CONTACTING KITTY

Hey people of the world... I recently was going through my six bajillion unread emails on my personal email account and realized that if I wanted to not blow my brains out I should probably create a business account or at least learn how to sort my emails into category/order of importance.

you know:

1) friends/drama/gossip

2)emails that contain cute animal photos

3)emails from Marie

4)emails that contain poetry/song/love letters devoted to me (you would be surprised...)

5)emails concerning money (fajah)

6) school

7) funny forwards

8) annoying forwards

9)anything else from fajah

10) spam.

But there didn't seem to be a place to send KKC concerns soooooo

Lo and behold: KittyKatConundrums@gmail.com.

if you have an idea, a story, some fan art, want to digitally accost me in written form or send me paypal donations thats the email you should use.

Please don't send me porn.

I promise I will check it often (for all the emails that all four of you will be sending me lol) and I will get back into the flow of posting once a day.

Once again... do not send me porn... I'm talking to you Siobhan!

XX - KK

KITTY ON TWILIGHTING

Okay, I am a massive nerd.. like pretty colossal. I go through books like candy and rough them up like my men. I have had to buy several copies of my favorite books because my constant reading leads to the covers falling off and pages being ripped out.

I read everything, fiction, non-fiction, romance, sci-fi, murder mysteries (probably my favorite genre) biographies and... I am not ashamed to admit... Twilight.

I'm not talking bad acting/big budget Twilight, I'm talking the books. As in the thing with pages and words written across it...

I actually think the books are well written and entertaining. And I really don't care if its supposed to be a feminist text or Mormon propaganda... its a book about freaking vampires and werewolves... that shit is cool.

Despite being a total Twilight book fan I would not label myself a "twilighter" because I think that as well written as the books are, the movies are equally horribly written. It's like Meyer took her beautiful language and dumbed it down for 13 year old middle America idiots who wouldn't know a book if it smacked them in their over sexualized, under educated faces.

Example:

In the book Jacob, Bella and Mike Newton go on an awkward threeway date to an adrenaline packed action movie called Cross Hairs.
In the movie the title of the movie was changed to "Face Punch"
Would you like to know why?
Because it was decided that the idiots that the twilight movies are designed for wouldn't understand that cross hairs are a targeting feature on a gun and not something to do with split ends... Face punch was a good simpleton way of saying 'a movie where people get punched in the face'.

Ridiculous

Example 2:

When shmexy book Edward tells Bella he's leaving her it's an emotional moment wrought with despair and confusion... in the movie the dialogue goes:
E: I'm going
B: I want to cum
E: I don't want you to cum.

oops.. did I say cum instead of come? Oh no... that is totally how they wanted you to hear it... don't believe me? Go watch the movie... even when they're supposed to be going through something tragic the whole setting is over sexualized so that the 11-14 year old girls will swoon and buy posters and little T Shirts saying "Team Edward" and generally continue to live without ever exercising that tiny little thing they call a brain.

Why am I talking about this? Well... you see.. today at work one of my older co-workers came up to me and offered me a ticket to the premier of Eclipse tonight... well... I said no... I generally only submit to Twilight movies when there are copious amounts of alcohol involved... and then she said that it wasn't just the new one... it was ALL THREE IN A ROW... plus special features and cast interviews... starts at 9pm... finished after 1am.

Hell
Fucking
No.

I didn't say that of course I merely declined but then she ran off yelling that she'd check if Marjorie from accounting wanted to go but if not then the tickets were all mine.

Dude.. I don't want them!

So turns out Marjorie has plans so this lady shows back up in my office with the tickets and says I can have them for 9 dollars....

Dude... DUDE... DO NOT WANT!

Def not going to PAY for it.

So since she didn't take the hints that I didn't want to go (what can I say...she's a self titled Twilighter, what did I expect?) I told her I had made other plans... which I did... I have plans with all my favorite men..

Jim
Jack
Johnny Red
Johnny Black
and Jose


no... i didnt come up with that joke myself...



Au Revior.

LATELY, I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT...

...Relationships.

Not just love relationships or physical relationships but all relationships.

