So ever since he roundhouse kicked his way back into my heart Ninja has been a ball of confusion. We talked for two days straight for hours on end. We talked about what we've been up to, how scary/exciting graduation will be, what we're planning on doing after said graduation, his upcoming wedding to Tori, their potential offspring, whether we should have to give up our dreams for the people who are important to us. And then I grew some lady balls (but only because Siobhan made me) and I asked him why he had contacted me.
The answer was thoroughly underwhelming... He just noticed I was missing from his facebook and wanted to know why.
That's it.
No ground breaking love story. No desire to see what I was up to and if he still had a chance. Just a random encounter and god given curiosity.
MugWug was right... Ninja doesn't still love me he's just a decent human being who was being nice.
But that doesn't stop me from dreaming. You see he never actually said that he loves his bride to be. He said that choosing between her and his dreams was extremely difficult because since she had been in his life so long she had become important to him. They've been together for almost 8 years and he can't say that he chose her because he loves her? I mean... he was willing to leave her for me after 4 years with her and 4 days with me. He told me he loved me before we'd ever even kissed.
This is a bad bad road I'm going down.
Mina and Coley, who have never been mentioned because we don't get into very much trouble together but who do know me well and spend far too much time with me, are happily plotting my breaking up of his engagement. They're convinced I should be actively pursuing him despite the ring he put on Tori. And boy am I tempted. But I'm not.
Partly because I want him to choose me without prompting. I don't want to break them up I just want to be there when they do break up....
I want him to be happy. Don't get me wrong. I love him, still.. four years later I know I love him, but I love him so much that I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. So, yes, I want him to leave her for me. But more importantly I want him to leave her because he doesn't seem to be happy... And if I'm wrong... if he really really is happy with her then I wish him all the best and I'll quietly dream of an alternative world where he says "I don't" and comes back to me.
Ugh let me stop thinking about this and go do some real work. The kind of work that is giving me a 24-7 headache and stealing all my sleeping time away from me.
xxKK
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
THE NINJA THAT SNUCK UP AND STOLE MY HEART
So someone just walked back into my life. Someone who used to be really really important to me.
Let's call him Ninja.
Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever. And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.
Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time. Ninja was one of my friends at the time. We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups. But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.
Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.
Something wonderful.
I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.
Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.
I loved him.
Like... a lot. But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....
Because that makes sense...
Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together. Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day. I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours. In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.
Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.
He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.
The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking. Talking three hours a night, every night, for months. I rarely slept. Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.
Conversations came to a halt.
Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.
Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.
Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook. So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.
Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"
....
Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.
And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him. We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him. A lot.
So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing. Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...
I am way over thinking this.
But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.
Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.
It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.
Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...
God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....
Don't judge me for saying that. I'm just being honest.
But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me. But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost. Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.
xxKK
Let's call him Ninja.
Now to be clear, when I say he's walked back into my life I mean he sent me a facebook message to reconnect or whatever. And usually I'm all for reconnection and making friends but we have a...complicated...past.
Back in high school after Charlie and I broke up (oh my poor 16 year old heart) some really harsh words were exchanged and I felt like crap for a long time. Ninja was one of my friends at the time. We had spanish, english and homeroom together. We weren't all that close, just playful teasing and running in the same groups. But after the break up I was pretty distraught and it brought us closer together because he was the only boy I knew who didn't know Charlie and could give me an unbiased mans opinion on the situation.
Anyways through the bonding over how awful my ex was being we started to talk about how unhappy he was with his relationship too. And our playful teasing suddenly turned into something.
Something wonderful.
I found in him the man I wanted. I found solace in a man who made me feel special and beautiful and loved.
Charlie came back into my life around then and things actually got worse... so I was driven even closer to my Ninja.
I loved him.
Like... a lot. But Charlie was telling me about how I was such a slut for having another boyfriend (not ninja) when I was broken up with him so logically I felt I should get back together with him and make it up to him....
Because that makes sense...
Anyways I got back together with Charlie and Ninja was really upset and he asked me to leave Charlie and he would leave his girlfriend of 4 years and we could be together. Which is the most romantic thing anyone has ever asked of me to this day. I said I needed to think about it and he gave me 24 hours. In which he broke up with his girlfriend (who never knew about him and I but still hates me now...go figure) and I decided to stay with Charlie.
Bad decision.
Worst mistake.
Biggest regret.
Ever.
He got upset, got back with his girlfriend and we graduated high school with drama between us and not talking.
The next year I was at college in NYC and he was on Long Island and we started talking. Talking three hours a night, every night, for months. I rarely slept. Then we made plans to meet up and right before I was going to get on a train to go see him he told me not to. Because he was still with the girl from high school and I was still with Charlie and it would be wrong because we weren't just friends. We still had all that love between us.
Conversations came to a halt.
Add 8 months, repeat. We talked, he had moved from LI so there was no meet up options but we still talked a lot. Then it stopped again because it was unfair to our significant others.
Cut to 6 months later, I have that horrible scarring breaking up with Charlie in November and run into Ninja in December. We hang out all night and then it's just... awkward because I still love him. And he still doesn't seem happy with his lady and there's just nothing to say. So we part and other than the occasional accidental run in we never speak.
Then he proposed to his girlfriend which sent me to the bar for three days. Because I still love him. And it's pathetic.
When I go to stalk the shit out of him and his engagement I realize he's blocked me on facebook. So to stop me from continuing to check on his page every day to see if I've been un-blocked I delete him from my friends list.
Cut to 12 months later (now) and all of our friends are taking bets on how long the marriage will last and I'm trying to be civil to his fiance who hates me when I see her, but she still wants to rip out my eyeballs. And then out of nowhere he messages me. "Hey - I see I've been deleted, por que? Hope you're doing well"
....
Por Que? Porque you gettin' married to a lady who hates me and won't let you talk to me, who probably told you to block me on facebook and who would rip my hair, which happens to be one of my best physical features, out of my head with her teeth if she found out he messaged me.
And while I miss him as a friend there's no possible way we can BE FRIENDS.
BECAUSE I LOVE HIM.
And I realize it's been 4 years now since we had our small affair, if you will, but I honestly still feel like an idiot for letting him go and I honestly think I still love him and could make it work with him. We just fit each other really well and I was always the best version of myself with him. And I miss him. A lot.
So I sent him a message back because I'm clearly not the kind of girl who would ignore a message that was probably meant as an olive branch of friendship (I'm more the type that stares at the olive branch message for three hours and freaks out about it before responding with a detached noncommital "im totally over you but maybe not" sort of message) and now I'm literally not going to sleep until I get a response. Because I definitely left the ending on a happy-ish "I'm totally willing to talk to you" sort of thing. Because I'm hoping he noticed I was missing from his friend list because he went looking for me because he misses me and wants to be friends again... and i dunno... all that implies with us. And not because I came up in his "people you might know" group...
I am way over thinking this.
But that's what you do when you love someone and care about what they think of you.
Anyways I thought I should tell you the story of Ninja since he's probably going to make multiple appearances on here and my tweets.
It's late so I'm going to go...make coffee so I can stay up an wait for his response.
Not like I'm sad and desperate or anything...
God I hope he's emailing me to tell me he called off the wedding and he wants to be with me....
Don't judge me for saying that. I'm just being honest.
But don't get me wrong... I'd rather him be happy than with me. I'd love for him to be happy with me. But if being with her, if being her husband makes Ninja happy then I will send him all the good juju I muster and keep back my regrets and bitterness over love lost. Because I love him and I want him to be happy. No matter what.
xxKK
Friday, April 15, 2011
WHILE THE KAT IS AWAY THE MICE WILL PLAY...
So about 2 months ago I came home one fateful night and when I walked into my bedroom something small and dark dashed across the wall and under my bed.
Naturally I thought it was a roach because I fucking hate roaches and they always seem to find me.
So I bombed my house, sprayed a shit ton of baygon and nearly asphyxiated myself.
I also slept on my couch for the next three weeks. Partially to avoid complete asphyxiation and partly because I'm a big ass chicken who has a history of sleeping on my couch to avoid bedroom inhabitants and/or messes.
But then one morning I was sleeping on the couch and the motherfucking mouse ran across my floor.
So I went back to sleeping in my bedroom.
The next time I saw the mouse (at 2 am) I engaged in all out warfare for an hour and a half until I had it trapped in a tiny corner by the door. Opened the door and whoosh, swept it outside. I saw it scrabble around on the landing before hauling ass down the stairs.
Cut to two months later: I'm sitting on my couch, feeling pleased as punch, watching a little My So-Called Life and then I hear it.
Scrabble. Scrabble. Scratch. Scratch. Squeek.
I fuck you not. There was a squeek.
And you'll never guess where it came from.
The motherfucking oven.
Yes. Mouse in the mother fucking oven.
So then I'm like wtf? And then I'm like Imma roast the motherfucker. And then, after a little google research, I realized how bad of an idea that was so I just started making noise to scare it. On and off it scrabbled and scratched and squeeked.
I mean, I left traps, dropped poison, installed 5 of those little sonic things and still it scrabbled on.
Then... nothing. No noises for a few days. I finally started using my stovetop again.
And now I can't be sure if it's the 4:46 on the clock or an actual sighting but I'm pretty sure I just saw another furry run out in the corner of my eye.
Well I'm heading out of manhattan for some debauchery with Miranda Bellevue (she likes fun) and I'm hoping that while I'm way the mouses will decide this house is not for them and I will come home to a furry free residence.
I'm also hoping that while I'm away Miranda and my two new favorite boys, Sebastiano and Juliano, will keep my mind off the mice with copious amounts of alcohol, installation wrecking, trespassing, glitterati* and fetus cakes for breakfast.
If that sounds wrong just wait till I blog about what actually goes down this weekend :P crazy times. Last time was too R rated for even this humble blog.
Anyways, I'm off to get a power nap in before school.
xxKK
*glitterati - an amateur (i.e. with yo friends) photo shoot consisting of ridiculous faces, costumes and, obviously, glitter. Also a term for the trio of Miranda, Juiliano & Sebastiano.
Naturally I thought it was a roach because I fucking hate roaches and they always seem to find me.
So I bombed my house, sprayed a shit ton of baygon and nearly asphyxiated myself.
I also slept on my couch for the next three weeks. Partially to avoid complete asphyxiation and partly because I'm a big ass chicken who has a history of sleeping on my couch to avoid bedroom inhabitants and/or messes.
But then one morning I was sleeping on the couch and the motherfucking mouse ran across my floor.
So I went back to sleeping in my bedroom.
The next time I saw the mouse (at 2 am) I engaged in all out warfare for an hour and a half until I had it trapped in a tiny corner by the door. Opened the door and whoosh, swept it outside. I saw it scrabble around on the landing before hauling ass down the stairs.
