a half stopped talking to me and he broke up with me a week later.
On my 17th birthday my mom wasn't feeling well. Less than a month later we found out she had cancer.
9 days before my 18th birthday my mom died.
The day of my 18th birthday my boyfriend flew to new york where he then decided to leave me but then decided against it, choosing instead to just not talk to me all week.
On my 19th birthday I wished he had because I found out he was cheating on me.
On my 20th birthday I wanted to throw a huge bash but realized I didn't have any friends to invite so instead spent the night crying into a glass of vodka.
I celebrated my 21st birthday twice. Once at a bar where the boy I thought was my best friend in the whole world made me feel so judged that I went home early and slept on my couch and at my official birthday party, which only 6 of the 34 people invited showed up to. Oh and where that same "best friend" was such an asshole that I spent an hour crying in my bedroom.

...probably should have taken mugwug out my life long ago...




And now here I am at 22.
Brushing my hair and laying out my things for work tomorrow.

I don't tell you all this to be all woe-is-me. In fact I still love birthdays in theory. I love other peoples birthdays. I love throwing parties and buying gifts and getting gifts and having one day where I'm the special one.

But this year I'm not planning to feel special because if I plan to go out and wear a tiara and be fabulous I'll probably just end up at home with a bowl of popcorn watching greys anatomy reruns.
And that'll mean I spend ANOTHER birthday crying.

So instead I will go to work and do my mundane little tasks and make small talk with my regulars and tease the cook and take pride in every dollar I make and leave at the end of the day content with my life.

But it is still my birthday... so send me some good juju if you get a chance.

:)



In semi-related news the reason you haven't heard from me much lately is because of the job. I get home and am so brain dead and tired that all I can do is sit and eat a sandwich while watching mindless tv.

I love the job but I hate how tired I am after. I don't have the motivation to do anything let alone update the blog.
But I will try.
Because working as a bartender has opened my life up to a whole new hilarious and drama filled cast of characters that really need to be shared with the world.

Goodnight.

xxKK