I've always been taught that you have to put effort in to make relationship work. And that is so so true. But sometimes its time to abandon efforts and let a relationship crash and burn. For example... when people you've known for 16 years purposefully exclude you from activities then its time to stop bothering to call them when you're having a party because, seriously, you don't need bitches like that bringing you down.

or... when you realize that your bit on the side expects you to drive across town in pouring rain on a motorbike at 4 in the morning and doesnt offer to put your clothes in the dryer or let you crash there for the night.. bye bye.

or when a really good friend gets mad at you because his girlfriend won't let him talk to you... if you don't have the balls to stand up for our relationship after 6 years of friendship then I don't have the time to waste waiting for your phone call or going to your football games.

You have to put effort in but so do they. What happens when you try to drive two cars down a one way street? One gets left behind... or there is a major crash and everyone ends up in pieces..

no good.

So if there is someone that you have been desperately trying to connect with... calling.. emailing.. facebooking... texting... IMing... skyping.. showing up at their house... etc etc etc.. then its time to stop. Either they'll wake up and realize that the most caring person in their lives just checked out because of their own shittiness or you might never hear from them again. If its the latter.. you don't deserve shitty people who don't care about you bringing down your life. You deserve people who will see you for all the glory and greatness that you possess.

And if you happen to be one of those people who never answers their phone or returns a message or invites the people who care about you to your parties or any of those other shitty things then... go look in the mirror.. smack yourself in the face a few times.. and go pick up your fucking phone and call people. You aren't that great. You aren't the center of everybodys world and if you continue to treat people like they are expendable then one day you will wake and realize that you no longer have anybody to call or text or email because they will have all left you behind.

Relationships are two way streets... sometimes there are bugs on your windshield and you get a flat tire and your car over heats... but street is still there and other cars are still there to support you through your motor vehicle misery...

Maybe that was ridiculously corny or a horrible metaphor but what I'm saying is that relationships need to be a multiperson thing... if you try to spend your life making other people happy and making everything right then you'll end up with a prozac habit and some serious self worth issues. Relationships should make you feel better about your life...not worse.

So the next time that bitch ditches you at a party or that bastard makes a fool out of you... cut them off. Chances are they'll respect you more for actually having a backbone and you'll end up happy.

Happy... imagine that.

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHARLIE

So the lovely Karen wrote and asked about my relationship with Charlie.... well... its complicated.

First of all, Karen, omg I can't believe someone other than my two friends read this blog *squeal* and I have a friend who lives in Ohio too! She lives in Toledo.

Secondly... well. The story with Charlie goes way back to when I was a baby Kat. Back when I thought Simple Plan was the most badass band ever and my idea of a steamy night was when the air-conditioner broke down. Back when I was a kitten Charlie and I were set up on a blind date, mostly because we were the dark and twisty out casts of our friend groups, and somehow we made that one blind date turn into a year long relationship.

Somewhere along the way our sweet loving relationship got tainted by hormones and bad advice from our equally inexperienced friends and we went from cuddling on the couch to getting wasted and trying to.. well... you know. Anyways. A week after we celebrated our one year anniversary we decided to go on a break. Two weeks of "break" (i.e. him hanging out with his friends and me crying on the shoulders of mine) and it was officially over.

I was a baby and it broke my heart. So I tried to mend it with many men. No dice. So when he came back from college 18 months later and wanted to take me to dinner it was a second chance at happiness.

Here's a clue to everyone in the world... boys, girls, young or old... when getting together with someone don't talk about your past relationships. They really don't want to hear about the time you got drunk and let some guy touch your special place or about that married guy you slept with for 6 weeks while his wife and him went through a divorce. Yeah... they don't want to hear that.

Anyways... past relationships and many months of growing apart made for a rough re-start to our relationship. I moved to the city so we were long distance for a while and then he followed me and made very close friends with a woman I was not.. fond.. of. *cough* evil satan whore bag who threw herself at my boyfriend the first day they met despite knowing he was dating me *cough* And he told me there was nothing between them... and like an idiot I believed him despite my gut tellin me it was wrong. On my birthday I woke up to check my facebook and I had a new message from his sister.. weird but okay. As I'm reading it I realize that she's saying some pretty serious things about the state of my relationship with her brother... and then I realize that she's talking about me in third person. So I'm like.. what? Turns out he had left his facebook open on my computer and what I had stumbled on to was a thread of messages that went back six months talking about how he didnt love me and didn't care about me and how he couldn't wait to jump in bed with this other girl.