Cut to two months later: I'm sitting on my couch, feeling pleased as punch, watching a little My So-Called Life and then I hear it.
Scrabble. Scrabble. Scratch. Scratch. Squeek.
I fuck you not. There was a squeek.
And you'll never guess where it came from.
The motherfucking oven.
Yes. Mouse in the mother fucking oven.
So then I'm like wtf? And then I'm like Imma roast the motherfucker. And then, after a little google research, I realized how bad of an idea that was so I just started making noise to scare it. On and off it scrabbled and scratched and squeeked.
I mean, I left traps, dropped poison, installed 5 of those little sonic things and still it scrabbled on.
Then... nothing. No noises for a few days. I finally started using my stovetop again.
And now I can't be sure if it's the 4:46 on the clock or an actual sighting but I'm pretty sure I just saw another furry run out in the corner of my eye.
Well I'm heading out of manhattan for some debauchery with Miranda Bellevue (she likes fun) and I'm hoping that while I'm way the mouses will decide this house is not for them and I will come home to a furry free residence.
I'm also hoping that while I'm away Miranda and my two new favorite boys, Sebastiano and Juliano, will keep my mind off the mice with copious amounts of alcohol, installation wrecking, trespassing, glitterati* and fetus cakes for breakfast.
If that sounds wrong just wait till I blog about what actually goes down this weekend :P crazy times. Last time was too R rated for even this humble blog.
Anyways, I'm off to get a power nap in before school.
xxKK
*glitterati - an amateur (i.e. with yo friends) photo shoot consisting of ridiculous faces, costumes and, obviously, glitter. Also a term for the trio of Miranda, Juiliano & Sebastiano.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
SICK KITTEH
Finally, a moment to sit and contemplate life and write.
If only this moment didn't have to come at the expense of my immune system.
My immune system saw how helpful and productive the rest of my body was being with the working and the gyming and the general being awesome at life so it decided it could take the week off.
Now I'm a little freak of nature who gets sick quite often and whose resting body temperature is somewhere around 95°. Which, as you little genuises have probably already figured out, is about 3 degrees lower than you. What's three degrees though, right? Well consider the difference you feel between your normal 98.6° and the oh so sick feeling of 101°... well that's only two and a half degrees. Anyways, if I hit 99° on any given day I'm already feeling pretty crappy but this weekend my immune system didn't just take a day trip to the cape but went on a full blown leave of absence.
I hit 102°, which is like 105° for you normal people.
So needless to say I wasn't gyming or working or doing anything at all. In fact I couldn't even play video games because I couldn't concentrate on the moving pictures... and I couldn't stay awake for more than an hour.
Anyways. Thats about all you need to know about my sickness. Unless you want the gross details. But I don't feel like sharing those just now.
Well since I spent 48 hours in bed doing nothing I don't have a lot to report on. My life is pretty boring right now. Not much change from before. Busy busy bee.
Fuck now I'm tired... back to sleep. When I get back from yet another nap remind me to tell y'all about my fucking mouse problem.
If only this moment didn't have to come at the expense of my immune system.
My immune system saw how helpful and productive the rest of my body was being with the working and the gyming and the general being awesome at life so it decided it could take the week off.
Now I'm a little freak of nature who gets sick quite often and whose resting body temperature is somewhere around 95°. Which, as you little genuises have probably already figured out, is about 3 degrees lower than you. What's three degrees though, right? Well consider the difference you feel between your normal 98.6° and the oh so sick feeling of 101°... well that's only two and a half degrees. Anyways, if I hit 99° on any given day I'm already feeling pretty crappy but this weekend my immune system didn't just take a day trip to the cape but went on a full blown leave of absence.
I hit 102°, which is like 105° for you normal people.
So needless to say I wasn't gyming or working or doing anything at all. In fact I couldn't even play video games because I couldn't concentrate on the moving pictures... and I couldn't stay awake for more than an hour.
Anyways. Thats about all you need to know about my sickness. Unless you want the gross details. But I don't feel like sharing those just now.
Well since I spent 48 hours in bed doing nothing I don't have a lot to report on. My life is pretty boring right now. Not much change from before. Busy busy bee.
Fuck now I'm tired... back to sleep. When I get back from yet another nap remind me to tell y'all about my fucking mouse problem.
Monday, March 28, 2011
HOLY SHIT IT'S BEEN 2 MONTHS!
Holy shit!
How is it possible that two whole months have gone by without a blog posting?! Especially when that last post centered around public peeing.
Well I can actually answer that...
You see, when you spend your days in a whirlwind of get up, do makeup, make coffee, get to class, be productive, listen, take notes, go home, do homework, play xbox, try to work on the movie, try to finish writing my movie, get to sleep, actually sleep and wake up and do it again, it's pretty hard to then find time or motivation to log on and write some more.
And recently I've added go to the gym between take notes and go home and xbox is now xbox kinect so I'm fucking tired by the end of my day.
But don't get me wrong, despite the work and the ever-nagging presence of writing in my daily deeds I could still talk about myself for hours. So really I need to somehow find time to fit this in so my poor friends can stop listening to me bitch all the time.
Not that anyone but my friends read this blog but at least this way I can get it out in one posting and be done with the issue... yah... that'll totally work.
Well let me catch you up a bit.
School and work have me so stressed that I have a minor panic attack when my blackberry dies because I fear being out of contact during crucial moments (you don't want to see me when I think I've lost it)
Graduation is quickly descending upon me like a dark cloud of doom that threatens poverty and deportation.
MugWug and I are fighting. Well, fighting is the wrong word to use... we just don't talk. So we can't really fight if there's no talking. Part of me wants to slap myself and say look at all the past drama, haven't you learned anything? It's probably not a big deal at all. And part of me thinks that going 17 days without talking to or seeing your 'best friend' isn't normal and there is something decidedly big dealish about it.
I desperately need a massage because of the tension knot growing in my neck.
I need some therapy because vodka and shoe shopping isn't cutting it anymore.
I probably need a doctor for my face tumor (more on that in a later post)
And I need a fucking facial because working out everyday has been clogging up my pores no matter how hard I exfoliate afterwards.
Oh and I need a tan because I look like a ghost.
"Men?", you ask.
Well... No.
No men. Which means no sex which means I definitely need that massage and gym time because I ain't getting no tension relief anywhere else...
I've got a flight in the morning so I bid you all adieu but I will try to fit 'write on KKC' somewhere into that schedule. I'm sure it'll cut into my sleep time but I'm not very good at sleeping so it's pretty much a lost cause anyways.
Love you all.
xxKK
How is it possible that two whole months have gone by without a blog posting?! Especially when that last post centered around public peeing.
Well I can actually answer that...
You see, when you spend your days in a whirlwind of get up, do makeup, make coffee, get to class, be productive, listen, take notes, go home, do homework, play xbox, try to work on the movie, try to finish writing my movie, get to sleep, actually sleep and wake up and do it again, it's pretty hard to then find time or motivation to log on and write some more.
And recently I've added go to the gym between take notes and go home and xbox is now xbox kinect so I'm fucking tired by the end of my day.
But don't get me wrong, despite the work and the ever-nagging presence of writing in my daily deeds I could still talk about myself for hours. So really I need to somehow find time to fit this in so my poor friends can stop listening to me bitch all the time.
Not that anyone but my friends read this blog but at least this way I can get it out in one posting and be done with the issue... yah... that'll totally work.
Well let me catch you up a bit.
School and work have me so stressed that I have a minor panic attack when my blackberry dies because I fear being out of contact during crucial moments (you don't want to see me when I think I've lost it)
Graduation is quickly descending upon me like a dark cloud of doom that threatens poverty and deportation.
MugWug and I are fighting. Well, fighting is the wrong word to use... we just don't talk. So we can't really fight if there's no talking. Part of me wants to slap myself and say look at all the past drama, haven't you learned anything? It's probably not a big deal at all. And part of me thinks that going 17 days without talking to or seeing your 'best friend' isn't normal and there is something decidedly big dealish about it.
I desperately need a massage because of the tension knot growing in my neck.
I need some therapy because vodka and shoe shopping isn't cutting it anymore.
I probably need a doctor for my face tumor (more on that in a later post)
And I need a fucking facial because working out everyday has been clogging up my pores no matter how hard I exfoliate afterwards.
Oh and I need a tan because I look like a ghost.
"Men?", you ask.
Well... No.
No men. Which means no sex which means I definitely need that massage and gym time because I ain't getting no tension relief anywhere else...
I've got a flight in the morning so I bid you all adieu but I will try to fit 'write on KKC' somewhere into that schedule. I'm sure it'll cut into my sleep time but I'm not very good at sleeping so it's pretty much a lost cause anyways.
Love you all.
xxKK
Sunday, January 23, 2011
NOSEBLEEDS AND PUBLIC URINATION
SO tonight me and MugWug went out with a couple of his LaX buddies (that's a pretentious way to say Lacrosse.. get it? La- Cross = Lax.)
It was super fun and we drank and danced and despite this being the only day in my life where I didn't have make up in my purse I still had a good time despite not planning to go out...and therefore not being appropriately made up or dressed up.
First just me and MugWug went to get some Korean food... mmmmm my favorite fucking thing ever (seriously if you ever piss me off just take me for bibimbop and we'll be cool) and had dinner and two glasses of water.
Then we go to see a movie (Kings Speech... if you haven't seen it, go. I loved it so hard we could have made a baby) and I had a soda. Which, while being a "small", filled me up to the brim.
Then we decide to go to a bar to meet his friends. Introductions and 1 heineken.
Then the bar sort of dies so we move to another... more introductions, run into an old friend and three Heinekens, 1 shot and a glass of water.
Do you see what's happening?
Lots of liquid and no bathroom breaks...
So at 4am... after being out for almost twelve hours I was in a cab on my way home and I was dyiiiiing. I needed to pee so bad that 4 blocks from my apartment I almost asked the cabbie to pull over so I could pop a squat.
But this is not such a brilliant idea you see, because, I live off of Times fucking Square. Just as I had made my mind up to not suffer and just stop and pee over a subway grate or in the corner between the wall and the entrance to Starbucks a fucking cop car went past me and I remembered that public urination was sort of a no-no here.
And then I have a little gander around and I notice TWELVE OTHER COP CARS.
Of course... this is Times Square after all.
And as an international member of society I really don't need the cops taking an interest in my actions so.... I sucked it up and stayed in the car.
Got home and peed so hard I thought my bladder would fall out and just when I thought the worst was over I decided to make a snack of granola and blueberries and milk. Mix in a bowl and bring to my room.
