story time! Gather around, gather around.
[i am aware that this is a digital world and you are not actually presently with me but play along. picture yourself sitting crosslegged on my electric blue carpet in a circle around my purple butterfly shaped rug sipping apple juice and staring at the purple walls around you decorated with glow in the dark stars and hand painted butterflies and rainbow curtains. mmm apple juice.]
SO today I was taking my pills as usual when BAM mother nature took a shit on my life and, despite having already infected me with a gross annoying painful virus, decided TODAY was the day she would send me LadyTime.
I'm usually all for LadyTime since it reminds you that no one has knocked you up and gives you an excuse to curl up with a hot water bottle, a good book and chocolate.
But alas I have the most evil cramps of all time. I used to miss school one day a month every single month when I was in high school. Very gross.
Usually I would just pop some of my happy LadyTime pills and go back to the curled up chocolate coma BUT because of all the pills I'm on right now I can't dip into my happy pill stash.
Also, to give you a clue of how evil my cramps are... I'm on 2 different pain meds for my virus... big doses too.. and I still feel like the creepy Alien creature just smashed its way out of my womb.
I sympathize with you Sigourney Weaver... I really do.
Anyways. Once I realized that the pills I am on for intense pain were not enough to conquer my intenser LadyTime pain I decided to, you know, double up my dose. Doctors usually under prescribe anyways right?
Well.. it was walking back to bed with my fresh cup of tea when I realized that I maaay have over done it.. I spilled half my tea down my leg and did not even feel it. Then walked smack into my very solid wooden door. Once I remembered how to use my doorknob I put down my tea and laid on the electric blue floor for 20 minutes because I was too dizzy to crawl the extra 2 feet to my green and purple striped bed. As I laid there many thoughts went through my head...
"am I dying?"
"did I turn off the stove burner"
"i wonder if my friends are going out tonight"
"mmm, my hair smells glorious"
"hi Dad"
"Lassie, timmy fell down a well, fetch help"
"I'm pretty sure I didn't turn off the burner"
"pretty sure I'd be dead if I was dying"
"I should have gotten a cookie to go with my tea"
"I wonder if there's any tea left in my cup"
"more importantly.. I wonder if there's any cookies left."
"Lassie, Kitty fell down, fetch cookies!"
"I wonder if my hair tastes as good as it smells... no... don't try it... that'd be weird."
"this will make a great blog."
Then the dose wore off and I felt fine. And by fine I mean the feel of a feral tiger clawing its way around my uterus came back and my legs were no longer numb, just wet.
My Dad actually came in the midst of the episode to tell me he was going out. Apparently finding his offspring lying on the floor covered in tea does not phase him.
So now I'm back in bed, sipping on my thimbles worth of tea and wish Mother Nature wasn't such a raging whorebag cunt faced bitch.
The end :)
P.s.... yes.. that was a realistic description of my bedroom. I designed it when I was 9 and for some reason my Mother thought that it was a good idea. For some unknown reason they haven't let me design anything else since... Maybe if they saw how cool my NY home was they would have more faith in my tastes...
maybe not...
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