Heartbreaking.

I skipped school... went to my sisters and cried for 3 hours straight. That night he and I got together to celebrate my birthday which is when I told him what I had read and somehow he made it so that I was the horrible evil girlfriend who broke into his account and I was so stupid that I had misunderstood and that he really wasnt interested in her.

I fell for it and I am an idiot... I know. Two months later, on our 2 year anniversary we split up. Two weeks after that he was dating her.

It was betrayal and damage and made me think that I had wasted 4 years of my life loving him.

It took a really really long time to trust people again. Any people... especially men. It's been two years and I have yet to be in another relationship despite having many men in my life in an attempt to mend my heart.

Karen, I know what you're thinking... after all that how could I ever be friends with him? Well... when she then turned around and hurt him he sort of had a wake up call to life and realized that I wasn't always going to be around. He had lost his number one fan and... I don't know... somewhere in there he grew up. He found religion which has seemed to center him and, although its not my cup of tea, he has changed for the better. He's definitely not the boy I fell in love with anymore... he's a whole new person and while I don't ever want to be romantically involved with him again he's fun to hang out with now.

I've had two years to be bitter and now I just sort of want to enjoy my life. In a town as small as ours we're bound to run in the same circles so why not circumvent the awkwardness and just be friends. It's easier and more fun that way.

Anyway that was a long, not so funny post but it had a good ending.

Hope you keep reading!

THE ISSUE WITH FAHJAH

So... I've been working out lately (insert applause and wolf whistles here) and last night, like every night this week, I decided to go for a nice 5 mile run. Cool. No problem. Got my huff and puff and sweat on and then when I was throughly tired I went upstairs for a shower.

Heres a bit of back story for you... every day for the last few weeks my fahjah has been complaining about how little water we have in the tank. (I dunno how it works in other places but here we have a water catchment that feeds into a tank under the house) Anywho... so we have low water. He's the one thats paranoid about it and he's the one who complains all day long but then he fills the pool for an hour every day so that it is always lying juuuust at the top. Like really? We don't even use the freaking pool right now..

So back to me being sweaty... I go upstairs for a shower and shocker... you guessed it. No water for shower. No water at all..

My father then stomped around for an hour yelling about how he couldn't believe this could have happened and how it was impossible and obviously my fault... god I can't wait to get back to my own apartment.. and then tried to fix it himself... i.e. fucked it up further.

I then called all my closest friends and family (closest as in distance) and nobody was home or willing to let me use their shower so I had to call my ex boyfriend...

you might remembering me mentioning how a certain boy broke my heart twice... pretty epic breakage too... well.. he lives over the hill from me. and we've sort of become friends again. (Let's call him Charlie, shall we?) Well Charlie and I just recently became friendly again so it was a little weird to call and ask to use his shower.. like its not like I've never used it before but I uhh usually had company.... *murgle* Anyways... I'm pretty sure his family thinks we're back together now, which is awkward, since they invited me to the family barbaque this sunday.

Our mutual friends might also be getting the wrong idea.

Anyways I'm off to slack off for another hour and a half before ditching work to start the long weekend with a boom...

HAPPY QUEENS BIRTHDAY!

au revior kittens.

THE END OF GO FUCK YOURSELF

So I was considering doing a whole weeks worth of posts that followed the "dear ___. go fuck yourself" model but I decided that was juvinile...

..actually I just couldn't think of anyone else who deserved it...

except the lady the cut me off in traffic today
...the guy who blew a freaking vuvuzeula in my ear last night
...the idiot who told me Portugal sucks
...the people who demand me at work even though I'm not doing anything and I'm sick
...my dearest darling father who caused me such strife last night**
...and the guy that blew me off last night
and the night before
and probably tonight

But hey... they're idiots. they don't deserve a post anyways.

** - more on this topic later today

Anyways my boss just got to work... yes.. half an hour late... just like every morning.. so I should go look productive for a little while.

loves.

DEAR IMMUNE SYSTEM

.


go fuck yourself.



.

DEAR ANONYMOUS

To the lovely writer who tried to write, "this trash is why girls shouldn't watch sports - Go Ivory Coast", on my World Cup post but didn't have the balls to sign his name...

go fuck yourself

.

MY TAKE ON THREESOMES

The following is just one Kitty Kats opinion so don't get your panties in a twist if they don't match what you think... it's called free speech... go with it.