Go to take a bite and notice the milk is sort of pink... as I look closer.. drip drop, a little red dot appears in the milk. Wipe my hand under my nose and lo and behold... a nose bleed.
Shocker.
So now I have vaseline up my nose (I hear it helps stop bleeding and keep passages moist) pink milk and a tired body. I think I'll sleep now and pray that this vaseline works and I don't wake up in a pool of my own blood again.
Night kittens.
xxKK
It was super fun and we drank and danced and despite this being the only day in my life where I didn't have make up in my purse I still had a good time despite not planning to go out...and therefore not being appropriately made up or dressed up.
First just me and MugWug went to get some Korean food... mmmmm my favorite fucking thing ever (seriously if you ever piss me off just take me for bibimbop and we'll be cool) and had dinner and two glasses of water.
Then we go to see a movie (Kings Speech... if you haven't seen it, go. I loved it so hard we could have made a baby) and I had a soda. Which, while being a "small", filled me up to the brim.
Then we decide to go to a bar to meet his friends. Introductions and 1 heineken.
Then the bar sort of dies so we move to another... more introductions, run into an old friend and three Heinekens, 1 shot and a glass of water.
Do you see what's happening?
Lots of liquid and no bathroom breaks...
So at 4am... after being out for almost twelve hours I was in a cab on my way home and I was dyiiiiing. I needed to pee so bad that 4 blocks from my apartment I almost asked the cabbie to pull over so I could pop a squat.
But this is not such a brilliant idea you see, because, I live off of Times fucking Square. Just as I had made my mind up to not suffer and just stop and pee over a subway grate or in the corner between the wall and the entrance to Starbucks a fucking cop car went past me and I remembered that public urination was sort of a no-no here.
And then I have a little gander around and I notice TWELVE OTHER COP CARS.
Of course... this is Times Square after all.
And as an international member of society I really don't need the cops taking an interest in my actions so.... I sucked it up and stayed in the car.
Got home and peed so hard I thought my bladder would fall out and just when I thought the worst was over I decided to make a snack of granola and blueberries and milk. Mix in a bowl and bring to my room.
Go to take a bite and notice the milk is sort of pink... as I look closer.. drip drop, a little red dot appears in the milk. Wipe my hand under my nose and lo and behold... a nose bleed.
Shocker.
So now I have vaseline up my nose (I hear it helps stop bleeding and keep passages moist) pink milk and a tired body. I think I'll sleep now and pray that this vaseline works and I don't wake up in a pool of my own blood again.
Night kittens.
xxKK
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
A BIT ABOUT "PBA"
So... I sort of brought up the general topic of PBAs (Penis By Appointment) the sort of in-between of One Night Stands and Fuck Buddies.
And I sort of mentioned that PBA, as far as the rest of this blog goes, unless otherwise stated, is actually a new person of interest. I mentioned that right? Somewhere in tiny font in a post script?
So really by bringing the idea of PBA to your attention I was actually trying to introduce a new character....
Can I call him a character? I mean all the people I write about are real people.. including PBA. But their lives are only interesting to write about when they pertain to the focus of this blog: Me.
(I did admit in the very first post of KKC that blogging is extremely narcissistic.)
So in someways he is just a character. Because just like selective honesty is the same as lying, selective storytelling is sort of like fictionalizing.
But it's not fiction. It's my life.
Anyways. So PBA and I decided to become... well... Penis By Appointment friends. We rarely hang out and when we do it always turns to talk of sex and I'm not getting any and He's not getting any so why not use each other in times of need?
Right?
Wrong.
So we decide this and we talk about it ALL THE TIME when I'm in NYC and he's in the fucking UK. And we finally get home for winter break after talking about it for weeks and then... nothing.
We occasionally talk on skype but he's usually heading out and I'm usually feeding the dog or sleeping when he calls (because he calls at 3 in the goddamn morning!) So we keep missing each other. Then it comes time for him to leave but lo and behold his flight gets cancelled and pushed back a week.
It's like God wants me to get laid.
But then he like disappears into his house like a fucking rat and I don't hear from him until last night.
And last night he only spoke to me to remind me that he only had one day left before he left (which makes it tomorrow now) and he was surprised he hadn't seen me at his house yet...
Excuse me?
Dear PBA,
You live an hour away from me, which is as far as you can possibly get from one another on this tiny island) and it's been windy as hell, I only have a motorcycle license and frankly I'm not going to drive for an hour in gale force winds on a lark, hoping to run into you at your house that I'm not actually sure if you're at or not because YOU NEVER TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE HOME.
Also, if you can't pick up the phone and call me to say "hi", let alone "lets fuck", then I honestly don't have the energy to put into the commute let alone the sex.
Love, Kitty.
So he calls, wants to see me BUT (shocker) he's busy alllllllll day hanging out with his grandpa. Maybe at night we can finally meet up and sex in the back of the bar he owns.
Romantic, I know.
So I agree, hell why not? I've got nothing better to do with my Tuesday nights. So I spend the day chilling and being awesome like usual and then around 8pm I change into my Kitty PJs (yes I own pajamas with cats on them...two pairs in fact. These ones are pink) because I figure that the only way that he could possibly even think of calling me is if it is the most inconvenient time. Like if I was in my PJs halfway to passed out watching a really good movie on cable.
But apparently even playing against the odds won't help this Kat get some.
It's now 9:36. If I don't hear from him by 10 it's a no go. First, who hangs out with their Grandpa til 10pm the day/night before they fly away from all their friends for 6 months. Second, if you don't call me by 10 then I won't get there till 11 (and that's driving in the dark with wind and rain) and then, if you're worth your stuff, we won't be done til 12 and I won't get home til 1 am. I try to be off my motorcycle by midnight. Any later and I take a cab... its safety first. And lastly, if I am the last thing to do (literally) on your pre-flight checklist then you honestly don't deserve to have me. I should have been the first thing.
Because while I know we aren't going to fall in love and runaway together or any of that crap I do know that I am awesome in bed. Even in the back room of your bar.
So I'm ending this transaction of penis for lady parts.
But you've earned the nickname PBA, you little manslut, so that stays.
Yours,
Kitty.
xxKK
And I sort of mentioned that PBA, as far as the rest of this blog goes, unless otherwise stated, is actually a new person of interest. I mentioned that right? Somewhere in tiny font in a post script?
So really by bringing the idea of PBA to your attention I was actually trying to introduce a new character....
Can I call him a character? I mean all the people I write about are real people.. including PBA. But their lives are only interesting to write about when they pertain to the focus of this blog: Me.
(I did admit in the very first post of KKC that blogging is extremely narcissistic.)
So in someways he is just a character. Because just like selective honesty is the same as lying, selective storytelling is sort of like fictionalizing.
But it's not fiction. It's my life.
Anyways. So PBA and I decided to become... well... Penis By Appointment friends. We rarely hang out and when we do it always turns to talk of sex and I'm not getting any and He's not getting any so why not use each other in times of need?
Right?
Wrong.
So we decide this and we talk about it ALL THE TIME when I'm in NYC and he's in the fucking UK. And we finally get home for winter break after talking about it for weeks and then... nothing.
We occasionally talk on skype but he's usually heading out and I'm usually feeding the dog or sleeping when he calls (because he calls at 3 in the goddamn morning!) So we keep missing each other. Then it comes time for him to leave but lo and behold his flight gets cancelled and pushed back a week.
It's like God wants me to get laid.
But then he like disappears into his house like a fucking rat and I don't hear from him until last night.
And last night he only spoke to me to remind me that he only had one day left before he left (which makes it tomorrow now) and he was surprised he hadn't seen me at his house yet...
Excuse me?
Dear PBA,
You live an hour away from me, which is as far as you can possibly get from one another on this tiny island) and it's been windy as hell, I only have a motorcycle license and frankly I'm not going to drive for an hour in gale force winds on a lark, hoping to run into you at your house that I'm not actually sure if you're at or not because YOU NEVER TELL ME WHEN YOU ARE HOME.
Also, if you can't pick up the phone and call me to say "hi", let alone "lets fuck", then I honestly don't have the energy to put into the commute let alone the sex.
Love, Kitty.
So he calls, wants to see me BUT (shocker) he's busy alllllllll day hanging out with his grandpa. Maybe at night we can finally meet up and sex in the back of the bar he owns.
Romantic, I know.
So I agree, hell why not? I've got nothing better to do with my Tuesday nights. So I spend the day chilling and being awesome like usual and then around 8pm I change into my Kitty PJs (yes I own pajamas with cats on them...two pairs in fact. These ones are pink) because I figure that the only way that he could possibly even think of calling me is if it is the most inconvenient time. Like if I was in my PJs halfway to passed out watching a really good movie on cable.
But apparently even playing against the odds won't help this Kat get some.
It's now 9:36. If I don't hear from him by 10 it's a no go. First, who hangs out with their Grandpa til 10pm the day/night before they fly away from all their friends for 6 months. Second, if you don't call me by 10 then I won't get there till 11 (and that's driving in the dark with wind and rain) and then, if you're worth your stuff, we won't be done til 12 and I won't get home til 1 am. I try to be off my motorcycle by midnight. Any later and I take a cab... its safety first. And lastly, if I am the last thing to do (literally) on your pre-flight checklist then you honestly don't deserve to have me. I should have been the first thing.
Because while I know we aren't going to fall in love and runaway together or any of that crap I do know that I am awesome in bed. Even in the back room of your bar.
So I'm ending this transaction of penis for lady parts.
But you've earned the nickname PBA, you little manslut, so that stays.
Yours,
Kitty.
xxKK
WALK IN BATHTUBS...
So I was watching TV today and a commercial come on for walk in bathtubs.
They're easy access tubs for old people. You can get the seated version where you walk in, close the door behind you and fills up around you. Like sitting in a hot tub. OR you can get the automated version which is like a lawn chair. You lie on in and it lifts you into the bathtub in a lying position.
Why am I telling you about something that is clearly aimed at old people?
Well, I'll tell you.
You see when these commercials usually come on I just sort of laugh and go back to thinking about the shoes I just bought or finding some advil for my headache, that sort of thing. This time was different. I was in the middle of twitter stalking Siobhan (find her at http://twitter.com/siobhans13 or http://siobhanstevenson.blogspot.com/) And was quite involved with twitter-bugging her when the walk in tub advert came on.
And I was interested...
Like... I put aside my gossip hunting and actually paid attention. At first I was like meh. Commercial. Then I was like... hmm that looks pretty comfortable. Hmm.. I like baths. Hmm... I have bad knees, I could totally use something like that. Oohh It has massage jets too! Oooh it fills up in only 3 minutes. Oh look at that darling little shelf, I could put a book there and.....
whoa whoa whoa!