So recently I was *ahem* cordially invited to have some dirty debaucherous playtime - which I am pretty much always down for - but then I found out another somebody was invited too...

excuse me, what?

Now don't get me wrong... everyone has thought about it before... everyone has at one point believed that a threesome would be like God's gift to mankind but after talking to people who have experienced and from some, less dirty and more technical, ponderings I've realized I just don't think it would be fun.

And, I'm not a lesbian in any way but when I think of a threesome I think two chicks and one way happy guy... and I'm sure they would start out having fun but then he'd be doing one and the other one is awkwardly watching... and then the two girls start making out and dude is like heyheyhey! what about me?... and then somebody doesn't get enough loving and it gets weird... and then every time they see each other they just remember the awkward groping/watching and the embarassment of it all.

once again... not from experience just from other peoples stories... and the awkard two wenches and a pirate scene in Pirates.

Now this weird-fest gets even weirder, in my opinion, when you subtract a chica and add another dude. like...
1) why does your guy want to see another guys wang?
2) why does your guy want another guys wang touching you?
3) who the hell thinks "oh I'm getting it on with my chick... I wish one of my buddies was here"

Like hello! I'm already rocking your world we don't need to add anymore elements to this situation.

Let's not get complicated...

And like... the technical aspects of this boggle my mind even more. If I'm going at it with my Main Squeeze and Mr Joe Blow wants some fun loving too how am I supposed to help? I'm pretty much enjoying myself due to southern action so I'm not too interested in concentrating up north to make you happy... Like this is fun and that sounds like work... multitasking is not a skill that should be put to test in the bedroom. And it's just weird for JB to watch and give himself some loving because 1) dude... ur jerkin it to one of your guy friends and 2) go home and watch some porn you lonely lonely man.

And if you think you're getting any DP action... think the fuck again.

Sorry boys but, contrary to what you may believe,... I like your Man Parts best when they're down playing with my Lady Parts. I don't want to hold it, I don't really want it anywhere near my face, although I'm willing to do it as a means to an end... (its called ForePlay for a reason... it comes BEFORE my play time..) and I definately do not want it anywhere else!

DO NOT WANT

So the next time you wanna propose sexy time with you and your best friend how about you go stick his dick up your ass and see how much you like it. And if it's a lot then... well I guess I'll be finding a new playmate.


So.. just to clarify... I love me a good romp in the hay but I am not down to be the bicycle that all your friends get a ride on.


If sharing is caring then I am content to be one selfish happy bitch.



...this is why there's a content warning on this blog...

ITS A SPORTY DAY

So I, like most people, am obsessed with the World Cup.

Football is one of the only team sports that I can really sink my teeth into. It's exciting and fun and at times ridiculous and it brings nations together. I'll admit I don't really follow during the year, I try to catch a match every now and then but ESPN often conflicts with my SpikeTV shows so... sad panda.

Once every two years I get to get in touch with my roots and yell like a crazy person in sports bars. My inner "Portagee" (Portuguese) comes out and I hang a flag from my house and I take offense to anyone who says anything bad about Tiago or Ronaldo.

Yes, Ronaldo is a whiney little man but he is good at what he does and fucking fantastic to look at.

And Tiago has always been pretty solid to the team. A team is only as good as its weakest link and these two raise that standard.

That being said...

WHAT THE FUCK PORTUGAL? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING TODAY???

I get it, Ivory Coast is a pretty equally matched team to yours and maybe that scared you a bit but what the fuck. Mr. Ronaldo manages to hit the post from 40feet and you can't rally enough to get him that close again? You started so strong and then... blap...

like an over eager high school boy in bed with a porn star you lose all your confidence and ability... the anticipation and nerves are too much and despite your preparations you pussy out.

Yes Portugal, I just compared you to a limp dick.

And who wins when there's a limp dick involved?? Nobody!

So get it together! Man up and rally together and figure out how to play this game with Glory.

You did it in '08... you can do it again.

I have faith in you! Forca Portugal!

also...

if you don't find this man obscenely sexy then there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you... like...

mmmm mmmmm good.

....sweet lord baby jesus...

delicious.

FRANKLIN VS LIDDELL - A LADYS TAKE ON THE BLOOD ON THE CANVAS

So I don't know how many other chicks out there love UFC but I do.

It's an amazing sport I mean come on... half naked sexy (often tattooed [mmmmm]) men rolling round in short shorts and bleeding?! What more could you ask for?

I often find myself sitting in sports bars yelling "stop dancing and hit him!" or "don't be such a pussy! Kick him in the head!"

Ahh delicious.

Well if you don't enjoy watching hot men beat each other into submission this post is not for you.

So Saturday there was a fight between Franklin and Liddell. I'm not going to lie, I used to lovvvve Liddell. He's a staple of the sport, someone who has been around, and been fierce, for as long as I've watched and much longer. But let's face it. Sometimes you need to take that badass fierocity and retire with the dignity of a champion instead of sticking around for another few years to let your fans watch your age get the best of you. Liddell is only 40 but in a sport that breaks bones on a regular and deprives the brain of many minutes of oxygen 40 is OLD. Randy Couture might still be dishing out losses to his opponents at 46 but its not everybodys game.

Liddell put up all this face about being on the straight and giving up drinking and getting back to the former glory of the Iceman.

Sorry Chuck but after 3 knockouts you should have known better.

Franklin is a younger guy with equal height weight and reach. He's faster and, while you may hit harder (Franklins newly broken arm is proof of this) he can actually take your hits. Even with a broken arm he managed to spot an openning and knock you out one time.

You've been awesome to watch for the last ten years but I hope you don't take offense at me winning $20 off your first round knock out. And I have to say, with as much love and admiration as I can, I think you should go back to coaching youths to glory. You're already in the MMA hall of fame. Peole across the world know you. You have a hot ass girlfriend. Your blood and the blood of your foes stain that canvas ring. What else could you want?

Time to retire from the octogon and let the legend live on.

ONCE UPON A TIME...

So a while back I posted about how I wanted to lose some major weight this summer. And that is still so so true. I just want my 16 year old body back. It's only been four years since I was a size 8 (sometimes squeezing my ass into a 6) and despite hating how I looked back then I look at photos now and think daaaamn that girl is saxay!

While I realize some of the damage done by heartache and college (by which I mean by chocolate and mac n cheese) will never be undone I have my goals...

That's me the winter I was 16. Yeah, I have some love handles and I've always had a flat ass but I mean come on... Not to toot my own horn but *toottoot* I still own that bathing suit and if I can get into it by next summer and not look like a washed up balooga caught in some nylon netting then I will be damn proud.

Anyways.

Just thought I'd post some visual motivation for myself.

SERIOUS PROBLEMS

So I clearly don't bitch enough (ha) so I figured I'd dedicate this whole post to ailments in my life right now.

1) split ends
.... no i'm not kidding. these things are serious! they are like mutant split ends and I'll be sitting at work and I see one so I cut it off and then I see another... and another... and another... and before you know it ive spent two hours searching my head for more split ends and I'm in a deep depression over the state of my once beautiful hair

p.s... never bleach your hair. ever. its not worth it.

2) lack of snacks
theres a vending machine right next to my office but to get to it i have to walk past my boss and i feel like she would judge me for wanting to get snacks so often so I refuse to go there. The two exits are located outside my two bosses office so either way they would see me leave and return and know that i succumbed to my need for carbs and sugar....

im so hungry..

3) lack of sex
this doesnt even need much of an explianation... im not having it and i would like to. every man is a potential conquest and that makes it very difficult to concentrate

4) lack of muggywuggy.
i get cranky when he's away and it makes me nervous to not be able to keep an eye on him. plus, dude, sometimes a chick just needs to talk to her muggywuggy.

5) lack of fun
this place sucks the fun out of everything

6) doing work that i dont understand.
I went to school for drama and you want me to do what? seriously? no, seriously?

7) this fucking loud ass keyboard that lets the whole fucking office know when im typing. no typing means im not working (usually means im surfing the interwebb for funny pictures) and too much typing also means im not working (usually means im working on this blog)
so... gah.