Who AM I???
Since when do my interests include walk in bath tubs instead of gossip? What's next? Dentures instead of blow jobs? Walkers instead of fast cars and motorbikes?
When did I turn into a grandma???
Who ever heard of getting banged in a walk in bathtub? Not sexy at all.
I need to do something young tonight. I need to load up on booze and do something stupid, like shots off some man candy, and then have crazy sex with someone too old or too young for me. Maybe throw in some disturbance of the peace and property damage...
Something that will convince me that even though my knees and back and elbows and hips and fingers are all old lady joints I am still 21 and just a kid.
ugh.
PBA needs to come through for me tonight....
They're easy access tubs for old people. You can get the seated version where you walk in, close the door behind you and fills up around you. Like sitting in a hot tub. OR you can get the automated version which is like a lawn chair. You lie on in and it lifts you into the bathtub in a lying position.
Why am I telling you about something that is clearly aimed at old people?
Well, I'll tell you.
You see when these commercials usually come on I just sort of laugh and go back to thinking about the shoes I just bought or finding some advil for my headache, that sort of thing. This time was different. I was in the middle of twitter stalking Siobhan (find her at http://twitter.com/siobhans13 or http://siobhanstevenson.blogspot.com/) And was quite involved with twitter-bugging her when the walk in tub advert came on.
And I was interested...
Like... I put aside my gossip hunting and actually paid attention. At first I was like meh. Commercial. Then I was like... hmm that looks pretty comfortable. Hmm.. I like baths. Hmm... I have bad knees, I could totally use something like that. Oohh It has massage jets too! Oooh it fills up in only 3 minutes. Oh look at that darling little shelf, I could put a book there and.....
whoa whoa whoa!
Who AM I???
Since when do my interests include walk in bath tubs instead of gossip? What's next? Dentures instead of blow jobs? Walkers instead of fast cars and motorbikes?
When did I turn into a grandma???
Who ever heard of getting banged in a walk in bathtub? Not sexy at all.
I need to do something young tonight. I need to load up on booze and do something stupid, like shots off some man candy, and then have crazy sex with someone too old or too young for me. Maybe throw in some disturbance of the peace and property damage...
Something that will convince me that even though my knees and back and elbows and hips and fingers are all old lady joints I am still 21 and just a kid.
ugh.
PBA needs to come through for me tonight....
Monday, January 10, 2011
PUT ME TO SLEEP PLEASE
Serious question.
Where did all the drowsy meds go?
Like, when I was a kid and I had to fly my mother gave me Sudafed because that shit would knock you out for a plane ride. And if I felt a little off I would get some Robituson and be out like a light. Or if I felt a bad cough coming on my mother would force me to take some Buckleys and, as nasty as that shit tasted, it would knock me and my flu on our asses.
Now whenever I take medication it has "Non-Drowsy" printed on it.
Like, thanks for the option Sudafed but I'd actually like some sleep now. Kthxbye.
I know that there is Ambien and Nyquil and a bunch of other sleeping aids out there but I don't want anything too strong. I just want that nice drowsy feeling that comes with cold medicine to drift away to sleep.
My knee fucking hurts, I pulled a muscle in my neck so that fucking hurts, my face hurts from various afflictions and my head hurts because my dog threw a tantrum that involved 45 minutes of skreechy whining and barking as well as one bite on the fatty part of my arm that realllly fucking hurt (I know you planned that you little mongrel. Guess what, I'm not giving you anymore of my cheez-its now)
Pretty much I'm falling apart.
So I took a bayer (because god forbid anywhere on this forsaken island actually sell TylenolPM) and my birth control (which I'm using to delay my period so I can use PBA*) and now I'm lying here an I don't want to take a bunch of crap I dont need like Nyquil but I need sleep. And despite the last tendrils of a nasty cough (that took over my lungs, got comfy, set up parliment and is refusing to give up power without a long hard fight) I can't take any cough or flu meds because they will just wake me back up.
Honestly, I need that drowsy magic.
Grrr.
Plus what am I going to do when I finally have a baby (after I finally meet a man who will finally have sex with me more than once and finally become my boyfriend and then finally put a ring on my finger and THEN finally have a baby) and we're traveling? I am not going to be that Momma with a crying baby on a 6 hour flight. I'm going to find a drowsy medicine and dose that kid up and then tell people how well behaved s/he is as if it's totally natural and not drug induced.
So, I'm in need of medications and sleep nd this combo is making me crabby. I'm going to go try to bore myself to sleep now. Talk to you kittens later.
*The last post was supposed to introduce a new cast member PBA but I got side tracked and lost my point (because I was drunk) I'll try to remedy the situation and give him a proper post but for now just know he's being useless and not at all like the PBA he is.
Where did all the drowsy meds go?
Like, when I was a kid and I had to fly my mother gave me Sudafed because that shit would knock you out for a plane ride. And if I felt a little off I would get some Robituson and be out like a light. Or if I felt a bad cough coming on my mother would force me to take some Buckleys and, as nasty as that shit tasted, it would knock me and my flu on our asses.
Now whenever I take medication it has "Non-Drowsy" printed on it.
Like, thanks for the option Sudafed but I'd actually like some sleep now. Kthxbye.
I know that there is Ambien and Nyquil and a bunch of other sleeping aids out there but I don't want anything too strong. I just want that nice drowsy feeling that comes with cold medicine to drift away to sleep.
My knee fucking hurts, I pulled a muscle in my neck so that fucking hurts, my face hurts from various afflictions and my head hurts because my dog threw a tantrum that involved 45 minutes of skreechy whining and barking as well as one bite on the fatty part of my arm that realllly fucking hurt (I know you planned that you little mongrel. Guess what, I'm not giving you anymore of my cheez-its now)
Pretty much I'm falling apart.
So I took a bayer (because god forbid anywhere on this forsaken island actually sell TylenolPM) and my birth control (which I'm using to delay my period so I can use PBA*) and now I'm lying here an I don't want to take a bunch of crap I dont need like Nyquil but I need sleep. And despite the last tendrils of a nasty cough (that took over my lungs, got comfy, set up parliment and is refusing to give up power without a long hard fight) I can't take any cough or flu meds because they will just wake me back up.
Honestly, I need that drowsy magic.
Grrr.
Plus what am I going to do when I finally have a baby (after I finally meet a man who will finally have sex with me more than once and finally become my boyfriend and then finally put a ring on my finger and THEN finally have a baby) and we're traveling? I am not going to be that Momma with a crying baby on a 6 hour flight. I'm going to find a drowsy medicine and dose that kid up and then tell people how well behaved s/he is as if it's totally natural and not drug induced.
So, I'm in need of medications and sleep nd this combo is making me crabby. I'm going to go try to bore myself to sleep now. Talk to you kittens later.
*The last post was supposed to introduce a new cast member PBA but I got side tracked and lost my point (because I was drunk) I'll try to remedy the situation and give him a proper post but for now just know he's being useless and not at all like the PBA he is.
Friday, January 7, 2011
PUT DOWN THE PDA, ITS TIME FOR PBA.
Thats right ladies* I said put down PDAs.
*if you are a man 1) you are crazy 2) you stop reading this post, and possibly this blog unless you are a) gay or b) entertained rather than offended by the following vulgarity.
Personal Digital Assistants
Parenteral Drug Association
Pharmacists Defense Association
Public Democrats of America
AND
Public Display of Affection....
I have something better.
It's something I like to call P.B.A
What does that stand for?
Well its not the Patrolmens Benevolent Association
or the Professional Bowlers Association
or the Phillippine Basketball Association (in fact its not an association at all)
or even the Professional Benefit Administrators.
No, it is much better than that.
Read my lips.
Penis. By. Appointment.
That's right.
Penis by appointment.
Now now now, before you get all haughty taughty and pissy poshy and start spouting about "morals" and "spiritual wellbeing" first of all, shut up, you want to (in the words of the oh so classy Jersey-Shore-ers) "get it in" just as much as the rest of us, secondly, if you dont... this is the WRONG blog for you. Lastly, I'm not talking "for hire" I'm talking "by appointment"
Big Difference.
For hire is like a prostitute... and a man who has no worldly attributes or qualifications to offer you except for a useful penis is not an attractive idea.
By appointment is like... one step up from a FB (which doesn't mean facebook on this website... it means FUCK BUDDY)
See FBs get complicated because someone gets attached and it gets messy because you're all "Heyyyy let's do it before I go out, but don't act like we did it, because I wanna see if I can get anyone else/better and I dont want you scaring them off or getting jealous because I really don't like you like that, I just like your penis/vagina like that."
And then they cry.
At least, that's been my experience.
But you see a PBA is much easier. It's practically a business agreement.
You have a friend. There's some sexual tension and you find them mildly-extremely attractive. They return the sentiment. You really don't have time for a real relationship/you think they're pretty but you don't really want to like... get to know them. So you agree to get together and have sex occasionally. In my experience it's better to do this with someone you have a mild friendship with because that insures you against turning into FBs or a desperate bitch or (god forbid) a girlfriend.
This does cause some problems though... because its then less likely that you guys will hang out often and this decreases the likelihood of frequent sexual encounters. But that's why god invented texting.
"hey u free. wanna s3x?"
"ya. cum by @ 4?"
"hows 5? I got 2 wurk til 4"
"kewl."
"fuck you then"
";)"
Oh yahhhh. Nothing turns me on like misspelled words of sexiness.
But honestly you have to set these things up via texted based communication devices. Saying to a man that you only want to see him for sex may sound like their ultimate fantasy but it's just so awkward when through the silence he realizes that you have no interest in him as a person but only as a plaything.
Okay this is making it sound bad.
Honestly its not as dirty as it sounds. But everyone has those friends who they never really hang out with one-on-one because you arent that close and you don't have the hidden agenda of wanting to date them but you wouldn't mind banging them.
Right?
I think I'm too tired to make sense anymore
that is... if I ever made sense at all.
xxKK.
*if you are a man 1) you are crazy 2) you stop reading this post, and possibly this blog unless you are a) gay or b) entertained rather than offended by the following vulgarity.
Personal Digital Assistants
Parenteral Drug Association
Pharmacists Defense Association
Public Democrats of America
AND
Public Display of Affection....
I have something better.
It's something I like to call P.B.A
What does that stand for?
Well its not the Patrolmens Benevolent Association
or the Professional Bowlers Association
or the Phillippine Basketball Association (in fact its not an association at all)
or even the Professional Benefit Administrators.
No, it is much better than that.
Read my lips.
Penis. By. Appointment.
That's right.
Penis by appointment.