8) I STILL NEED SNACKS

I'M AN IDIOT

I just had to delete my last post because I'm such an idiot. I hope you didnt get a chance to read it in the five minutes between me posting and me realizing how much of a fail it was.

murrr

TOP FIVE REASONS WHY YOU SHOULDNT DO YOUR NAILS AT WORK

Reason 5:

No matter how oblivious your co-workers and bosses may be, they always notice when your nails go from chipped crappy white nail polish to ravishing red... thus they know that you either took 5 minutes of your lunch hour to do it OR you took 30 mins of work time... and they will assume the worst

Reason 4:

Office buildings are badly ventilated... thus when you pain your nails the fumes do not disperse.. oh no, they stick around for hours letting everyone know that you would rather paint your nails then create and color code spreadsheets

Reason 3:

Those fumes get to your head and the next time someone walks by your office they think your high because you look so light headed

Reason 2:

Your office peers all think that you are a lazy worthless drug addict of an employee... and all because you wanted to look halfway decent for the client meeting this afternoon

The number one reason?

It makes writing a secret entry into your blog during work hours soo much harder.

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS...

I like sound of music and I like things so here are a few of my favorite things..

-> muggywuggy

-> hair dye

-> my kat hat

-> the rest of my beautiful friends

->chocolate... obviously...

-> sex... double obviously

-> a night abundant in chocolate and sex...

-> 80s movies

-> 90 music (guilty pleasure!)

-> the content warning that appears when you enter this blog

-> alcohol

-> and games that involve alcohol

-> easy men

-> men that aren't easy but love you

-> gorey ass horror movies

-> V8 Splash

-> Disneyworld

-> Sputnik (my baby blue puppet creature that I bought at Epcot for 9 bucks when I was 12)

-> Arsty things

-> Comics

-> my horse shaped pillow... no really.. I have one

-> animals

-> writing this blog

-> my gold fanny pack

good night kittens.

much love from Mama Kat

KITTY IS A BRAINIAC

Its true.. so true.

I work in an office *hissclawscratchhate* and one of the safety measures we implement is a keycard system... you know... credit card thing that you press against doors to make them open that are no good for dress shopping or buying yummies? Anyways.. I have one of those. But of course they, the man, did not give Kitty a lanyard or one of those fancy extending pocket holder thingies for her keycard.

Nope. Just gave me card. No hole in it to tie things to.. no system of keeping it attached to me at all. So when I go to the bathroom, which is outside of the door system, and realize that I left my plastic access key back on my desk I then have to ring the doorbell and hope they don't laugh at me when I explain I forgot my key when I went to pee.

So no lanyard, no pocket holder, no janky hole to thread some shoelace through... I have none of these things... but what do I have... not a dress with pockets, no... Boobies!

How are the two related you ask?

Welllll when I run out of storage for my cellphone, wallet, makeup, backup hairspray, camera, ID and condoms when I go out I just stuff it in my bra. Giant squishy pocket perfect for holding things... why not implement this with the keycard!?!

So when noone was looking, woosh, down my bra. Then it was awesome! The access panel, which is closer to waist height on others, is like right at my bra so I just walk by and DING! ACCESS!

Plus it looks like I have super powers when I don't have to touch anything to open the door.

which I do have of course.

muahhahaha.

I MIGHT KILL MYSELF

BECAUSE

apparently eating less + working out more + having a horrible sickness = GAINING 5 FUCKING POUNDS

I am going to go all sorts of crazy ape shit on this scale if it does not turn around soon.

*grumblegrumblegrumble*

BLOGGER ATE MY BLOG...

No really... I wrote a whole long post earlier and blogger (this site) ate it..

not cool blogger... not cool at all.

Anyways I don't feel like re-writing that blog so I'm not going to. I'm just going to run the idea of maybe adding another page to this blog for artwork past you.

More tomorrow... probably.

Love.

NOW THAT WE'RE FRIENDS..

..I feel I can tell you a secret.

story time! Gather around, gather around.

[i am aware that this is a digital world and you are not actually presently with me but play along. picture yourself sitting crosslegged on my electric blue carpet in a circle around my purple butterfly shaped rug sipping apple juice and staring at the purple walls around you decorated with glow in the dark stars and hand painted butterflies and rainbow curtains. mmm apple juice.]

SO today I was taking my pills as usual when BAM mother nature took a shit on my life and, despite having already infected me with a gross annoying painful virus, decided TODAY was the day she would send me LadyTime.

I'm usually all for LadyTime since it reminds you that no one has knocked you up and gives you an excuse to curl up with a hot water bottle, a good book and chocolate.