Now now now, before you get all haughty taughty and pissy poshy and start spouting about "morals" and "spiritual wellbeing" first of all, shut up, you want to (in the words of the oh so classy Jersey-Shore-ers) "get it in" just as much as the rest of us, secondly, if you dont... this is the WRONG blog for you. Lastly, I'm not talking "for hire" I'm talking "by appointment"
Big Difference.
For hire is like a prostitute... and a man who has no worldly attributes or qualifications to offer you except for a useful penis is not an attractive idea.
By appointment is like... one step up from a FB (which doesn't mean facebook on this website... it means FUCK BUDDY)
See FBs get complicated because someone gets attached and it gets messy because you're all "Heyyyy let's do it before I go out, but don't act like we did it, because I wanna see if I can get anyone else/better and I dont want you scaring them off or getting jealous because I really don't like you like that, I just like your penis/vagina like that."
And then they cry.
At least, that's been my experience.
But you see a PBA is much easier. It's practically a business agreement.
You have a friend. There's some sexual tension and you find them mildly-extremely attractive. They return the sentiment. You really don't have time for a real relationship/you think they're pretty but you don't really want to like... get to know them. So you agree to get together and have sex occasionally. In my experience it's better to do this with someone you have a mild friendship with because that insures you against turning into FBs or a desperate bitch or (god forbid) a girlfriend.
This does cause some problems though... because its then less likely that you guys will hang out often and this decreases the likelihood of frequent sexual encounters. But that's why god invented texting.
"hey u free. wanna s3x?"
"ya. cum by @ 4?"
"hows 5? I got 2 wurk til 4"
"kewl."
"fuck you then"
";)"
Oh yahhhh. Nothing turns me on like misspelled words of sexiness.
But honestly you have to set these things up via texted based communication devices. Saying to a man that you only want to see him for sex may sound like their ultimate fantasy but it's just so awkward when through the silence he realizes that you have no interest in him as a person but only as a plaything.
Okay this is making it sound bad.
Honestly its not as dirty as it sounds. But everyone has those friends who they never really hang out with one-on-one because you arent that close and you don't have the hidden agenda of wanting to date them but you wouldn't mind banging them.
Right?
I think I'm too tired to make sense anymore
that is... if I ever made sense at all.
xxKK.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
ARE YOU SURE?...
Dear iTunes,
I love your work, I buy way too many songs/movies/tv shows off of you and spend way more money than I should entertaining myself but I have a serious bone to pick with you.
What's with the "are you sure?" sign that pops up everytime I want to buy or rent something. Like, I get that you put it there so idiotic people who have no right being on a computer let alone have an itunes account don't end up buying 3000 copies of the princess and the frog when they are searching for (the artist formerly known as) Prince. But couldn't you word it a little differently? Perhaps "confirm?" or "download?" something simple and less judgmental than "are you sure you want to buy this?" Because honestly when I see that little pop up my various family members pop into my mind saying "are you sure you want to eat that brownie?" or "are you sure you want to wear a bikini?"
God! Why don't you ask me whether I'm sure I want to be alive!
Okay.. perhaps that was a little dramatic. But seriously! It already takes me so long to pick a movie that I'm usually finished lunch (my excuse to sit down and watch said movie) before I've even gotten around to downloading it!
My life is so hard...
So please take this into account the next time you redesign your website.
Please and thank you,
yours,
Kitty.
xx
I love your work, I buy way too many songs/movies/tv shows off of you and spend way more money than I should entertaining myself but I have a serious bone to pick with you.
What's with the "are you sure?" sign that pops up everytime I want to buy or rent something. Like, I get that you put it there so idiotic people who have no right being on a computer let alone have an itunes account don't end up buying 3000 copies of the princess and the frog when they are searching for (the artist formerly known as) Prince. But couldn't you word it a little differently? Perhaps "confirm?" or "download?" something simple and less judgmental than "are you sure you want to buy this?" Because honestly when I see that little pop up my various family members pop into my mind saying "are you sure you want to eat that brownie?" or "are you sure you want to wear a bikini?"
God! Why don't you ask me whether I'm sure I want to be alive!
Okay.. perhaps that was a little dramatic. But seriously! It already takes me so long to pick a movie that I'm usually finished lunch (my excuse to sit down and watch said movie) before I've even gotten around to downloading it!
My life is so hard...
So please take this into account the next time you redesign your website.
Please and thank you,
yours,
Kitty.
xx
Monday, December 20, 2010
FUNNY STORY....
So I started this tiny blog with promises of daily witicisms and intelligent, funny posts.
I kept lists of blog ideas.
I'd be on the subway and I'd think of something funny and I'd write it down in the margin of my book or take a note in my blackberry.
OR
I'd be walking down the street and I'd see some sort of moral travesty and I'd think, wow, I bet I could write about this in such a captivating way that people will actually put down their iPad, turn off the reality shows and listen.
Here comes the funny part....
I forgot.
Oops, My B.
And I'm not kidding about the notes in my books and blackberry... but then I lost my page and put my blackberry through the washer.
Curses.
Anyways, I'm at the airport heading home for xmas break and since that's sort of the same situation as I was in when I started this blog I figure thats a promising re-start.
Right?
Ugh.
I kept lists of blog ideas.
I'd be on the subway and I'd think of something funny and I'd write it down in the margin of my book or take a note in my blackberry.
OR
I'd be walking down the street and I'd see some sort of moral travesty and I'd think, wow, I bet I could write about this in such a captivating way that people will actually put down their iPad, turn off the reality shows and listen.
Here comes the funny part....
I forgot.
Oops, My B.
And I'm not kidding about the notes in my books and blackberry... but then I lost my page and put my blackberry through the washer.
Curses.
Anyways, I'm at the airport heading home for xmas break and since that's sort of the same situation as I was in when I started this blog I figure thats a promising re-start.
Right?
Ugh.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
THE ONE THAT'S MEANT TO INSPIRE.
Of late, the only times I've bothered to update this thing is when I had a particularly irritating conundrum to ponder or when I feel bad for only updating negative things, so I post a positive update.
Not today.
Although I could easily bitch, bemoan and pity myself to the end of Manhattan and back, I won't.
Equally I will not be ranting, raving or spewing unicorn shaped particles of fairy dust over my life story.
No. Today (slash tonight, since it's almost midnight) I want to write just for the sake of writing.
That's why I started this thing. I had thoughts, people seemed interested in my thoughts and this is a forum when I can think out loud to as many people as there are on the internet (or as few as the ones actually interested)
Well today I'm going to talk a little bit about movies.
Sort of.
See, I have this thing where whenever I'm too still, too bored, too mad, too upset, too stressed, too stuck or too nothing, I go to the movies. It started because I was sitting in my producing for film class and I realized I hadn't seen a single movie the kids around me were talking about. They were throwing out producer names and budget figures and net income and box office ratings and... a lot of crap that I had no idea about. So I thought, okay, I'll go to more movies.
Two months later I have now seen 9 movies in theater, rented two movies on DVD, watched 11 movies on Netflix Instant and rented all four seasons of Wildfire (the abcFamily show about horse racing, woohoo!) My Netflix Instant queue has 38 movies ready to be watched and my DVD queue is up to 14.
But I still know nothing about net incomes or budget approval or whose in the red or in the black (there's such a thing, did you know that?) and frankly I couldn't really care right now. A movie should make you forget that crap.
When you see a good movie you should forget that you're in a smelly theatre and you shouldn't notice the text message that the idiot in front of you is typing. You should forget everything that came with you when you walked through those doors; the stress, the failed midterms, the boy problems, everything. A movie should let you drop those worries at the concession stand.
Don't worry, they'll still be there in 186 minutes when you get out.
Anyways, I'm getting off track.
The point is, movies should be good. And I saw one tonight that was... surprisingly great. I went to Morning Glory because I was tired at 8pm and I couldn't bear the thought of putting myself to bed before pm. Just because my knees are shot and my back is one slipped disc from a lifelong vicodin prescription, doesn't mean I should be in bed before my 10 year old cousin. I'm still a youthful kitten, not yet a bitter old sourpuss.
Anyways, I go to see Morning Glory and it's sort of a RomCom (but less Rom then Com) and it's relatable because it's about a girl trying to make it in a shitty economy (although I've never had to search for a job so that relate-ability not hitting me) and her dream job is producing for daytime TV (which I hope to never have to do) and despite all these things that should turn me off, I am so sucked into the world of Daybreak that by the end of the show I had abandoned my giant diet coke and was perched on the very edge of my velveteen seat waiting to hear the next word.
Literally perched.
And the plot is predicable yet the actors are so good that you forget about that and you are with them in the moment and the editing is so good that you are racing to keep up and no line falls flat and you're literally laughing out loud because they didn't just put the best parts in the previews, they saved those nuggets for you, the ticket holder. And it's just...
Great.
It's truly great.
And I get out of that theatre and I'm not tired anymore. I don't want to start producing for Daytime TV or date whats-his-face from the movie. I just want to be great.
I want to know who produced this movie and what their budget is and how much net versus gross they got and how the box office is doing and all those details because this was a great movie and I want to be a great producer who makes great movies so I want to know what these people did so I can learn to be as great as they are.
And that's corny and cheesy and so silly and I still am realistic, I know that there's a 1 in 304,098,070,230,001 chance that I will actually make all of my separate, and very lofty, dreams come true. But I don't care because I leave that theatre and my brain feels like its turned on for the first time in days and I have all these ideas flooding in and they have nothing to do with what I just watched for 95 minutes but they're there because of what I just watched for 95 minutes.
So I'm going to jot down a few of these ideas, continue to mull over them (at the gym tomorrow!) and start being great. Even if I have to take greatness in the form of little itty bitty baby stumble steps. Because right now being great doesn't mean being on Broadway or producing a blockbuster or writing the next best seller. Right now, great is knowing what the gross profit of Morning Glory is, and passing y GenEd classes, and graduating on time, and getting an applause at the end of the student play I'm doing right now and writing a blog about being inspired instead of about what a bitch my MugWug has been lately. So here I am.
Where are you?
Now I should put myself to sleep. Grandma still needs her beauty rest, especially if she's going to wake up in time to get to her GenEd class at 9am and remember to pack her sneakers for the gym after.
Hello Greatness.
Goodnight World.
xxKK.
p.s. MugWug actually isn't being a bitch this week. We're back to loving each other unconditionally. Marie on the other hand...
love you kittens. Be great.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
KITTY KAT IS A SAD PUPPY
So I woke up this morning with a cough like the rattle of death.
After several hacks I texted my friend to let her know I would not be in class and went back to sleep for several hours.
Woke up, hacked a lung.
Went back to sleep
Woke up, hacked a lung, drank some tea and tried to sleep again but decided that since it was 5pm I should probably get dressed and get my butt to my 6pm rehearsal.
Somewhere in the middle I had some wonderful dreams that pretty wonderful.
And once awake I felt pretty much okay. Other than the occasional booming chesty cough, I felt fine.
Sounds like my day was going pretty decently right?
Wrong.
So. I'm in rehearsal. And the phone rings. But I miss the call... because I'm in rehearsal. And I always silence my phone in rehearsal. It rings again. Missed again. And then I get a text accusing me of sending the calls to voicemail.
Psycho.
Anyways I reassure my friend Belle that I'm not ignoring her I'm just busy (hey look at that, my life doesn't stop when you aren't in it, shocker) and let her know I should be out of rehearsal by 9 or 10.
So I ask her whats up (i.e. why are you calling me after us not talking for ages?) and she says she wanted to get dinner but now it's too late. (to be specific she said "Tooooo lateeeee")
Okay, fine.
So I ask what she's up to later (look at me, being all mature and trying to still hang out despite her accusing me of being a bad and neglecting friend and etc etc) and she tells me she's going to a movie with MugWug.
My MugWug.
The same MugWug who I haven't seen since I had that "heart to heart" 9 days ago.
The same MugWug who doesn't understand why I think that he's been slowly replacing me with Belle despite the fact that he hasn't talked to me about anything but work or school for quite some time but sees her every damn day.
Did I mention that Belle is the same girl who used to go on and on about how she didn't respect my friendship with MugWug and how she didn't think it would last because we met by chance and not based on any common thing.
The same Belle who tried to get with MugWug and then talked shit about him for ages. The same Belle who made me pick sides between her and him (I took his)
But now he's taking hers.
But apparently he doesn't see why that hurts.
Anyways. She tells me theyre going out so, after rehearsal due to the fact that I feel like death from my sickness rearing its ugly head, and shitty from my "best friend" not talking to me for a week but seeing her every night and going out and because I HAVE NO OTHER PLANS, I go home.
Sit at home feeling shitty for a while.
Bemoan to my ever understanding and wonderful friends Siobhan and Lizz and then
dundundunn
MugWug calls.
And it goes something like this:
MugWug: "What are you doing?"
Kitty: "about to go to the grocery store" (for hot chocolate materials)
MW: "Why'd you leave?!?!?!" (you might think my punctation is crazy but you should have heard him)
K: "Leave? Leave where?" (genuine confusion)
M: "Belle told me you had rehearsal"
K " Yeah?"
M: "Where?"
K: "Downtown..."
M: "Then why'd you leave" (he lives downtown, I live midtown)
K: "I got out of rehearsal 3 hours ago...."
M: "Belle said you would get out at 11" (which would still be an hour earlier fyi)
K: "No I told her 9 or 10... I got out at 9"
Belle: "She definitely told me 11" (me = rage that once again he's put me on speakerphone without telling me)
K: "check your damn messages, I said 9 or 10"
M: "Oh. well okay."
We talked a bit more but nothing of substance. No apology from him for excluding me from him night plans / acting mad that I didn't stay downtown when he never gave me reason to / believing Belle over me / not talking to me for ages / putting me on secret speakerphone / etc.
And now I'm like pissed at Belle because I can't be sure if she did it on purpose but she drove a wedge between us that didn't need to be there. Especially after she'd already pushed such a large wedge between us already. Like did she really think I didn't get out til 11? Probably not... we went to the same acting school for 3 years, she knows we don't have rehearsal any later than 10 any day... ever.
Whatever. I'm trying not to be paranoid.
I'm trying not to be annoying and over react and turn this into a big deal.
But I can't help feeling like a tiny labrador puppy that's been kicked multiple times by the bitch her owner replaced her with and then put to the curb without a collar.
Kitty is a sad puppy.
I don't know.
I know this is partially the drugs talking and partially the deep psychological damage of many people abandoning me in my life and partially my need to be wanted but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Going into a nyquil induced coma now - hopefully something funny for you tomorrow.
xxKK
Psycho.
Anyways I reassure my friend Belle that I'm not ignoring her I'm just busy (hey look at that, my life doesn't stop when you aren't in it, shocker) and let her know I should be out of rehearsal by 9 or 10.
So I ask her whats up (i.e. why are you calling me after us not talking for ages?) and she says she wanted to get dinner but now it's too late. (to be specific she said "Tooooo lateeeee")
Okay, fine.
So I ask what she's up to later (look at me, being all mature and trying to still hang out despite her accusing me of being a bad and neglecting friend and etc etc) and she tells me she's going to a movie with MugWug.
My MugWug.
The same MugWug who I haven't seen since I had that "heart to heart" 9 days ago.
The same MugWug who doesn't understand why I think that he's been slowly replacing me with Belle despite the fact that he hasn't talked to me about anything but work or school for quite some time but sees her every damn day.
Did I mention that Belle is the same girl who used to go on and on about how she didn't respect my friendship with MugWug and how she didn't think it would last because we met by chance and not based on any common thing.
The same Belle who tried to get with MugWug and then talked shit about him for ages. The same Belle who made me pick sides between her and him (I took his)
But now he's taking hers.
But apparently he doesn't see why that hurts.
Anyways. She tells me theyre going out so, after rehearsal due to the fact that I feel like death from my sickness rearing its ugly head, and shitty from my "best friend" not talking to me for a week but seeing her every night and going out and because I HAVE NO OTHER PLANS, I go home.
Sit at home feeling shitty for a while.
Bemoan to my ever understanding and wonderful friends Siobhan and Lizz and then
dundundunn
MugWug calls.
And it goes something like this:
MugWug: "What are you doing?"
Kitty: "about to go to the grocery store" (for hot chocolate materials)
MW: "Why'd you leave?!?!?!" (you might think my punctation is crazy but you should have heard him)
K: "Leave? Leave where?" (genuine confusion)
M: "Belle told me you had rehearsal"
K " Yeah?"
M: "Where?"
K: "Downtown..."
M: "Then why'd you leave" (he lives downtown, I live midtown)
K: "I got out of rehearsal 3 hours ago...."
M: "Belle said you would get out at 11" (which would still be an hour earlier fyi)
K: "No I told her 9 or 10... I got out at 9"
Belle: "She definitely told me 11" (me = rage that once again he's put me on speakerphone without telling me)
K: "check your damn messages, I said 9 or 10"
M: "Oh. well okay."
We talked a bit more but nothing of substance. No apology from him for excluding me from him night plans / acting mad that I didn't stay downtown when he never gave me reason to / believing Belle over me / not talking to me for ages / putting me on secret speakerphone / etc.
And now I'm like pissed at Belle because I can't be sure if she did it on purpose but she drove a wedge between us that didn't need to be there. Especially after she'd already pushed such a large wedge between us already. Like did she really think I didn't get out til 11? Probably not... we went to the same acting school for 3 years, she knows we don't have rehearsal any later than 10 any day... ever.
Whatever. I'm trying not to be paranoid.
I'm trying not to be annoying and over react and turn this into a big deal.
But I can't help feeling like a tiny labrador puppy that's been kicked multiple times by the bitch her owner replaced her with and then put to the curb without a collar.
Kitty is a sad puppy.
I don't know.
I know this is partially the drugs talking and partially the deep psychological damage of many people abandoning me in my life and partially my need to be wanted but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.
Going into a nyquil induced coma now - hopefully something funny for you tomorrow.
xxKK
Thursday, November 4, 2010
WELL AT LEAST THE SHARPIE CAME OFF...
So today I had a midterm.
No big deal right?
Wrong.
See, I'm smart. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I'm not stupid. I love tests because I'm good at studying and learning and all that crap.
However today I was stressed for my test.
Why? (you might ask) Considering my IQ, great memory and my extensive knowledge of how to write all the answers on my pants without anyone noticing, why would I be stressed?
Well it started with n altercation with MugWug, two days before the test.
Okay, altercation is the wrong word. The altercation came later. See he called and wanted to hang out (which I was like woohoo! All my worries were unfounded! yay!)
So the next day (which was yesterday) I woke up all fresh faced and eager for the world and I made a yummy breakfast fauxlogna sandwich (fake sandwich meat yummmm) and I looked at my textbook, color coded flash cards and pile of fine point sharpie on my desk waiting to be made into an unstoppable study device. But then I remembered MugWug was coming over and, since he is one of the most judgemental people I know, I decided to tidy instead.
I loaded the dishwasher, took out the trash, swept the livingroom, put away my clothes, wiped down the counter tops and a whole other pleothra of chores. Quite pleased with my newly tidy home I turned back to the flashcards.
But...
then...
I played xbox instead.
Look. I'd just finished my chores it was time for a break. But after the break it was time to eat lunch. And then it was time for Law&Order: SVU (because I love Benson and Stabler and I get crabby if I go too long without seeing them) And then it was 4pm and... no sign of MugWug... a while later I get a message from him saying sorry, he got busy (which is fine, I totally understand that) and that he couldn't make it today (which is annoying but understandable still) and that maybe we could have a meeting later.
Meeting?
MEETING?
Here I was trying to clean up and get into a hang out mood for my "best friend" but the only reason he wants to see me is for work.
LAME FUCKING BALLS.
So I got a litttttle mad.
I didn't respond immediately because if I had I would have said something like "Fuck you and your fucking work you goddamn useless man-being, thanks for making me feel like we were friends again in order to use me to do more work. Next time you want a fucking meeting tell me that instead of tricking me by saying you wanted to hang out you goddamn motherfucking asswipe" instead of the diplomatic "oh no problem... didn't even know we were meeting today."
GRRRRR.
He's sick and tired and busy and I understand it's hard to make time for friends but don't trick me into doing work on our friend time and don't pretend we're friends if you can't ever make time for me. This isnt that big of a deal and I'll get over it in a few days it just rubs me the wrong way. Hard.
Think: Indian burn on your hoohah.
Anyways. I got mad.
So I decided to make myself a giant bowl of froyo, sorbet, pomagranant seeds and chocolate chips and sulked in front of the TV for several hours.
At 7pm I realized I had not done anywork for my midterm and I went into a panic.
I started to make flashcards but between my anger, my sugar coma and the distraction of SVU, NCIS and Hairspray (the movie) I got more sharpie on my body (ALL OVER MY BODY) then on the flashcards.
I finished making the cards at 2:30 am, showered, got into bed at 3:30am, was asleep by 4:00am and at 8:30am I left my house (luckily sharpie free) with sloppy flashcards, a fauxlogna sandwich and still wearing my pajamas.
So. Cute.
Anyways I think I aced the test but now I'm going to go home and sleep so hard and long that it will put bears in winter, coma patients AND dead people to shame.
xxKK
No big deal right?