But alas I have the most evil cramps of all time. I used to miss school one day a month every single month when I was in high school. Very gross.

Usually I would just pop some of my happy LadyTime pills and go back to the curled up chocolate coma BUT because of all the pills I'm on right now I can't dip into my happy pill stash.

Also, to give you a clue of how evil my cramps are... I'm on 2 different pain meds for my virus... big doses too.. and I still feel like the creepy Alien creature just smashed its way out of my womb.

I sympathize with you Sigourney Weaver... I really do.

Anyways. Once I realized that the pills I am on for intense pain were not enough to conquer my intenser LadyTime pain I decided to, you know, double up my dose. Doctors usually under prescribe anyways right?

Well.. it was walking back to bed with my fresh cup of tea when I realized that I maaay have over done it.. I spilled half my tea down my leg and did not even feel it. Then walked smack into my very solid wooden door. Once I remembered how to use my doorknob I put down my tea and laid on the electric blue floor for 20 minutes because I was too dizzy to crawl the extra 2 feet to my green and purple striped bed. As I laid there many thoughts went through my head...

"am I dying?"

"did I turn off the stove burner"

"i wonder if my friends are going out tonight"

"mmm, my hair smells glorious"

"hi Dad"

"Lassie, timmy fell down a well, fetch help"

"I'm pretty sure I didn't turn off the burner"

"pretty sure I'd be dead if I was dying"

"I should have gotten a cookie to go with my tea"

"I wonder if there's any tea left in my cup"

"more importantly.. I wonder if there's any cookies left."

"Lassie, Kitty fell down, fetch cookies!"

"I wonder if my hair tastes as good as it smells... no... don't try it... that'd be weird."

"this will make a great blog."

Then the dose wore off and I felt fine. And by fine I mean the feel of a feral tiger clawing its way around my uterus came back and my legs were no longer numb, just wet.

My Dad actually came in the midst of the episode to tell me he was going out. Apparently finding his offspring lying on the floor covered in tea does not phase him.

So now I'm back in bed, sipping on my thimbles worth of tea and wish Mother Nature wasn't such a raging whorebag cunt faced bitch.

The end :)

P.s.... yes.. that was a realistic description of my bedroom. I designed it when I was 9 and for some reason my Mother thought that it was a good idea. For some unknown reason they haven't let me design anything else since... Maybe if they saw how cool my NY home was they would have more faith in my tastes...

maybe not...

RAWR! LETS BE FRIENDS!

I like to make new friends by mauling them into submission.

JUST ANOTHER MUGWUG

So while taking many painkillers yesterday, totally legal and rightfully prescribed by the way, I came up with this hilarious nickname for my best friend.

Muggywuggy.

LOL

Did I mention how my best friend is a male?

A proud, vain, manly man, sporty, lady loving male? (Don't get me wrong... he is a great person. The best person I know. But he spends more time on his hair than I do. Mine reaches my ass, his reaches his eyebrows. Unacceptable lol.) He's going to kill himself if he ever realized that Muggywuggy is him LOL.

And then I started calling myself MugWug. Which seems to properly convey the alienesqe immune system I have and my general weirdness, or as muggywuggy calls it my "specialness" lol

Weird is Wonderful right? ... at least that's what the teachers in primary school told me...



I want a new tattoo... that wasn't related... just saying.

Okay I'm going to go bother my Muggywuggy because what's a MugWug with out her Muggywuggy?

More later x




p.s. if you tell Muggywuggy that I call him that... I'll kill you.

A SHORT ONE

So I'm sick again, shocker. I have the worlds worst immune system ever, its pretty much evil.

If Darth Vader and Hitler somehow managed to simelateously impregnate Cruella DaVille the creepy looking twins that came out would be the ones who came up for the DNA blueprint that is my immune system.

I just took my fourth heavy duty painkiller of the day (a mercy stroke from my doctor who also put me on two types of antibotics) and my arms are about to fall off my body onto the floor, where they will no doubt be picked up by the creepster twins and used as rattles, so I will stop typing now and try to devise a plan to get to the bathroom without using my equally dead legs... I'm thinking coerce the dog near with Kraft cheese so I can somehow make her drag or carry me.

Did I mention shes a 30lb sheltie who doesn't even reach my knees? I'm sure this plan will work.