Wrong.
See, I'm smart. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I'm not stupid. I love tests because I'm good at studying and learning and all that crap.
However today I was stressed for my test.
Why? (you might ask) Considering my IQ, great memory and my extensive knowledge of how to write all the answers on my pants without anyone noticing, why would I be stressed?
Well it started with n altercation with MugWug, two days before the test.
Okay, altercation is the wrong word. The altercation came later. See he called and wanted to hang out (which I was like woohoo! All my worries were unfounded! yay!)
So the next day (which was yesterday) I woke up all fresh faced and eager for the world and I made a yummy breakfast fauxlogna sandwich (fake sandwich meat yummmm) and I looked at my textbook, color coded flash cards and pile of fine point sharpie on my desk waiting to be made into an unstoppable study device. But then I remembered MugWug was coming over and, since he is one of the most judgemental people I know, I decided to tidy instead.
I loaded the dishwasher, took out the trash, swept the livingroom, put away my clothes, wiped down the counter tops and a whole other pleothra of chores. Quite pleased with my newly tidy home I turned back to the flashcards.
But...
then...
I played xbox instead.
Look. I'd just finished my chores it was time for a break. But after the break it was time to eat lunch. And then it was time for Law&Order: SVU (because I love Benson and Stabler and I get crabby if I go too long without seeing them) And then it was 4pm and... no sign of MugWug... a while later I get a message from him saying sorry, he got busy (which is fine, I totally understand that) and that he couldn't make it today (which is annoying but understandable still) and that maybe we could have a meeting later.
Meeting?
MEETING?
Here I was trying to clean up and get into a hang out mood for my "best friend" but the only reason he wants to see me is for work.
LAME FUCKING BALLS.
So I got a litttttle mad.
I didn't respond immediately because if I had I would have said something like "Fuck you and your fucking work you goddamn useless man-being, thanks for making me feel like we were friends again in order to use me to do more work. Next time you want a fucking meeting tell me that instead of tricking me by saying you wanted to hang out you goddamn motherfucking asswipe" instead of the diplomatic "oh no problem... didn't even know we were meeting today."
GRRRRR.
He's sick and tired and busy and I understand it's hard to make time for friends but don't trick me into doing work on our friend time and don't pretend we're friends if you can't ever make time for me. This isnt that big of a deal and I'll get over it in a few days it just rubs me the wrong way. Hard.
Think: Indian burn on your hoohah.
Anyways. I got mad.
So I decided to make myself a giant bowl of froyo, sorbet, pomagranant seeds and chocolate chips and sulked in front of the TV for several hours.
At 7pm I realized I had not done anywork for my midterm and I went into a panic.
I started to make flashcards but between my anger, my sugar coma and the distraction of SVU, NCIS and Hairspray (the movie) I got more sharpie on my body (ALL OVER MY BODY) then on the flashcards.
I finished making the cards at 2:30 am, showered, got into bed at 3:30am, was asleep by 4:00am and at 8:30am I left my house (luckily sharpie free) with sloppy flashcards, a fauxlogna sandwich and still wearing my pajamas.
So. Cute.
Anyways I think I aced the test but now I'm going to go home and sleep so hard and long that it will put bears in winter, coma patients AND dead people to shame.
xxKK
Monday, November 1, 2010
WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?
So sometimes I make bad judgement calls...
...like that one time I slept with a 30yr old dressed up like Justin Beiber on halloween...
and sometimes I make bad life decisions...
...like skipping the only class I really care about and love in order to hang out with a boy who is, by definition, a douchetard.
I mean... serious douchetardiness. In case you're curious we are indeed talking about the one formerly known as Main Squeeze. He's here in the city I call home with several of his closest douchtardy friends (including Joe Blow and a few I may have had uhhh interactions with....) and despite the fact that he has a girlfriend (not that that's stopped us in the past) and the fact that our last interaction involved him duping me into coming over and then suggesting we call a cab before we started anything so that I wouldn't be stuck on his doorstep when he was finished.
Claaaaaaassy.
Despite that I am still not in my favorite class and not at home cleaning or at the gym or doing ANYTHING productive.
I am downtown like a little bitch waiting for this bitch to call me.
I didn't want to wait for him to call to head down because then I might be late and clearly I wouldn't want to miss out on anytime with such a stand up bloke. So I came downtown. Far Downtown.
No call.
Just waiting.
Sitting in a starbucks nursing a chai tea and hoping that I'm not a pathetic loser whose getting stood up but instead just a pathetic needy loser with thing for bad boys.
Oooh. And he is bad in all the right ways.
No! Stop it Kitty! No bad boys for you!
Must resist the lure of his sexy tattoos and sexy grin and sexy laugh and sexy sexiness.
Not to mention the blow your mind sexy sex.
Must resist!
Although... the more pathetic I am and the more trouble I get in the more material I'll have for this blog... so really I'm thinking of you, my readers, when I consider going down the street, into his hotel, knocking on the door (kicking his roommate out) and taking full advantage of the two hours he has left in my city.
Clearly just thinking of the good of you guys.
Clearly.
Okay... its 1pm. They probably won't call. And I probably already knew that, deep down inside, when I made the journey here.
Sad Kitty.
xxKK
...like that one time I slept with a 30yr old dressed up like Justin Beiber on halloween...
and sometimes I make bad life decisions...
...like skipping the only class I really care about and love in order to hang out with a boy who is, by definition, a douchetard.
I mean... serious douchetardiness. In case you're curious we are indeed talking about the one formerly known as Main Squeeze. He's here in the city I call home with several of his closest douchtardy friends (including Joe Blow and a few I may have had uhhh interactions with....) and despite the fact that he has a girlfriend (not that that's stopped us in the past) and the fact that our last interaction involved him duping me into coming over and then suggesting we call a cab before we started anything so that I wouldn't be stuck on his doorstep when he was finished.
Claaaaaaassy.
Despite that I am still not in my favorite class and not at home cleaning or at the gym or doing ANYTHING productive.
I am downtown like a little bitch waiting for this bitch to call me.
I didn't want to wait for him to call to head down because then I might be late and clearly I wouldn't want to miss out on anytime with such a stand up bloke. So I came downtown. Far Downtown.
No call.
Just waiting.
Sitting in a starbucks nursing a chai tea and hoping that I'm not a pathetic loser whose getting stood up but instead just a pathetic needy loser with thing for bad boys.
Oooh. And he is bad in all the right ways.
No! Stop it Kitty! No bad boys for you!
Must resist the lure of his sexy tattoos and sexy grin and sexy laugh and sexy sexiness.
Not to mention the blow your mind sexy sex.
Must resist!
Although... the more pathetic I am and the more trouble I get in the more material I'll have for this blog... so really I'm thinking of you, my readers, when I consider going down the street, into his hotel, knocking on the door (kicking his roommate out) and taking full advantage of the two hours he has left in my city.
Clearly just thinking of the good of you guys.
Clearly.
Okay... its 1pm. They probably won't call. And I probably already knew that, deep down inside, when I made the journey here.
Sad Kitty.
xxKK
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
WISHFUL THINKING
So tonight MugWug and I had a little heart to heart.
You see, as little as I've been talking to you guys lately, I've been talking to him even less.
And it's not like a heehee I don't want to talk to you little child thing. I just... sort of shut down. Because, you might remember my previous post, I was sort of feeling replaced. No one wants to feel like they're second rate.
Well it started with a little feeling of being rejected and then snowballed. My feeling like an unwanted friend made me back off. Me backing off made him move further from me. etc, etc. It's a vicious circle.
So we had a heart to heart tonight.
Or should I say, I was lured to his apartment under the pretense of work and then ambushed with emotional napalm.
I don't do well with conflict. I don't do well with surprised either.
But I managed to neither run away or punch anyone.
And the talk, albeit the most uncomfortable in a long time, was good. It clears the air and brings up things that no one really talks about. If you let the little things pile up then before you know it you have one massive thing that you can't really identify because it's made up of all these tiny insignificant particles.
So the talk was good. (Hear me MugWug? You did good.)
But.
(And of course there is a but)
Now I wonder where we go. It's been 5 weeks of slowly drifting apart, unconscientiously and conscientiously, and one conversation doesn't nullify that. How do we get back to 5 weeks ago? How do we go back to 100% trust and unconditional love?
How do I let go of the issues?
I wish we could just say "here is the problem, I see the problem, there is no more problem, everything is fine now"
but you can't.
I wish I could magically be nicer or better or more accommodating or less abrasive or less jealous/anxious/angry/frustrated and I wish I could snap my fingers and make that all true.
But I'm not going to change overnight.
And it's not all my fault.
But other people can't change overnight either.
And I need to not expect unrealistic changes over night but yet I do want everything to be fine again.
Ugh. I just want to time travel back and fix this before it was an issue.
That's it. No more wishful thinking for the night. Off to bed with Kitty.
xxKK.
You see, as little as I've been talking to you guys lately, I've been talking to him even less.
And it's not like a heehee I don't want to talk to you little child thing. I just... sort of shut down. Because, you might remember my previous post, I was sort of feeling replaced. No one wants to feel like they're second rate.
Well it started with a little feeling of being rejected and then snowballed. My feeling like an unwanted friend made me back off. Me backing off made him move further from me. etc, etc. It's a vicious circle.
So we had a heart to heart tonight.
Or should I say, I was lured to his apartment under the pretense of work and then ambushed with emotional napalm.
I don't do well with conflict. I don't do well with surprised either.
But I managed to neither run away or punch anyone.
And the talk, albeit the most uncomfortable in a long time, was good. It clears the air and brings up things that no one really talks about. If you let the little things pile up then before you know it you have one massive thing that you can't really identify because it's made up of all these tiny insignificant particles.
So the talk was good. (Hear me MugWug? You did good.)
But.
(And of course there is a but)
Now I wonder where we go. It's been 5 weeks of slowly drifting apart, unconscientiously and conscientiously, and one conversation doesn't nullify that. How do we get back to 5 weeks ago? How do we go back to 100% trust and unconditional love?
How do I let go of the issues?
I wish we could just say "here is the problem, I see the problem, there is no more problem, everything is fine now"
but you can't.
I wish I could magically be nicer or better or more accommodating or less abrasive or less jealous/anxious/angry/frustrated and I wish I could snap my fingers and make that all true.
But I'm not going to change overnight.
And it's not all my fault.
But other people can't change overnight either.
And I need to not expect unrealistic changes over night but yet I do want everything to be fine again.
Ugh. I just want to time travel back and fix this before it was an issue.
That's it. No more wishful thinking for the night. Off to bed with Kitty.
xxKK.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
NO JUDGEMENT, K?
So I've discovered something pretty horrible about myself.
Apparently I do not like to share.
And I'm not talking about a silly playground fued over a swingset or who gets the first slice of pie. I realllly don't like to share.
Specifically, people.
Like... Friends.
Now just wait a second before you start conjuring images of me hoarding dead bodies in my basement... It's not like that.
I don't even have a basement.
I just really don't like the idea of losing my friends. I want all my friends to get along and shit. Like if I were throw a party I would want every friend I have to be able to come and enjoy themselves and jave fun talking to each other and shit. I'd even support two of my friends to hook up. Hell, I'd even (and have in the past) encourage it!
But that's it. I don't want you to enjoy each other so much that you start hanging out on a regular basis... Without me.
I know I'm being selfish.
Hell I know I'm being a really unfair selfish bitch of a person.
But I'm also being honest.
And, honestly, nobody likes feeling like they're being replaced.
Lately I've been feeling sort of like an interim friend. Like I have all these great friends but once I let them meet suddenly they're the good friends and I'm the kid who occasionally gets invited to the random fundraiser party.
Ugh.
Green eyed kitty is selfish and jealous and full of self loathing.
XxKK
Apparently I do not like to share.
And I'm not talking about a silly playground fued over a swingset or who gets the first slice of pie. I realllly don't like to share.
Specifically, people.
Like... Friends.
Now just wait a second before you start conjuring images of me hoarding dead bodies in my basement... It's not like that.
I don't even have a basement.
I just really don't like the idea of losing my friends. I want all my friends to get along and shit. Like if I were throw a party I would want every friend I have to be able to come and enjoy themselves and jave fun talking to each other and shit. I'd even support two of my friends to hook up. Hell, I'd even (and have in the past) encourage it!
But that's it. I don't want you to enjoy each other so much that you start hanging out on a regular basis... Without me.
I know I'm being selfish.
Hell I know I'm being a really unfair selfish bitch of a person.
But I'm also being honest.
And, honestly, nobody likes feeling like they're being replaced.
Lately I've been feeling sort of like an interim friend. Like I have all these great friends but once I let them meet suddenly they're the good friends and I'm the kid who occasionally gets invited to the random fundraiser party.
Ugh.
Green eyed kitty is selfish and jealous and full of self loathing.
XxKK
Thursday, September 23, 2010
SERIOUS SHAMBLES
I've been having a bit of trouble keeping this thing up to date lately, my apologies. I know it's such a common excuse but honestly once school starts up there's an avalanche of stress and before I know it I'm freaking out over being 10 minutes late and crying over my quiz next tuesday. I feel like I don't even have that much work and I'm probably stressing myself out way more than I need to but I just don't have enough hours in the day.
Although if I cut out all the worrying I would probably have more time to do the things I'm worried about.
Ugh. Logic.
This is sort of why I've become addicted to twitter. It's much easier because I don't have to sit down and type out a whole post I can just do it on the go. And most of the time it's just the same bite sized nuggets of worry, stress and bitching that I'm already doing. So if you're missing your daily kitty, get on twitter.
I'm going to make a conscious effort to try to update at least bi weekly (I figure one mid week and one post weekend should cover all the drama) on here and then daily bits of insanity can be found on the twitter.
My life has sort of gone from super perfect to quickly disintegrating quite rapidly over the last few weeks. When I first got back to the city I had this great apartment and I had time to chill and see my friends and be happy. Now suddenly I have class and homework and the house is getting messier and messier and I'm sleeping so much and fighting with my friends over ridiculous things and when I get home instead of cleaning or doing homework I just end up sitting on the floor watching reruns of Law & Order: SVU that I've already seen 40 times before just because I'm too tired to work or clean.
Speaking of fighting. MugWug and I have been getting into it quite a lot recently. We've always teased each other and played with how far is too far but lately, and I admit it's mostly me, I find us saying things that aren't funny at all. Like some seriously malicious shit. And it just feels like as my house gets messier and my homework pile gets bigger we fight more and then I definitely don't want to work or clean because I'm angry and would rather lie in bed all day and night brooding.
I don't know. I don't know if my life is going to shambles because I'm losing my best friend or if I'm losing my best friend because my life is going to shambles but both of them seem to be happening.
There's a Huskers game this Saturday (go check out KKC II to figure out what the hell I'm talking about) which I was supposed to go to with MugWug but maybe instead I'll maintain radio silence and spend the weekend trying to figure out what then hell is going on with myself.
Ugh. Being an adult is so complicated.
I just want someone to take care of me.
I pride myself on being so strong and independent but everyone needs someone at some point.
Well... that's about it. I'm going to wash my sheets and fold some laundry and try to put my life back together. Sorry this wasn't the usual witty-fest but sometimes a Kat needs to put her serious thoughts down too. Some adventures/hilarity to ensue soon, I pinkie promise.
Stay good.
xxKK
Although if I cut out all the worrying I would probably have more time to do the things I'm worried about.
Ugh. Logic.
This is sort of why I've become addicted to twitter. It's much easier because I don't have to sit down and type out a whole post I can just do it on the go. And most of the time it's just the same bite sized nuggets of worry, stress and bitching that I'm already doing. So if you're missing your daily kitty, get on twitter.
I'm going to make a conscious effort to try to update at least bi weekly (I figure one mid week and one post weekend should cover all the drama) on here and then daily bits of insanity can be found on the twitter.
My life has sort of gone from super perfect to quickly disintegrating quite rapidly over the last few weeks. When I first got back to the city I had this great apartment and I had time to chill and see my friends and be happy. Now suddenly I have class and homework and the house is getting messier and messier and I'm sleeping so much and fighting with my friends over ridiculous things and when I get home instead of cleaning or doing homework I just end up sitting on the floor watching reruns of Law & Order: SVU that I've already seen 40 times before just because I'm too tired to work or clean.
Speaking of fighting. MugWug and I have been getting into it quite a lot recently. We've always teased each other and played with how far is too far but lately, and I admit it's mostly me, I find us saying things that aren't funny at all. Like some seriously malicious shit. And it just feels like as my house gets messier and my homework pile gets bigger we fight more and then I definitely don't want to work or clean because I'm angry and would rather lie in bed all day and night brooding.
I don't know. I don't know if my life is going to shambles because I'm losing my best friend or if I'm losing my best friend because my life is going to shambles but both of them seem to be happening.
There's a Huskers game this Saturday (go check out KKC II to figure out what the hell I'm talking about) which I was supposed to go to with MugWug but maybe instead I'll maintain radio silence and spend the weekend trying to figure out what then hell is going on with myself.
Ugh. Being an adult is so complicated.
I just want someone to take care of me.
I pride myself on being so strong and independent but everyone needs someone at some point.
Well... that's about it. I'm going to wash my sheets and fold some laundry and try to put my life back together. Sorry this wasn't the usual witty-fest but sometimes a Kat needs to put her serious thoughts down too. Some adventures/hilarity to ensue soon, I pinkie promise.
Stay good.
xxKK
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I HAVE THOUGHTS..
...And if you honestly have an issue with that then you should probably go fuck yourself.
MugWug has told me that he feels I say "go fuck yourself" too often.
MAN UP!
Just kidding. He might be right, I became a litttttle obsessed with that phrase lately, much like I have recently become obsessed with the song Shark in the Water. (seriously, its an addictive song, I listen to it on repeat nonstop for like...hours. And I'm not exaggerating at all)
Anyways, more on my obsessing later.
Back to the I have thoughts thing.
So I'm finally starting to write again (not just blogs but also scripts) and it's been a long dry spell of no inspiration, creativity or drive. So I'm sitting in front of my celtx (writing program) and somebody asks me what I'm writing. So, since we're fairly good friends I start to tell them about my idea and how I'm still flushing it out and i'm not really sure where it's going but at least I'm putting some of it on paper at last.
Okay, technically on computer screen, but you get the idea.
Well I guess they didn't like my idea because they got out a condencending "ha!"
That's it. "Ha"
I was like... okay and?
And they just shook their heads and changed the topic.
Beware my little frenemy... I know how to make your death look like an accident.
Just kidding but not really.
Ha.
Anyways so I had a lovely day at school (like you care) and now I'm home. I'm home, where I told myself I would spend an hour cleaning, an hour reading plays, 30 mins of painting (or other relaxing artistic pursuits) and then a little more cleaning and then and ONLY THEN could I sit down and watch TV and chillax.
Well fuck.
I got home an hour and a half ago and I made the mistake of sitting down to go through my backpack. And then I turned on the TV to check the forcast for tomorrow. Then I wanted to see what was on later... but SVU was on so I ended up watching that. Because it was an episode I'd never seen. And then I made delicious dinner. And now I'm still eating and watching television.
Crap.
I need to clean.
I really need to clean.
ughhh I'd rather be lazy.
Shambles.
That's all for now. I need to go convince myself to get off my ass and clean up.
MugWug has told me that he feels I say "go fuck yourself" too often.
MAN UP!
Just kidding. He might be right, I became a litttttle obsessed with that phrase lately, much like I have recently become obsessed with the song Shark in the Water. (seriously, its an addictive song, I listen to it on repeat nonstop for like...hours. And I'm not exaggerating at all)
Anyways, more on my obsessing later.
Back to the I have thoughts thing.
So I'm finally starting to write again (not just blogs but also scripts) and it's been a long dry spell of no inspiration, creativity or drive. So I'm sitting in front of my celtx (writing program) and somebody asks me what I'm writing. So, since we're fairly good friends I start to tell them about my idea and how I'm still flushing it out and i'm not really sure where it's going but at least I'm putting some of it on paper at last.
Okay, technically on computer screen, but you get the idea.
Well I guess they didn't like my idea because they got out a condencending "ha!"
That's it. "Ha"
I was like... okay and?
And they just shook their heads and changed the topic.
Beware my little frenemy... I know how to make your death look like an accident.
Just kidding but not really.
Ha.
Anyways so I had a lovely day at school (like you care) and now I'm home. I'm home, where I told myself I would spend an hour cleaning, an hour reading plays, 30 mins of painting (or other relaxing artistic pursuits) and then a little more cleaning and then and ONLY THEN could I sit down and watch TV and chillax.
Well fuck.
I got home an hour and a half ago and I made the mistake of sitting down to go through my backpack. And then I turned on the TV to check the forcast for tomorrow. Then I wanted to see what was on later... but SVU was on so I ended up watching that. Because it was an episode I'd never seen. And then I made delicious dinner. And now I'm still eating and watching television.
Crap.
I need to clean.
I really need to clean.
ughhh I'd rather be lazy.
Shambles.
That's all for now. I need to go convince myself to get off my ass and clean up.
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